Christmas, family, changes (Long)

[mrsstats]

I will try to make this short. I am married, no children (not by choice), my brother, 4 years older, married, 2 kids and now a grandfather of 1. My sister, 13 years younger, married 2 kids. Up to last year, we always spent Christmas together. Up to 10 years ago, I have it at my house. My house being a 4 room bungalow. No problem, didnt mind. 10 years ago when my Dad past, I decided it was time for a change. My brothers kids were teens, my quarters were tight, I did Christmas alot for my dad. That year we went out. Following years we started having it at my brothers. He has large house, dining room, basement etc. MY mom past 2 years ago. Fast foward to him becoming a grandfather, his daughter only has Christmas with him every other year. Last year was not her year & my DB says they are not doing Christmas. Fine, me & DH go out for Chinese, after seeing my DS in the am. Today, by DB says he wished he could only have his kids, no one else. (No what his wife wants, she wants whole family). My DS is not going to his house due to problems the 2 of them are having, so that leaves just me & DH. I tell my DB that his saying that doesnt make me really want to go to this house now.

Just to let you know, my DB and I are very close. We bowl together each week, we go on vacation together each year. He would do anything for me. He just took a day off work to spend with me while I waited for my DH to have surgery. I just don't know how to take this holiday thing. Should I just stay home? Or should I go knowing it is ok with my SIL?

Sorry, this wasnt short.

 

[MidgeD79]

I got too confused reading it, but whatever you decide, YOU will know what is right. Best of luck

 

[disykat]

It sounds like your brother wants to have a smaller Christmas this year with just his kids - no one else. I'd let him have his wish. Maybe since SIL wants you to come, you can suggest just stopping by for dessert later in the day.

Maybe your sister would enjoy getting together earlier, then you'd be able to see everyone!

 

[*Fantasia*]

I got too confused reading it, but whatever you decide, YOU will know what is right. Best of luck

Me too. I got confused in the middle of your story. I think it was the DS, DB, DW.. or maybe how the sentences was worded. But anyways.. Whatever the situation may be.. I hope it works out well for you and the rest of the family.

 

[annegal]

What our ever expanding family-now great grandkids- does is have the "big" get together before Christmas.

Then those who can't make the Christmas Day thing, its ok.Those that want a smaller "just immediate " family can do it, no hard feelings.

 

[Hannathy]

Just an idea but maybe his daughter or son in law is acting weird and wants only the grandparents there for Christmas morning?
Who knows I hate having to deal with family feelings and people acting like 2 yr olds every year. I wish it would snow about 10 feet so everyone would just have to stay at their own houses! Can you tell I have had my share of family dynamics and trying to accommodate everyones demands at Christmas. Good Luck and I think the idea of going over later like in the evening for coffee and desert may be a good idea, that way he has his day alone and you still get to see them on Christmas.

 

[va32h]

My brother did the same thing several years ago - commented that he would rather have Christmas with "just his family". My sisters, brother, mother and I were somewhat surprised by this declaration, as we had foolishly considered ourselves part of his family for, oh, our entire lives!

It caused a very large and long rift in our family. Our two sisters are childless (not by choice) and really looked forward to spending the holidays with their nieces.

My brother's position was that he wanted to enjoy seeing his daughters on Christmas morning with just his wife, not have houseguests.

At the time I had no children of my own, and everyone kept telling me that I would understand when I had my own kids.

Well now I have my own kids, and I still don't understand.

I love to have company for Christmas - family members add to my joy, not detract from it. Going to visit someone else for Christmas can be inconvenient, because of the travel aspect, but other than that, is great fun.

OP, I have no idea what to tell you. My sisters and I did honor our brother's request and stayed away at that, and several other Christmases. It's a shame, because I remember those previous holidays as lots of fun. But apparently it wasn't fun for him.

 

[deekaypee]

Maybe you could ask him why, since you're fairly close?

In general, though, I don't think it's that big a deal. There would be lots of reasons why he'd prefer a smaller get-together. There's all the added stress of hosting--even if it's a good stress. Maybe he'd like to spend more one-on-one time with his children/grandchild. Maybe it's a way of avoiding the problems with your DS. Maybe the holidays are sad/painful for him, especially since your mom passed away and his immediate family is on an every-other-year cycle. Who knows? It could be a lot of different things that he doesn't feel comfortable talking about, even to you or your DSiL.

But if you feel that it's important to spend some time together as an extended family, maybe you could revise family tradition again. (You did 10 years ago.) You could offer an alternative holiday, maybe by joining them for dessert, as one poster said, or maybe offerin to meet somewhere on Christmas eve? Or even a casual weekend event around Christmas.

