Caring for Eldery Parents

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Is anyone else dealing with this now or do you know of any resources or websites that can point you towards programs or support groups for taking care of your elderly parents? What does Medicare/Medicaid cover as far as home care? Are there any services offered by the state or county? I just don't even know where to start looking. The primary care doctor is no help at all.

My sweet mother is 80 and fell and pulled her rib away from her sternum and tore her pectoral muscle. She is in so much pain and can hardly get around with her walker. My father is 79 and hospitalized with complications from his back surgery 3 weeks ago with more surgeries looming.

I am the only one of my siblings close by so it has fallen to me to try to arrange for their care. I have moved in with them on and off since Mom fell 3 weeks ago (the morning of Dad's surgery) but I can't do this full time (I have a job and kids).

Thanks for any and all information!

 

[Nik's Mom]

Hi. First off, prayers your way! My DF died of lung cancer in March. Mom is 75 and it was becoming too much for her to take care of my DF. So we called Medicare (actually Scan, their HMO medicare supplement). I think they only covered care 2 hours a day. It was enough to bathe him and that was about it. Dad died before the care-taker started. Now, my Mom is living with me. I know how it is about siblings not wanting to help. I'm in the same boat. Anyway, the best advice I can give is to check with their medicare coverage. If they are low income, your state may provide additional benefits. Since both parents are ill, you may want to consider getting power of attorney.
Sending hugs your way.

 

[SpecialK]

Talk to the social worker at the hospital where your dad is being treated. They should be able to give you a list of state, county, township and/or city agencies that can provide services. My in-laws are currently receiving help from the county office of senior services. My dad has been on a rapid decline and currently has live-in help. I know what you're going through. Hang in there.

 

[Chris2597]

I feel for you....I have been taking care of my elderly mom,85 for 10 years. She has had numerous health problems over the years but has pulled through and is still able to live in her home. She fell last April and broke her hip....so of course the care level increased....It is daunting. My sibs are of no help...they live out of state and have not raised a finger to help in the 10 yrs since our dad died....which is upsetting as they are retired, no kids at home and could easily share some of the care to give me a break..I work, have kids at home and could use the reprive...
My moms assets are more than is allowable for services....so everything is private pay...other than the typical things her med insurance covers.
Your parents med insurance should cover home health care for your dad when he gets out of the hospital for a period of time.and should be covering some PT and possibly home health to help her. PT would help your mom to regain her strength.....My mom recieved Physical and occupational therapy for a few weeks after getting out of the hospital...I hired a lady to come in a few times a week to help with meal prep, companionship (during the day when no one is there), and laundry ....but it is all private pay...
I wish there was an easy answer....but I am afraid alot of us are going to be taking care of elderly parents as meds have lengthened lives...It is really a sad state of affairs when an elderly person would be better off not having any assets....because without assets so many services become available..The social worker at the rehab where my mom went after her hip surgery told me that if she had only her home, no other assets...she would qualify for a homemaker/caregiver to come into the house 16 hrs a day.The one thing my mom qualified for is Meals on Wheels...The organization delivers a hot meal Mon-Fri...So far she likes the service...Good luck.

 

[chrissyk]

If your parents have assets, have they made a trust? If not, you need to see an attorney with them to have Medicaid planning done. We waited WAY too long to do this with my grandfather, and now that he's in a nursing home the 3 year spend-down period is horrific (to say the least). It's stressing the entire family out beyond belief. One spouse can absolutely bankrupt the other if the planning is not done appropriately. Ask around until you find a very good trust/estate planning attorney, and then make an appt. asap if you have not already done so.

Also, if they have assets, pretty much everything is private-pay. My grandfather's social worker was really useless. She was assigned after one of his many in-home injuries, and she did just about nothing. For a year, my parents kept putting them back in their own home, until eventually my grandfather was injured so badly that he ended up in the nursing home. Still, Ms. Social Worker was doing nothing. It was up to the family to figure everything out.

 

[denisenh]

Try a home health and hospice. The social worker and staff were very, very helpful to me when I was taking care of my grandmother.
A good web site:

National Family Caregivers Association

To all of you that care for your parent(s) or grandparent(s) and no other family member lifts a finger to help, even though they could have.
They will all come around the minute your loved one passes away looking for whatever they can get and to see how much money they have coming their way. Amazing, suddenly they can get themselves there. (It doesn't matter that you are the only one that is "close", my entire family lives in my city.)

