catholics... what do you think about this...

[Magalex]

This is why I am at home now while my DH took my DS to his first confession this evening. My DH is the 12 yr vet of Catholic schools. My DS is in CCD but attends public schooling. I was afraid my mother bear instinct would show up if any of the children came out crying. I really don't agree with first confession so young. On any given Sunday my child(including myself and DH) attends mass, CCD, and then visits his ailing grandmother in a nursing home while reads to her and her roommate and just the other day he is asking me what he needs to do for Lent. So really I don't think 7-8 yr old children need to bear their souls behind close doors to a priest.

 

[BellesFavoriteBook]

Magalex: Visiting the sick is one of the Corporal works of mercy. That's wonderful that your son visits his ailing grandmother.

 

[bcvdreamer]

This is why I am at home now while my DH took my DS to his first confession this evening. My DH is the 12 yr vet of Catholic schools. My DS is in CCD but attends public schooling. I was afraid my mother bear instinct would show up if any of the children came out crying. I really don't agree with first confession so young. On any given Sunday my child(including myself and DH) attends mass, CCD, and then visits his ailing grandmother in a nursing home while reads to her and her roommate and just the other day he is asking me what he needs to do for Lent. So really I don't think 7-8 yr old children need to bear their souls behind close doors to a priest.

It's really not that bad. My ds made his 1st confession last year, and he was excited about it. It's all in the way it's presented to the kids. They had about 4 different priests throughout the church, and the children got to decide which line to get in. (We have a big church) The kids all decorated a cut out sheep, which represented a lost sheep, that they placed in a basket on the alter. After their confession the priest gave them a stuffed lamb that held a heart that said "Jesus loves You" on it. They sang songs, the priest talked to them and told them they would be closer to Jesus when they confess their sins. Everything was done on their level.

FYI - I was the one who was nervous for him.

 

[laceemouse]

I can't believe in this day and age the Catholic church still requires a child to be alone, behind closed doors, with any adult church leader. No other religion requires that. I can't understand why anyone would go along with that ever!

We confess our sins to God. If anyone needs counsel they can get it from a clergy member. But a child alone with an adult, no!

Have to put in a good word for homeschooling, we started 4 years ago and love it! It is not at all what it used to be, we have lots of outside classes and activities, but WE get to decide when, where, and who our kids associate with

 

[mommytobug]

I can't believe in this day and age the Catholic church still requires a child to be alone, behind closed doors, with any adult church leader. No other religion requires that. I can't understand why anyone would go along with that ever!

We confess our sins to God. If anyone needs counsel they can get it from a clergy member. But a child alone with an adult, no!

Have to put in a good word for homeschooling, we started 4 years ago and love it! It is not at all what it used to be, we have lots of outside classes and activities, but WE get to decide when, where, and who our kids associate with

I have to agree. While I respect choice of religion, I dont understand confessing sins to a human being. I dont understand a young boy being in a closed room with a priest or a teacher or anyone else for that matter in this day and time. I dont understand putting your child in the situation. Forgiveness comes from God alone. Forgive me but the way he responded (anyone knows you dont call people stupid-especially if you are in a position of authority) makes me think he will not ever take responsibilty for his actions. I dont know if i would pull my kid out of school but I would not let him go to confession again.

 

[mjkacmom]

I have to agree. While I respect choice of religion, I dont understand confessing sins to a human being. I dont understand a young boy being in a closed room with a priest or a teacher or anyone else for that matter in this day and time. I dont understand putting your child in the situation. Forgiveness comes from God alone. Forgive me but the way he responded (anyone knows you dont call people stupid-especially if you are in a position of authority) makes me think he will not ever take responsibilty for his actions. I dont know if i would pull my kid out of school but I would not let him go to confession again.

That is the teachings of your church, whereas the Catholic church's law is that you must confess your sins to a priest in order to receive communion - been this way for thousands of years. Those who don't agree are free to seek out another church. At our church, there are 4 priests for first communion, the children chose, and it's out in the open, to save time. Normally, you would confess in a confessional, and the priest is in a separate little room.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

I am so glad to read the update. I have just a few thoughts:

this is an issue you know about because you heard it. Is it possible that there are other instances you don't know about?

The father couldn't remember saying it? But you know he did. What else can he not remember? If he can' remember saying it, maybe he uses that word STUPID very casually.

You are the mother. Only a mother has the instincts when something is not right.

If you have any doubts at all.........

I'm bothered that you had to educate him on the word Stupid. He works with kids.....shouldn't he already know that?

And I'm curious now that he thinks your son is "too sensitive", how does he think they will toughen him up? I for one would be asking a LOT of questions to your son to see how he's being treated.

