Christmas drama ALREADY!!!!!*New Update*POST 86*

[agnes!]

If I were the OP I'd make sure the SIL & niece who also have allergies knew that they were welcome at *my* house.

agnes!

 

[Tinijocaro]

I have a friend that visits once a year that is very allergic to our cats and dog. We go through a MAJOR cleaning, vacuum w/ hypo allergic filter, have carpets steam cleaned etc and w/ her allergy pills, she is fine.

That won't work for all people with severe allergies.

 

[Tinijocaro]

MY BIL is so allergic to cats that the past two times he was in a house with a cat, he ended up in the ER, and he is heavily medicated for his allergies. It gets to the point with some people that THEY CAN'T BREATHE. No amount of cleaning will help.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think your solution sounds fine.

 

[cm8]

Been there, done that.

I hosted all the family functions for years. When my younger sister bought a house, she decided that she would take over- she didn't want to drive with her baby in the winter. This was done without consulting me. She talked to the rest of the family and discussed my rules and how outrageous they were (no smoking in the house!) and how much further I live from them (15 miles). It so wasn't worth it to fight. Have it, have all the expense too. Let your kid be subjected to second hand smoke. It's all yours!

She stopped after a while. I won't do it again. Sadly though now my mom does it, just to keep the peace she says. I think she loves it, but it is getting to be too much work for her and not to mention expensive. She lacks the backbone to pick up the phone and delegate.

Aah, the holidays. It's no wonder people shoot each other.

 

[bumbershoot]

Is your sister willing to lock the cats up in a room and clean the rest of the house? I think if she's willing to try and all the allergic people are willing to take antihistamines then it's worth a go.

For me, when I'm in an allergic phase (changes depending on diet and if I'm under regular chiro care), the only thing worse than a cat is an ANGRY cat. And a cat locked away is generally not a happy cat.

For a period of time we had a cat (one of the worst decisions I ever made, no matter how much I loved her...she nearly killed me), and I could generally tolerate her when she was calm, but if she got stressed, it was like all the dander on her body was shot off towards my nose. She would be angry, I would be nearly dying...not fun.

As for antihistimines, while some like to lie on the couch in a semi-coma to avoid talking with relatives, not everyone feels that it's worth the effort to leave their house to come over and sleep on a couch.

I think my sister doesn't think its that big of a deal for my hubby. My mom doesn't really even get it. My mom even thinks that by locking the cats in another room the allergy simply "disappears".

People without allergies have a hard time understanding. What makes it worse is that there are different levels. Although I could barely deal with our cat, I CAN deal with my brother's two cats, usually.

But my sis in law has her cleaning people come and do a serious clean of the house before family visits, and the guest bedrooms are NEVER open to the cats, EVER. So there's a higher level of no-dander in their house than in most cat houses.

Sometimes I go there and I'm just fine. Others are rougher. But the most I generally have to do there is take one knock-out pill (which makes me fun for taking care of DS!) for one day, and when I wake up the second day I'm pretty much fine. As long as I don't pet a cat and then rub my eyes. If I do that, all bets are off.

So a non-allergic person will see the differences and think "well THAT person did it, so why can't all?" Gets confusing for them.


If I were in this situation, I'd let her figure out what she's going to do, and just decline what you can't do.



I'm so glad we're not religious and are vegetarian AND live far far away from family, so these sorts of problems never come around! A nice cozy day spent with loving family sounds nice, but not at the expense of all the stress, not for me!

 

[disneystacy]

While I agree with everyone else, that allergies are nothing to sneeze at (read my post above) and are a very real concern..... And perhaps your sister is not choosing to be respectful to those with known allergies.... I just have to say,

OP, the above is where you went wrong....
Re-read the first sentence bolded above..... she wishes to host, there is no WE....

Re-read the second sentence bolded above....
You have basicly, in her POV, re-claimed all holidays....

You should have accepted your sisters plan to host one day if she wishes... Just simply decline for your immediate family.
And, let everyone else do the same, making their own decision.

You should not have told her that her plan was unacceptable.

