Can't stop fighting about the in-laws

[Carnie]

As hard as it is, just stay home.

You aren't "allowed" to visit the rest of the family if you don't shut up and take the nonsense from your MIL??? Not "allowed"????

Who is making this rule? And if the rest of the family seems to think that this is a reasonable request, well, I certainly wouldn't want to be spending time with them either.

 

[portocall]

OP, been there, done that. It took many many years for my husband to stand up and defend me against his parents, but one day he finally did. Things didn't start out bad between us, so in DH's defense, I don't think that he quite realized how bad it was. It wasn't until we went to visit them and he heard her attacking me and our children that got to him. Before that it was done very in a very subtle manner in front of him and not so subtle when he was not there to witness.

I have terminated as much as possible the relationship with the MIL. I still like FIL. Sadly I also terminated what relationship my children had with them as well. Truthfully, they used to live down the road, but now live in another state so it was easier to do. We just don't go, though I do allow occasional telephone conversations. I didn't tell her I was terminating the relationship, I just did it. It was much easier for me to do that as I do tend to shy away from confrontation.

Before DH stood up for me, we had quite a few doozie arguements. After he heard just how nasty she really was, he apologizes quite often that he didn't do it sooner.

 

[mpls_mm]

I am going on 12 years with a woman that has caused us a lot of grief. In the beginning I took it so personally, I felt like my husband always backed her and jumped when she said jump. I started avoiding functions and we even separated over the whole thing. We got back together and I resolved to have a thicker skin. He mentioned one day that he thought she was getting crazier, I said crazier? He told me that everyone thought she was insane, I mean bat **** crazy. It never came up before, he thought I knew. He and his siblings never argued with her because she is nuts. Now the whole thing is funny, we give each other looks and have watched her crazy escalate over the years. Now he is more irritated by her than I am. But he just invited her to Disney with us, and we are driving 20+hours each way, she has been dying to go for 62 years and it's her lifes dream. We are betting on how she will go nuts on the way there. So maybe your MIL is a little off and doesn't even realize it and the family is so used to is that they just cut her slack.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

I just don't know what to do anymore. Dh and I can't stop fighting about our relationship with his parents. I am at the end of my rope. I feel so unsupported by him. His mother is so nasty towards me (long history there), and dh refuses to defend me to her because he says, "what's the point?". She is never wrong, in her opinion of course, and she defends herself until the cows come home. He thinks there's no point arguing with her, because we'll just go in circles. He admits she is very disturbed and has a lot of serious issues, but feels helpless to do anything to help.

His silence feels like a betrayal to me. We went to therapy, but it didn't work. I just feel so alone. It seems so unfair that she says and does whatever she wants to me, but I have to suck it up and say nothing to defend myself for fear of starting another big fight. We don't even see the in-laws very often (probably once a month), but those visits are absolute torture for me. We've talked about me just ending my relationship with them completely and never see them anymore, but wouldn't that open up a whole other can of worms/problems?

Does anyone out there have any success stories pertaining to relationships with their in-laws? Can a bad relationship ever get better? I'm worried about my marriage.

I have been married for 20 years, and my MIL was the exact same way - she had nothing nice to say to me or about me, ever. She did not get along with my FIL, and since he actually really liked me, she did not. I almost divorced my DH because it hurt me so bad that he didn't seem to care enough about our marriage to defend me when his mom was being awful.

Really, for me, that was the crux of it, the fact that my husband did no defend me, because he didn't think it would change anything, and he would rather have me upset and hurt than to stand up to his mom. She treated him like the sun rose and set upon him, he was so wonderful, but even our children were treated poorly by her, because hey, they came from me! He didn't stand up to her, even when she was mean to our children. It just wasn't worth it to him. This made me feel like me and our children were just not worth it to him, either.

Eventually, I just didn't go to see her anymore, and did not let our children go to see her, either. It still hurts me that my DH did not stand up to her, but after 20 years of marriage, I suppose his other redeeming qualities have helped me push down that hurt and not constantly beg him to tell his mom to stop being mean to me and our children.

