Children of adoption - Ever meet your birth parents?

[TheRatPack]

We have 3 adopted children, siblings/half siblings and we know there is atleast 1 other half sibling out there. We have pictures of their parents, and a letter from one of their dads.....I know they'll appreciate that when they are older. I don't know if they'll want to meet their mother one day, their father's are no longer in the US. Either way I'll support their decision and stand by them as they meet her if needed.

 

[mominwestlake]

My birth mother located me 3 years ago. She had given me up against her will in the 1960s and wanted to check that I had a good life. She later married my birthfather, had another daughter, and then divorced him. She and my birth sister lived less than an hour from me for most of my life and then only 5 years ago moved across the country. We met and visited back and forth several times. Her entire family came for thanksgiving one year and even my child's First Communion. Birth mom's new husband even wanted to move back to my area so he could have grandkids. Long story short, it was very complicated and both of us had expectations that the other couldn't meet. She no longer wants any communication with me and that is very hurtful. My kids wonder what happened to her. I am happy I got the medical history but am said to be given up again.

 

[Hyonlyf]

mominwestlake, what a sad story. That is such a poignant statement, "given up again", how true.

I feel like asking my BM, what is wrong with me that you'd not want to know me? My children? It is such a hurtful feeling of rejection. I do not want a relationship, I had a mom, but I'd like to be able to ask medical questions, see other family members that look like me, and various other "things'.

She gave up a son the year after me and I am trying to locate him, I have a birthdate, but no luck yet

 

[mominwestlake]

The rejection now is much worse than the rejection then. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I think the adoptions of the 1969s and especially Catholic Charities were very screwed up. I hope adoptions today aren't like they were then. I am not an advocate of adoption and I am not an advocate of searching either.

 

[C.Ann]

In the fall, it will be 60 years ago I was given up for adoption.. When I was around 13, I was going through a wicked "Trixie Belden/Nancy Drew" phase - for some reason suspected I was adopted - and set out to solve the mystery.. Took me two years of digging and piecing things together before I finally discovered that I was definitely adopted and exactly who my birth parents were..

Turned out that my birth mother was my adoptive mother's youngest sister - a woman I had thought was my aunt - and my birth father was my birth mother's first husband (who she divorced before he even knew she was pregnant with me).. Of course that meant that I also had siblings that I had previously thought were my cousins (a full blooded older sister - as well as a younger half-brother and younger half-sister)..

I was furious with my adoptive parents when I learned the truth.. I felt like I had been lied to all of my life - and I wasn't too thrilled with my birth mother either.. (Birth father was out of the picture - a gambler and alcoholic living in another town..) I was a hurt and confused teenager - and I put everyone through the tortures of you-know-what for several years after that.. I became extremely rebellious and purposely did things that I knew would be upsetting and hurtful to all of them..

Then I got married - and had my first child.. As soon as they laid him in my arms it was like a light bulb suddenly clicked on in my head! Just one look at his tiny, precious, beautiful face and I immediately knew that my birth mother had to have had a very good reason to give me up - and my adoptive parents had to have a very good reason to hide that information from me..

I made peace with my bio mother and had a good relationship with her until she died suddenly at the age of 62.. I can't honestly say that I ever really thought of her as my "mother" though - mainly because she had been my "aunt" for too many years..

I also made peace with my parents - vowing to spend the rest of my life making up for the heartache I had put them trhough during my rebellious years..

When I was 16, I "met" my bio father - but he didn't know that he "met" me.. It was at his mother's wake (she died suddenly after being struck by a car) - and I was introduced as a "friend" of my older biological sister.. I had no desire to have any kind of relationship with him and as far as I know, he never did learn that he had another daughter besides my sister.. Years later he died of a stroke - 3 months after my bio mother passed away..

