Children left in cars

[tammymacb]

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/02/27/AR2009022701549.html

I read this article a while back and it haunted me.

There but by the grace of God goes I.....

 

[Hannathy]

The part that gets me in all this is the "experts" advise putting your purse or briefcase in the back seat so you'll have to get back there and won't accidently "forget" about the baby in the car. How the heck could you remember something minor like a purse or briefcase but forget the most important thing in the world: the child? I'd be a bazillion times more likely to forget a bag than I would a child.

EXACTLY! Sure says something about what is more important in their lives if they can remember their briefcase but not their baby. (or the donuts)

 

[tammymacb]

weird double post lost in cyber space. sorry.

 

[Imzadi]

I think the basis of the argument is how can you forget your child for SEVERAL hours?!?! One or two I can understand if you are preoccupied, but four or SEVEN??? The child does NOT cross your mind for seven hours and needs to be found by someone else?

How can a mother, as in the OP story, not remember TWICE, that she didn't put her child to bed, to be able to say, "The child is sleeping."

How could, in the other example a PP posted, that teacher leave her child in her car for SEVEN hours, not think of it once??? Not get an inkling, that something is off, for seven hours?

I saw her story on Oprah, how she was wailing away at the police station. She could just have been a more convincing Susan Smith.

And no, I do NOT think ALL these cases are perfect murders. But, one or two people, who just did not want their infant anymore, could just wait till the perfect hot day in summer, and bake their child to death and wail convincingly about it after. Meryl Streep is not the only one who can cry on cue. Murder ONE is premeditated murder.

The part that gets me in all this is the "experts" advise putting your purse or briefcase in the back seat so you'll have to get back there and won't accidently "forget" about the baby in the car. How the heck could you remember something minor like a purse or briefcase but forget the most important thing in the world: the child? I'd be a bazillion times more likely to forget a bag than I would a child.

Then my child would be toast. Whenever I can, I purposely leave my bag in the car, when possible, as I know I will be carrying packages back out with me, from the store.

 

[AmazingGrace]

unfortunately, it's easy to do. I was supposed to take my dd to the neighbor's one time and then go to the doctor. It was a change in my and dd's schedule. It was a rushed morning. I get in the car, strap dd in and away we go. i pull up at the clinic and there's dd in the back seat. I had forgotten to take her to the neighbor's. Thankfully, I looked in the back seat, but what if I was running five minutes later or was distracted by something else? That was a real wake up call and no metter what I never left the van again without looking at the carseat.
A common component in the tragedies seems to be a change in the routine. mom takes child instead of dad. Dad is running late. Mom stops on an errand. I think it's a tragic consequence of the busy-ness we all face.

 

[jodifla]

I think the basis of the argument is how can you forget your child for SEVERAL hours?!?! One or two I can understand if you are preoccupied, but four or SEVEN??? The child does NOT cross your mind for seven hours and needs to be found by someone else?

How can a mother, as in the OP story, not remember TWICE, that she didn't put her child to bed, to be able to say, "The child is sleeping."

How could, in the other example a PP posted, that teacher leave her child in her car for SEVEN hours, not think of it once??? Not get an inkling, that something is off, for seven hours?

I saw her story on Oprah, how she was wailing away at the police station. She could just have been a more convincing Susan Smith.

And no, I do NOT think ALL these cases are perfect murders. But, one or two people, who just did not want their infant anymore, could just wait till the perfect hot day in summer, and bake their child to death and wail convincingly about it after. Meryl Streep is not the only one who can cry on cue. Murder ONE is premeditated murder.





Then my child would be toast. Whenever I can, I purposely leave my bag in the car, when possible, as I know I will be carrying packages back out with me, from the store.

If you read the Washington Post article, you'll find that people thought that the child was where they were supposed to be...at the daycare, normally. The routine was DIFFERENT and they never realized they had the child in the car. They put them in, and in the hour that it takes to get to their destination, with a completely silent child in the car, they forget.