One and a half years ago, my MIL had a couple of strokes that she did recover from. Now, she is incredibly nice to me and our children! It is as if all the words and actions of the previous 18 years never happened. I don't mind answering the phone now if she happens to call, and the kicker, she has set up savings accounts for our children this past year and also paid some of eldest DD's college tuition! Sure, she did this for all the other grandchildren since the day they were born, but I am thrilled she is acknowledging my children now, when she never did before. I would have been happy even if she had just started being nice to them, but she has gone beyond that, and I am still amazed at the change.

I suppose what I am trying to say is, things can change. They may not, but you just never know. You may feel like your husband isn't holding your worth above his mother's, but if he has other qualities that are still there from when you married him, focus on those redeeming qualities. Yes, you are hurt, it is so painful to feel that your spouse is not protecting you from the hurt his family is causing. Try to remove yourself from his family, and see if that can help you clear the cloud of disappointment you have in your husband right now, and perhaps then you will be able to focus on whatever positives are in your marriage. Sadly, accepting that he will not change is going to be incredibly hard, and very hurtful and disappointing, but if your marriage is strong otherwise, you will be able to put this aside.

And as I always told myself (after I entertained the thought of divorcing my DH because he didn't stand up for me), leaving DH would be the one thing that would make the MIL happy, so there was no way I would give her that satisfaction!

Similar situation with my soon to be mom-in-law... I get along with FIL fine. We dont see them often, as OP, but when we do, it's just so much negativity about everything. She wants total control over DF life, and until this past month, she has had nothing to do with our kids, which was hurtful to me as much as DF. She's just a mean, hateful, unhappy person. And, my DF doesn't stand up to her either. THe majority of our fights are about her, and he keeps asking if he's supposed to cut ties with them because I dont like them... and I just want him to defend me to them...
We've talked about what vows and a family mean, and our family is who he should care for now, not his mom... but she has him following her every whim. Thank God they are a couple hrs away and too rude to visit often

 

[Diva of Dragons]

DH and I never fought about his parents but he also would never stand up to them. I had to fight his battles and mine. Finally, I was just done! I told that trying to have a relationship with them was like having a chronic disease. We spent all of our free time talking and complaining about them and I needed my life back.

Cutting them off 16 years ago was the healthiest thing I ever did for myself. I told him, "You have whatever relationship you need to have with them but I am out. I can make it better. I have bent over backward to make everything OK and it's just not my mission in life to appease them and take their crap."

That was it. His relationship with them has been a roller coaster but he tends to stay away from them as much as possible. They moved 100 miles away, which helped, but he only talks to them on occasion and sees them a couple times a year. I have no bitterness toward them, I just can't have them in my life and I have never regretted it. Of course, it helps that DH was fine with it. he knew I wasn't doing to spite anyone but that it was an act of self-preservation.

Good luck!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I wasn't forbidden in a dramatic sense from seeing the rest of the family. The inlaws simply told dh that if I chose not to see them anymore, than I was no longer welcome to join other big family events. We live far enough away from dh's family, that we couldn't see extended family on a separate occasion since we only get to their area for special occasions. It may have been different if we lived closer, but even then we both felt it would put the extended family in an uncomfortable position.

Dh does support me in one sense. He agrees that his mother has issues. Also, I'm almost to the point where I understand why he doesn't defend me to her. It would accomplish nothing, and just cause even more tension between everyone. What is still bothering me tremendously is what he says to me in private. Instead of being supportive and saying that he's sorry I had to turn the other cheek yet again, he instead tells me how he thinks I SHOULD have reacted differently. He'll say that I was a bit too abrupt or sharp in my reaction, whereas he would have preferred if I just walked away or changed the subject. He says that I can't expect her to like me (or be civil to me), if I sharply say anything to her in my defense. To me, he's basically telling me to roll over and play dead.

