Child who gets very upset w/homework or studying

[believe]

I have struggled with helping my daughter with her homework in years past. Her crying and being negative has always been an issue during homework time. I have asked her if she needs a break and we will continue later, she never will take a break.
This year she is in 4th grade, which is the first time she will be given actual grades. She has a science test tomorrow so I told her to bring her book home and we would study. I tried to review the information with her but the entire time she is crying and saying how she don't get it, etc. When she says she don't get it I try using examples or explaining in another way.
Her Dad works evenings so him trying to help her isn't an option.

I am sure others have dealt with this and I am curious as to how you handled it.

 

[HERSEY]

My son used to get like this I make sure he has a snack first. Sometimes when he was really negative we would take a break and walk around with the dog for awhile. Then we could take about what was confusing him away from the homework. Sometimes he was just overwhelmed, they don't teach how to move to something else if one thing is confusing and coming back to it later. You might try cover the other questions with a piece of paper too, that also helped my son.

It does get better he is the 7th grade now and has learned the tricks.

 

[ZanneMarie]

I had a similar situation with my son. One thing I did was enlist help from his teacher. We had been in contact dealing with some issues with his learning disability when I finally got so frustrated with the whining, crying, dragging his feet and general non productiveness that I told his teacher what was up. It happened to be conferences in the next week and so we all sat down as a team: me, my DH, his main teacher my son and the resource room teacher and came up with a list of homework rules.

There were 5 total but the two most important were 1.) You must ask mom/dad for help with homework 2.) If you whine, cry, 'have attitude' while mom/dad is helping then mom/dad will no longer help with homework. Once we had those 'rules' in place I let it go. I would remind him to go get his homework but from there unless he asked for help I was out. No nagging, no sitting down with him (unless he asked). It became his problem not mine.

It worked remarkably well for him. I think there were only 1-2 times I had to bring out the list of the rules--in fact I can't even find them anymore-I was going to give you the whole list. And there were only a handful of times when late or incomplete homework affected his grade.

I think that this worked well for my DS because he really cared about getting his work done and doing it well but would become all caught up in the idea that he wasn't sure how to do it or that he did not especially like the subject and he would let that rule instead of just getting to work.

 

[believe]

The issue is she won't take a break or move on. Last year she would get so upset during homework that I had to walk away. I would go to my bedroom, close the door. She would yell and throw things. By morning the homework would be on my night stand completed. She has such negativity that it drives me crazy.

Tonight I walked away. She asked me to look at some papers from school, I did and found the study guide for her test that she hadn't shown me. I tried to walk her through the study guide and the entire crying and complaining started up again.

I am at the point that I am going to find a tutor. This is sad when you consider I have a degree in elementary education, but I do believe teaching your own is different that teaching someone elses. My youngest DD is not like this at all, thank goodness.

 

[Cool-Beans]

The issue is she won't take a break or move on. Last year she would get so upset during homework that I had to walk away. I would go to my bedroom, close the door. She would yell and throw things. By morning the homework would be on my night stand completed. She has such negativity that it drives me crazy.

OK, this will sound harsh, but here goes.

You have to be the adult. If you think she needs a break, you TELL her to take one. There is no "she won't" involved. It isn't her choice, it is yours.

You do not walk away because she is upset. You make her behave.

Your child isn't negative, she is spoiled. It is going to be a rough road, she's going to throw some fits, but you have to let her know YOU are in charge, not her. If you don't do this now, you will be absolutely miserable in 5 years.

Tonight I walked away. She asked me to look at some papers from school, I did and found the study guide for her test that she hadn't shown me. I tried to walk her through the study guide and the entire crying and complaining started up again.

I am at the point that I am going to find a tutor. This is sad when you consider I have a degree in elementary education, but I do believe teaching your own is different that teaching someone elses. My youngest DD is not like this at all, thank goodness.

Since you've been holding her hand for all these years, she has no idea how to do it on her own. And since she will be hating you for a while now that you are in control, try hiring a good student who is in high school to help teach her how to study on her own. A little help tutoring-wise would be fine, but make the emphasis on teaching her how to study.

That's my advice. Good luck, whatever you decide to do!!!

 

[sandy6879]

My DD has also had the crying fits with homework - generally with writing assignments. She is smart - she is in the gifted program and her grades are usually straight A's but she just breaks down with writing. Sometimes a break works, more often it's me trying to get her to tell me what she's trying to get out. I think sometimes they just get overwhelmed. Maybe contact the teacher and ask for assistance? She may see things in the classroom that you don't see at home and have other ways to deal with it. Good luck, it's really not easy to go through.

 

[chobie]

Both my kids were like that. My DD got back her first report card with grades in the 4th grade and was not happy. She committed herself to getting straight A's and I have never had a problem with her doing her homework since. My son, is now in 5th grade and just started doing the homework on his own with no complaining. Part of it is that his teacher said the the homework should take only an hour, and if they have been working diligently for an hour and have not finished, they should quit and if the parents send the note the will not be penalized. I think that just having the pressure taken off helped my son. That and maturity. It will get better. I personally don't think kids should get daily homework until 5th grade, but that is not how it is.


I don't think this is a behavior issue that can be improved with punishments/threats. I think its an emotionally maturity issue that will work itself out eventually. JMHO.

 

[poohlovermom]

I'm glad I'm not the only one with this problem. My daughter is in 3rd and the crying has just started.I'm working with her and tonight she seems alot better. We'll see.

