College DD Homesick--Please give advice! UPDATE page 9

[antmaril]

My son is a freshman in a small (2300 students) college in rural PA. We live in Michigan - it is about 290 miles. He is very homesick. He has made a good transition with the other kids. He gets along very well with his roommate. He joined the marching band and seems to be getting along well with the kids. However, he is overwhelmed by the work (he graduated high school with a 4.1 GPA). Everything is so hard. He HATES the food. I'm sending care packages. I really don't know how it will play out. He is an only child and very close to us. I think he misses his old life. He hasn't said yet that he wants to transfer, but I'm preparing myself for it. We (and he) wanted him to have the full college experience, but I'm not sure it suits him. We are going to visit him at the end of October - he has a short break. He will be home for Thanksgiving. It will be very interesting to see how it goes. We just keep encouraging him and telling him what he's feeling is normal.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I think that what kids invision as the college experience isn't quite what it turns out to be. I'm sure we all tried to prepare our kids for the reality of college, but it's kind of like preparing an expectant parent for what life with a newborn is like...they just have to experience it, both for the good and the not so good. My DD did say that she wanted the "college experience", which is why she didn't want to live at home and commute to a local college for a year or 2. We'll see how it all plays out with our kids.

T&B

 

[missypie]

I was pretty miserable my first semeseter of college. What really helped me was the Jimmy Carter campaign. Seriously. It was the fall of '76 and I walked in and got involved. They needed volunteers whenever I was available, so I always had somewhere to go. I met not only college kids, but adults of all ages. (One nice lady even loaned me a winter coat when it got cold faster than I thought it would.)

Suggest that your child get involved in some cause - Katrina relief, a political campaign, the local food bank, teaching a junior high Bible study...something that will get her mind on others and off herself.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

You're right about the activities! She did join sailing club and hopefully will like it. I will suggest some other activities, too. Thanks for the reminder!

T&B

 

[Breezy_Carol]

T&B, this thread was an interesting read because I know the schools and have experienced the homesick DD.

DD is a sophomore at University of Maryland College Park. She is still having some separation problems all due to the BF back home. She finally made an appt for counseling for today. She is in Marching Band and involved but feels she can't make friends. It is very hard to deal with and I lost a lot of sleep after her late night phone calls.

I think a big problem is the cell phone and AIM. The kids don't have to go out and make new friends. They can sit holed up in their rooms on the phone and computer. When I was in college I had no choice but to leave the room and do things.

DS is a senior in high school and has toured UMBC, St. Mary's, Salisbury and University of Maryland College Park. Salisbury and College Park are his top two. He didn't like UMBC because it was too urban. (We live in Cecil County.) And he thought the students at St. Mary's were a little odd. It came off to me as a real party school. That's what the student panel talked about, the availability of beer.

Good luck.

 

[emmoms]

You're right about the activities! She did join sailing club and hopefully will like it. I will suggest some other activities, too. Thanks for the reminder!

T&B

If you are a religious family, many denominations' congregations make themselves available to college students. At DD1's school, our denomintion has a large presence and she became active with them and developed some lasting friendships. At DD2's school, the local church families "adopted" the college students and have them over for dinners and such. DD3 wasn't so lucky in the church related activities at her school, but she was born to be a sorority girl and pledged during the fall semester of her freshman year.

Sending an email a day is a great idea. I started sending a goodnight each night when DD1 left for college in 1996. I'm still sending each of them a goodnight everyday now that they've graduated, married and begun their own lives. Just inconsequential stuff - things I've done, people I've heard from, silly things I've heard on the news, and of course, a big I LOVE YOU!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Breezy_Carol, those darn boyfriends back home!!!

Interesting that your son thinks of St Mary's as more of a party school, but is considering Salisbury. My DD sure tried to convince us that Salisbury was the party school when she really wanted to go to St Mary's. We told her that a person can find alcohol at any school and they can also find non-partiers at any school. It's a matter of what friends they seek out. Of course from 3 hours away I don't know which kids my DD has found!

