Child Support - opinions please!

[jenks0718]

Oh what a topic! Let me tell you how my husband has got taken through the mud on his support. His ex girlfriend went in for an increase in support due to the fact that she wanted my sds in an after school program. She also wanted my dh to put my sds on his medical and dental so he had two insurance policies (she covers him as well) so she doesnt have to pay any co pays or co insurance balances. My dh tells the judge that we have two children and as well and also do ALOT for my sds aside from the support. They didnt care and put his support up by 125 more a week. One month after the increase became effective she took my sds out of after school care and pocketed the extra money. We just got a notice from our insurance provider that indicates now that we are my sds primary insurance as his other insurance has been cancelled. So now she doesnt have to pay for after school care and no longer has to pay her premium through her job for the health insurance either. Why dont we take her back to court? Simple. We dont want to stir the pot either. And my dh is SO TIRED of using all his personal days for court court court. Its sickening. One thing that REALLY bothers me is that the court only seems to be worried about the child who is within the court system. Never do they take into consideration our two children that need to be cared for as well. If they take most of his pay for sds how are we supposed to care for our children together? Sure I am the mom and I should provide. BUT it should be fair for me too. He should assist with the financial responsibility of our kids as well. It just sucks and I hate it. I used to be upset when my dh still bought clothes and sneakers for my sds when he came over because I knew how much his mom was getting, but now I just see what a wonderful Dad he is. SDS mom may never tell him that, but my step son will understand when he is older.

Also, about stirring the pot. Its true. The one time we went to court my dh told the judge I will take the increase, but I want my son more. Know what? We get him for a month in the summer now, more holidays, and instead of every other week it is three weekends a month. She wasnt happy, but the judge was fair.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Oh what a topic! Let me tell you how my husband has got taken through the mud on his support. His ex girlfriend went in for an increase in support due to the fact that she wanted my sds in an after school program. She also wanted my dh to put my sds on his medical and dental so he had two insurance policies (she covers him as well) so she doesnt have to pay any co pays or co insurance balances. My dh tells the judge that we have two children and as well and also do ALOT for my sds aside from the support. They didnt care and put his support up by 125 more a week. One month after the increase became effective she took my sds out of after school care and pocketed the extra money. We just got a notice from our insurance provider that indicates now that we are my sds primary insurance as his other insurance has been cancelled. So now she doesnt have to pay for after school care and no longer has to pay her premium through her job for the health insurance either. Why dont we take her back to court? Simple. We dont want to stir the pot either. And my dh is SO TIRED of using all his personal days for court court court. Its sickening. One thing that REALLY bothers me is that the court only seems to be worried about the child who is within the court system. Never do they take into consideration our two children that need to be cared for as well. If they take most of his pay for sds how are we supposed to care for our children together? Sure I am the mom and I should provide. BUT it should be fair for me too. He should assist with the financial responsibility of our kids as well. It just sucks and I hate it. I used to be upset when my dh still bought clothes and sneakers for my sds when he came over because I knew how much his mom was getting, but now I just see what a wonderful Dad he is. SDS mom may never tell him that, but my step son will understand when he is older.

Also, about stirring the pot. Its true. The one time we went to court my dh told the judge I will take the increase, but I want my son more. Know what? We get him for a month in the summer now, more holidays, and instead of every other week it is three weekends a month. She wasnt happy, but the judge was fair.

I see a few things here

1) Your DH is a great dad. If you are ever divorced, and I hope that does not happen, you know he will be a good dad to your two kids too.

2) You married a man that already had a kid, so you knew that he had obligations already. Right or wrong his son was there first and needs a certain amount for his care.

3) I would make an issue over the after school program and health insurance to let her know you are not going to be played with. Didn't you have a provision in for this senario happening?

 

[kami2199]

but...kimi...I don't know you, so I may be off base...but why does it sound to me like you (and not your "friend") is the second wife?

Maybe because I seem to know alot about the situation I don't know? I am not the second wife...I don't know why you would read into it that way?

