Child-free, but not by choice?

[want2bamommy]

Hello Ladies!!!!!!!!!!!

(Sensitive announcement below)



It is with both caution and excitment that I tell you all that I am pregnant. I am in shock, but a happy shock.

CONGRATULATIONS Nennie!!!!!!! That is wonderful news. I haven't been on the disboards in over 3 months but had an urge to check on it today. I was so happy to hear your announcement! I wish you a happy and healthy rest of the pregnancy.

Missie

 

[want2bamommy]

I am still trying to get over the shooting at our hospital last week and losing a friend .

Life goes on and I need to get with it, I guess


Suzanne

Hi, Suzanne! Long time no see! I'm so sorry to hear about your friend and the shooting. I'll keep the family in my prayers!

Sorry to hear that you have been sick (and your Mom too). Hoping that all will be better soon.

Missie

 

[Nennie]

Thanks so much everyone! I'm going to be a nervous wreck until I'm holding a healthy baby in my arms, but I know you all know how that can be! Thank you for your support! I just peeked back at the first page, and we started this thread over a year ago, and I'm so happy that it's still going strong!!!

Suzanne -- I am so very sorry to hear about your friend! How horrible!! I'm also sorry to hear of your mother being sick. I can only imagine how mentally and physically exhausted you must be trying to take care of her! HUGS!!!

Hematite -- I would be more than happy to give you updates via PM! I don't have any updates yet, but when I do, I will PM you!!!

Want2bamommy -- So glad that you popped on the DIS today! I'm the same away, I'll stay away for while, and then pop in from time to time to catch up! Thanks so much for your well wishes!!!

 

[Eeyore4me764]

Congradulations Nennie!!! I am so happy for you and your DH. My DH and I got married in Oct 2005, I was surprised to find out that I was pregnant in Nov 2005, In Dec 2005 when I went for the first visit to talk to dr, they went thru everything getting all my information and then said lets do an ultrasound to see how far along you are....when they did the ultrasound, they said sorry but the their is no heartbeat. I was crushed. This is my second marriage so I am older. I do have two beautiful children from my first marriage (15 DD 13 DS) so I have been blessed to experience motherhood, but my husband and I would love to share a the experience from conception on. He is so good with children. I have been doing clomid and its not working so far. We took a two month break because I needed to have some surgery, but will try a few more months before we go to see a specialist. We too love Disney and I do the same thing, work and plan on Disney trips to take my mind off of why I can't have a child....we usually do two trips a year...and most times can't take my children as they are in year round school here in NC so they have to visit their father during their vacation times. So we are looking forward to being able to share our love of Disney with a little one too....but again we are sooooo happy for you....we are originally from NJ (essex county/bergen county) and moved south about 4 years ago. I would love to be updated too....so if you have some info and want to share you are welcome to pm me too....Best Wishes....and heres to a healthy little one!!!!

 

[VAN]

I did not read any of the responses but wanted to share something with you.

My youngest brother is not married but wanted to be a father. At the age of 40 he adopted a baby boy from Guatemala. Then a second. And is in process of adopting another baby boy, also from Guatemala.

He is self-employed and we are part of a large family, so there is lots of support and over 45 other grandchildren. The foster mother (also a U.S. citizen) thinks my brother is the BEST for being able to provide a happy, safe, and secure environment for these kids. There is a lot of poverty down there and, if these babies has not been adopted, would not have had much of a life.

We are so thankful that their mothers (who were in dire straits) loved these kids enough to put them up for adoption.

We have met other families while visiting Guatemala who have adopted and the love that they have to share is unbelieveable.

I do have to say that my mother loves these boys more than her own flesh-and-blood. LOL!

Just couldn't help but pass this along. Best of luck!

 

[aclov]

I did not read any of the responses but wanted to share something with you.

My youngest brother is not married but wanted to be a father. At the age of 40 he adopted a baby boy from Guatemala. Then a second. And is in process of adopting another baby boy, also from Guatemala.