You should not have usurped by offering to take over the whole gig.

Tell your sister that you hope everyone has a wonderful time at her home on Christmas day... Decline her offer, or tell her that you may be able to stop by for a few minutes for dessert and coffee...

Let her do with that what she wishes.

The only reason I said I would do both this year at my house is because my sister wants everyone together. I didn't want to hit her with "and by the way I don't want to spend my entire holiday with your hubby's family" thats for a different time. I will grin and bear it this year.
I even offered to let her make her dinner in my kitchen if she wants "everyone together".
The funniest (or saddest) thing about this is my sister NEVER invites anyone for dinner the rest of the year. I always do all the cooking.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The only reason I said I would do both this year at my house is because my sister wants everyone together. I didn't want to hit her with "and by the way I don't want to spend my entire holiday with your hubby's family" thats for a different time. I will grin and bear it this year.
I even offered to let her make her dinner in my kitchen if she wants "everyone together".
The funniest (or saddest) thing about this is my sister NEVER invites anyone for dinner the rest of the year. I always do all the cooking.

Yea but as much as I hate to say it Wishing has a point. You cannot dictate everyone's dinner plans and nor should you offer. You are trying to control the holiday and that normally does not go over well.

It is best to just state to your family that you will be cooking on C. Eve for your family and due to the cats you will not be able to make it to her house and leave it at that. No need to even bring up spending time with her family. That is a really ignorant thing to say to them anyway. Use some common sense here.

If they get pissy and bow out of your house then let them do it. You have to take on a adult tone here because obviously your family is not playing with a full deck.

 

[disneystacy]

Thanks Everyone!

My mom spoke to my sister and she is still not sure what she is doing for Christmas.

I told my mom I would be having Christmas Eve and Christmas day meals at my house. They are more than welcome to join us or not completely up to them.

I will tell everyone that they need to let me know what they are doing and who is eating here by Thanksgiving, so I can plan my meals accordingly.


As far as my sisters inlaws, they are welcome to join us this year, but I will let my sister know that it ends this year.
I just hate being the big meanie.
How do I tell her tactfully that I don't want to spend holidays with her inlaws?
My sister bugs me about going to her inlaws on Thanksgiving and Easter every year, I always decline(thank god I always have plans) but it is annoying to be questioned all the time. How to I get her to stop?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks Everyone!

My mom spoke to my sister and she is still not sure what she is doing for Christmas.

I told my mom I would be having Christmas Eve and Christmas day meals at my house. They are more than welcome to join us or not completely up to them.

I will tell everyone that they need to let me know what they are doing and who is eating here by Thanksgiving, so I can plan my meals accordingly.


As far as my sisters inlaws, they are welcome to join us this year, but I will let my sister know that it ends this year.
I just hate being the big meanie.
How do I tell her tactfully that I don't want to spend holidays with her inlaws?
My sister bugs me about going to her inlaws on Thanksgiving and Easter every year, I always decline(thank god I always have plans) but it is annoying to be questioned all the time. How to I get her to stop?

When your sister offers you just say no thank you.

As far as the inlaws over to your house, you cannot give out a "everyone is welcome" and then silently stew. You are sending out mixed signals.

When your sister asks if the inlaws can join at your home, you tell her no, I prefer it to be just us.

She will get mad and maybe she will boycott your dinner plans but you have to allow people to go and do what they want.

You cannot control everything and I see that is where you have difficulty. You are like your family in that YOU also want everyone together.

Well sometimes you have to let that ship sail in order to do some tweaking.

 

[robinb]

You cannot control everything and I see that is where you have difficulty. You are like your family in that YOU also want everyone together.

I agree. I think that since your DH gave the cleaned cat house a try (and was still sick), it's perfectly acceptable for you to pass on Christmas dinner at your sister's house. You need to do what is best for your husband. BUT ... you are contributing to the drama by trying to usurp Christmas dinner back from your sister to host it yourself. You are making people in your family choose between the two of you and it won't end well. Someone's feelings will be hurt over a drama that could be easily avoided and your deadline of Thanksgiving is sure to ruin that holiday too!