The reason I know so much is because we were all friends and worked together until the divorce. When I do talk to her - it starts as catching up, then she wants to focus on what awful thing her ex did this time. For instance, when she was inviting us to the birthday party for her child, she told me that her ex isn't paying for any of it. That she just came home with her school supplies (he didn't even buy her cute pens and pencils only the basic blue/black pens) and some clothes that the evil step mom had just bought at garage sales. When I asked what was wrong with them as I shop at garage sales, she said they were all name brand but she just couldn't stand the thought of putting her child in used clothes.

Trying to make a joke of things...I said did he wrap all of those up and give them to her as presents? She said, no, then admitted that she also got new clothes.

Anyway, back to the question at hand...I guess I really just wondered what everyone thought of the second job, child support issue. I guess if it's the law then it's the law. I just think she is doing it to punish him because like I said before, I think she is bitter that he is happy.

 

[Kay7979]

He's working a second job to get ahead, and while technically his additional income might be subject to inclusion in the support award, the normal reaction of most anyone would be to give up the second job if the ex decides to go after the income. So, she's not likely to get anything extra, and she is very likely to get him mad enough that he stops providing the "extras" he currently supplies. IMO if she is jealous of him getting ahead and wants more money SHE should go get a second job. Nothing's stopping her from doing the same thing he is.

 

[bettyann29]

oh what a topic.. I personally feel that with him paying the extras he is going above and beyond what he is obligated to pay.. I also agree that if she persues it, she can end up with less in the longrun.. depending on how much he is paying for those extras.. I know I get minimal CS from my ex and nothing more.. he pays for nothing above and beyond the cs and he doesnt feel he should have to.. he thinks that measly money pays for everything they need and has on occasion told the kids to see me if they need something as I have all the money.. yeah right.. Me and DF are labeled "rich" because we go to DisneyWorld and go on cruises every year and take my 3 and his 2 children.. its more like we work for the money to do that..

Technically, yes she can take him back to court and have them reevaluate to see if he pays more.. and if she gets it the child will be the one to suffer.. because I could see where he would say "then I'm not buying any of those extras" and whose to say that even though she will get more money that she will get those things for that child.. and therefore the child suffers... Now if she takes that money and does those things for the child then who is to say its wrong..

 

[Shugardrawers]

but...kimi...I don't know you, so I may be off base...but why does it sound to me like you (and not your "friend") is the second wife?

I'm not sure what difference that would make? A lot of people come here asking for advice for their "friends". Whether it's actually her or really a friend, the advice I'd give wouldn't be any different.

We go through this all the time with Dh's DD. Until she's 21 (yes folks, I said 21) we have to pay 16% of Dh's income. His ex has fought us tooth and nail to make that include my income as well as his but the court has always turned her down.

If the father has been ordered to pay a percentage like my Dh has, then it doesn't matter if he has 1 job or 10, he's got to pay that from every job. If however, he's been ordered to pay a flat amount, say $600 per month, she could go to court to have it increased but a court isn't real likely to do that based on income that isn't meant to be permanent (2nd job, overtime projects, etc). Especially if he's very generous in other areas.

In our case, we bought all sorts of clothes, paid for activities, you name it. It never seemed to be enough though. Every time we turned around she wanted more. We finally had to stop actually buying the things and start giving her mother the cash to buy them herself. For some reason, actually receiving a check for an extra $200 was seen as going above and beyond where buying $200 in clothes was barely acknowledged.

 

[yeartolate]

I think what she is doing is greedy and inevitebly harmful to the child. It sounds like he is trying to catch up and she is taking advantage.

 

[SillyMe]

She should be happy he's paying for extras on top of the support. He doesn't HAVE to pay for those extras, but he is because he's obviously a very responsible parent.

 

[Mad4Mickey]

if he was smart he would go back to court and change a few things then I bet she would see how great she has it .

My son will be 18 in 3 days and I can tell you that I had to pull teeth for my child support and my ex has never paid a medical bill one time in all the years we have been divorced. He cut my DD off the day she graduated HS and she was only 17 and he has been trying to cut my son off since he graduated lthis past May.
Standard Divorce in Texas says support is paid untill they turn 18 or graduate HS whatever happens first . At least it did when I got mine.