He is self-employed and we are part of a large family, so there is lots of support and over 45 other grandchildren. The foster mother (also a U.S. citizen) thinks my brother is the BEST for being able to provide a happy, safe, and secure environment for these kids. There is a lot of poverty down there and, if these babies has not been adopted, would not have had much of a life.

We are so thankful that their mothers (who were in dire straits) loved these kids enough to put them up for adoption.

We have met other families while visiting Guatemala who have adopted and the love that they have to share is unbelieveable.

I do have to say that my mother loves these boys more than her own flesh-and-blood. LOL!

Just couldn't help but pass this along. Best of luck!

VAN - Thanks so much for sharing, I love hearing of stories like these! My boss actually used a surrogate at the age of 40 and his daughter is now 6 and the cutest. I was looking awhile back into adopting from Guatemala but it seemed very expensive and than they were pulled from the approved list. It's good to hear your brother is able to adopt from there.

 

[hematite153]

Van, thanks for the story.

Most international adoptions are not available to my DW and I unless I lie and pretend that I'm not married. Many same-sex couples do this, but, I am not comfortable with it. Actually, the one international adoption option that I have been considering is the US!

With the adoption of the Hague Convention (as of Apr 1st) there's going to be a delay for the next little while and infants will have to be placed in foster care for awhile before being eligible for international adoption--we'll have to wait and see how that changes things. But, prior to that there have been roughly 100 US children internationally adopted into Canada each year for the last while. The reports suggest that these children were mostly healthy infants that adoptive parents were able to take home from the hospital after waits of about a year.

I keep wondering how there are healthy US babies available when so many Americans are going overseas to adopt. But, I may yet end up taking advantage of it.

We've actually started looking at adoption a bit more thoroughly. I think that if we go this route I'd most likely end up adopting a sibling group of older children--I just get heart-broken when I hear their stories.

I've found that my views on adoption and on having a biological child are quite different. I actually think that I want to do both, but, for VERY different reasons. One is NOT a substitute for the other.

I've been staying away from this thread because it's challenging to talk about. But, I should share that our IVF cycle failed.

At one point I had 35 growing follicles, but, they only managed to harvest 14 eggs, 11 were mature, 7 fertilized and 4 made it to day 5. Generally speaking good stats for IVF, but, the number drop off at every step was very depressing. Also, only 2 of the 4 that made it to day 5 successfully made it to the blastocyst stage. So, we transfered these 2, but, they didn't implant.

The egg retrieval was the most painful thing I've ever experienced (and my ovaries were screaming with pain for a full week afterwards). But, I'm probably going to do it again. If anyone has any advice around the pain, please let me know.

 

[Nennie]

Hello All! I hope everyone is having a great week!!!

Eeyore -- Thank you so much for the well wishes. Best of luck with the Clomid, and if you ever have any questions about fertility treatment, etc, please feel free to PM me! Have you been just reating with a regular OB/GYN? If so, I would definitely recommend getting to an RE, as they do so much more testing, monitoring, etc. Good luck!

Van -- Thanks so much for sharing your brother's great story! He is lucky to have adopted internationally before the doors shut, as they are starting to close and make international adoptions rather difficult. We looked into adopting domestically, but unfortunately due to the problems in international adoption, it seems that everyone has rushed to get on the waiting list for domestic, so we were faced with a 2 year wait. So frustrating! So happy for your brother though!!!

Hematite -- I am so very sorry to hear about your failed IVF cycle. That's wonderful that you had some embies make to blast stage though. I always had to do a 3 day transfer, b/c they wouldn't make it to 5 day. The fact that some made it, must mean that you have some good quality there, so I would definitely give it another go! As for the pain, it sounds as though you might have developed OHSS? I know they told me to drink lots and lots of Gatorade following the retrieval to help with the pain. HUGS!!!!!!!!!

 

[hematite153]

As for the pain, it sounds as though you might have developed OHSS? I know they told me to drink lots and lots of Gatorade following the retrieval to help with the pain. HUGS!!!!!!!!!