As some of you have pointed out, I am an adult and I shouldn't put myself through this anymore. I agree with you. I'm probably wrong for being angry at dh and should have more sympathy for him being stuck in the middle. I'm just not there yet. I'm sick and tired of having to change my behavior while MIL can say and do whatever she wants. I realize that I could always just not see her anymore, but I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to that for dh's sake. Thanks for all your replies as it helps tremendously.

Who died and made her God? You know you don't have to uphold that don't you? (first bolded)

I guess at this point you have to give me an example of what she is saying....

Maybe you can do work on some techiques to help you with being able to handle some who is off their rocker so you don't have to go thru cutting off family. (second bolded)

Your DH is probably not the "go to" person to figure out how to do that, obviously. And secondly, you need to explain to your dh that is not helping and being a jerk.

Perhaps, both of you need to work on your communication skills with each other?

 

[Wishing on a star]

I needed my life back.
...
and it's just not my mission in life to appease them and take their crap."

OMG!!!! You have just SO hit the nail on the head!!!!!

I would LOVE to have my life back.

People like our DHs have been raised that it is their GOD given duty to always comply and roll over and keep quiet and 'appease'. ( GOD given as in, narcissistic MIL/FIL 'I am god' parents.....) They honestly do not have the capability or viewpoint to see that it is unrealistic and inappropriate and not 'healthy' to expect their spouse to devote their lives to doing the same. Even if the DO realize that their parents have serious issues.

I am nearly 50.... And, feel like, at this point, I may never 'have my life'.

Since FIL passed away ( I didn't speak to my inlaws after the incident that I described until after FIL passed away ) Now, DH thinks it is his 'duty' to always be there, every weekend, every holiday, etc... etc.. etc... because his mom is now 'old and alone'. (God forbid he doesn't serve and appease her)

On his mothers side of the family, she has had many female relatives live into their 90's.... I sit here knowing that I still do not really have 'my' life, and that I could be 70 years old, and DH (and I) could still be catering to his mother.

God, if I could only seen these issues coming before DH and I were married. They either would have been addressed THEN, or I might have runnnnnnnnn.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I wasn't forbidden in a dramatic sense from seeing the rest of the family. The inlaws simply told dh that if I chose not to see them anymore, than I was no longer welcome to join other big family events.

Notice "The inlaws simply told DH..." Not MIL/'her'.
It sounds like a 'family' thing....
Even if it is clear that they are 'rolling over' to appease MIL.
If that is how the feel....
If they do not wish to welcome you...
ummmmm...... BUH-BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[disneydreamersx4]

OP said: Does anyone out there have any success stories pertaining to relationships with their in-laws? Can a bad relationship ever get better? I'm worried about my marriage

I've been there....I stopped seeing my inlaws for about 4 years, that meant I didn't even go to weddings with my DH because they would be there. During those 4 years, DH would go see his parents and I would keep myself busy that day, it was hard but I managed. But then, about 2 years ago, DH got sick and had to go to the hospital and I saw inlaws there...we were cordial. When he got better, we went to inlaws house and we just reconciled without ever going into the past. So it can happen. Now, we spend about two days a month with them, holidays, like Mother's Day tomorrow, we're going there. MIL only made a comment once to me that whatever happened between us in the past, she's glad that we got over it

Good luck OP, but I think maybe you do need to step away from inlaws and if you need to go see another therapist or a pastor try too, with DH if he is willing to go. Your feelings should come first with him.

 

[scottishduffy]

The IL's said you couldn't see the rest of the family if you cut contact with them? How on earth does she plan to enforce that and WHY would you go along with it? Dodge the IL's from now on, and then hop in the car and go with DH to whatever family events you want. What can MIL do about it?

In that situation I would have a very serious sit down with DH. Tell him that if he was not willing to stand up for his wife, then I was not willing to go be with the IL's. Stop hanging out with them, end the problem there.

 

[WeLoveLilo05]

Just wanted to give
Hope everything works out for you!

 

[Mickeyistheman]

As a granchild, let me tell you about in laws....they are horrible.