Here are quotes from David Diamond, a professor of molecular physiology at the University of South Florida a

"Memory is a machine," he says, "and it is not flawless. Our conscious mind prioritizes things by importance, but on a cellular level, our memory does not. If you're capable of forgetting your cellphone, you are potentially capable of forgetting your child."

"The quality of prior parental care seems to be irrelevant," he said. "The important factors that keep showing up involve a combination of stress, emotion, lack of sleep and change in routine, where the basal ganglia is trying to do what it's supposed to do, and the conscious mind is too weakened to resist. What happens is that the memory circuits in a vulnerable hippocampus literally get overwritten, like with a computer program. Unless the memory circuit is rebooted -- such as if the child cries, or, you know, if the wife mentions the child in the back -- it can entirely disappear."

 

[jodifla]

The part that gets me in all this is the "experts" advise putting your purse or briefcase in the back seat so you'll have to get back there and won't accidently "forget" about the baby in the car. How the heck could you remember something minor like a purse or briefcase but forget the most important thing in the world: the child? I'd be a bazillion times more likely to forget a bag than I would a child.

Uh, it's not because it's more important. Really, that's what you think? It's because your memory is hard-wired to look for the purse or briefcase. You will do it automatically, because you have done it so many times that it's automatic.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

That Washington Post article broke my heart, I felt so awful for those parents.

I am the sort of person who could totally see myself doing this. I very easily slip into autopilot when I'm in a car. I haven't done this, but I've done the opposite many times. I've gotten off work and driven to my child's school, only to realilze that it's summer and he's at camp. Or I'll drive past my weekend job to my mom's house on a weekend (she sometimes watches DS if I work on Saturday), without registering that he spent the night at a friend's house and isn't even my car. I can even be thinking about how nice it is that he got to be with such and such friend, or wondering if my mom's having a good time on her trip to Timbuktu while I drive to her house to drop my child, who isn't in my car, off with my mom, who isn't in the country.

DS is 11 so of course if I did do this he'd just get out of the car, but it still haunts me to know how easy it would have been for me to lose him in this manner.

As far as "what if they forgot him in the park?", that would never have happened, because at the park I'd be focused on him to begin with, rather than on staying in the right lane, looking out for pedestrians etc . . . Also I don't have a routine for the park that doesn't include him. I don't make it a habit to go to the playground by myself.

 

[OhhBother]

I read the Washington Post article some time ago. It's one of the most compelling things I've ever read.

Every time I "zone out" on the highway and don't remember driving the past few minutes, I think of that article. I realize how easy it would be for a tragedy to happen.

 

[Kailani6]

I had a similar incident happen to me but in reverse.
My DD was 5 at the time, I had dropped her off at her Daisy troop meeting and went to my brother's house to help him with some bookkeeping. I was stressed out trying to get it all done quickly and then I swear I heard my DD yell "Mommy!" and so I got up to see where she was. My grandparents, my mom and my mom's foster children were all there, no one could tell me where she was. My brother lives on a lake, I ran frantically around the property line screaming her name. One of my mom's foster children who was four at the time kept trying to get my attention and I kept telling him to be queit because I was listening for her to return my screams and finally he yells "she is at Daisy's!"
I broke down in tears and it took quite some time to settle myself. I had completely forgotten that I had dropped her off only a half hour earlier.
I was relieved but also shocked that I could forget something like that. I can see how a parent might forget especially if they are under stress. But I could also see how it would be an easy way out for some crazed lunatic that happens to be a parent and wants to get rid of their children. It is scary and I can't imagine the suffering that these children go through dying in a hot or cold car

 

[Elmo9607]

I can't believe some of the things I have seen here. Especially the Washington Post article! Just terrible

And really, if people who are capable of forgetting a cell phone are also capable of forgetting a child, then wouldn't it be justifiable to say that since lots of people (myself included) forget cell phones often, that nobody should be able to have children, lest they forget them and remembering them would require some cue from the child itself (crying) or an outside influence (wife/husband reminding you child is in the backseat)?