To you while you make this decision....lots of strength!

 

[Dawn27]

I think that you should say something to your preist. He is suppossed to be upholding a position of love and kindness and teaching that to your child. Growing up Catholic, I understand how the environment used to be and I think that is in part to people not saying what they felt was wrong in the church and now the members of the church have more of a say. I wish you all the best and hope that my 2 cents helped a little.

 

[Mkrop]

I have to agree. While I respect choice of religion, I dont understand confessing sins to a human being. I dont understand a young boy being in a closed room with a priest or a teacher or anyone else for that matter in this day and time. I dont understand putting your child in the situation. Forgiveness comes from God alone. Forgive me but the way he responded (anyone knows you dont call people stupid-especially if you are in a position of authority) makes me think he will not ever take responsibilty for his actions. I dont know if i would pull my kid out of school but I would not let him go to confession again.

This is part of the Catholic faith plain and simple. Growing up there was always a priest that the kids (and adults) preferred not to go to for confession, so we lined up for someone else. They were the ones that gave out long absolutions. Most churches today do open confessions, where the priests spread out in the Church and you have a face to face confession, no closed doors involved. But many older churches still have confessionals where the priest goes in one side and the person confessing goes in the other. The OP's situtaion sounded like the priest had no other place to do this and chose this room to allow some privacy (She did say he was the only kid that day) and most adults want the privacy. It was a bad call that I thought the priest acknowledge. She can still have the child practice his faith but chose a different priest (unless this is super small parish)

And where I live there are still many older people who use the word stupid pretty commonly. I gave the example of my MIL, a highly educated woman who ran a cancer dept, used the word. I have told her not to in front of the kids. I think this is one of those words that needs time to be replaced, like someone used the example of retard. It takes time to educate everyone.

 

[Cory's Gal]

When I did First Reconciliation in second grade, we were not required to go in a private room with the priest. It was set up really nice. There was 2 priests, and we were in the back of church out in the open just with office dividers up between the two priests so they could take 2 people at a time. We could be seen by our parents but were private enough to talk. There is also communal Reconciliation where the whole congregation participates at once. A lot of Catholic churches run them this way. It was a great way to be introduced to the sacrament at a young age.

To the OP, I am glad you went and talked to the priest. *Most* priests are easy to talk to and want to make things right. As the parent you have to do what's right for your children and family, only you can make the best decision and I think you did what you had to do. Whatever you decide about schooling, it sounds like you only have your child's best interest at heart, so they are lucky to have you as an advocate!

 

[skjj2009]

Glad to see you were able to get some resolution even if it wasn't 100% of what you wanted.

We live in a public district that I'm not crazy about so reluctantly we've decided to put our children in a catholic school. We visitied 3, I talked to so many people, and then made our decision. No nuns, they have that program you were talking about (safe program with emails and updates done every month), and we loved the principal. I truly wish I lived in Indiana (where we will be sending our kids to the catholic school) in a good public district instead of Illinois. Our district is ok but Illinois in general sucks in the education dept so for the good of my children and knowing as soon as we can we'll be moving back to Indiana (we grew up there) I'm giving it a try. We really, really looked for a church that fit us. We like the priests (one is young and we really like him) and the church is big which is nice. We went to one we really liked here in Illinois but the school wasn't ideal (35 kids in kindergarten with one teacher ) so that was a no go.

I do hope the priest apologizes to your ds and that all is well again. We were considering homeschool (up until just 2 weeks ago I was going to do it) but I decided to go ahead and give this a try and if this doesn't work we'll revisit the homeschool option. I know its a hard decision and probably something that is weighing on you right now...all you can do is watch and listen and make your decision from there. Good luck!

 

[Moeluv4u7]

Wonderful to hear that you got to have your say- I am with Grumpy's Gal on this though-
If he said he doesn't remember saying that how many other times had he said it or something else equally as demeaning w/o "realizing" it- How casual are these type of words to him?
And yes, "How" does he intend to "work on" your son's sensitivity?!
I hate to say it, well, no I don't... If someone called me stupid or said I did something stupid, I, too, would get upset- Does that make me sensitive? It would hold more or less value depending upon who it came from- and in your son's case- this is a man he is to hold in high regard... Someone he is probably as eager to please as you & your DH- the word probably hurt his feelings, confused him, upset him, etc- Just as if you or your DH had said it to him- I would be more upset if my DH said I was stupid over some stranger saying it & again I am not Catholic but would be equally upset or more if our Pastor said that to me or my children... How sensitive is that?
It shouldn't be seen as being "too sensitive" but more along the lines of you have taught your son what is right and wrong and using this word at all is not acceptable in describing a person, their actions, their looks, etc- Just not a good word!
Please, as you look to what your final decision is, keep in mind that your son is still there thebetter part of the day without you- Only you can keep him truly safe from harm. Make sure he knows no matter what someone tells him, that he is to tell you everything that is said and/or done to him- even if it is a small inconspicuous thing- i.e. a conversation with him telling him he shouldn't tell anyone about what is said or done during confessional... This is the way so many young kids start out by being abused- whether verbally, physically, mentally, sexually- (and by this I mean, an adult taking their authority to manipulate confidence from a child in them... making them think that no one else is taking their best interest to heart, etc)
God Bless & keep HIM in your heart as you make your decision.