Invite everyone to Christmas Eve. Invite the BIL's family if you think you can deal with them for the evening. If you really dislike them then don't (although I think you should in the spirit of the season). Then have Christmas dinner alone. Don't invite anyone else including your parents. It's not fair to them and it's not fair to your sister.

Good luck working things out!

 

[disneystacy]

When your sister offers you just say no thank you.

As far as the inlaws over to your house, you cannot give out a "everyone is welcome" and then silently stew. You are sending out mixed signals.

When your sister asks if the inlaws can join at your home, you tell her no, I prefer it to be just us.

She will get mad and maybe she will boycott your dinner plans but you have to allow people to go and do what they want.

You cannot control everything and I see that is where you have difficulty. You are like your family in that YOU also want everyone together.

Well sometimes you have to let that ship sail in order to do some tweaking.

No I don't want everyone together. I previously stated that everyone should do what they have to do. My sister takes offense if we don't want to be with her inlaws or her cats (she takes it personally, she acts like they are her children).
She always asks "my inlaws invited you for Easter", when I decline it's "20 questions", where am I going, who else is going? etc.

I don't want to control anything. I want to be left alone. If I can't do something, that should be it, but its not....so I try to come up with alternate plans that work for everyone....my sister and mom on the other hand come up with stupid ideas (allergy people sit in the car til dinner and then go home) and expect me to go along with it.

My sister asked ME if her inlaws could come to my home Christmas Eve(because they were alone), I have no problem with that. I do have a problem spending the whole holiday with them. I only offered everyone at my house Christmas Day because I felt bad about not being able to go to sisters home ....not something I am willing to do every year. In hindsight I should have not made the offer, but again I felt bad, and at that point I didn't know my sister was excited to cook (remember she never invites us for dinner thoughout the year).

I have no problem not seeing my sister on Christmas day, she has other obligations, it seems she has the problem not seeing me or the rest of the family(remember not just my hubby is allergic). I have a feeling she doesn't want to be with her inlaws either, but thats her problem, just like my inlaws are my problem. My sister never hangs with my inlaws, nor do I make her.

My mom is stuck in the middle.

 

[tlbwriter]

How do I tell her tactfully that I don't want to spend holidays with her inlaws?

Tell her that since she has a house now, and can host a dinner, that you want to go back to having a smaller, family-only Christmas eve at your house. And if she insists they're family, point out that they are her family, but not yours. And since she can host them for Christmas now, there's no reason to bring them to your house on Christmas eve.

My sister bugs me about going to her inlaws on Thanksgiving and Easter every year, I always decline(thank god I always have plans) but it is annoying to be questioned all the time. How to I get her to stop?

"No thanks. We prefer to spend those holidays as a family." Every time.

 

[disneystacy]

I agree. I think that since your DH gave the cleaned cat house a try (and was still sick), it's perfectly acceptable for you to pass on Christmas dinner at your sister's house. You need to do what is best for your husband. BUT ... you are contributing to the drama by trying to usurp Christmas dinner back from your sister to host it yourself. You are making people in your family choose between the two of you and it won't end well. Someone's feelings will be hurt over a drama that could be easily avoided and your deadline of Thanksgiving is sure to ruin that holiday too!

Invite everyone to Christmas Eve. Invite the BIL's family if you think you can deal with them for the evening. If you really dislike them then don't (although I think you should in the spirit of the season). Then have Christmas dinner alone. Don't invite anyone else including your parents. It's not fair to them and it's not fair to your sister.

Good luck working things out!

I guess I am not getting it across well, that my sister and my mom want everyone in our family together for both days, which is why I offered to do both meals at my house or go out to eat or let my sister cook at my house.

I , on the other hand, am fine with it just being my hubby and kids for Christmas dinner.

Its hard not to invite my parents and brother for dinner, since they stay with me in my home.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

No I don't want everyone together. I previously stated that everyone should do what they have to do. My sister takes offense if we don't want to be with her inlaws or her cats (she takes it personally, she acts like they are her children).
She always asks "my inlaws invited you for Easter", when I decline it's "20 questions", where am I going, who else is going? etc.

