So in the Athletic Underwear section of Wal Mart staring down an Adult XL size Cup. How worse off can I be???
I search for kids. Youth small appears and I check the chart on the back. No youth XS. size of waist is 18-22 inches. This has to fit its the smallest they have. i have to open it up to see. Luckily it was a package that was easily opened and resealed. Good Ole Wal-Mart. WOWZA that thing could fit my DH. Now I havent even looked at the cup I'm just looking at the size of the briefs. No way is Jake's tiny rump going to fit in this. Jake has a hershey kiss size butt. a tiny little m&m compared to this gigantor underwear. This will not work. I can see the cup getting out of place, he getting hit and he getting sliced off by the cup. decapitation down there by the protective cup.
YIKES. I'm looking dismal. I'm upset.
I'm thinking I need to feed my son red beans and rice. I mean if it worked for the girls in sir mix a lots songs it might work for Jake.
I'm on the phone with my mom as I exit Wally World with my bag of goodies minus the jock strap. She says I might have to take the underwear in. In my wildest dreams when I took up sewing I had not imagined this. She says I could go into business since my last name sounds good with STRAPS. STINKY STRAPS could be the name of the business if my last name was STINKY.
Sure Mom. Thanks for laughing at me and my problem.
I call my brother in despair. He says dont worry come up and help with his girlfriends classroom and he'll help me. So I do it. I slave all day setting up a kindergarten classroom. I'm pretty good at it by the way. Then we hit Sports Authority. I was planning on going there first. I'm glad I went with him though he showed me the ins and outs of cleats as he still plays football at the University.
So he struts in and asks the first guy he sees where the "cups" are. I would have died to ask that. I would have called them jock straps. Again I am thinking old school. 16 candles old school. Guys can talk to guys about cups. Girls cannot talk to guys about cups that they do not know. It doesnt work. No cup talk allowed without a male present that you are related to. So my brother finds a Pee Wee size cup. Same as the football. Size 4-5. YEAH. We open it. It looks HUGE again but possibly not as huge. Waist size 16-20. Weight 35-45. Jake weighs 38-39 if he's eaten or not peed.
So we purchase them and check out the cleats. I need to bring him to try them on so we dont purchase those. I'll do that later.
So, I bring home the cup and tell Jeff he must explain it all to him. He tries it on. Loose but they fit. TA DA. A run in hot water and high dryer and we will be good. Room to grow on. Then Jeff puts the cup in. This is funny. This makes me pee my pants funny. Jeff taps it to show its to protect the family jewels. Jake hits it too. Then he realzes it doesnt hurt so he hits it again. Then Jeff tells him to run so he's used to the feel of running with the cup. Jake takes off running in them all over the house. Jake looks like he has a banana in his pants. Jake is well endowed at the moment and even though he doesnt know it yet something deep inside his genetic makeup gives him a manliness and a pridefullness when he runs. He is now running like a warrior, like a psychotic warrior with a large sac who keeps hitting himself in the privates to prove his manhood. He glances in the mirror, backs up and glances again. He doesnt know its good to be ummm large but somewhere deep down he is happy he is because he stands taller. I'm laughing so hard I cannot stand. Then the warrior retreats to the mancave in his tighty whiteys with cup. 5 minutes pass. We wait. The warrior does not emmerge so we go see what is happening. The warrior is pounding his cup with his play hammer, then his sailboat, then an action figure. next was superman. I guess if superman couldnt break the barrier he was safe. The barrier held. The cup was a shield against even the strongest of all superhero's. Superman could not defeat the cup. The cup is now the the superhero of the room. He sees us watching him. He wants to show us his experiments. His cup withstands every one. He is proud. He is ready for football. We throw the football at the jewels. It bounces back unharmed. The jewels protected. The cup has won.
The jockstrap, aka athletic briefs, aka cup or superhero is now a part of our life. He wanted to sleep in it. We had to say no. I'm not sure that would be good for our future grandchildren. The cup might do more harm than good if used too much.
so now my 5 year old owns a jock strap.
So far so good..
Oh NO!!!