Not trying to flame anyone here and not saying that people who do this don't have the right to have kids, because obviously people do and I know there are a lot more wonderful parents out there than bad ones, but I'm just trying to think along the same lines as the quotes.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

I can't believe some of the things I have seen here. Especially the Washington Post article! Just terrible

And really, if people who are capable of forgetting a cell phone are also capable of forgetting a child, then wouldn't it be justifiable to say that since lots of people (myself included) forget cell phones often, that nobody should be able to have children, lest they forget them and remembering them would require some cue from the child itself (crying) or an outside influence (wife/husband reminding you child is in the backseat)?

Not trying to flame anyone here and not saying that people who do this don't have the right to have kids, because obviously people do and I know there are a lot more wonderful parents out there than bad ones, but I'm just trying to think along the same lines as the quotes.

First of all, to be clear, it isn't that parents are forgetting their child. They are forgetting to change their routines. The parents I've read about who have done this don't stop thinking about their child, they just assume that they know where their child is so they don't think about this. I love my child, I think about him constantly, but I don't think "gee I wonder where he is" because, well I know, right now, for example I know he's at hockey camp so I might think "I wonder if he made a goal" or "I hope he figures out how to order lunch" but I won't think "Gee, I wonder where he is". So a parent who thinks they've dropped off their child at daycare or Grandma's or that the other parent has them wherever won't think "I wonder where my child is?". I know that when I've done the opposite (driven to school to pick up my child who is at summer camp or Grandma's that day) I'm usually thinking of him the whole way. In fact, I'm usually worrying about him, it's just that what I'm worried about doesn't include the question of where he is, it's not a question that crosses my mind.

In that sense it's very much like losing your cell phone. Imagine that every day you come inside and put your cell in the exact same place on the hall table, but one day you're carrying groceries and juggling things and it ends up on the kitchen counter. Until you actually need it again you probably won't remember that it's there. You don't forget that you have a cell phone. If someone emailed you and said "what's your cell phone number" you'd probably give it to them, and still not think "I wonder where my cell phone is", you might tell your spouse "Call me when you get there" and still not think "where's my phone". If someone asked you where your cell was you'd say "it's on the hall table", and not even think twice.

I don't think that slipping out of routine is as common as leaving your cell phone, but it can happen and with tragic results. The problem I see here, is that families who recognize that this can happen, and make plans to avoid it, are judged, which might make other people less likely to take the same steps. We don't do the same thing with parents who take other safety precautions. If you know a family who has a pool and they lock the gate we don't think "Oh they must not love their child, because they think they might forget to watch them". If you know a family who puts their kids in carseats you don't think "Wow they must be really irresponsible if they're planning on having an accident". But if a family admits that they recognize the possiblity of this happening to them, and plans for it, say by putting a briefcase in the back seat, then people say "That's so sad that they love their briefcase more than their kid".

 

[luvmy3]

First of all, to be clear, it isn't that parents are forgetting their child. They are forgetting to change their routines. The parents I've read about who have done this don't stop thinking about their child, they just assume that they know where their child is so they don't think about this. I love my child, I think about him constantly, but I don't think "gee I wonder where he is" because, well I know, right now, for example I know he's at hockey camp so I might think "I wonder if he made a goal" or "I hope he figures out how to order lunch" but I won't think "Gee, I wonder where he is". So a parent who thinks they've dropped off their child at daycare or Grandma's or that the other parent has them wherever won't think "I wonder where my child is?". I know that when I've done the opposite (driven to school to pick up my child who is at summer camp or Grandma's that day) I'm usually thinking of him the whole way. In fact, I'm usually worrying about him, it's just that what I'm worried about doesn't include the question of where he is, it's not a question that crosses my mind.

In that sense it's very much like losing your cell phone. Imagine that every day you come inside and put your cell in the exact same place on the hall table, but one day you're carrying groceries and juggling things and it ends up on the kitchen counter. Until you actually need it again you probably won't remember that it's there. You don't forget that you have a cell phone. If someone emailed you and said "what's your cell phone number" you'd probably give it to them, and still not think "I wonder where my cell phone is", you might tell your spouse "Call me when you get there" and still not think "where's my phone". If someone asked you where your cell was you'd say "it's on the hall table", and not even think twice.