My family did this and even tried to blame me for my grandmothers death.
I wasn't a bad person until my grandmother died of course. When it was just me and her trying to manage, we were non exsistent. Needless to say they don't speak to me anymore.
Sorry, its still a sore spot with me.

I do know what you are going through. All the best to you.

 

[720L]

I agree with ChrissyK----get the lawyer and Medicaid planning done! I'm not taking care of my parents, but my Mom is taking care of her parents and it has been hard. My Grandma is now in a nursing home, but in order to get the government to pay for anything, my Grandpa has had to get rid of assets and do lots of other things to help with the bills. It makes no sense to me that they worked and saved for years but now are barely able to pay for healthcare because of the obscene costs of everything. (drugs,nursing home, etc) Our government needs to take better care of our elderly, IMO. But thats probably another thread lol!

 

[DisneyMim]

I just wanted to say God Bless You. My husband (and I to a much less degree) cared for his parents for 9 years. It was very very tiring. I tried everything I could think of for outside help, but found it very lacking unless you wanted to pay for it. For a time we had nursing aids 24/7 in their home. Huge expense. I strongly advise you to please take care of yourself. My husband went through a lot and many times looked sick himself. There is another sibling, but as we all know, most times a lot falls on one person. My husband went through cancer a couple of years after both of them died and I can't help but think that the stress contributed to it. Don't give up. The primary care doctors don't know much about stuff like this sometimes, but maybe an advocate from the hospital can help. Don't hesitate to ask a lot of questions to get the help you need. Take care of your kids. My kids grew up during the 9 years of our caring for in-laws. I always tried to make sure our kids were not pushed aside. We always took vacations and did family things. At times it wasn't easy. My husband did not want his mother to go in a nursing home, but in the end it had to happen. Actually it was easier on us than when she was still home (his Dad had passed by then). ABOVE ALL, don't let anyone try to tell you what is best for your family. Only YOU know what is best. Sorry for the rambling, but you just brought back a ton of memories and if I can help anyone not go through what we went through it would be worth it. Take care of yourself and best of luck.

I just wanted to add that I go along with the other posters. The government needs to help our elderly. It's a shame that people work so hard their whole lives and then get nothing and they lose money too. I had so many fights with government people because of my in-laws. My FIL was a WWII vet, went into the concentration camps after the war was over to help, he had such horrific memories and still when I called the VA for help they did nothing. After he died they wouldn't even pay my MIL benifits until we spent tons of time and energy. I don't mean to scare you just a FYI to get informed before you have problems like we did.

Good Luck and God Bless.

 

[Disney Doll]

An attorney or social services agency that specializes in elderly issues is probably the best place to start.

In general terms, Medicare pays for hospitalization and will pay for some nursing home care for a max of 120 days if the person is receiving skilled care....skilled care is something that has to be done by a nurse or physical therapist, such as a dressing change, physical therapy. Feeding, washing, dressing are NOT considered skilled care, so if that is the type of help your mother needs in a nursing home, Medicare will not pay. As far as homecare, Medicare's rules are basically the same. Everything is based on the need for skilled care. If she needs skilled care, she will be eligible for some home health aide (nurses aide) care, but it is usally 2 hours per day 3 days per week. Even if they give you more, the max home health aide amount is 28 hours per week, which boils down to 4 hours per day and believe me, you have to be half dead to get them to justify 4 hours of home health aide per day.

Medicaid is slightly different, and I am not as well-versed in that, as I have had no perosnal experinece.

Did you mother have a long term care insurance plan, by any chance? If so, that may pay toward some of her care. If not, she will probably have to pay for a lot privately. Of course, she and your Dad worked hard for their money so it should be used to care for them if necessary, I guess.

These are not easy times...caring for an elderly relative is extremely draining.

 

[Disneyrsh]

Ugh, I'm trying to deal with this with my grandmother long distance right now. She's in a very expensive assisted living home that my uncle talked her into (and out of the moderate one that I had found for her), and then he talked her into giving him power of attorney and he burned through the 100K in graduated CD's that I had helped set up for her in less than 6 months.

She now has 6k left and is calling me all freaked out because her assisted living people have told her she's out of money.

My uncle used her money to pay his mortgage (he quit his job) and to buy himself two new trucks. Unbelievable.