 

[Froggyswife]

I had this problem when I was in school. The best way for me was to take a break. I know you said she refuses to take a break and I understand that too. She feels like she is failing (you have a worrier on your hands). Making her take a break is going to make it worse I think. What you need to do is when you see she is starting to get upset, ask her to do something for you for example "honey would you please walk the dog for me?" or something to that nature. THAT WAY she doesn't feel like YOU think she is a failure (which is why she refuses when you tell her to take a break). Or if you are helping her with her homework tell her YOU need a break and would she mind stoping for a little bit.

May not work all the time but I do know what your dd is going through. to both of you.

 

[believe]

For my DD walking away typically is the only way to get my point across. I think it is different for every child. This is what has worked for her. Otherwise you go round and round in circles. Making her take a break just makes matters worse, I've tried it. Once she does settle down we discuss what was or wasn't acceptable and why. She is having a difficult time understanding how her negativity impacts what she can accomplish.
I have not been hand holding her. I am typically on the same floor as she does her homework and only come when she ask. Tonight I was trying to explain how to study and it just overwhelmed her. She kept saying she doesn't get it. I would try another method...again she would cry she doesn't get it. We would try to walk through the study guide and she would just cry.
As for spoiled, she is spoiled in the context that things typically come easy for her so when something doesn't she struggles with the fear of failure. The only time we have these 'outburst' is typically during homework time or if she is trying to master something (back handspring) and is struggling with it. Otherwise it is easy sailing. Summer was great


I like the recommendation to come up with something for her to do to get her to take a break without her realizing it. I will have to try that one.

I am also thinking it is a maturity thing as another poster said.

I have sent an email to her teacher explaining the situation and asking for advice, guidance. I am praying she has seen something work that will also work with my daughter.

Thanks for all the recommendations and letting me know I'm not the only one going through this.

 

[Pooh93]

No, you are definitely not alone. My oldest dd, now in 6th grade goes through this. She gets overwhelmed and frustrated very easy. Taking a break only makes it worse. Last year was the worst and I can't tell you how many times I walked away and went to my bedroom and closed the door. She tells me she just doesn't "get it, like the other kids." It becomes a confidence problem. I have wracked my brain trying to figure out how to help her be more confident in what she's doing. I've told her, I'm not going to college with her. I keep trying to push things down to her, so that when she does well on her own and yes, she can do it, she'll see that she can succeed without her tired, old mom.

So far, this year, (it's only been a week,though) she does seem to be trying to keep herself under control a bit more. Of course, it is extremely early in the year, but I'm hoping as she matures, it will get better.

 

[maelstrom]

That sounds just like me, even to this day (I'm 21 and in college now, but this has been going on as long as I can remember). I have panic/anxiety disorder, depression, and ADD. Do you think it is possible that your child has one of these? I don't say that to be mean, but to be helpful. I wish someone would have brought up ADD when I was in elementary school or junior high, instead of waiting until I was an adult. I would bring up the issues with your child's pediatrician and see what s/he says. I'm on xanax, zoloft, and adderall now, and while it isn't a miracle fix, it helps out.

 

[JunieJay]

My son used to get like this I make sure he has a snack first. Sometimes when he was really negative we would take a break and walk around with the dog for awhile. Then we could take about what was confusing him away from the homework. Sometimes he was just overwhelmed, they don't teach how to move to something else if one thing is confusing and coming back to it later. You might try cover the other questions with a piece of paper too, that also helped my son.

It does get better he is the 7th grade now and has learned the tricks.

This is my son. He's one of those kids who needs his space and time to do things in his way. Frequent breaks are necessary, and his stomach must be full. We come home, get a snack and some time to relax and he starts his homework while I'm cooking dinner. He only rarely finishes before I'm done. We then resume again after dinner. He could never cope with doing the homework directly after school, its just information overload for him. So we take it slow. It gets better each year.

OP, best of luck to you and your DD (who I can't believe is in 4th grade, because I remember when she was in a stroller at WDW Boardwalk! ).

 

[JunieJay]

I had this problem when I was in school. The best way for me was to take a break. I know you said she refuses to take a break and I understand that too. She feels like she is failing (you have a worrier on your hands). Making her take a break is going to make it worse I think. What you need to do is when you see she is starting to get upset, ask her to do something for you for example "honey would you please walk the dog for me?" or something to that nature. THAT WAY she doesn't feel like YOU think she is a failure (which is why she refuses when you tell her to take a break). Or if you are helping her with her homework tell her YOU need a break and would she mind stoping for a little bit.

May not work all the time but I do know what your dd is going through. to both of you.

Brilliant.

 

[mamamary]

My DD (8) sometimes has meltdowns doing homework. She is a great student and always does well in school but when she comes home to do homework she sometimes cries and says "I don't understand or get it" but then she doesn't want you to explain it to her. She cried Monday night doing homework but quickly got over it. We were touch and go last night but everything worked out. I haven't found a solution about this myself. I know she does come home hungry so maybe we shouldn't rush right into homework - maybe she needs a little break first ??????

 

[Jennasis]

She sounds like she doesn't understand the material. A tutor may be able to help. Also your particular study methods (apparently several of them) don't seem to be working for her. A tutor will be able to find a method that works for her and ignor her whining/crying. As her mom I imagine that must be real hard for you to listen to. I would make sure you aren't there when she is being tutored.

I have a student like your daughter right now. However she IS quite spoiled. She is an only child and has a terrible terrible attitude. If something is even the least bit hard I get the pouty face, the water works or the folded arm refusal to comply. I just found out her parents have split up so I'm thinking a big part of her tude is due to the at home stress. So I'm brining in a second instructor to work one on one with her for a while. I think it'll work.