Cheating spouse?

[madtraveller]

I post here every now and then but wanted some honest advice, from people who are not aware of our situation.

What would you do if you thought your spouse was cheating and had probably bought this other person some rather personal gifts?

 

[purplebelle]

Assuming you're the one not buying the gifts -- first off, I'm sorry to hear you may have been hurt and betrayed by someone you love.

I may ask my partner if he/she wants to still be in the relationship with me, or if he/she wants out. Therapy should be seriously considered if both people really want to make it work. I think it's only appropriate to say the gifts are unacceptable to give and will not be tolerated if you continue the relationship. Contact with the person the gift was given to needs to end.

I think the main thing is, does your partner still want to be in the relationships? Do you as well?

 

[Tiggeroo]

It depends on the situation. Is the spouse remorseful? Were they going through something that would explain the behavior? Is it a one time situation that with counseling could be understood and you could feel certain would never happen again? I believe marriage can be healed after this if the spouse is truly remorseful. They have to give you so much positive hard work that they prove themselves and they have to work continuously for a very long time to remove the hurt they caused.
If all of those things don't happen then it's over. You have to protect yourself financially and move on. No matter what you need to cover your butt as far as money is concerned. Men at times go through these periods when they lose their minds. When that happens they will do things so out of character you won't recognize them. During this time you can't trust them and they will hurt people they never would before and they will find ridiculous ways to rationalize this bad behavior.

 

[hlane]

I'd be doing some investigation before I started questioning. I wouldn't want to give the heads up so they could try to hide things better than they have been.


Sorry you're going through this

 

[mickeyboat]

Check out this website:

www.survivinginfidelity.com

 

[Liberty Belle]

That depends. If I wanted to try and make my marriage work, I'd confront him and try to get him to talk and go to counselling. If I wanted out, I'd sneak and snoop, get info on him, get a lawyer and divorce him.

At this point, I believe I'd want to try and stay married, so I'd likely confront him.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Get rid of the kids for a night. Tell your spouse what you have noticed and ask for an explanation. Do not launch into an accusation. You will not get anywhere if your spouse gets defensive.

But be prepared for the worst. Your spouse will either lie to protect themselves or come clean. Which would you prefer?

If you are not satisfied with the answers that you get, you will have to decide what to do next - but don't make any plans until you at least hear him/her out.

Good luck...

 

[Praying Colonel]

I post here every now and then but wanted some honest advice, from people who are not aware of our situation.

What would you do if you thought your spouse was cheating and had probably bought this other person some rather personal gifts?

If I thought my wife was cheating and had probably bought this other person some rather personal gifts, I'd confront her. Probably something like, "Are you cheating? It looks like you bought this other person some rather personal gifts."

I'm not one to beat around the bush about things like that. I'd want to deal with it head-on and get it out in the open. That's the only way to have it work out (if it's going to work out, that is).

 

[Claire L]

Sorry to hear this and hope it works out.

Just to add, do you want this to work or not? I am not sure really if checking emails or cell phones is a good idea, esp if you don't know the passwords!

Claire

 

[DebIreland]

I'd be doing some investigation before I started questioning. I wouldn't want to give the heads up so they could try to hide things better than they have been.

Good advice. I agree. I'd be checking emails, Internet cache and history, text messages, phone logs, credit card bills, his clothing (for perfume scent, receipts in pockets etc). Though it sounds like you already have reason to believe he made some purchases.

OP, sorry this is happening (if it is).

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Good advice. I agree. I'd be checking emails, Internet cache and history, text messages, phone logs, credit card bills, his clothing (for perfume scent, receipts in pockets etc). Though it sounds like you already have reason to believe he made some purchases...

Note - if you snoop and the spouse is innocent, you will destroy the trust in your relationship. If my wife thought that I was cheating and snooped on me, I would feel betrayed...

 

[vettechick99]

I'd be doing some investigation before I started questioning. I wouldn't want to give the heads up so they could try to hide things better than they have been.


Sorry you're going through this

yup!!

 

[daisyyy]

I post here every now and then but wanted some honest advice, from people who are not aware of our situation.

What would you do if you thought your spouse was cheating and had probably bought this other person some rather personal gifts?

You're not 100% positive, but I think in most casses, if you susoect, it's probably true. I don't have much advice, but maybe try and confirm your suspicions, and then confront. Be prepared for anything.. they may try and deny, or fess up, beg forgiveness, make promises. Decide ahead of time what you think will be the outcome.. and make your plan of action. sorry this is happening.

 

[a1tinkfans]

I post here every now and then but wanted some honest advice, from people who are not aware of our situation.

What would you do if you thought your spouse was cheating and had probably bought this other person some rather personal gifts?

SORRY you "feel" this about your spouse.
Unfortunately your Gut is likely right.
What would I do?, well personally ....
the accounts would be emptied, the locks would be changed and he'd find a suitcase on the stoop...and I am serious, not joking...but thats me...(happily married 24 years, and too many medical issues to play those is he/isn't he type games with a cheating spouse)

If your gut tells you he is breaking your vows and you have other signs...$$ being spent, time away from family, suddenly more conscious of himself physically, seeking no or more sexual interest in you...its time you asked point blank...is there anything you want to discuss with me AND did you purchase something for someone else, I should know about?

My heart aches for you to feel this...my sister went thru it years ago....life it TOO short..........so don't wait, don't dwell on it and make yourself sick over it...ASK and then proceed to what is best for YOUR family and YOU!
Best of Luck

 

[Tiggeroo]

Also if you believe there is a chance to reconcile I wouldn't discuss this with anybody except one close friend. If you reconcile and you decide to forgive him your family may never be able to do that if they know the dirt.

 

[ryanshana]

Note - if you snoop and the spouse is innocent, you will destroy the trust in your relationship. If my wife thought that I was cheating and snooped on me, I would feel betrayed...

But if you had nothing to hide and your wife explained the reason for the snooping, and it was something that looked suspicious (even if it wasn't true), wouldn't you understand.

I agree w/ the PP survivinginfidelity.com is an amazing website.

 

[DebIreland]

Note - if you snoop and the spouse is innocent, you will destroy the trust in your relationship. If my wife thought that I was cheating and snooped on me, I would feel betrayed...

I know but she wouldn't have a reason to even get to the point where she thinks you're cheating. You know what I mean? Sounds like the OP unfortunately has good reason to believe her husband might be cheating and needs to know. Truly if someone is cheating on their spouse they're effectively lying every single day so why would they suddenly become truthful when confronted?

I don't see much point in just asking 'are you cheating?'. In any case isn't the trust violated too by your wife just asking if you're cheating (as opposed to snooping for evidence).

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

But if you had nothing to hide and your wife explained the reason for the snooping, and it was something that looked suspicious (even if it wasn't true), wouldn't you understand...

I would understand why she asked me, but I would not understand how she could betray me by spying on me. I would treat it as though she heard a rumor and assumed the worst of me...

 

[LuvOrlando]

No advice for this, just a big

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...I don't see much point in just asking 'are you cheating?'. In any case isn't the trust violated too by your wife just asking if you're cheating (as opposed to snooping for evidence).

You do not violate trust by asking for verification of love and commitment.

As I said in my initial post, the OP should confront his/her spouse with the information that has come to his/her attention, asking for an explanation - not making an accusation.

Of course, if the evidence includes a pair of worn womens panties in his pants pocket, I'd start snooping.