Caring for my family... its exhausting...

[freepixie]

Thanks everyone for your help, I'm deleting this post for personal reasons. I love you all!

 

[mechurchlady]

I have had a long day interrupted by Calvin so I am ont going to respond right now other than to say I am there and it is hard being the caregiver.

You are not a pain, whiny or annoying. You are burned out and tired from dealing with sick people and being a caregiver to two people. It is hard work and for me sometimes I want to scream at her a list of every pain and ache I am feeling but instead I do what she asks.

I send you hugs and chocolates and snugs and chocolates and hot fudge. I had a hot fudge sundae and hun chocolate is the cure for everything that ails you except for some male caused problems. Do not end up diabetic or 300 pounds because of your trouble but then again a good dose of chocolate or hot fudge or ice cream does the body good.

 

[LMC]

You need a vacation, ALONE. Even if it is just at a hotel in town for a couple of nites where you don't have to cook, clean, or do anything for anyone including yourself. Have take out and let someone else make your bed for a day or two. If you do take a friend along, make sure they understand that this is a break for you and your not doing any entertaining. I try to get away for a weekend every spring and usually invite at least one of my lady friends to go with me. I make sure they understand that I'm not cooking or cleaning up after anyone. we eat easy food (cereal, sandwiches) and go out for one really good meal.

 

[WheeledTraveler]

I agree with LMC about taking a break.

Also, I think it's worth looking into what help you might be able to get with caring for your mother and aunt. While I can understand how you probably want to help them and avoid too much disruption, you need to be able to live your life as well and it sounds like currently caring from them is such a large job that it's holding you back from doing so. If you don't want to be someone who cares for them until they die and you are left on your own, you need to be proactive in finding solutions so that can be avoided. Yes, they need the care, but you need to do things for yourself as well.

Other than caring for them is there any reason you can't move out? If that's the only issue then I definitely think it'd be worth it to look into what services they may be eligible for that will help them live independently so that you can live independently as well.

Good luck

 

[Cheshire Figment]

Check with your local govedrnment and with the insurance companies and see if you can get "caregiver respite service" which will provide or pay for a temporary caregiver while the primary (you) gets to take some time off and the ability to relax for a while.

 

[ireland_nicole]

Nicole

 

[justtobeme2]

I wish I had better words for you but I can tell you that I have been and am in your shoes. I will be 47 years old next month and I have never known a year when someone (mostly my mom who passed 3 years ago) hasn't been in the hospital with actual life threatening issues. I am single with no kids because I cared/care for my parents (father now). I can tell you that I had to start seeing a doctor for my despression. I was so thankful the day I busted my arm in 12 places because I finally got a break with 2 surgeries. As sick as that sounds it was a blessing and I feel guilty for feeling that way since my mom is gone and she was really sick at that time and I hadn't missed a day at the hospital with her (over 4 months). The arm gave me a break. I'd get so sick every day. I am sensitive person, and balling as I write this to you, so it tore/tears me up.

My brother and sister are married and have kids. I am the youngest, so they did that and moved out when I was young and my parents were young.I was the one left. I don't regret caring for my parents and I am glad I did what I did for my mom, even living with her and dad. I did find a way to move out from the home (after mom passed) and I still go every single day from 10am until 7pm to care for my dad even though I am disabled myself.

Just now I am waiting to hear because my father is having problems breathing and my sister has had to have a breast biopsi this last tuesday.

My advice to you is do everything you can for yourself and your mom and aunt but work towards a way to have your own life. Work towards making as much money as you can because with that money you can afford to pay for care. I wish I would have done that. Do everything you can not to center your WHOLE life around them. If you can go to college then do it. The things you describe dont' seem to be life threatening with them but soon they might be. Try to do what you can before it becomes that bad, not that you won't do all you can for them but you'll have a space and some time of your own.

I totally wish you the best and I know exactly where you are coming from. YOu not only need a break you need to break your life away but stay where you can do things for them. Wean them off of some of their dependence. Even if it takes a few years (it took me 2 years to pay off bills and be able to afford my own place).