I have two regrets.. One that my parents hadn't told me the truth - right from the very beginning - as a toddler.. Somehow I think that would have made it easier for me to accept.. And the other regret I have is that I treated everyone so badly when I learned the truth.. That's not the type of thing a child should learn in their early teens - at a time when they're so insecure and emotional already, even a zit is considered "the end of the world"..

Had my parents made the decision to tell me from a very, very young age, I'm sure the outcome would have been much, much better - and it would have spared us all a lot of unnecessary heartache..

Based on my own experience, I don't think it is ever in the best interests of a child to keep them in the dark in regards to adoption.. Secrets always have a way of coming out - sooner or later - and if it happens to come out at the wrong time, it could very well cause damage to relationships that might never, ever be repaired..

 

[angwill]

My birth mother located me 3 years ago. She had given me up against her will in the 1960s and wanted to check that I had a good life. She later married my birthfather, had another daughter, and then divorced him. She and my birth sister lived less than an hour from me for most of my life and then only 5 years ago moved across the country. We met and visited back and forth several times. Her entire family came for thanksgiving one year and even my child's First Communion. Birth mom's new husband even wanted to move back to my area so he could have grandkids. Long story short, it was very complicated and both of us had expectations that the other couldn't meet. She no longer wants any communication with me and that is very hurtful. My kids wonder what happened to her. I am happy I got the medical history but am said to be given up again.

I am sorry your birth mother hurt you again that really stinks. If it makes you feel any better this type of rejection can happen to the child of a birth mother who raises them as well. Some people are just messed up in the head. It is not your fault and unfortunatly there is nothing you can do to change her.

This is a reminder to me to make sure I talk to my son about possible rejection by his birth parents should he someday decide to search for them. Not that it would make it easier but maybe he would be mentally prepared. I would be sure to be there for him so he knows he is loved no matter what.

 

[canadianjovigirl]

I just want to say thanks to all who have replied to this thread. I am the lucky adoptive mom of a 11 year old boy. We have answered his questions and tried to keep the communication lines open regarding his birth family,as much as we can (without adding all the horrible details if possible, did have to explain why he needed to go for Fetal Alcohol assessment). It does scare me a bit as he was not willingly given up, he was apprehended by the courts so i am worried that when/if the time comes for him to meet her or want to meet her that it could be ugly.....he does know that what ever he decides we will support his decision and help him as much as we can.

I guess my fear is that he has a horrible past with all of his birth family that he was shuffled around to the first 6 years of his life (before coming to us as a foster son) and it would be so much easier if birthmom had willingly given him up as a baby so that he could have the best life possible....hope to hear some stories of older kids that were adopted...

On that note.......bless the hearts of birthmoms who have given adoptive parents a great gift and bless the hearts of the adoptive kids who have made their way into our hearts as adoptive parents and brought us such joy.....

 

[Belle0101]

I am sorry your birth mother hurt you again that really stinks. If it makes you feel any better this type of rejection can happen to the child of a birth mother who raises them as well. Some people are just messed up in the head. It is not your fault and unfortunatly there is nothing you can do to change her.

This is a reminder to me to make sure I talk to my son about possible rejection by his birth parents should he someday decide to search for them. Not that it would make it easier but maybe he would be mentally prepared. I would be sure to be there for him so he knows he is loved no matter what.

I know you were responding to mominwestlake but I wanted to respond to the part of your reply I bolded. I'm 44 this year and my bio. mom rejected me 18 or so years ago. She wanted me out of her life. Truth be told, I don't think she ever really wanted me anyhow. Some of my earliest memories of childhood are her telling me how lucky I was to be with her because she could left me at an orphanage. (Kind of wish she would have.) She also told me she tried to commit suicide while pregnant.

Anyhow, not to take over the thread but to those who made the hard choice to give up your babies and to those who adopted and gave them a childhood, thank-you!

I'm sorry that finding some of the bio. parents was not always a warm and fuzzy story.

 

[Inigo]

Can I ask a favor?

Could it be said "placed for adoption" instead of "given up for adoption"? I think the phrasing in this situation is more appropriate, since it is such a sensitive topic.