I don't want to control anything. I want to be left alone. If I can't do something, that should be it, but its not....so I try to come up with alternate plans that work for everyone....my sister and mom on the other hand come up with stupid ideas (allergy people sit in the car til dinner and then go home) and expect me to go along with it.

My sister asked ME if her inlaws could come to my home Christmas Eve(because they were alone), I have no problem with that. I do have a problem spending the whole holiday with them. I only offered everyone at my house Christmas Day because I felt bad about not being able to go to sisters home ....not something I am willing to do every year. In hindsight I should have not made the offer, but again I felt bad, and at that point I didn't know my sister was excited to cook (remember she never invites us for dinner thoughout the year).

I have no problem not seeing my sister on Christmas day, she has other obligations, it seems she has the problem not seeing me or the rest of the family(remember not just my hubby is allergic). I have a feeling she doesn't want to be with her inlaws either, but thats her problem, just like my inlaws are my problem. My sister never hangs with my inlaws, nor do I make her.

My mom is stuck in the middle.

You are not seeing that you ARE trying to control things. I can't say it any plainer. This is why you are having problems. See bolded.

You have to let it go and not "come up with alternatives". That is where you are being labeled the "control person" and getting into hot water with the family.

Stop coming up with alternatives and allow people to make their own plans and decisions.

All you need to do is say, I am hosting on C. Eve and we are declining C. Day at sister's house....the end.

Allow your family the freedom to figure things out on their own.

It will be rough at first but it will fall into place. Good Luck!

 

[tlbwriter]

You are not seeing that you ARE trying to control things. I can't say it any plainer. This is why you are having problems. See bolded.

You have to let it go and not "come up with alternatives". That is where you are being labeled the "control person" and getting into hot water with the family.

I think it's just the opposite - she's having problems because she's trying to make everybody happy. Her sister and mother want the entire family together on Christmas day, and that's why she's offering her house. Not because *she* wants control of that day.

OP, here's another suggestion - since family members are spending the night at your house, what if you hosted a Christmas breakfast or brunch for everyone, and then the non-allergic people could go to your sister's house for dinner?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think it's just the opposite - she's having problems because she's trying to make everybody happy. Her sister and mother want the entire family together on Christmas day, and that's why she's offering her house. Not because *she* wants control of that day.

OP, here's another suggestion - since family members are spending the night at your house, what if you hosted a Christmas breakfast or brunch for everyone, and then the non-allergic people could go to your sister's house for dinner?

Whether it is to make them happy (which I can see as part it for sure) or control the family, does not matter.

OP needs to learn how to "back out". This is the thing that she is lacking in her arsenal with dealing with her family. Which as I look back that is pretty much what her original question is here.

I hope that makes sense in what I am trying to get across.

 

[tlbwriter]

Whether it is to make them happy (which I can see as part it for sure) or control the family, as she seems to be the one that they put the heavy on, does not matter.

OP needs to learn how to "back out". This is the thing that she is lacking in her arsenal with dealing with her family.

I agree. I just think there's a big difference between trying to make everyone happy and trying to make everyone do what you want (the control thing). But you're right, the answer for either is to back off and let them figure it out themselves.

 

[shortbun]

The thing that confuses me is your statement that you don't want both events to be your responsibility. What is your other option if you can't go to your sisters due to allergies? I say you get really gracious and convince your sister that she could co-host at your house for one of the events and bring her whole family. it's Christmas, why do people get left out for being boring?

 

[robinb]

I guess I am not getting it across well, that my sister and my mom want everyone in our family together for both days, which is why I offered to do both meals at my house or go out to eat or let my sister cook at my house.

I , on the other hand, am fine with it just being my hubby and kids for Christmas dinner.

Its hard not to invite my parents and brother for dinner, since they stay with me in my home.

Thank you for making things clearer. There is a lot going on and it was hard for me to follow.