I will be glad to have no financial ties to my ex . We are paying 100% for DD wedding next year just so she doesnt have to ask him for a thing !

 

[summerrluvv]

I'm not sure where your friend lives or what the law is, but here, child support is a percentage of the non custodial parent's income. Higher income = more child support. The tax return thing is fairly common as well.

 

[DVC Sadie]

Does your friend work full time?

If her ex husband does get another job he will have his child support payments increased so it may not be worth it to him. If he does get his child support increased he may very well need to cut out all of the extras that he is providing and let the mother pick up the slack.

 

[MAKmom]

Well technically she is allowed to ask for a reconsideration of child support from the additional income. And technically, he is allowed to quit spending extra money on the school supplies and extra stuff he buys and it will probably all end up being about the same.

I think she needs to be careful. I've known of more than one parent who has said "hey, as long as we're going back to court anyway...I'm thinking that I don't see enough of my daughter and I'd like to ask for a 50/50 custody split."

and then she has gotten herself into a battle that she was never looking to enter.

What she said

 

[yeartolate]

THe legal thing to do and the right thing to do are frequently not one in the same. A father who is paying decent child support, plus above and beyond the call of duty extras (above and beyond the call because they are not legally required - just as a parent he thinks it is a good thing) should not be penalized for trying to make a nicer home enviroment for himself and his child.

 

[diznygirl]

Well technically she is allowed to ask for a reconsideration of child support from the additional income. And technically, he is allowed to quit spending extra money on the school supplies and extra stuff he buys and it will probably all end up being about the same.

I think she needs to be careful. I've known of more than one parent who has said "hey, as long as we're going back to court anyway...I'm thinking that I don't see enough of my daughter and I'd like to ask for a 50/50 custody split."

and then she has gotten herself into a battle that she was never looking to enter.

Another "Don't Stir the Pot" story:

Mom found out Dad was earning extra $$. He was giving her a certain amount every month that was NOT court-ordered, but she wanted more. So she goes to court, and the judge decides on an amount that is LESS than what she was getting previously. Outside the court room, she actually had the nerve to ask him for the difference. You can imagine his response to THAT idea!

This guy has not taken the 2nd job just for fun - he probably needs it to make a better living for himself and his new family. And, if she wants to take him to court for it, all he has to do is quit the 2nd job.

She should leave it alone.

 

[Disney Doll]

Sounds like the ex-wife in this case needs to put on her big girl panties and ddeal with her issues, not the least of which is that she is still terribly bitter over the divorce and now seems to live to make this guy's life miserable. Truthfully, if she was my friend and she asked my opinion, I'd tell I thought she was pathetic.

Divorce is hard...no two ways about it. But I would really try my best not to make it worse by being a nasty, vindictive witch. She has a decent ex-husband who sounds like he is trying to do the best he can for their child, and she's going to go after him for a small amount of $$ that he may earn from some part-time job.

I think that if she does end up doing that, then he'll have to tell her that all the "extras" will have to stop. She'll get the child support payments and nothing else...no new clothes, no school supplies and so forth. She will be required to provide for all of that stuff out of the support payment.

I know a couple who divorced and their child literally has 2 complete sets of clothing, toys etc...one at each house...because of a situation like this. The Dad was providing child support plus extras. The Mom would send the kid for the visitation in the rattiest clothes imaginable so that Dad and stepmom would have to buy her decent clothing. Meanwhile, the kid had decent clothing at Mom's house...Mom just didn't let her bring it to Dad's, so that Dad would have to spend more $$$. For a while, Dad would let kid take new clothes back to Mom's, but it got to be that every time they got kid for visitation, they'd have to buy her clothes...Mom never sent her with the new clothes purchased the last time...just kept sending her in the same ratty stuff. Finally, Dad and stepmom decided that the stuff they bought kid would stay at their house when she left after visitation, so it would be there for her to change into the next time she came dressed in the ratty clothes that Mom always sent her in. It was sad in a way, but I could see their point in a way too.

I find women who have no desire to take care of themselves pathetic. I find women who continually play the "poor me" card to be pathetic. It's a bad example to set for your children. It's a pathetic, sad way to live your life.

