Charitable donations vs. favors

[UnderTheMistletoe]

(a) you think they deserve/expect more than that, and (b) instead of giving them what you think they deserve/expect, you want to donate to your favorite charity instead. If (a) is true, then (b) is not a good idea IMHO. That's all I'm saying. If you want your charity donation to be a gift to someone else, it needs to be to the charity of the recipient's choice, not the charity of your choice.

As you said earlier about the sense of expectation... I suppose we do move in a ritzier social circle.

I've never found where I said that the chocolate placecard wasn't enough. Any extra favor would have been in addition to the chocolate placecard. In fact, those Disney cast members present for the planning session on Friday that I brought this up were surprised it was even brought up-- they had assumed the chocolate placecards WERE the favors.

It's not going to be a donation to a favorite charity. It is going to be two separate donations established in the memory and honor of close friends we had die this year. Close friends who would otherwise be participating members in our wedding. Knowing our guests and their active participation in community service and other social groups, this shouldn't present a problem. We haven't cut corners with costs and the donations to the funds are not cutting costs... if anything they will be adding to them. Again, it's not the amount of money (which you have fixated on) but where the money is going.

You've made your point... and talked yourself in circles... I thank you for your opinion and great involvement in our decision. But, WE have made the decision. You haven't been invited to our wedding, so I guess you don't have to worry about not receiving something, do you? Go right ahead and do with as you choose for your wedding budget and favors. For us, the decision is made and final.

 

[Laurafoster]

My fiend also had a similar situation - one friend died of breast cancer so for her wedding favours she brought those pink ribbon badges and attached a little card with a little note behind why she was giving these as favours! I thought that was a nice was of doing it! Most charities have some sort of badge or bracelet nowdays!

 

[hmgolden]

Like I said before - I think the charitable donation is a much better way to spend 'favor' money. I would rather see the couple donate to a charity rather than give me some trinket that I have no use for and I am going to throw away anyway. A friend of mine's Fiance's father died of a heart attack just weeks before their wedding. They ended up giving a donation to the American Heart Society in his memory at the wedding. As a guest, how can you think that's tacky?

Here's another thought - we didn't do favors at all for our wedding. A very difficult decision for my VERY Italian mother. But the budget was getting tight and in the end, we decided that it would be more worthwhile to put the favor budget towards our Illuminations Dessert Party and give our guests and experience they would remember rather than something else to trash. We made the right decision for our guests - they still talk about Illuminations, and no one noticed there were no favors until my mother brought it up.

 

[IrishCinderella]

You know, I think the badge/bracelet idea is really perfect...

It's still a "tricket", but at least there is plenty of meaning behind it...and any good person with a heart (ie-anybody you might invite to share in your wedding!) will understand that...

I know that when I go to a wedding, I might "expect" to see a favor, but I am always so thrilled when the couple has made it something personal and/or useful...whether to me personally or any other decent human being who might need the help of those more fortunate!

Good going Laurafoster! Great suggestion...I may use it myself, as I was looking for a great way to incorporate my best friend who passed years ago (she would have been maid of honor)...

 

[Laurafoster]

You know, I think the badge/bracelet idea is really perfect...

It's still a "tricket", but at least there is plenty of meaning behind it...and any good person with a heart (ie-anybody you might invite to share in your wedding!) will understand that...

I know that when I go to a wedding, I might "expect" to see a favor, but I am always so thrilled when the couple has made it something personal and/or useful...whether to me personally or any other decent human being who might need the help of those more fortunate!

Good going Laurafoster! Great suggestion...I may use it myself, as I was looking for a great way to incorporate my best friend who passed years ago (she would have been maid of honor)...

Thanks! this is hopefully what i am going to be doing as my sister passed away several years ago and i thought it would be a good way to "include" her in my day!

 

[tlbwriter]

As you said earlier about the sense of expectation... I suppose we do move in a ritzier social circle.

LOL. I suppose you do. I live in a location where "stag and doe" parties and money dances are unthinkable in any social circle, where the phrase "pay for your plate" is not in any bride's vocabulary, and no one would ever consider asking their guests for money to help fund their wedding. Yet I realize this is common in many areas. I move in a social circle where no reception, from cake-and-punch to catered dinner, includes take-home favors. But again, I realize this is common in many areas. So I try to keep an open mind.

I've never found where I said that the chocolate placecard wasn't enough.

You implied it in your very first post, where you said you had planned to give a favor in addition to the chocolate placecard, and if you didn't do that, you wanted to explain why. You suggested it again in post 10, where you said you needed to tell the guests where that money was spent because there was a "sense of expectation" that it would be spent on favors. I could only assume you meant "expectation" of something other than the chocolate placecard, since otherwise, it wouldn't be an issue. I said, more than once, that I thought the placecard was more than adequate, and I believe several other posters agreed, so I'm not sure why you're so defensive about that.

It's not going to be a donation to a favorite charity. It is going to be two separate donations established in the memory and honor of close friends we had die this year. Close friends who would otherwise be participating members in our wedding. Knowing our guests and their active participation in community service and other social groups, this shouldn't present a problem. We haven't cut corners with costs and the donations to the funds are not cutting costs... if anything they will be adding to them.

This statement conflicts with your original post, where you said that you felt the money you were going to spend on favors would be better spent on a donation (a sentiment I agree with). Nowhere did you say you'd spend more money than that. If the donations are not, in fact, a replacement for the favors, that's a different story. But it's also the opposite of what you said in your original post.

Again, it's not the amount of money (which you have fixated on) but where the money is going.

I haven't said anything about the amount of money. I don't have a clue what your budget is, nor does it matter. I've only spoken of where it's going - i.e., you say your guests expect it to be spent on them, and you'd like to spend it somewhere else. Doesn't matter if it's $5 or $5000.

Anyway, you asked what we would think if we were guests at your wedding. Six people felt it was inappropriate. Nine felt it was a nice idea. Assuming I counted correctly, that is. So, you have your answer. Some guests will think it's a lovely idea, and some guests will think it's tacky. But the same is true of anything one does at a wedding, I suppose. I'm unsubbing from this thread, so you don't have to worry about any more comments from this corner. So have fun planning, and watch the pages of Etiquette Hell and see if you show up.

 

[UnderTheMistletoe]

So have fun planning, and watch the pages of Etiquette Hell and see if you show up.

Oh no, Mommy! Not a website! Not another person who is quick to judge and has too much to say. I'm so scared! I'm so devestated! My life is ruined!

And what will my guests think!? Oh, that's right... they have class, grace, poise, education, and last names.

Toodles!

 

[Laurafoster]

hmmm think smeone hit a nerve?!

 

[UnderTheMistletoe]

Hardly

 

[Lex]

I realize I'm butting into the conversation here... and I'm joining in a little late at that...

but I really don't understand how doing something good for the world in the name of your guests is poor ettiquete. You *are* giving your guests something more than a piece of paper with some writing on it. You're giving them hope for the future. Particularly where the gift is one made in the memory of a deceased family member, to an organization whose goal is to find a cure for a disease that is commonly passed from generation to generation. In that case the money you didn't waste on chocolate or silly knick knacks is going to help in finding a cure for a disease that a fair percentage of your guests may come face-to-face with in the future. What could possibly be more thoughtful?

Lex