College DD Homesick--Please give advice! UPDATE page 9

[KelNottAt]

Just chiming in to repeat what others have said...She's gotta stick it out for the first year; a semester at least.

Here's my story: I went to Towson. (LOL In 1982 it was still Towson State .)My roommate was even a friendly acquaintance I had known since 3rd grade. We were a good match. But I was very homesick.

My dad made me the following deal: If I complete the first year (with good grades) I can come home or transfer to any school I want (within reason). This really perked me up and got me out of the mopes. But guess what? By Thanksgiving I had made so many friends I never wanted to leave. I even starting dating DH in December.

Perhaps, if things get really really really bad for your DD the same deal might be worth considering. That way, if she still wants to change schools next May, you'll know it's not an impulse decision to be with BF. (I think he's the biggest factor in her homesickness.) In the meantime, definitely make her stick it out.

Don't forget, you can always visit her. I make day trips to OC all the time to visit my Grandma in the nursing home. It's a breeze. I did it yesterday (holiday Saturday) and there was no traffic! That may be a simple way to give her a dose of family while she stays at school.

Good luck.

 

[MICKEY_MOUSE]

where this is her first week, once school gets underway and she is hit with tons of work. her time of thinking at home should change. I also think that of the BF also. where she is in honors program. school is all she will be able to focus on.

a nice touch that I saw at Brookstone(the store) was a picture frame that talked! maybe you could take a family picture, and say a "you can do it messege" that she can use for inspiration!!!

I think also once she meets more people, she will be fine. and will probaly start to enjoy herself!

good luck!

 

[NHAnn]

I'm a sophomore in college this year and I'm really homesick right now as well. The best advice that I can give her/you is to stick it out for the first couple weeks. Usually after two/three weeks my homesickness starts to go away. Classes are in full swing and everyone has gotten into a routine. Encourage her to get involved on campus so that she isn't just sitting around thinking about how sad she is. And tell her it really does get better and easier!

aaawwwww MIss you too sweetie.

To the OP....I think the "stick it out first semester and then we'll talk" is probably a good idea. Still, like everyone else has said....let her know (and convince yourself too ) that it IS normal, and it WILL pass, and it will get better. Once she gets more into the swing of things on campus - after the initial shock/adjustment of leaving home has eased a bit- she will be better able to see if the social and academic scene of her college is a good fit for her or not, and consider transfering options after a full semester or even an academic year.


I really feel for both of you...it's so hard

 

[LoveWDW]

Tell her that the first week is the hardest. Once classes are well underway and activities for new people are taking place, she'll feel more comfortable. I was terribly homesick the first month or so that I was in college, but once the place was more familiar, it was fine.

If she is still unhappy at the end of the semester maybe she should come home. But it would be a good idea to have ground rules- if she came home she must go to the local college and maybe get a job in addtion. Just an idea.

 

[Blueeyes101817]

along the lines of wait the semester then transfer---if shes still miserable after a couple months, then i would start the application process to a closer school...if you wait till after the actual semester is over, *mid december*, you need to make sure the applications to whatever other schools will bel ooked at in time ..
my parents deal to me was that i could come home after the 1st semester (i decided this by the end of october) but i had to go right into school starting the nexst semester with no time off...so i started the paper work beginning of november and made sure i had somewhere to go

 

[golfgal]

Some friends have 5 DD's and they are all grown. They had a rule that the girls couldn't come home for 6 weeks after leaving for college. They all knew that in advance, so it wasn't a great surprise. It forced the girls to get out and meet people, do things, etc. While a couple of them were pretty homesick, the 6 week separation helped them get adjusted. I would tell your dd that she has to say for x number of weeks. By that time she will have started classes, gotten to know some people and gotten involved in some activities. If at the end of those however many weeks, she still doesn't like it, you will discuss transferring. Oh, and don't let the boyfriend visit for those same number of weeks, too, if you can.

 

[disneymom3]

Yikes, 2000 miles is a long way! My DD and I IM a lot, but I'll start sending her a daily e-mail of some sort. I think that I'm so concerned about making her more homesick that I'm probably doing just the opposite. ARG! What's a mother to do?