She gets about 1500 a month from the government from my grandfather's pension, which she didn't know about because my uncle told her she was 'broke'. My uncle then tried to talk my mother (who does not get along with her) into taking my grandmother while he kept power of attorney (and all the money).

My mom said, hey, you got power of attorney, you have the responsibility, have a nice day.

I told my grandmother (who thinks the uncle walks on water) that when she gave him power of attorney, that she didn't get to come crying to us when he spent it all (has been doing it for years and years-using parents as personal funding).

I had set her up with a financial manager at the bank that she was supposed to meet with once a month to discuss finances, etc. She should have been fine for at least 5 years before going through all of that money (she's 85 and I was doing the odds). And then her son steps in, screws it all up, and then says, oh, the family needs to step in and support her. Yeah, right.

Such a drag, and we knew it would happen.

We're waiting for the grandmother to show up on somebody's doorstep now...

They need a tv show called "How Not to Become A Burden".

 

[Figment2]

Try calling Catholic Charities if you have one in your area. Also many states have a Dept. on aging that can provide information.

My Aunt and my Mom live together with a 24 hr. caretaker and I hold power of attorney for both. I recently put together packages that I leave at their house for emergency use. In their package is a current list of their prescriptions, copies of their Health Care power of attorney and their living will. I actually put two copies of the power of attorney and living will in there. One for the ambulance co. and one for the hospital. I work in downtown Chicago so it's not so easy for me to get to the hospital immediately.

Chris & Nik's Mom - I totally understand what you are going through. I have one brother here and one in VA. The one here does the minimum and I barely speak to him. Most times I hang up on him since my Mom had her stroke last year. When I have a crying jag, his response is to "buck up, it's life." My Mom used to be an independent, creative, crafty person. He thinks she should be happy to sit in her wheelchair and watch TV all day. There are times I want to strangle him (and his wife).

Hugs.

Cyn

 

[chrissyk]

Ugh, I'm trying to deal with this with my grandmother long distance right now. She's in a very expensive assisted living home that my uncle talked her into (and out of the moderate one that I had found for her), and then he talked her into giving him power of attorney and he burned through the 100K in graduated CD's that I had helped set up for her in less than 6 months.

She now has 6k left and is calling me all freaked out because her assisted living people have told her she's out of money.

My uncle used her money to pay his mortgage (he quit his job) and to buy himself two new trucks. Unbelievable.

She gets about 1500 a month from the government from my grandfather's pension, which she didn't know about because my uncle told her she was 'broke'. My uncle then tried to talk my mother (who does not get along with her) into taking my grandmother while he kept power of attorney (and all the money).

My mom said, hey, you got power of attorney, you have the responsibility, have a nice day.

I told my grandmother (who thinks the uncle walks on water) that when she gave him power of attorney, that she didn't get to come crying to us when he spent it all (has been doing it for years and years-using parents as personal funding).

I had set her up with a financial manager at the bank that she was supposed to meet with once a month to discuss finances, etc. She should have been fine for at least 5 years before going through all of that money (she's 85 and I was doing the odds). And then her son steps in, screws it all up, and then says, oh, the family needs to step in and support her. Yeah, right.

Such a drag, and we knew it would happen.

We're waiting for the grandmother to show up on somebody's doorstep now...

They need a tv show called "How Not to Become A Burden".

OMG, I'm sorry but power of attorney does NOT give someone the right to spend someone else's money on themself!! It sounds like you need to get grandma a lawyer, because what her son did was financial abuse of an elderly person. That is just awful.

 

[froglady]

Re the relative spending all the assets:

It sounds like she may end up on Medicaid, and if so, they will look back for the last 3 years to see if any assets were "spent down." When they see the amount of money spent, your relative will have to show proof that the money was used for reasonable expenses, or he will have to pay it back.

My next door neighbor went through this with his mother, and he said they looked at EVERYTHING. I have POA for my mother, and I keep a folder with all of the receipts, etc for any money I spend on her behalf, or anytime I use her money. ie, today I'll go grocery shopping without her, so will have to withdraw money from her account. I keep the receipt from the ATM and staple it to the grocery receipt, with a note as to what happened to rest of the money.

And your right; DM keeps insisting that anything "left" should be divided 5 ways, even though I'm the only one taking care of her. I guess my reward will be the example I'm setting for my children; the same will be true of my nieces and nephews.