 

[princessmom29]

OP here... I just got back from speaking w/ father for an hour.

He was very nice. Invited me to come in (the parish offices) for coffee to sit and talk about it. He said he doesn't recall saying it (so at first he denied it, then when I said I heard him myself, he looked surprised but said if he said it, he certainly didn't mean it that way).

But he was trying to put it on my ds, saying "if your ds is so sensitive that this one word is upsetting him so much, we need to strengthen your ds. I'm concerned about him". I didn't like this at all and told him so (very nicely). I told him I didn't like that he was putting this on my ds and not taking responsbility for what came out of his own mouth (that's my exact words, but I said it nicely). I explained how today we parents, because of political correctness, have to teach our children to not say the word "stupid", and that if a teacher had said that to my ds, it would be a problem in the school. He said he truly didn't realize that. I told him it's the same as saying (please forgive me for saying this) retard (i actually whispered the word, and he laughed). How when I was a kid, if you were mad at someone, that's what you called them - we heard and said it all the time, and how today, you simply don't say it and we teach our kids to not say it. He understood more then. I also told him I didn't like that he closed the door, and he shouldn't have and I wouldn't have if I were him (not in a threatening way, just telling him how all adults need to be hyper-aware of being alone w/ children, and simply not do it). He agreed. We talked about the "safe environment program" w/ the kids, and that's why I overheard some things (because of course he said I shouldn't have been listening), but I explained I was standing there because he closed the door. He said it was an ackward situation because it wasn't a real confessional room he was using, and for privacy from the hallway and room right next door, he closed the door, but he even felt weird about it.

He wants to apologize to ds, and I said I'll only allow ds to speak to him w/ me there, and he fully agreed. He said 'let's have your dh come too', but I explained how we own a local business and dh is a busy guy, then it came out he's a long time customer of ours (my dh had said this to me, that he thought he recognized father, but he was far away w/out his glasses). Anyway, my dh had said to me "if it's the customer i'm thinking of, he's the nicest guy I know and I'm just shocked".

I told father how surprised I was because I loved hearing him speak "to" the kids instead of over them, etc.

He said a lot of things like "i'm so glad you came to me, let's please take this as a learning experience... what is jesus wanting us all to learn from this..." stuff that I'm always on the fence about w/ religion anyway. So part of what he said made me feel sort of OK (but not fully wonderful), and part of what he said was the religion part that I have a hard time with.

In the end, he didn't take responsibility for his words, because he kept saying he didn't recall it, and he didn't think the word was a big deal. He seemed more understanding at the end than at the beginning about it though.

I've been researching homeschooling in my area for the past few days (always getting ahead of myself), because that's really my only option. I wouldn't do our public school, and the other private schools around here are all religion-based, which I wouldn't do again if we left this school.

I like everything else about this school (well, most everything - every school has it good and bad points), but we were mainly happy here before this. BUT i've always thought about homeschooling in the back of my mind, and this has made me really start thinking about it again. So of course dh says "people think we're weird enough already for goodness sakes!" Yea, he's right on board w/ me! IT'S SO HARD deciding things for your kids!!!!!

I was ready to pull the kids out today if I had to, if father was like 'too bad, so sad!' (can you imagine him really saying that?!? ), and homeschool them the rest of the year to see how we all liked it, with the intention of... I don't know what... in the fall. sigh....

so I guess we're ok... but I'm not 100% happy, but will I ever be anyway?

I am glad you got to talk to him and make him aware that what he said was not acceptable, but please know what you are getting into if you homeschool. I teach high school science, and I can tell you from experience that unless you have a math and science background, or know someone who does you are going to have a really hard time keeping them caught up in math and science past aboput grade 3. The kids that I see in my classroom who were homeschooled for any significant amount of time between grade 4 and 8 often have wonderful writing skills and are fabulous readers, but struggle in my class because their math and science skill are seriously lacking. I realize that most homeschool parents would argue this to the death and say that it is not true, but 10 years of experience tells me that it is. The inly exception I had to this was a child whose father was a physics professor. He did fine in my class.