I don't think that slipping out of routine is as common as leaving your cell phone, but it can happen and with tragic results. The problem I see here, is that families who recognize that this can happen, and make plans to avoid it, are judged, which might make other people less likely to take the same steps. We don't do the same thing with parents who take other safety precautions. If you know a family who has a pool and they lock the gate we don't think "Oh they must not love their child, because they think they might forget to watch them". If you know a family who puts their kids in carseats you don't think "Wow they must be really irresponsible if they're planning on having an accident". But if a family admits that they recognize the possiblity of this happening to them, and plans for it, say by putting a briefcase in the back seat, then people say "That's so sad that they love their briefcase more than their kid".

What I think is sad is that people need to hard wire themselves to not forget their child in the car. If thats what you need to do in order to remember thats fine, but there are millions of people who don't need to, they are capable of remembering that they put their baby in the carseat and then put them in the back, without having to train themselves so that they don't forget when their routine changes, or they are stressed, overtired, etc.

 

[Ohiodislover]

So sad.

We had a similar case in our area a few years ago.

Again, a change of routine - the mom was a teacher (or maybe the principal? - IDK) of an elementary school, and it was the first day for all the faculty, also she didn't usually take the child to daycare - the dad usually did. Anyhow, the mom stopped and bought donuts for the faculty, then got to school, and left the baby in the car - for like 7 hours.

Very, very sad events.

I believe you are talking about the principal from the Cinci area. She is a very good friend of my aunts. It was an incredibly sad story. She was on Oprah a few years ago.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'm outta here.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

What I think is sad is that people need to hard wire themselves to not forget their child in the car. If thats what you need to do in order to remember thats fine, but there are millions of people who don't need to, they are capable of remembering that they put their baby in the carseat and then put them in the back, without having to train themselves so that they don't forget when their routine changes, or they are stressed, overtired, etc.

Unfortunately, the way you find out that that you're the kind of person who might forget is by forgetting. None of the people who do this thought they were going to do it.

Maybe you're lucky, like me, and the child you forget is 11 and you forget in the right circumstances, such as driving to school to pick up a child you left at Grandma's that day, or maybe you aren't.

Or maybe you're unlucky and the way you find out that it's possible for you to do this is by finding your child dead.

I can't get over the fact that parents who love their children enough to take an easy step to prevent something tragic are the ones who are judged.

 

[JoiseyMom]

What I think is sad is that people need to hard wire themselves to not forget their child in the car. If thats what you need to do in order to remember thats fine, but there are millions of people who don't need to, they are capable of remembering that they put their baby in the carseat and then put them in the back, without having to train themselves so that they don't forget when their routine changes, or they are stressed, overtired, etc.

Yes, until 1 of them becomes a statistic like those in the article!!!!!!!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

How tragic. My thoughts and prayers go to that family and others who have made horrible mistakes. I can't imagine any worse kind of guilt for a parent to experience. No way would I want to prosecute a parent for a mistake, especially one that occurs because of a change in routine. Of course the cases need to be investigated, but they will forever be tormented by the death of their child...there is no worse punishment.

TOTALLY different when a parent leaves a child in the car because they don't want to bring them shopping or because they want to go into a casino. That's criminal.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

What I think is sad is that people need to hard wire themselves to not forget their child in the car. If thats what you need to do in order to remember thats fine, but there are millions of people who don't need to, they are capable of remembering that they put their baby in the carseat and then put them in the back, without having to train themselves so that they don't forget when their routine changes, or they are stressed, overtired, etc.

Whatever works.

 

[goodeats]

That Washington Post article is the most heart wrenching thing I've ever read. I first read it several months ago when my daughter was still itty bitty, and it almost made me throw up. I do think it can happen to anyone, however I still think there needs to be some sort of punishment. I do know that if my husband made that horrific mistake I don't think we'd still be married. I can't even imagine what the families go through.