No. They were monitoring me VERY closely for OHSS because I was considered extremely high risk. But, I never developed any of the symptoms that they were watching for. I did gain 3.6 lbs between taking the hCG trigger and the morning of my egg retrieval and another lb the next day. But, then, I lost it steadily from there (actually down to 5 lbs less than I was before we started the IVF cycle).

The pain was pretty focused on the egg retrieval itself (I was screaming on the table and scaring the resident) and the associated trauma. I have fibromyalgia and I found a neuroimaging study that showed a failure for the narcotics to change pain levels in a subgroup of about a third of fibromyalgic women. I experienced surgical awareness when I had dental surgery as a teenager, so I assume it's connected. I'm going to speak with an acupuncturist before we do it again to see if I can try using acupuncture instead of narcotics.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Hey guys, don't some of you know about this DVC thing? My cousin wants to go to WDW with us in December so she can have more hands to help with her 2 little ones (3 & 6), so I thought maybe would could rent DVC points cheaper than anything. There would be 8 of us, 3 adults (18 & over) and 2 juniors (17 & 10) and the 2 little ones. My questions is do you know anyone that rents their points and that is reliable. Looks like I would need about 284 points for a 2BR at OKW. Is this even the wisest choice. Please help me, I really want them to be able to go, my cousin and the 2 little ones have never been and she has to go when it is cooler because of her heart.

Suzanne

 

[Nennie]

Hello all!! I hope everyone had a nice weekend! DH and I holed up at home, and watched the Masters all weekend (and ate junkfood, LOL!). Now it's back to work, boo!

Suzanne -- Renting points from a DVC member is a great idea!! I rented points a few years ago, and had such a great trip that we ended up buying in! LOL!!! I didn't know about the Disboards rent/trade board back then, so I actually purchased the vacation off of ebay. I would definitely post on the rent/trade board, with what you are looking for, and see if anyone has points to rent you (I'm sure there will be)!! December is a popular DVC time, b/c points are low, so I would try to have someone book it for you right away! Let me know how you make out!!!

Hematite -- That is so horrible that the pain medication did not work for you!! I don't know if this would help with your medical condition, but do you know if they did "twilight sedation" or regular anesthesia? Many places use twilight, which isn't as strong. My old RE did twilight (and I felt it a little, although not nearly as bad as you did), but my new RE does regular anesthesia and didn't feel (or remember) a thing. I didn't even remember talking to the doctor before they put me under! Just a thought! Good luck!!!

 

[Leger13]

Hello everyone...sorry I haven't really been posting much. It gets hard to talk about this stuff after a while. I have been lurking though.

Glad to hear that one of us was successful in pregnancy! And the adoption stories are great too

I'm sorry to hear of everyone else's pain and struggles with infertility still

I'm moving a bit forward myself again. I finally got to see my RE last Friday and she wants my DH's test done before I see her again which will be when my next AF starts. She's also re-checking my thyroid because she said the last test my other doc did was borderline. She seems to be a good doctor and I'm very excited that she seems to be already headed in the direction of treatment. Just a couple more things to do to see what our plan of action is going to be!

I wish all of you the best of luck and even if I don't post regularly, I'm still right here with you all!

 

[Starr_DJ]

Hematite - I had the same problem for my 2nd IVF. I was in so much pain during the retrieval that I almost passed out! I could barely move for days afterwards. I didn't have the pain for my 1st one, so the dr's excuse was that they must have been going through scar tissue (yah, right!!!). I told them at my 3rd IVF to give me extra drugs, and it barely hurt at all. Maybe that's all you need. (BTW, all 3 IVF's miserable failures, now have switched dr's, and are going for IVF #4 in a few weeks). Hope that helps you. Good luck!