You're right about IM and cell phones. It's nice to have those easy ways to touch base with others at home, etc, but it's also too easy to make those connections primary as opposed to getting out and making the school their new home.

Emmoms, we're Jewish and I know that Salisbury has a Jewish group, for lack of a better word, that is headed up by a professor. It's the only college that she applied to that doesn't have a Hillel. I wish that she would contact them, but as far as I know hasn't done so. I will ask her about it and hopefully she will do so.

That's nice that you still touch base daily with your daughters. Those memories are priceless!

T&B

 

[LvsTnk]

Speaking from the other side, DD is still home in HS while her BF went to college 20 hrs away, DD totally agreed with the cell phone/internet thing.

I feel bad for the guy and so does she, she wants him to enjoy his college experence like her brother who is also the same age as her BF.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Update...

I wish it were better news! My DD seemed to be adjusting and was talking about "next semester I'm..." as recently as a couple weeks ago. She was home last weekend and dropped a hint that she shouldn't have gone away to school and last night called and "announced" that she is coming home next semester, going to a community college for a semester or so and then transferring to the commuter college that is affiliated with our state college system (and living at home then).

To put it mildly, I am not happy about this. To be blunt I'm pissed off and I know most of this has to do with her boyfriend who lives here. Of course she says that it has nothing to do with him and that she's homesick and does not like where she is at. Yeah, right, then how come when she was home last weekend we hardly saw her?

I told her that if her current school is not a good match that's fine and that she needs to figure out a better match for next year. She needs to visit other colleges and make an informed decision, which is very different than reacting, which is what she is doing.

The very ironic thing is that her boyfriend just found out that he is probably going to get hired as a career firefighter in our county, assuming he passes his physical test. If he does, he will start an intensive 22 week recruit class, which is all day, M-F, so she won't even see him much.

I just don't know what to say to her. I am so disappointed that she is wanting to go this route. I don't ahve a problem with her going somewhere differnt next year, but she needs to really think it through and not college hop.

Also, I was going to bring her to WDW in January and now I'm ready to call that off.

Funny thing is that when she went to college the end of August I was crying because my DD was leaving. last night I was crying because I don't want her to move back home.

 

[Mimi Q]

 

[justhat]

to you. I left home for college in 1998, so not too long ago, and I remember how I felt about leaving home at first. I desparately wanted to go back home. My mom, only having had me at home with her the whole year before that since my father died in 1997, missed me just as much (like all moms, but a bit worse since it was just me and her after all we went through) and so she came to visit once in the 1st month I was there, I came home for the weekend the 2nd month, then 2 weeks later she came for family weekend with my grandparents. Oh, and I was in college in Baltimore and we lived in NJ so it was about a 3-4 hour drive. By the time family weekend came around, I of course was still sad to see them go home, but had made enough friends that I wasn't too upset about it. That was I guess the end of October. After that I didnt' go home till Thanksgiving and then again Christmas (but we had off from mid-December through the end of January).

I had a boyfriend at the time I went to college and he was going in his 2nd year at a college in mid-Ohio. It was harder for me to watch him leave my last year of high school than it was to leave for college myself. When I left for college we had been dating over a year. He came to visit once in October and around that time I realized we were moving in different directions and over Christmas break I broke up with him. Of course, in my case it helped that I had a cute boy living in the room next to me in college (and he's now my husband )

But I digress. Anyway, my point was, I was not happy when I first left for college and was actively looking into transferring. It was a hard adjustment for me at first and I felt like I needed to be home for my mom. My mom was supportive, as you definitely are too, but kept telling me that if I wanted to leave it couldn't be till the end of the year-so transferring as a sophomore. By that point I had no interest in transferring at all. I had plenty of friends, was part of many groups, had my roommates and dorm room set for the next year, and the idea of going somewhere else didn't even enter my mind. Of course, when my grandmother died after Thanksgiving my sophomore year that feeling came back and I looked into going home again. That time though my now husband was enough to make me stay, since I knew it would be just as hard to leave him. Right now we live in DC and we're up in NJ visiting my mom this weekend. It's great, but I want to go back home. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and enjoy spending time with her, but my life is in DC and the thought of having to move out of state in June (which is very likely ) has me just as depressed as going away to college was.