I wish families would not hide adoption like it's some dirty little secret to be ashamed of. It's not. I think it's probably one of the most selfless acts of love possible. To give the child an opportunity that the biological parents feel they can not give the baby, for whatever reason.

I have cousins who are adopted, as well as a couple close friends who are adopted. Those cousins are my cousins. Biology has nothing to do it with who they are in the family. Jenny and Lizzie will always be my cousins, no matter what. Blood doesn't make families, love makes families. If it weren't for adoption, my family would not have the ultimate joy of having some wonderful people in our lives.

Yes, it's good to know health history, and I would encourage all biological parents to provide that information.

JMO

 

[honugirl]

I'm really torn. I really don't want/need another family and I'm sure my birth parents have their own lives by now. But there's more and more anecdotal evidence that my disease could be genetic and unfortunately, it kills if you don't get proper treatment and it's very hard to diagnose. It would have been really helpful to have an updated health history when I started my journey. I'm also carrying the burden of trying to decide if I should send a letter to them or not informing them of my health issues.

I'm not angry at them. They did what they thought was best for me. I have awesome parents. I have a great extended family. For the most part, I've had a pretty good life.

Adoption is a great thing. I know my life would be vastly different if they hadn't given me up.

 

[MushyMushy]

Can I ask a favor?

Could it be said "placed for adoption" instead of "given up for adoption"? I think the phrasing in this situation is more appropriate, since it is such a sensitive topic.

I wish families would not hide adoption like it's some dirty little secret to be ashamed of. It's not. I think it's probably one of the most selfless acts of love possible. To give the child an opportunity that the biological parents feel they can not give the baby, for whatever reason.

I have cousins who are adopted, as well as a couple close friends who are adopted. Those cousins are my cousins. Biology has nothing to do it with who they are in the family. Jenny and Lizzie will always be my cousins, no matter what. Blood doesn't make families, love makes families. If it weren't for adoption, my family would not have the ultimate joy of having some wonderful people in our lives.

Yes, it's good to know health history, and I would encourage all biological parents to provide that information.

JMO

I'm not saying this to be snarky or in an angry way, but don't you think that adoptees can call it whatever they want to call it if the terminology is comfortable to them?

I was not placed. I was given up. I know this, and I'm not going to pretty it up and make it something it wasn't.

I get a little sensitive on the subject of people telling me what I should or shouldn't say about something that happened to me; something that has defined my entire life.

 

[aprilgail2]

I'm not saying this to be snarky or in an angry way, but don't you think that adoptees can call it whatever they want to call it if the terminology is comfortable to them?

I was not placed. I was given up. I know this, and I'm not going to pretty it up and make it something it wasn't.

I get a little sensitive on the subject of people telling me what I should or shouldn't say about something that happened to me; something that has defined my entire life.

 

[mominwestlake]

Perhaps the terminology has to do with the situation. My birthmom had to give me up. She was 16 and her parents gave her no other choice. I think the secrecy was terrible back then. Birthmom had to give birth to me in secret- although in reality everyone knew. She was never allowed to talk about it again and she never did. She spent 30 some years trying to forget about me. I think that is why it is so easy for her now to shut me out of her life. My adoptive parents did tell me that I was adopted at a young age but I was not allowed to tell anyone else. I was always "passed off" as their child down to explaining I got my curls from mom, eyes from grandpa, etc. No one knew I was adopted in my life and relatives played right along.

 

[islandmum]

It was hard finding out that she kept 8 kids, but gave me up! But I later found out that it was definitely for the best for me.

same here - my paperwork was sketchy and obviously only up to date of my birth but I knew I had a brother and sister, kept by birth mothers parents, and then me.

Out of pure curiosity I found them - birth parents married after my adoption and had 2 more kids, so I'm the middle of 5 and the only one adopted ......

in other words I'm the lucky one!!!