 

[Melanie98]

I am so sorry to hear about all the losses and struggles of everyone here. I know how horribly painful infertility can be. I lost 5 babies due to ectopic pregnancies. After my third loss I also lost my mind. I struggled with a horrible depression and lost most of my friends during that time because I couldn't stand to be around them (most of them pregnant then). By the grace of God, after my third loss I was blessed with a beautiful son through adoption. It was a very scary experience, but overall our adoption went better than we could have ever planned. We adopted privately in the US. Our son's birthmother was so wonderful. She put our feelings first in all the decision making leading up to (and during) our son's birth. She allowed me to be in the delivery room when he was born (I even cut the cord). As soon as he was born he was all ours (really even before then). The process was costly (especially on two teacher salaries), but since we did it privately and we were able to handle most everything ourselves we finished the entire adoption for just uner $12k, and the entire process took us about 2 months (which I totally realize is extremely rare, and in this case just God's way of saving my sanity).

My son is now 3.5 years old. Sadly, our marriage did not survive all the difficulties. We split up when my son was 1. However, we both realize how privileged we are to be parents, and neither of us have taken that for granted for a moment. Although me and my ex live in two different houses we still parent together every day. We live in adjoining neighborhoods and participate in everything together. We actually even have dinner together quite frequently (with my soon-to-be new husband too). For most people our family life seems a little weird, but for us it makes the most sense. My son has two parents who wished for him for a very long time, and we both just want to be with him as much as possible.

Infertility is so awful, and dealing with losses can make you crazy. Although I know most people probably cope better than I did, I would really advise searching for support from people who have been there. And, although online support is great, sometimes it takes more than that. Don't be afraid to admit that you are overwhelmed.

Also, if anyone is considering pursuing independent adoption, I'd be happy to share more about how we did it. Just let me know.

Best of luck to all of you in your journey to become parents!

P.S. With my upcoming marriage I am also getting another son! Just another example of how mysterious life can be. Things don't always go as planned but rainbows always come after the rain!

 

[Golden Rose]

I posted a while back, but I've been too emotional to be coherent about the subject for a time. DH and I are struggling with secondary infertility - we have one son (age 3), and have not been able to have another child. I had an ectopic pregnancy rupture last year; it destroyed the tube and almost killed me. Then I've had a series of cysts on the other tube - the paratubal cyst is now back for the 3rd time and both my OB/GYN and our second opinion doctor insist that the tube needs to be removed because the risk of another ectopic pregnancy is amazingly high.

We're left with IVF and/or adoption as options, and we've decided to go down both roads simultaneously so that something will work. We looked at domestic adoption initially, and were told that we were not good candidates because birthmothers don't want a family that has a biological child. I've considering still setting up a website and hoping, but I don't see how I can really put my hopes on it.

So we're considering starting the really long path to a Chinese daughter. We've thought seriously about adopting from Russia, but we're worried about the potential health and attachment issues. We're also going to start our first IVF cycle, assuming the results of the first round of tests come back as we hope they will. (We're just waiting for my next cycle to do the tests... assuming we're not still on vacation when it starts. I've been joking that I'm really glad we'd already booked and paid for our Disney vacation before we found out we'd be paying for IVF and/or adoption.)

I'm definitely more than a little frightened of doing IVF. One of my best friends went through it and ended up with twins, but I know so many people who have done it without success. I am really concerned about spending so much money and going through so much pain, both emotional and physical... and not ending up with a child. But, that is part of why we decided to start the road to a foreign adoption, so that even if IVF fails, I'll know we haven't lost all hope.

 

[hematite153]

Hematite - I had the same problem for my 2nd IVF. I was in so much pain during the retrieval that I almost passed out! I could barely move for days afterwards. I didn't have the pain for my 1st one, so the dr's excuse was that they must have been going through scar tissue (yah, right!!!). I told them at my 3rd IVF to give me extra drugs, and it barely hurt at all. Maybe that's all you need. (BTW, all 3 IVF's miserable failures, now have switched dr's, and are going for IVF #4 in a few weeks). Hope that helps you. Good luck!

Thanks for letting me know that I'm not the only one to have had such a painful egg retrieval. Unfortunately, they kept adding drugs and said that they had maxed me out--that's the point at which they asked me if I wanted them to stop.

