College (Teen) girl advice needed.

[luvsJack]

And I know moms who are pleased with their daughters' academic progress . . . but are BEYOND THRILLED when those daughters have a boyfriend.

Yep. I know one mother that has been telling her daughter for years things she needed to do to make sure she caught a husband. She never encouraged the girl to do well in high school let alone go to college! So sad.

 

[Judy from Boise]

Honestly Dawn I am surprised you have enough in common with this women to support a friendship? She sounds like the anti-you LOL.

I think you are way to smart to get sucked into this one beyond that great suggestion about asking the daughter an leading open ended question and giving advice only as she brings up problems. Perhaps you can also give some advice as the mother of sons on where the typical males developmental level is during college years

 

[DawnCt1]

Honestly Dawn I am surprised you have enough in common with this women to support a friendship? She sounds like the anti-you LOL.

I think you are way to smart to get sucked into this one beyond that great suggestion about asking the daughter an leading open ended question and giving advice only as she brings up problems. Perhaps you can also give some advice as the mother of sons on where the typical males developmental level is during college years

She is actually a relative so my "choice" is dictated by that. I took her out for coffee last night and reinterated (sp) that college is a job, dating is supposed to be fun but not all consuming, and that "trust issues" with boys is not something she needs to solve right now. I had told her mother that boys and girls are immature and not ready for committed relationships while they are working on their futures. She had called her DD and told her that "boys" are immature. She left out the other part. The mom said her DD is "feeling better, bought food for the South Beach diet, went to the gym, etc" (How about going for math and chemistry tutoring) I am not going to call her at this point. I am sure I will see her when she is home for Thanksgiving.

 

[luvsJack]

Maybe this girl is not ready for college to be her job. I mean, you can't make her feel that she has to do her best or that she has to study. I have two nieces that excelled in college, were in a sorority, had a ball but still did well and are both successful. But no one talked them into it, they just wanted to do what they did from the beginning.

Others need to mature a bit before college and there are those that do better in a tech or voc. program that has more hands on learning and less academic classes.

If she doesn't care about her classes, its going to be hard to make her care, kwim?

 

[DawnCt1]

Maybe this girl is not ready for college to be her job. I mean, you can't make her feel that she has to do her best or that she has to study. I have two nieces that excelled in college, were in a sorority, had a ball but still did well and are both successful. But no one talked them into it, they just wanted to do what they did from the beginning.

Others need to mature a bit before college and there are those that do better in a tech or voc. program that has more hands on learning and less academic classes.

If she doesn't care about her classes, its going to be hard to make her care, kwim?

She's like a lot of kids, "Everyone wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to die". She likes the idea of college. She likes the idea of attending classes, living away at college, I just don't see her terribly motivated to put in the effort. One of my DSs wasn't terribly motivated so we kept him home and he went to community college to demonstrate motivation....and achievement. I think that is the choice they should have made for this semester, but they didn't. Edited to add, her mother's big concern seems to be her DD's weight....again. So what! She could lose 20 lbs but if she doesn't who cares?

 

[NHdisneylover]

Maybe instead of "telling" her anything you could ask her how she is doing and see if she wants to talk. Let her lead the conversation. She may see things very differently than her mother does. I would also make sure that she doesn't perceive you as a spy for her mother. If you truly have a relationship with the girl and want to help her I think you should be honest with her, but I wouldn't run back to her mom with a full report.

I would absolutely recommend starting there Ask her what SHE wants (not what Mom wants). Ask her what she thinks is causing her to fail, etc.

Also, I see so many people on this thread recommending she move home. Honestly, from what little info we have here that seesm like a terrible idea to me. If mom is encouraging having fun and loosing weight (presumably based on what you say about Mom, more from a so as to attract boys perspective and not a health perspective) over getting a good education and applying herself, then it seems to me that living with mom full time would only make it worse. I WOULD encourage her (if she decides to continue her studies) to live on campus for at least the next year. She would be smart to even get rid of the car for a year so the temptation to go out and party is harder to follow up on. I would also encourage her to set some realistic goals and find a method to check in with you, or someone, weekly, so she has more motivation (accountability) to keep up with them (goals like take only 12 credits, BUT attend all classes every day, attend tutoring once a week, etc.).

As far as boys go--yeah I agree focusing entitely on them is not good. Nor is getting so "set" on a boy that you are too devestated to keep going (over and over as seems to be the case here) when it turns out he does not have the same feelings for you. However, sometimes serious relationships start in college and they work. DH and I started dating midway through Freshman year. I maintained an academic scholarship which required my grades be in the top 2% of the university throughout college--while taking 17-21 credits per semester and working about 20 hours per week. DH got decent grades and will tell you he was eventually partly motivated by wanting to "impress" me FIREDANCER--we both knew DH (not that we were married then--waited until after graduation to tie the knot) was likely to need to move far away to start his career--which he did. It was not a big deal to me (we have moved further for that career since).

 

[tomthebarncat]

and tell her that school beats work anyday, and she has the rest of her life to work and she will. I did this crap in 1981, after two semesters of failing grades, my dad stuck his foot up my backside. I ended up joining the army where I quickly realized that school was alot more fun then the army was ever going to be. As for mom, she also needs a reality check, her daughter is not doing well at school because it is not important to her. When she ends up working retail for 5 bucks an hour, maybe then university would have some value. Where is the personal accountability for failing grades? this would not be my child, as I would have already stuck my foot up her backside