T&B

Yep, I grew up in So CA and came to MN for college. Just as another note that I forgot to mention--my freshman year, my grandma died in CA, my boyfriend--also in CA--broke up with me, and my sister who I am very close to was going through a divorce. It was a rough year and I was feeling really homesick. My parents did make me stick it out the whole year, but that summer I came home with the intention of staying and finishing college in CA. However, by the time classes started in Sept, I was already misiing MN. Then when school started, I knew I was not in the right place. I ended up returning to MN in Feb and finished college here and in fact live here still at age 36! It will all work out!

 

[Microcell]

I have a seven and three year old, but you know already, with a seven year old DD, Dads are usually less than rational when it comes to thier little girl!

I have to relate a story that sums it up for me: My DS was 6 months old, and DD four. They were blasting to build a road nearby and for some reason the emergency sirens were going off. When the all clear was sounded, DH called me at work and told me this.

Not once, but twice he heard the sirens and grabbed my ambulitory 4 year old DD and ran downstairs with her, leaving the baby to fend for himself! He swears it was instinct. Every time there is a storm, I call him if I am not at home and remind him to help DS too!

 

[diznygirl]

I recommend staying a year. I can still remember the difference between the first year and the second year. The first year I didn't know anyone except a few girls in my dorm. During the year I met a few more people in my classes. At the beginning of the second year it was like we all had known each other forever! Just getting back on campus and seeing people was such a rush of happiness.

If you give her one semester, she will stick it out and return home for good in December. If you make her go back for a second semester, she may feel the difference and no longer be homesick.

For now, tell her to decorate her room with things that remind her of home so she won't feel so lonely. And be patient. I think the breakdown of the semester into weeks really will help too.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Jen, I'm glad that things ended up turning out well for you and you figured out a college that was better suited for you!

KelNottAt, I like the deal that your dad made with you! If my DD were to stick it out for a year and then transfer at least it would show that she's trying to make it work at her current college and that the decision is not a whim. Also, it would give her and her boyfriend a chance to either realize that they aren't a match or that they do have longer term potential.

I am hoping that once she meets more people that she'll be happier. Now she just needs to take action and figure out how to meet those people.

I will mention to her that she need to give it time and that before she's adjusted there she won't be able to figure out if the school is a good fit.

We did tell her that she wouldn't be able to come home for about 6 weeks. If she waits until her court appearance it will be more like 10 weeks, but maybe she can find a ride back here before that date.

disneymom3, what a tough first year at college you had! No surprise that you were homesick. Interesting that you came home and then went back to your original college.

I just heard from my DD--she decided (with some other girls) to walk to the local mall.. Of course they didn't Mapquest the distance, but just started walking (maybe they didn't even know where they were going to walk to when they left the dorm). She called me asking me to tell her the address of the mall. Me, being the mother that I am, told her the mall was closed on Sunday... I did quickly tell her the truth, but she, being my daughter told her friends that it was closed just to hear their reaction. The nut doesn't fall far from the tree, does it? Anyway, it's over 4 miles each way from the campus to the mall. LOL You have to understand, my DD is the type to want to drive a couple blocks to a friends house. Next time I bet that they'll wait until a day that the shuttle runs a bus to the mall. But I am glad that she got out and got some fresh air and exercise!

She also told me that our local fire department is sending a bunch of firefighters to New Orleans and wants to send her boyfriend. It would mean him missing 2 weeks of school, though, so don't know what he will decide. What an experience that would be for him!

T&B

 

[Tiggeroo]

How would she feel if she gave up the college she wanted to attend for the bf and then they broke up in six months. It happens. You don't get scholarships later if you come back. That's the main reason I would try to find a way for her to stick it out.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Seems like a year is the time that she should give it.

Tiggeroo, I agree about the boyfriend. She would be giving up a lot and for what? Maybe they'll end up staying together, but odds are they won't. If she stays there for a whole year and they continue to date during that time at least they will know each other a lot better (as much as you can during a long distance relationship).

T&B

 

[Not so Dumbo]

I live in a college town and I know the first few weeks of school the local hotel is aways booked with parents who stay to ease their kids into the transition.

 

[MandM-Mom]

What about suggesting she stick it out this year and boyfriend transfer to her school next year. If its just a fling by the time next year comes boyfriend will be gone and she will have made all knew friends.

 

[Blueeyes101817]

Jen, I'm glad that things ended up turning out well for you and you figured out a college that was better suited for you!