I'm hoping to get a call into the acupuncturist who works with our clinic tomorrow--I've been having trouble finding time during daytime hours.

I know how horribly painful infertility can be....

Thanks for sharing your story. Congratulations on your sons!

...DH and I are struggling with secondary infertility... both my OB/GYN and our second opinion doctor insist that the tube needs to be removed because the risk of another ectopic pregnancy is amazingly high.

We're left with IVF and/or adoption as options, and we've decided to go down both roads simultaneously so that something will work. We looked at domestic adoption initially, and were told that we were not good candidates.... So we're considering starting the really long path to a Chinese daughter.

It's really hard when the medical opinion feels like it's crushing your hopes.

IVF is a viable option that works well in many cases. I hope you get to be one of the lucky ones.

If you're open to a racially different child (which it seems you are, given that you're looking at China) you may wish to look into domestic adoption again. Whenever I investigate adoption I keep coming back to information that there are healthy black and mixed race infants available for adoption who end up in foster care and can even be available for international adoption to Canada. There are some agencies that talk about average waits of 2-6 months and say that they will work with adoptive parents from anywhere in the US.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Just thought I'd stop by and say hi

You would all be proud of me....

Not

So

Much.....

I had a panic attack at the Gyn's office on Friday. I don't know what happened to me. I think it was my hormones. AF had visited earlier in the week and was almost gone, but I cried several times over the prior couple of days. I guess I just got overwhelmed and I just started crying out of no where All but 3 of the women in the waiting room were pregnant and 2 of thois 3 had newborns with them.

AF is over now and I feel fine, NOW I kinda freaked myself out.

We leave for Disney again in 25 days and I will be 35 in 26 days, that just sucks. Dh says "Well I will be 30 in August" I told him he ought to be glad he was only 30, what I wouldn't give to be 30 again, well maybe not, but I don't want to be 35. That is about half way to old.

We are taking my 10 year old cousin to WDW with us, she is so excited. She went with us on our first trip 3 years ago and she says she doesn't remember much. She has matured so much since then. I love that little girl, not so little anymore. She would be so disappointed if I did have a baby, because she thinks she is mine, and I love that.

We are working on our Grand Gathering for December. My portion of the party has decided to move to Wilderness Lodge and my cousin and her sister and 2 little ones are probably going to stay at Pop Century. I just couldn't stay too close to her, I might get stuck babysitting and I am not going to babysit. I say we are going to stay at WL, but if my AAA TA doesn't get herself together, I may not have a room anywhere. How hard is it to change a ressie? Hopefully tomorrow she will get it fixed and I promise I will not change it again.

Well, I better get to bed now, I am getting sleepy.

Suzanne

 

[Leger13]

Just thought I'd stop by and say hi

You would all be proud of me....

Not

So

Much.....

I had a panic attack at the Gyn's office on Friday. I don't know what happened to me. I think it was my hormones. AF had visited earlier in the week and was almost gone, but I cried several times over the prior couple of days. I guess I just got overwhelmed and I just started crying out of no where All but 3 of the women in the waiting room were pregnant and 2 of thois 3 had newborns with them.

AF is over now and I feel fine, NOW I kinda freaked myself out.

We leave for Disney again in 25 days and I will be 35 in 26 days, that just sucks. Dh says "Well I will be 30 in August" I told him he ought to be glad he was only 30, what I wouldn't give to be 30 again, well maybe not, but I don't want to be 35. That is about half way to old.

We are taking my 10 year old cousin to WDW with us, she is so excited. She went with us on our first trip 3 years ago and she says she doesn't remember much. She has matured so much since then. I love that little girl, not so little anymore. She would be so disappointed if I did have a baby, because she thinks she is mine, and I love that.

We are working on our Grand Gathering for December. My portion of the party has decided to move to Wilderness Lodge and my cousin and her sister and 2 little ones are probably going to stay at Pop Century. I just couldn't stay too close to her, I might get stuck babysitting and I am not going to babysit. I say we are going to stay at WL, but if my AAA TA doesn't get herself together, I may not have a room anywhere. How hard is it to change a ressie? Hopefully tomorrow she will get it fixed and I promise I will not change it again.