My stepfather's family truly disliked my mother and she went above and beyond on every occassion just to make things peaceful since there 3 children involved.

This is a war you will never win and I'm sorry, my stepfather should have defended my mother, they are now getting seperated which should have happened years ago. But it took her this long to stand up for herself.

You have to nip it in the bud now or you will live a life in misery. A family divided where your children are invited to gatherings however you are not welcome.

Yeah real nice, all I have to say is Karma.

 

[eliza61]

I agree with everyone else. Stop going to your in-laws. Tell your husband they are his parents and he's in charge of visiting them because the conditions are unmanageable.

Quit going to visit! If this opens up a new can of worms as you said, it will be your DH's problem not yours. There is no reason for you to put up with this.

Cut them out of your life. I have had issues with my FIL and I decided that for me to be truly happy I needed to sever the relationship. I will be cordial to him when he says "Hi" but if i see that it's him calling on the caller ID I will not answer and I don't make a point of holding a conversation with him -- just an occasional "hello" when we are in a room together. I have to say I am much happier and my husband fully supports my decision.

For whatever reason your husband is wimping out on you so you need to defend yourself.
Tell hubby you will no longer tolerate some one abusing you. why would anyone? he can either deal with his parents or you will do whatever is necessary to stop the abuse and he can deal with that.

I am so not into masochism. I'm not dealing with pain and bs because I'm in love with you.

 

[Inigo]

OP said: Does anyone out there have any success stories pertaining to relationships with their in-laws? Can a bad relationship ever get better? I'm worried about my marriage.

My MIL has been a harsh person for the last 20 years or so. Now that she has alzheimers/Dementia, we have a great relationship as I know it's the disease. I'm one of her favorite people because I just go with it. (Now if I could just get my husband's sister to understand the dementia. She takes all my MIL's anger personally. ARGHHH!)

 

[Disney Doll]

Change yourself, because you're not changing her.
If you don't want to go, don't go. If that means you can't go to any of the fmaily functions...well, I wonder why you would want to spend time with sucha bunch of spineless wimps anyway? These people are all adults (your DH included) and "Mommy" still dictates what they will and won't do, who they will and won't socialize with? Please...

Sounds like you'll be better off without any of them...DH included.

 

[Nancyg56]

Change yourself, because you're not changing her.
If you don't want to go, don't go. If that means you can't go to any of the fmaily functions...well, I wonder why you would want to spend time with sucha bunch of spineless wimps anyway? These people are all adults (your DH included) and "Mommy" still dictates what they will and won't do, who they will and won't socialize with? Please...

Sounds like you'll be better off without any of them...DH included.

MTE! My DH family is "odd" so he used to go visit his nephews without me. We decided that he needed to keep contact with his nephews because they had nothing to do with the way their mother behaved. He brought out little DGD with him one Sunday and his sister was nasty to her. That was the line he refused to cross so he has not seen any of them since. If your DH wants to visit let him. I would not go.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, you guys know that I am speaking from experience, BTDT....

Let's not jump on the 'bash the DH' bandwagon just yet.

He has told his wife, the OP, that he knows his mother has issues, and that he is pretty much on his wife's side. I can see how he just can't quite see how hard it is for his wife to do what he and his family have always done - which is roll-over, keep quiet, and appease. That may take a while yet.

I am not so sure that the DH occasionally seeing his mother is all that bad. She IS his mother, after all.

It was worse, MUCH worse, with my DH.... It was like forever before he ever began to see that his parents may have a few issues, and weren't perfect gods you know. He never really was firmly 'on my side'... And he expected me to spend every weekend, every holiday, every EVERYTHING, with his parents.. rolling over and 'keeping quiet'.

Feel free to bash my DH...

But, honestly, I am not so sure that we should start a bash-the-DH bandwagon in the OP's case.....

If he has admitted that he knows his MIL has issues and that her behaviors are inappropriate, then, based on my experiences, he is halfway there. Maybe a work in progress???