Thanks--it really was a horrible semester so i feel bad for your daughter--but im hoping she gets involved and has a good time!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I can imagine visiting my child at some point, but I can't imagine staying in a hotel and hanging out for awhile when they first go away to college!

I'm not sure that her boyfriend could transfer. Right now he's at a community college and once he finishes there he wants to go to a University, but it needs to have whatever degree he wants to become a career firefighter (the degree helps him move up the ranks, as I understand it). Now he's living at home, but I think he pays his own tuition, car payment, insurance, and rent to his parents. I don't know that he could afford to live away at college. Or maybe with loans he could. Interesting idea to propose to my DD, though.

Basically, that's what my now DH did when we were in college. We'd met when I was just out of HS--he was 2 years older (still is, actually ) and we had a long distance romance for about a year and then he moved from Southern California to Oregon (still quite a distance from where I was living) and then after maybe 6 months I transferred to the college he was at. I imagine that our parents were pretty , but we thought we were really quite grown up. We just celebrated our 23rd anniversary, though, so we must have chosen right.

T&B

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Thought I would update...

My DD hasn't talked again about transferring to a closer college and moving back home. I'm hoping that her homesickness is better. One worry is that it's not, but in her mind it's a moot point and she "knows" she's transferring after this semester. I really don't even want to bring it up with her.

Her boyfriend went to visit her for several hours yesterday. He also told her that he would go pick her up and bring her here one weekend in October. Of course then I'd need to either bring her home or have her ride the bus (I would probably insist on the bus--she needs to learn to use the bus). She'll be home for a day in early November for her court date and then for Thanksgiving.

Maybe the topic will come up when she is home one of her visits or when we go for parents weekend later this month.

Thanks for all the support--it helped me realize that this is perfectly normal and gave me some hints on how to deal with it.

T&B

 

[MickeysMommy]

T&B ~ I had a similar experience...many moons ago now but I ended up coming home. I had gone to a local community college for 2 years and transferred to another school for my last 2 years. It was a good school but 3 hours away from home and in the middle of nowhere. You had to drive at least 30 minutes to get to a walmart...anyway, I was absolutely miserable and talked at length with my parents and in the end came home about 4 weeks into school. I couldn't stay there. Plus, I was in an on-campus apartment with 3 other girls that had gone to the school the whole time and had already established friends and such and didn't really include me in anything so that didn't help.

I came home, got a job for the rest of the semester and transferred to the local university here in January. Graduated the following August and couldn't have been happier.

Sometimes, going away to school is not the best for everyone. I know it wasn't the best decision for me and now, my mother tells me that when we went to bring me to school she took one look at the apartment and told my boyfriend (now ex-husband) that this wasn't going to work. If she really wants to come home, I would let her. If she is as miserable as I was it's not worth it.

 

[Maleficent13]

I skimmed most of the replies and I didn't see this mentioned, but it sounds like your DD is trapped on a small campus (ie, no car). Coming from someone who was also trapped on a very small campus (1500 students total) with no car for the first 2 years, this SUCKS!

Now, before everyone says, but she needs to be studying, not joyriding, and it isn't Mom's responsibility to give her a car, hey, I know! But coming from the point of view of someone who spent just about every evening the first semester wandering aimlessly around campus, lack of a car in a confined area can depress the hell out of you. My campus didn't offer any diversions...dining hall closed at 6:30, and there was no other social gathering place.

I have no idea if this is the case on your DD's campus, but I just wanted to offer my take on the subject. When I remember my first two years on campus, I pretty much remember absolute boredom. Once I got my car and a job, I was fine (and incidentally, my GPA improved the last two years).

 

[Tigger&Belle]

One of the schools that my DD looked at was in a teeny town, with NOTHING (except a grocery store, or so I heard). No Target, Wal-Mart, restaurants. It was a nice little college, but I knew that it would not be a good fit. Where she is at now has a lot more to do. I really thought she would have been happier at UMBC since it is near Baltimore with a lot of things to do, but she didn't like the campus. She might be regretting that now since it's a lot closer to home.

I do think that she is adjusting and would like to see her stick it out this year. If a boyfriend was not involved I'd say 1 semester, but I really don't want her moving back home for a guy she hardly knows.

Hopefully she'll give me a clue as to what her current thinking is!

T&B