So my advice, if there's any way you can convince your daughter to do this, would be to tell her to stick it out for the year, research other schools, see where she thinks she'd like to go, other than just living at home and commuting. She can spend some time over Christmas break checking out other areas, maybe some closer to home if that's what she prefers, but at least it would be an informed decision, like you pointed out. Did you pay for the whole year yet? If so, maybe you could kinda point that out nicely as a reason to stay through May. I don't mean hold it over her head that "I paid for this so you better stay," but more of a "well, could you consider sticking it out for the sping semester since we've already paid and will lose money if you leave?" My guess is that if she makes it to May, she won't want to leave .

Good luck with however the situation ends up playing out. I know how tough it is for your daughter, but now as a mom I know how it must feel for you too. Soory this was so long, but I thought maybe having a story that sorta relates could help you out in some way.

 

[Blueeyes101817]

My parents told me i had to do the full research looking at different colleges to go to..i picked a few in NJ that i would be able to commute to, and then looked at a few others as well..I ended up picking one about 35 minutes away from my house so i commute..i love it and im much happier..plus im able to work more...
but my parents sat me down and told me i had to make an informed decision bc i wasnt going to transfer again....

 

[Tigger&Belle]

:

So my advice, if there's any way you can convince your daughter to do this, would be to tell her to stick it out for the year, research other schools, see where she thinks she'd like to go, other than just living at home and commuting. She can spend some time over Christmas break checking out other areas, maybe some closer to home if that's what she prefers, but at least it would be an informed decision, like you pointed out.

Were you listening to our conversation? LOL

My DH was within earshot and he said I did a very good job making my points clearly, without too much emotion and that I brought up very good things to consider.

We only paid for the first semester so I can't use that as leverage.

I suppose that I will use WDW as leverage, but I need to do that very carefully. Of course the possibility of not being about to go to WDW myself makes me mad and I wish that I had of made that contingent on her staying at Salisbury, but I didn't think it was even an issue when we started making the WDW plans.

The thing is, staying at home for a year or so was an option from the beginning, but she made it crystal clear that she did NOT want to live at home (ie, "I can't wait until I move out of this house--I hate it here").

I'm really hoping that with her boyfriend being so busy this winter that she'll reconsider.

I would even be willing to let her take a car with her back to college to help her get home easier. I haven't brought that up with my DH--he will not like the idea. Maybe because it's his car she'd be taking. I would buy him another car, though.

He did bring up telling her that we will come get her once a month and bring her home for the weekend to give her something to look forward to on a regular basis. Might help sway her, but I know having a car there would make a difference to her.

Thanks for the kind words and Mimi Q thanks for the !

 

[Tigger&Belle]

but my parents sat me down and told me i had to make an informed decision bc i wasnt going to transfer again....

Maybe once our call last night has sunk in with her I can make it clearer to her exactly what we expect out of her. I do want her to look more carefully at her schools and not go to community college as a default, then transferring after 1-2 semesters. She came into this fall with 1/2 year of college (1/2 of her senior load was college course through the community college) so she will be starting out next semester as a sophomore.

 

[justhat]

Don't we all want to leave that rotten house before we actually do!?! I think it will really help your case that you are staying so level-headed and calm about the whole situation. Once you turn into that radical mom then you lose your credibility! I think your idea of using your WDW trip as leverage would be a good idea-ya know, after all, guess taking a vacation won't be too feasible with starting at a new school, having to learn their policies, teaching style, etc. But, by staying at the current school you've already go that down so what's a few days away! I also agree that taking a car would help, plus you guys visiting more frequently, though I am sure that won't be too easy for you with other kids at home so it's great to make that effort. Also, I didn't mention this before, but I think the urge to come back home is always strongest when you are home or right after you go back to school. Ya know, you kinda realize what it is you're missing.

