Cemetery Flowers. Is this cheap/cheating?

[Disneefun]

Here's a WWYD question for the group. My parents have both passed away and are interred in an indoor, temperature and humidity controlled mausoleum. The air in there is perfect "non-air" if that makes sense. There's very little direct sunlight, either. When my father passed away, my mother insisted on getting the flower vase for their nameplate. I tried to talk her out of it for two reasons: One, she was in such ill health that I knew she'd never live to see or change the flowers, and two, because as an only child with no kids of my own, I knew there would be a day when no one would be around to change those flowers. One day, whatever is there is just going to stay there because I'm going to be too dead to change it. I think she was too far gone from dementia to process that, though, so flower vase it was.

Anyway, only fake flowers are allowed in there. Which is fine, but brings me to the question. When I place flowers in there for a season, they look exactly the same at the end of the season. They're still showroom new because nothing in there hurts them. There's no "weather" to damage them. No wear and tear whatsoever. Other than they come out smelling of the air freshener the place uses, they could have been bought that morning, not four months ago.

(I guess I should note that I make my own arrangements. There's a service that will place flowers, but theirs are kind of sad looking, so I wanted to make my own.)

What I've been doing is just keeping the arrangements after each season and then reusing them when that season next rolls around. (I have been known to change the ribbon.) It seems too wasteful not to. It isn't about the money, but more the fact that these flowers are still so new, it seems like a waste of resources to toss them. I haven't found anywhere that will accept them as a donation. Places like nursing homes and hospitals only want live flowers.

Well, someone told me the other day that reusing them like this was just sad and cheap and that I should do all new arrangements each time. Apparently, I'm dishonoring my parents by reusing the same flowers. (Never mind that at some point, they're not only going to be reused, but they're going to sit there unchanged until the mausoleum caves in because they'll never look terrible and I doubt the cemetery will ever remove them.) I've kind of felt a little off about it myself, but at the same time, I can't stand waste and my parents abhorred it, too (depression-era babies), so I've just continued to do it. I can't imagine they'd want me tossing perfectly good flowers in the garbage.

But am I really being terrible? I'm not a religious person, so I don't believe they're "up there" taking inventory. I could just have the vase removed, and I probably will one day in the future just to keep the aforementioned "endless flower" scenario from happening when I die. But for now, she wanted it so I'm trying to honor that request.

Does anyone know of any place that would welcome fake flowers as a donation? I am not a flower person at all, so I have no desire to display them in my house. Sigh. I tried to talk her out of the vase...

 

[leebee]

Keep using the flowers. You are commemorating your parents- and it's the thought that counts.

 

[lovesmurfs]

That's just BS. Sorry. You're honoring your parents by putting seasonal arrangements. They don't have to be new. If that person is so put off by your reusing arrangements, let them change it out and deal with the expense.

I don't see it any different from decorating the house for seasons (and I AM a religious person). You do you, and honor them by being respectful of what they'd like. It would certainly be different if they were outside in the seasons, but inside, oh no.

 

[Marrila]

I think it's fine to reuse.
I'm sorry you had to hear from a busybody. It's astonishing when folks can't manage a kind word, particularly about something like cemetery visits.

 

[barkley]

reusing them is not inappropriate at all and is a common practice. my preferred grocery store is just past a large cemetary where it's common for people to put fairly large decor on graves for different holidays and occasions special to them. after passing by for years i've noticed that the same displays are put up year after year and I sincerly doubt they are remade with the same exact detail.

 

[clappyclaps]

You're definitely not being terrible and it's nonsense to buy new every season. There's absolutely nothing wrong with reusing flowers and if I were in your position I'd do the same. Keep doing what you're doing.

 

[Mommb]

Did this someone just happen to notice that the flowers were the same each season, or were they reacting to you mentioning that this is what you've been doing?

If it is not someone who noticed on their own, then you have absolutely no reason to change your process.

If it is someone who noticed on their own, you still have no reason to change your process, but you could, as lovesmurfs suggested above, ask if they'd like to add a new display of their own each season.

You are paying attention to your parents' gravesite and thinking about them. That's what matters.

 

[Disneylover99]

I agree with everyone here.
Keep reusing the old flowers and don’t give it a second thought.

 

[kdonnel]

My parents cremains are currently in giant salt shaker like cardboard tubes in the closet. The plan had been to chuck them into the ocean on a prior cruise but we were not able to get the proper paperwork for the cruise line so they went on the cruise with us but remain in the containers that were approved for chucking into the ocean by the cruise line.

You should do whatever you want to do as far as the flowers are concerned.

You don't need to answer to anyone, living or deceased.

 

[Disneefun]

Did this someone just happen to notice that the flowers were the same each season, or were they reacting to you mentioning that this is what you've been doing?

