College Essay Help.

[SBubba18]

So I really need people to read this essay I had to write for admission to Lake Erie College here in Ohio. If you have the time can you guys please read it and correct the mistakes. I am really wanting to get into this college. Thank you!! Also, for anyone else writing essays for college, post them here if you want people to proof read them!

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In your mind vividly picture a scene that a person would see in an emergency room. A man lying on a stretcher coming in by an ambulance, doctors and nurses rushing to his rescue with the man’s family following close behind. In the picture, I will be one of those doctors rushing to the man to help him.

First off let me introduce myself. My name is Rebecca Strauss and I’m a seventeen year old going into my senior year of school at Eastlake North High School. I live at home with my father Robert, mother Michele, sister Carli, and dog Casey. I have a major interest in music. I am in all four of my school’s bands, Boulevard of Blues Jazz Ensemble, Eastlake North High Marching Rangers Marching Band, Wind Symphony and Symphonic Band. I have many goals I would like to succeed in during my lifetime. The most important goal is to become a doctor sometime in my life and have a loving family along with a wonderful job. A second goal in my life is to keep working on music by learning new instruments and composing some of my own pieces of music.

To get a head start on my goal of becoming a doctor, this fall I am attending the School Of Practical Nursing offered through the Willoughby-Eastlake Technical Center. I believe graduating with my LPN license will help with Pre-Medicine programs. After attending school for Pre-Medicine, I am hoping to further my education by attending Case Western Reserve School of Medicine to become a pediatrician at a local children hospital. Becoming a doctor has been an ambition I have had since I was a little girl. Growing up with asthma and frequent pneumonia episodes has caused me to be surrounded by many of doctors thus with them helping me, I want to give back when I am older and help children who have to go through what I have to.

Family is major part of my life. Every evening at home we sit down for a family dinner along with also taking family vacations. I am growing up in a loving environment and I want to provide the same for my future husband and children. Everything my parents have gave each other and to myself and little sister I want to be able to do for my family. My parents have showed me what a true loving family is made of.

Lastly, I am majorly into music. I can play a total of thirteen different instruments and I am planning on learning more. Music has always been something I can fall back on when I am having rough times. One day I want to compose my own piece of music to share with the world. Playing instruments has helped me grow as a person. Handling delicate objects like instruments has taught me to appreciate the finer things in life. I should always look ahead, never back, and to always reach for the stars.

 

[BabyPiglet]

Sounds great, but some of the language you used is a little too casual for a formal college essay. 'Majorly', 'First off', etc. Also, is there a minimum length, because it's seems a little short.

Also, as I re-read it, it seems there's a few grammar mistakes.

 

[imabrat]

Yeah, it's a bit too casual.

 

[SBubba18]

The essay is supposed to be 500 words and it's 498..I am horrible at grammar and writing so I will change the majorly and first off.

Thanks for your help.

 

[MickeyisBeast]

So I really need people to read this essay I had to write for admission to Lake Erie College here in Ohio. If you have the time can you guys please read it and correct the mistakes. I am really wanting to get into this college. Thank you!! Also, for anyone else writing essays for college, post them here if you want people to proof read them!

_____________________________________________________________
In your mind vividly picture a scene that a person would see in an emergency room. A man lying on a stretcher coming in by an ambulance, doctors and nurses rushing to his rescue with the man’s family following close behind. In the picture, I will be one of those doctors rushing to the man to help him.

First off let me introduce myself. My name is Rebecca Strauss and I’m a seventeen year old going into my senior year of school at Eastlake North High School. I live at home with my father Robert, mother Michele, sister Carli, and dog Casey. I have a major interest in music. I am in all four of my school’s bands, Boulevard of Blues Jazz Ensemble, Eastlake North High Marching Rangers Marching Band, Wind Symphony and Symphonic Band. I have many goals I would like to succeed in during my lifetime. The most important goal is to become a doctor sometime in my life and have a loving family along with a wonderful job. A second goal in my life is to keep working on music by learning new instruments and composing some of my own pieces of music.

To get a head start on my goal of becoming a doctor, this fall I am attending the School Of Practical Nursing offered through the Willoughby-Eastlake Technical Center. I believe graduating with my LPN license will help with Pre-Medicine programs. After attending school for Pre-Medicine, I am hoping to further my education by attending Case Western Reserve School of Medicine to become a pediatrician at a local children hospital. Becoming a doctor has been an ambition I have had since I was a little girl. Growing up with asthma and frequent pneumonia episodes has caused me to be surrounded by many of doctors thus with them helping me, I want to give back when I am older and help children who have to go through what I have to.

Family is major part of my life. Every evening at home we sit down for a family dinner along with also taking family vacations. I am growing up in a loving environment and I want to provide the same for my future husband and children. Everything my parents have gave each other and to myself and little sister I want to be able to do for my family. My parents have showed me what a true loving family is made of.

Lastly, I am majorly into music. I can play a total of thirteen different instruments and I am planning on learning more. Music has always been something I can fall back on when I am having rough times. One day I want to compose my own piece of music to share with the world. Playing instruments has helped me grow as a person. Handling delicate objects like instruments has taught me to appreciate the finer things in life. I should always look ahead, never back, and to always reach for the stars.

I believe there should be a comma after wind symphony. So it should say Wind Symphony, and Symphonic Band.