One suggestion is to join a gym that you like. You can make friends and go and hang out there after/before walking or swimming or whatever. I used to do that and it helped and what can they say when you are trying to be healthy?

 

[mechurchlady]

Engulfs justtobeme2 with hugs and chocolates and warm wishes.

For me I have no freedom and must be here at 5 am, 5 pm, and midnight every single day for the rest of her life. I could go on a cruise with Calvin for under $700 if I had a passport and that is for the two of us. I could fly to WDW and find friends to help out and do a little trip bot under $1000 but right now I have New Hampshire but even that is doubtful because of mom.


Despite all the years running from her and the mental damage I love her and cannot put her in a home or day care. Too late to sell the house as the market busted and now we would get nothing. She won't work with me to use the commode in the bathroom so she makes me empty it for her from the dining room. Despite the tears and pain I love her but at times just get tired of an adult with intellect who for 80 years has been like a spoiled 3 year old.

I agree that the original poster needs respite care and to take a break.

Now I send you lots of hugs and prayers and chocolates.
Laurie

 

[freepixie]

Thanks again for all the help and words of comfort but I'm deleting this one too for personal reasons. Thanks so much and I love you all!

 

[bookwormde]

Definitely get on the phone or Internet and find out about respite care availability in your area. Do not feel guilty in the least about wanting to have some independent time (even if it is only an evening), you need it and I am sure your family wants it also. Looks like you are arriving for a little WDW medicine just as we a departing in June so that always work wonders. I would suggest that if you are looking for a second job pick one which allows for some socialization and the chance to make friends and maybe even a supportive romantic relationship (this from a very non socializing person).

bookwormde

 

[DisDreaminMom]

Big hugs, And don't ever feel bad for unloading here. You are not a whiner. You are living you life and it is hard. Don't apologize. You don't have to. Think of it this way- there are very few people anymore who do what you are doing- taking care of family. This is how the whole world worked until very recently. A long time ago, you would have been the hottest woman in town for taking on the care of your family.

And I'm with everyone else here. Make some phone calls. Eldercare or respite care should be available in your area. Try to get some help. Who cares for the caretaker? WE DO!

 

[KirstenB]

Man do you ever deserve a break!! And so do the other pp's who are caregivers to family. Please, please take care of yourself. And do NOT let yourself be guilted!! As a mom, the last thing I'd ever want is for either of our daughters to be using their youth taking care of dh or me.

If you weren't around, believe me, your mom and aunt would have to find a way to manage. And they would find a way.

And it's totally normal to have dreams and goals, like getting out more socially, finding a boyfriend, planning a wedding someday. Those were definitely my dreams when I was younger. You deserve the chance to pursue your dreams.

 

[mechurchlady]

My mother is a guilt tripper if ever. Know what you have to do and why. Set your goals and know your options. Find something you love and chase it even in your dreams.

I am canceling my New Hampshire trip. I am instead going to try to get over fears and stuff and go to Disneyland to meet a dear friend from online and spend the holiday listening to musical groups including the famous Vocal Majority as they go for their umpteenth win.

Have set rules and stick to them . WE do this and that in this order not your way. If they lay the guilt just ignore them or put them in their place ONCE. If it does not sink in then no use fighting them. Just let them hissy fit and you enjoy your chocolates. Also work on laying some guilt on them. I tend to have a worse case of scoliosis when she is in a bad mood, lol. I have two back problems so if I relax and go with the flow I can get the stooped disc related look combined with the scoliosis that has my shoulders and hip going right while my ribs go left. VEry pitiful look indeed, lol.

 

[peemagg]

Here's an idea for your Mom, remind her how much she hated her Mother guilting her to stay and that she is now doing the same to you. That might just make her stop and look at the situation and change things a bit. You don't have to be cruel, but sometimes a look in the mirror of the past is good for the future.

I agree with what you posted that they don't sound as "needy" as they are trying to make everyone believe. You need to take care of you!