I love my parents (who have raised me and loved me), and I feel nothing really towards the birth set but I am courteous, I send christmas cards, she calls every couple of months ago, but we really have nothing to say - our lives have been very different. I was adopted into a privileged family and have had a life full of travel, experiences etc etc, nothing like them.

It was weird to meet people who looked exactly like me and see where I got my physical attributes from.

And a big plus - it totally cemented and reinforced the love for my parents, the difference between their parenting of me and the parenting of the birth set is vast!

 

[islandmum]

I get a little sensitive on the subject of people telling me what I should or shouldn't say about something that happened to me; something that has defined my entire life.

I call my birth set my "incubator" and "sperm donor".

Pretty much anyone can reproduce - but not everyone can be a parent.

I was "given up", the birth and subsequent adoption was hidden from the birth sets family and friends until I entered the scene some 22 years later and they had to tell everyone .... they all welcomed me with open arms which was very generous, but the fact is they aren't responsible parents, never were, and she should have kept her legs shut.

I find the most bizarre thing is those people who've had a loving childhood and life with their parents then finding their birth set and calling them mum and dad and transfering love to them ..... I have one set of parents, the ones who loved, raised, nurtured and protected me from the day they got me.

I've always known I was adopted, so did everyone around us and with 2 siblings born naturally after me it was obvious seeing our physical differences anyway.

 

[islandmum]

I just want to say thanks to all who have replied to this thread. I am the lucky adoptive mom of a 11 year old boy. We have answered his questions and tried to keep the communication lines open regarding his birth family,as much as we can (without adding all the horrible details if possible, did have to explain why he needed to go for Fetal Alcohol assessment). It does scare me a bit as he was not willingly given up, he was apprehended by the courts so i am worried that when/if the time comes for him to meet her or want to meet her that it could be ugly.....he does know that what ever he decides we will support his decision and help him as much as we can.

I guess my fear is that he has a horrible past with all of his birth family that he was shuffled around to the first 6 years of his life (before coming to us as a foster son) and it would be so much easier if birthmom had willingly given him up as a baby so that he could have the best life possible....hope to hear some stories of older kids that were adopted...

On that note.......bless the hearts of birthmoms who have given adoptive parents a great gift and bless the hearts of the adoptive kids who have made their way into our hearts as adoptive parents and brought us such joy.....

its ironic that that adoptince child (like me) thinks the adoption is all about us - but the adoptive parents have massive views and feelings too which I never fully apreciated until I started my search.

My parents were so generous when I asked if I could search with their blessings (even though they later admitted they were terrified), they welcomed my birth set with open arms, they met them a few times (even invited them to my wedding!) and always have great affection for them and asked me to be gentle with them as their view is ..... without the birth set they wouldnt have got me.

so a different view which I learnt later on and helped me be less selfish about it all.

 

[ZachnElli]

Some of you are making me nervous for my son! He is his birthmom's 3rd child and the only one placed for adoption. He was the product of an affair (birthmom still married and her dh didn't know), so that makes more sense in a way. But that will be hard to explain to him until he's old enough to understand, he's only 4 now.

I have a very dear sister in law who is adopted and chose to find her birthparents when she was 25 and after the birth of her first child. It worked out between her and her birthmom. Her birthmom was only 16 and sent to live with an aunt until she gave birth. Her parents made her give up her baby as that is what was done back then. When she finally made contact with her, her birthmom said she had been waiting everyday for that phone call. Her birthmom married a man who couldn't have children and they ended up adopting 2 children. So she has biologically adopted siblings!
As for her birthfather, he still denies he's the father. I know it hurt her, him not wanting anything to do with her. She acts like it doesn't, but I can tell it does. She knows he has children and she really wanted to know about siblings, but she is respecting his wishes. Her birthfather's sister found out about her and she emails her occassionally. Her adoptive parents are still very much "mom and dad" and her birthmom is "Jane" (not her real first name). And she does talk to and email her birthmom regularly. They even went to WDW together in 2007.