 

[brerrabbit]

I completely understand what your going through. I was an only child and born very late in my parents life. In 2000 we moved my parents to the town where we live in an apartment. My Father was in stage 1 Alzheimers and my Mother who has never been a pleasant person was always complaining. Things were okay till my Mother fell and broke her hip. After a long hospital stay she came home and needed care. We hired a worker to come in during the week and provide care for both of them. Three months after my Mother got out of the hospital she was disgusted with my Father and told my wife and myself that we had until Friday to get him out of her house or she would take care of it. Well my Father was not well and was shakey walking and my Mother was using a walker. The caregiver had told us for several weeks that she suspected my Mother of trying to hurt my Father. On the Friday which was the ultimatum given by my Mother I received a call from the caregiver that my Father had fallen and she feared he had broken his hip. I go there as soon as I could and sure enough the ambulance was there and took him to the hospital. The caregiver called me aside and told me that she was certain that my Mother had pushed my Father down causing the broken hip. She was in the Kitchen but came around the corner to see my mother lifting her walker to try and hit him on the floor. My Father never left the hospital and died from complications less than thirty days later. I have had a very hard time even seeing my Mother since then. They were not wealthy people and I have since had to put her in a nursing home to provide care. We are rapidly approaching the end of her money and I have no idea what I am going to do. She could never live with us as she is in a wheelchair and I could never ask my wife to stay at home and provide her care. Her SS and small retirement check fall over a $1,000 per month short of providing for her care. We have sought every resource we can think of and virtually every source has been a dead end. The only option we have been given is when she runs out of money is to apply for Medicaid and they would assign her to a care facility and take her SS payments and her small retirement payment of $400 a month. Unfortunatley we are with a year of having to go that route.

The whole situation is really complicated for me by the fact that I still blame her for causing my Fathers death.

 

[Disneyrsh]

Unfortunately, lawyers are not free. And rarely work for goodwill...

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Thanks everyone. I will start with the social worker at the hospital since Dad is still there. I left a message with the local council on the aging so hopefully we can get some answers from them too.

My Mom's PCP refuses to write orders for a nursing home even though she does desperately need some PT. She just sits in her chair all day and watches TV. She can barely get up to walk to the bathroom with the help of her walker. My sisters and I are splitting the cost of a home health aide to come in a couple of hours a day a few days a week to help with light housekeeping and bathing Mom but even that is getting very expensive.

My parents had me late in life (I'm 36 and they are 79 and 80) and it is quite a challenge taking care of them and my 2 kids (ages 7 and 11) at the same time. My children have noticed the lack of participation by my 4 siblings (they have each spent a total of 36 hours in town with my parents since this happened 3 weeks ago) and have commented on it without me saying a word. I did tell my oldest daughter after she made a comment about one of my sisters not even calling to check on my parents that I hope she never treats me that way. She promised she never would (should I get that in writing? lol).

 

[denisenh]

I did tell my oldest daughter after she made a comment about one of my sisters not even calling to check on my parents that I hope she never treats me that way. She promised she never would (should I get that in writing? lol).

I am sure that you have lovely children....but don't count on your kids helping you in your time of need. My grandmothers only living child was completely useless to her. She was always there for him though, in her younger days.

Anyway, he was made executor of her Will and then he found out that he was disinherited. He took what he wanted from her estate though, including all of her furniture. He charged the estate the moving costs...three grand +.
I am sure that this kind of thing happens all the time. It is just too easy to do. So much for Wills.

Thank goodness I took care of her free of any charge (I loved my grandmother very much.) for 2 years. Because if I hadn't, my sisters and father wouldn't have gotten a thing. It would have all been spent down by nursing home fees.

 

[SpecialK]

We're in the same boat. My parents also had me later in life and I had my kids later in life...my boys are 8 and 10. It's so difficult to not feel like you're neglecting someone. My oldest sister doesn't even call my dad (but she'll be the first one there when it comes time to settle the estate) and I pretty much had to manipulate my next oldest sister to pitch in more. To her credit, she is taking on more responsibility lately.
Senior services in our area will provide home health aides on a sliding scale depending upon your mom's income. My in-laws qualify for 4 hours per day, 5 days a week for no charge. They are also in an HMO and struggle to get help. Even though it's uncomfortable to do, keep badgering the PCP. Sometimes they'll find a way if you make yourself enough of a nuisance. Best to you-