Her best friend noticed. We've been over a year's cycle now, and she's noticed the repeats when she visits. She actually emailed me about it. (We correspond about other things, as well, as I've always enjoyed her company.) She's a nice person and I'm not sure she meant to be mean to me. I think she comes from a generation (like my parents) where tending graves was more of a serious thing because there weren't these perpetual care facilities and family graves were a bigger deal. But she did make me question this whole thing. Like I said, I was already kind of wondering about it and when she brought it up, I was like, "Well, dang, am I terrible?"

 

[Marrila]

Her best friend noticed. We've been over a year's cycle now, and she's noticed the repeats when she visits. She actually emailed me about it. (We correspond about other things, as well, as I've always enjoyed her company.) She's a nice person and I'm not sure she meant to be mean to me. I think she comes from a generation (like my parents) where tending graves was more of a serious thing because there weren't these perpetual care facilities and family graves were a bigger deal. But she did make me question this whole thing. Like I said, I was already kind of wondering about it and when she brought it up, I was like, "Well, dang, am I terrible?"

Her filter may be off more as she ages.
You could always email back occasionally or not, your choice. It's ok to ignore the flower critique. Maybe stick to weather, little bits of happy family news if you do.

 

[CAPSLOCK]

Are we "dishonoring" holidays by using the same decor yearly? Do people really toss out their artificial tree or halloween throw pillows each year to buy new ones? She's just being silly. Changing them out seasonally and freshening up the ribbon occasionally is more than respectful.

 

[AppleDumpling]

I agree with everyone else, it’s fine to reuse the flowers. Think of it this way, many people have artificial Christmas trees, wreaths, garland, etc. that is reused year after year. As an only child honoring your parents and paying respects at their resting place, it is your choice alone to do what you deem appropriate, and no one should be judging you.

 

[Bad Pink Tink 2.0]

Its not so deep and its not so serious and that person is a busy body who needs to mind her own business.

Its very normal here in Ireland to have plants at outdoor graves, which are the same for years and years. They dont get changed out for seasons, plant once and thats it, job done.

Next time you see that person, I would bring it up in conversation that you reuse them , and make it into something happy and celebratory. I bet the old witch wont know what to say, and when her face drops, ask straight out why does it bother you what I put on my parents grave??? You are not paying for it and they are nothing to you.

 

[fla4fun]

You are doing nothing wrong by reusing the flowers. So long as they still look good, they should be reused. Other people should just mind their own business. I wonder how often that person even visits the graves of their loved ones. You are honoring your parents wishes by placing the flowers there and honoring their values by reusing perfectly good arrangements seasonally. Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks.

 

[NannyBeBe]

I would have just said, "I'm sorry you feel that way," and be done with it.

 

[_19disnA]

Ignore the person who told this was inappropriate. There is nothing wrong about reusing artificial arrangements from one season to the next. It is thoughtful to place flowers on their grave. If that person ever mentions it again just say 'that is what I have chosen to do' and change the subject. You don't need to justify what you are doing and frankly it was tacky of them to even mention that to you.

 

[barkley]

I can't stand waste and my parents abhorred it, too (depression-era babies)

my parents were adults during the depression so I get this entirely (the number of cool-whip containers mom squirreled away and reused for years as her form of Tupperware was mind boggling). my mom always preferred a plant over fresh flowers b/c it was wasteful to spend money on flowers that would be gone in a matter of days. given the decades and decades of reused holiday decoration (including lots of artificial flowers) that she still had when she passed in her late 80's I have no doubt she would be very upset with me if I were to toss out perfectly reusable displays. you honor your parents by following their example.

 

[Genie+]

You can choose to respond or not, or maybe just keep a response on hand for if she brings it up again. In a nice way I’d just say my Mom brought me up not to be wasteful, so cycling the flowers does not feel inappropriate. I might even ask her if she’d like to pick and change the flowers some seasons. Sounds like she visits often enough that she may feel honored being invited to cherish your parents together with you.

 

[tvguy]

What you are doing is perfect. That is what my wife does on her mother's niche, but in her case, it is outdoors. We only live 5 miles away, and she changes things out on her mom's birthday, and holidays, although her flowers are never holiday specific. Her dad is 2,000 miles away and we have only been back to his gravesite twice in the 21 years since he passed. We got fresh flowers there, but her step mom and step sister have holiday specific decorations that they change out. That is a huge thing to do in the area of Texas where he is interred.
My parents are interred 100+ miles from here. They are in a National Cemetery where there are strict rules on artificial flowers. Fresh flowers are okay anytime. So we always use fresh flowers since we won't be back to remove artificial ones when they are not allowed. I think I have been to their plots 4 times in the 12 years since mom passed, and 7 times since my dad passed 58 years ago. But both my parents make it clear in their living years that they did not expect us to visit their graves. As my mom put it, "I'm not there". I think my mom visited her parents gravesites 5 times, and as far as I know, my dad never visited his parents gravesites.