I know that as my family got bigger and my grandparents got older, we shifted from a big event at their house (with Grandma doing most of the cooking) to reserving a room at a local restaurant for a family celebration sometime in January. The food was cooked for us; we had the room for an entire afternoon, where we could chat, relax, and open presents without having to wash dishes or clean houses. It was fun. We used to joke that having it after the holidays were over allowed our cheap relatives to buy gifts on sale, but it's also true that everyone was more relaxed once the family Christmas didn't have to compete with our other families (immediate, in-laws, blended) or events (church, charity work, some of our jobs). It worked for our family and as an adult I can see how it avoided some really painful conflicts.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I just don't know how to take this holiday thing. Should I just stay home? Or should I go knowing it is ok with my SIL?QUOTE]


Simple answer, you should honor your BROTHERS wishes. You and your SIL should not 'trump' him. I would see if he would agree to make some arrangements for a shorter get-together sometime, without crashing his Christmas Day.

PS: Personally, I would never want to spend Christmas Eve anywhere but in front of my fireplace with my DH, tucking my DS into his OWN bed. I can understand that some people may think that being together with extended family is more important. However, those who happen to feel like being with extended family is more important must realize that your own personal feelings about it DO NOT obligate your family members to accomodate your desires, and to always want to share the holiday with you every year.

I too was childless for many years, I would NEVER have expected my siblings to allow me to barge into their Christmas morning with their own kids. I have my own DS now, and like the previous poster who happens to feel differently about extended family, my views did not change.

 

[Wishing on a star]

My brother's position was that he wanted to enjoy seeing his daughters on Christmas morning with just his wife, not have houseguests.

He doesn't OWE anyone an invitation to come stay at his house.

Can't the sisters see their neices without barging in on the brothers private Christmas morning with his family. They had no right to expect to be accepted as if their neices were their own vicarious children.

The ones who have crossed the boundaries and caused him to draw a line, and who have turned this into the big rift, are WAYYYYY in the wrong.

 

[va32h]

He doesn't OWE anyone an invitation to come stay at his house.

Can't the sisters see their neices without barging in on the brothers private Christmas morning with his family. They had no right to expect to be accepted as if their neices were their own vicarious children.

The ones who have crossed the boundaries and caused him to draw a line, and who have turned this into the big rift, are WAYYYYY in the wrong.

Excuse me, do we know you? NO. And yet you know the inner workings of our family so well based on my one post?

I had a whole long response typed out, but I realized that I do not have to explain or justify anything to you.

You have no clue what you are talking about, you don't know anything about my family.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

After several readings I finally "get it"...

Since your brother has made a request of you, I would honor it. As you said you see him "all the time" and you are close so I think giving him his space is OK.

Now it is a little confusing why he is requesting it, but learning to honor his requests for space can be healthy for both of you.

Take it on faith that his has good reason, even though it hurts. {HUGS}

 

[C.Ann]

I would honor your DB's request.. There could be any number of reasons for his current stand on the holidays, so I wouldn't take it personally..

 

[Otimon]

Come on down to Disney and enjoy the holidays here. Accept family situations as they are at the moment and try not to worry. It, too, shall pass.

 

[mrsstats]

Thanks for your help. After I submitted it, I knew it would be hard to follow. Guess I was just ranting. I will talk to him about it more. I know it is just coming from him, not his wife or children.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks for your help. After I submitted it, I knew it would be hard to follow. Guess I was just ranting. I will talk to him about it more. I know it is just coming from him, not his wife or children.

I wouldn't talk to him anymore about it and would let it go!

Next, I would put my energies about Christmas in with your DH! Plan something special..

 

[crazyme5kids]

Maybe you could suggest a morning get together. Keep it simple and tell him you'll bring rolls and danish, all he would need to do is put a pot of coffee on the table. Could it be he's just feeling overwhelmed with the holiday? I know my MIL and my mother has gotten that way as they get older. Heck I'm getting that way too !

 

[auntpolly]

Excuse me, do we know you? NO. And yet you know the inner workings of our family so well based on my one post?

.

That's what I was wondering!

Have a heart to heart with your brother. I think there are things you need to sort out with him.

 

[va32h]

That's what I was wondering!

Have a heart to heart with your brother. I think there are things you need to sort out with him.

Actually auntpolly, the whole situation happened some 13 years ago and has resolved itself.

 

[auntpolly]

Actually auntpolly, the whole situation happened some 13 years ago and has resolved itself.

I'm talking about the relationship - not the situation.

My sister and I had a weird thing happen years ago and she was mad at me about something. Even when things were resolved, they weren't really, there was this like residual weirdness.

So I talked to her and just said, what's going on here. I found out some things I didn't know and we cleared everything up.