 

[justhat]

Maybe once our call last night has sunk in with her I can make it clearer to her exactly what we expect out of her. I do want her to look more carefully at her schools and not go to community college as a default, then transferring after 1-2 semesters. She came into this fall with 1/2 year of college (1/2 of her senior load was college course through the community college) so she will be starting out next semester as a sophomore.

Reading this only makes me want to tell her to stay there! She'll be more than 1/4 of the way done by May!! There's some great incentive. She sounds like a smart girl so hopefully she'll look past her love for the boyfriend and see the benefits of thinking through her plan before making any moves.

 

[Disneyrsh]

Update...

I wish it were better news! My DD seemed to be adjusting and was talking about "next semester I'm..." as recently as a couple weeks ago. She was home last weekend and dropped a hint that she shouldn't have gone away to school and last night called and "announced" that she is coming home next semester, going to a community college for a semester or so and then transferring to the commuter college that is affiliated with our state college system (and living at home then).

To put it mildly, I am not happy about this. To be blunt I'm pissed off and I know most of this has to do with her boyfriend who lives here. Of course she says that it has nothing to do with him and that she's homesick and does not like where she is at. Yeah, right, then how come when she was home last weekend we hardly saw her?

I told her that if her current school is not a good match that's fine and that she needs to figure out a better match for next year. She needs to visit other colleges and make an informed decision, which is very different than reacting, which is what she is doing.

The very ironic thing is that her boyfriend just found out that he is probably going to get hired as a career firefighter in our county, assuming he passes his physical test. If he does, he will start an intensive 22 week recruit class, which is all day, M-F, so she won't even see him much.

I just don't know what to say to her. I am so disappointed that she is wanting to go this route. I don't ahve a problem with her going somewhere differnt next year, but she needs to really think it through and not college hop.

Also, I was going to bring her to WDW in January and now I'm ready to call that off.

Funny thing is that when she went to college the end of August I was crying because my DD was leaving. last night I was crying because I don't want her to move back home.

You don't have to let her move back home; you can take some of the money you're saving with her transferring to a cheaper college and get her an apartment. I'd also have a talk with her about how her moving back in impacts you, and that she's not being sensitive to it. I was a teenager not long ago, and I was incredibly dramatic, selfish and self centered. I needed to have a few emotional buckets of cold water tossed on me before I started to grow up...

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I figured out a good way to tie this college thing to WDW...Her Salisbury spring semester wouldn't have started until the very end of January (according to my DD) and I'd decided that we'd go to WDW so we were back several days before going back to college. I just looked and the community college starts the week before, so that would interfere with the WDW dates. Yay, now I don't need to look like a witch, to put it nicely. I will still bring up that WDW was going to be a reward for going to college, but there will be the other very concrete issue that is not in my control. Not my fault the 2 colleges have a different start date.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

You don't have to let her move back home; you can take some of the money you're saving with her transferring to a cheaper college and get her an apartment. I'd also have a talk with her about how her moving back in impacts you, and that she's not being sensitive to it. I was a teenager not long ago, and I was incredibly dramatic, selfish and self centered. I needed to have a few emotional buckets of cold water tossed on me before I started to grow up...

Yeah, I did consider that, too. With the cost of living being so high here I don't know how expensive that would be, but it's certainly worth looking into.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Reading this only makes me want to tell her to stay there! She'll be more than 1/4 of the way done by May!! There's some great incentive. She sounds like a smart girl so hopefully she'll look past her love for the boyfriend and see the benefits of thinking through her plan before making any moves.

Yeah, she's smart, but she's also so emotional. I suppose that's normal for a girl her age (she's won't even be 18yo until the end of Dec).