We were taught to use a comma before 'and' when stating a list.

 

[imabrat]

I believe there should be a comma after wind symphony. So it should say Wind Symphony, and Symphonic Band.

We were taught to use a comma before 'and' when stating a list.

No that's the name of the band, she only participates in 4 of the bands and that's the name of one of the bands.
I think.

 

[GoofysOnlyGirl]

hmm, it does seem very short and casual. Your sentences are choppy and don't really flow. When are you submitting it? I would have your senior english teacher review it before you send it in if they are ready. Mine read I think every student in her class's papers, and she really knew what colleges looked for in papers. Hmm, I have some time on my hand I will help out as best I can. My comments will be in bold.
P.s. my grammer/spelling is horrible, so definently double check. If you have any questions post them here or private message. Sorry if it is a bit confusing. I broke up your current paragraphs and made each one with a theme to help it flow.
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In your mind vividly(I think vividly should be taken out, or replaced. It does not really fit here in my opinion) picture a scene that a person would see in an emergency room. A man lying on a stretcher coming in by an ambulance, doctors and nurses rushing to his rescue with the man’s family following close behind.(It always flows better when things go in threes, so maybe add a third scene here. You can even switch it up and say "and the man's family rushing to keep up with the chaos" Just adding the and instead of with I think would really help it flow smoothly. In the picture, I will be one of those doctors rushing to the man to help him.(I don't know why but I don't like how this sentence is structured. Maybe try something along the lines of "One day I hope to be one of these life savers" ect. I am not sure, but it just doesn't really fit as a thesis statement the way you have it now.)

First off let me introduce myself.(I don't really think this statement is needed. My teacher always tried to get in our heads quality not quantity and this sentence sounds like you are just trying to fill words. It would be better to take this out and add something more substantial later in the essay that focuses on your accomplishments, ect.) My name is Rebecca Strauss and I’m a seventeen year old(change this to "I am seventeen years old going..." It just flows a bit better. going into my senior year of school at Eastlake North High School. I live at home with(Maybe add something along the lines of "my loving and supporting family that includes". It gives you a few more words and shows what type of enviroment you have grown up in. my father Robert, mother Michele, sister Carli, and dog Casey.(I personally would take the dog out. Like I said things flow better in three's and the dog is throwing it off just a bit).Family is major part of my life. Every evening at home we sit down for a family dinner along with also taking family vacations. I am growing up in a loving environment and I want to provide the same for my future husband and children. Everything my parents have gave each other and to myself and little sister I want to be able to do for my family. My parents have showed me what a true loving family is made of.

I have a major(definently take out major, not needed.) interest in music. I am in all four of my school’s bands,(add "which are" or something along those lines to fill in that gap) Boulevard of Blues Jazz Ensemble, Eastlake North High Marching Rangers Marching Band, Wind Symphony and Symphonic Band. I can play a total of thirteen different instruments and I am planning(take out "am planning" and put just "plan") on learning more. Music has always been something I can fall back on when I am having rough times.(Change this to something like "Music has always been my escape when things in my life are tearing me down. I helps me cope with my problems and express how I feel." The sentence you have just does not "fit". One day I want to compose my own piece of music to share with the world. Playing instruments has helped me grow as a person. Handling delicate objects, like instruments, has taught me to appreciate the finer things in life.

(are you in any other clubs, sports, community service. Add that here. You want to highlight everything you can. Colleges want people who are involved, because that most likely means you will get involved at their school as well.

I have many goals I would like to succeed in during my lifetime(I know I switched up the order but this is not a good first sentence to a paragraph. At the moment I am drawing a blank and can not think of something suitable, but just fiddle around with it some and I am sure it will come). The most important goal is to become a doctor sometime in my life and have a loving family along with a wonderful job.Take out "the most important goal" and add something like "Currently my greatest ambition is to one day become a doctor". take out the family and wonderful job at the end. It is not needed and takes away from actually becoming a doctor. Is there any particular type of doctor you want to come. Add that instead of just plain "doctor" add that and it will add emphasis to your goal and that you have made plans. A second goal in my life is to keep working on music by learning new instruments and composing some of my own pieces of music. (This was made clear in the previous paragraph and is no longer needed here.) To get a head start on my goal of becoming a doctor, this fall I am attending the School Of Practical Nursing offered through the Willoughby-Eastlake Technical Center. I believe graduating with my LPN license will help with Pre-Medicine programs. After attending school for Pre-Medicine, I am hoping to further my education by attending Case Western Reserve School of Medicine to become a pediatrician at a local children hospital. Becoming a doctor has been an ambition I have had since I was a little girl.(wow, so this would actually be a good opening sentence for this paragraph. move it there.) Growing up with asthma and frequent pneumonia episodes has caused me to be surrounded by many of doctors thus with them helping me, I want to give back when I am older and help children who have to go through what I have to. (Also add this right behind that first sentence. It shows your reasonaing for wanting to become a doctor and helps seam the patch between what you want and how you will achieve it.

Now just add a good closing sentence.

 

[BabyPiglet]

Yes, you need a comma there like another poster suggested.

Also, are you applying for a certain program? Medicine? Music? If you are, I'd focus on one of those things.

Do you know any english majors (friends parents, family?), because they could review it. Or maybe your english teacher? It definitely needs to be a bit more coherent and formal.