OP, if you truly do feel that your MIL is treating you inappropriately/adversarily/etc... If it feels 'toxic'....
Then I agree with the preponderance of advice here....
Make your OWN decision... and then 'OWN' your decision...
No whining...
End the arguing...
Very simply, make your decision, discussion and argument over...
And, live by it.

 

[Disney Doll]

My late DMIL, who I got along with just fine, had a strong personality which probably could have become overbearing had my DH not made sure that she was well aware that in a "battle" between her and me, I'd win. He also knew that I would do my utmost not to put him into that position and that as long as his mother and I mutually respected each other, we would all be fine. He also knew that I would even be willing to "bend" on the less important things, but that there were a few "lines in the sand" that would not be crossed...not many, but a few. Really, for the most part I respected that she was his mother & truly did not ever want to make DH choose. Plus, the fact that I knew he would stand with me when push came to shove made me very amenable about not wanting push to come to shove.

I have little sympathy or respect for a grown man who cannot stand up to his mother and explain to her that while he loves her very much, his wife is the person with whom he is building his life.

 

[scottishduffy]

Okay, you guys know that I am speaking from experience, BTDT....

Let's not jump on the 'bash the DH' bandwagon just yet.

He has told his wife, the OP, that he knows his mother has issues, and that he is pretty much on his wife's side. I can see how he just can't quite see how hard it is for his wife to do what he and his family have always done - which is roll-over, keep quiet, and appease. That may take a while yet.

I am not so sure that the DH occasionally seeing his mother is all that bad. She IS his mother, after all.

That almost makes it worse in my view! He admits his mother is in the wrong, but still refuses to do anything about it. "Well, honey, I know she is wrong, I know it hurts you.... but I am not really going to do anything about that."

I have a crazy MIL as well, but thankfully my DH has been on my side and stood his ground toward her since day one.We only recently (in the past 6 months) had begun speaking with her again after almost a year of silence. This year of silence resulted from MIL continuing to be disrespectful toward me, toward DH's father (divorced for 26 years but she still insists on trash talking him to DH), and attempting to manipulate and guilt us. DH had told her that until she could apologize for her behavior and treat his wife and father with respect she was not welcome to speak with us. This was not my doing, it was all DH and was the result of years of attempting to negotiate with her. A full year later she apologized and things have been going well since then. We see her regularly and her attitude is much improved.

This woman has done many crazy things toward me.... but it doesn't bother me a bit because at least DH will call her on it everytime. Her most famous incident was calling my parents 2 weeks before our wedding to tell my parents I was a skank and was going to ruin her sons life, she then demanded they call off the wedding since I was total trash. Geez, we had been dating 6 yrs so it wasn't like the marriage was a surprise!

I expect my DH to not allow anyone to disrespect his wife or his family, and I would do the same for him. I expect that any decision made between us as a couple will be presented as a "we" decision to all parents, and neither one of us will throw a spouse under the bus if our parents are not in agreement with a decision.

I am just dumbfounded when adults have trouble standing up to their parents. I find it profoundly immature if you are a grown person and can't set your own boundaries. It isn't easy to do, but we have both done it multiple times.

 

[Nancyg56]

I think that the consequences of allowing this behavior are much worse than hurt feelings. Once it becomes clear that treating IL's badly, that freezing people out unless disrespectful treatment is tolerated, that Mom or Dad is less important than Gram...........well that behavior rolls downhill.

Children always learn from their parents how to treat others and they learn the pecking order from them. The last thing I would ever want to teach my son is that in this family his sife takes a back seat to his mother. I would never teach my daughter that she must tolerate rudeness from her MIL because that is what she saw her own mother do.

I would never step between my DH and his family but I would expect him to support any decision I made if I was not treated well. I wold never let my own children watch me lie down like a rug while anyone trounced on me and then have DH show tham that was how it was supposed to be.

As I have said, my IL's are not welcoming to"outsiders" and that is their perogative. I never felt the need to put up with that nonsense either. I would never have asked my DH to stay away from his family but there is no way either one of us would participate in teaching our family that disrespectful behavior is acceptable.