Well, I better get to bed now, I am getting sleepy.

Suzanne

So sorry to hear you had a rough time at the doctor's office. During that time of the month it's hard to hold back the emotions. I had a doc appointment last week too. My Mom wanted to come with me but couldn't. This is a regular occurance so I was pretty peeved. She was very upset she couldn't come. I ended up making her cry, which in turn made me cry. Plus it was that time of the month for me too. So, hopefully it makes you feel better that you're not the only one that had a nervous break down. At least you didn't make your mom cry

That's awesome that you are getting to celebrate your BDay in WDW! I hope you have a great time! So cool that you are taking your cousin with you. I'm sure you all will have a fantastic time. Don't forget to wear your birthday button

And another trip in December huh? Lucky duck!! It's good to hear from you. I haven't been around much myself. It's so hard to come to this thread sometimes

 

[PammyJJane]

I'd just like to say that we recently adopted two children from the foster system - they were 18 months and 35 months when they came to us. When I was younger, I wasn't sure I wanted children. When I got older, I did want children but definitely did not want to be pregnant after an awful miscarriage.

We became foster parents to help out a particular child who was a young teen; that did not work out but the first day we were eligible we were called about our daughters. I'd never really seriously considered adoption before...but I'd like to answer a few questions you may or may not have, possibly some you wouldn't dare ask.

Will I love them as much as my own? Do you love your spouse or significant other? How much? I'll assume you're not related to them. How about a friend? How about anyone else in the world to whom you're not directly related...wouldn't you love them more if they were biologically "yours"? Probably not. If you are of a personality to love a child, then I'd say yes, you will probably love them fiercely.

How can I afford to adopt children? Well, we adopted a sibling group and though we had no idea at the time, we actually receive money for their care every month because siblings are considered "special needs". We'll receive this money until they are 18 or 22 if they go to college.

But I want a baby! Well babies are available from the foster system but it's rare. And yes, babies are terribly cute...but babyhood is fleeting. You don't get 5 yrs with a tiny little infant. In fact you just get a few weeks with an itsy bitsy infant. And the lack of sleep, and colic-y babies are no joke.

Won't people look at me and pity me for having to adopt? Who knows? People may be pitying me behind my back, I don't know - if so I suppose I'd just shake my head at them. But actually I just hear how wonderful we are all the time for adopting these children, as though we were saints for taking in two children that have given us so much joy and laughter.

But...foster kids are damaged goods. There are no children in the foster system that have had entirely stable happy beginnings - their parents have died, or the children or parents are ill, or parents are uncaring/abusive, or are addicted...and it is sad, yes. And it hurts them, of course. But life can be painful, and no one's life will be perfect. Children are astoundingly resilient and you would not believe how much love and discipline can cure and I tell you this as the voice of experience. But yes,there are children who have severe medical problems or severe emotional problems that a stable household itself can't resolve. You will be asked to set your limits on initial foster care forms. If you are unable to care for a child with even a mild medical, emotional or cognitive deficit, simply be honest about it on the forms.

Will I be approved? You can be a foster parent and adopt if you rent a home, are single, or are gay (these are all changes over the last several decades). There are few limitations if you're a stable adult who wants to provide a loving home. The requirements for your state are easy to research.

It's not an option for everyone, but it is an option for some. The foster care system is also often not easy to deal with, and it can range from wonderful to horrible depending on your worker - even in the same county.

For most people, it's just not necessary to sit and wish for a child, while there are children waiting for loving homes.

 

[hematite153]

PammyJJane--Welcome and thanks for your story. What you describe is what I keep imagining and feeling. We have some things still to work through, but, I think we may end up going that way. I have to sort out the specifics of my eligibility though since I am a US citizen living in Canada. It's always great to hear successful stories and to hear how much love is out there waiting to be found.

For now...we've started a second IVF round. I go for bloodwork tomorrow to find out if I've successfully down-regulated. ....