 

[kami2199]

Truthfully, I just listen to her go on about how bad it is for a minute and then try to change the subject. Like I said, we talk occasionally and the more I think about it, I guess maybe she is trying to get me to take "her side". She knows I still talk to him on occasion as well. I tried once to tell her about my aunt whose son's father does not call, pay cs or medical or take them at all for visitation.

That just got her going even more so I don't even try anymore. Thanks for all the opinions, since I am not on that side of the fence (divorced single mother) I just wondered if I was being rediculous to think she is going overboard here. I can't imagine that it is easy for her to do it on her own, but dang it, he can't continue to support the ex wife for the rest of his life either which is another reason I think she wants more money. I would fully understand if the child were a little older (more expenses) or special needs (or even if it was for a sport she was really good at, etc.). This is not the case though. Actually, I don't really think it is about the daughter at all.

I only hope that the daughter does not pick up on all of this and have this attitude as well. I am sure he will quit the second job if she takes any of it. What's the point of having it when all he would use the money for is attorney's fees, court costs and then paying her. Then when he decides that he doesn't want to work the extra job, he would have to go through the same thing to get it lowered? Thanks for the replies.

 

[robertsmom]

My personal situation - I first filed for child support when DS was 2, mostly because I was stupid and believed him when he said "Let's not involve the courts. I promise I will send you money for him every month." After 2 years and a grand total of maybe 100 dollars, I said enough. It took almost fours years to get a judgement for lots of reasons - 2 states were involved, his parents were hiding him, had to take 2 DNA tests because he wouldn't accept the results of the first one, backed up system, etc. I had lots of problems when he first started paying - payments were always late, he always had excuses. Funny thing is, after he married his current wife, the problems stopped and my son now gets birthday and Christmas presents from his dad, which he never did before. I totally think she is responsible for this change. If my ex was interested at all in his son, I think the wife would be a good step-mom, but that's beside the point.

Ok, enough rambling from me - LOL. My point is that I now get a fair child support payment, on time every month. I would not dream of rocking the boat. She really needs to consider what she is doing - she may be creating more problems for herself than she thinks.

 

[jenks0718]

One thing that really bothers me is that some of these men (and women) who pay support pay so much that they can barely afford an apartment or a vehicle to get to the job that they NEED to have in order to pay child support. The once they obtain another job to supplement their income the other parent is right there in court trying to get more money. Its selfish and unfair. If my dh and I were to ever split he would have a horrible time making it on his income soley. BUT let him go do side jobs or get a part time drivers position and the court would wage attach it. Its very sad. I agree with and support the primary custodial parent getting support that they need to care for the child. No disagreement. BUT I believe that many women and men use this support to control their ex and make their lives miserable. Its a shame the court system is clogged up with support orders when parents are paying their support and the other one is never happy. They should leave the court open for the dead beats that run and hide from their responsibilities.

 

[BuckNaked]

She sounds like a greedy wench, and I'd tell her so.

 

[MareQ]

BUT I believe that many women and men use this support to control their ex and make their lives miserable. Its a shame the court system is clogged up with support orders when parents are paying their support and the other one is never happy. They should leave the court open for the dead beats that run and hide from their responsibilities.

I agree. My cousin is in this position. 3 kids - 2 over 18 the other one is 16. 75%!!!! of his paycheck goes to his ex wife for alimony and child support. He's in his late 40's and had no choice but to move back in with his parents.......

To make matters worse the mother told a whole bunch of lies about him (dad) and his kids wouldn't talk to him for years! He'd go to their ball games and the mother would start crap with him and the kids would ask him to leave. He stuck to his guns though - the next game he'd show up again - and again and again - still tried to stay away from ex - still sent cards and gifts and tried to call on a regular basis to talk to them - he knew someday when they were older they'd see through their mom and come around and he knew that the only way he'd get them back in his life was to continute to show how much he loved and cared for them - thankfully yet another incident happened and the kids finally saw RIGHT through their mother and now they are all working on rebuilding their relationships.

Now of course mom is pissed so she's trying to go after him for more money - I don't think she'll get it because what on earth is he supposed to live on??? - but it's more court and attorney fees he has to pay from money he just doesn't have....