can't believe what my DMom said to me!

[LiLIrishChick63]

two things before i go any further

#1 this post isn't to debate gay rights. i don't want it turning into that, that's not what this is about

#2 my DMom and i have never really gotten along, even when i was little we always had different opinions on everything and we never saw eye to eye on anything.


so DMom and i both have facebook accounts and a friend of mine, who is gay, became a fan of "gay rights" and i support gay rights, so i also became a fan.

a few days later my DM came over to visit and right in the middle of a conversation she cut me off to say "just so you know, i know YOU'RE angry about it, but i'm happy that they didn't pass the gay marriage law here in New York"

that's fine and all if that's your opinion..really! i encourage people to have their own opinions on things but...she completely cut me off, changed the subject, and knew that it would upset me when she said it.

she went on to tell me "people are going to think you're gay if you support gay rights"(i'm 25, married, been with the same guy for 8 years...i'm not gay i just have gay friends).

i was kind of shocked so i didn't say anything to her about it for a few days but i called her up and i said "you know....that kind of upset me when you said that. not even so much because you don't agree with me, but because you knew that i would be upset about it."

she went on to tell me that apparently i had said something "offensive" to her(she had neck surgery a few months ago and she keeps saying how much pain she's in and i keep telling her to go get some physical therapy on it and see if it helps and she keeps saying no, so i told her "i don't know what else to tell you, you're in pain and i'm trying to tell you to get help for it and you don't want to" apparently that was offensive) so she decided to come back at me with a comment that she knew would offend me.

what is that!? what kind of mother does that? i mean....i knew she wasn't the greatest mother in the world but she was still my mother...i didn't think she would ever do something like that just to make me angry on purpose, you know?

 

[lewdyan1]

That stinks.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well it may not be totally this below, however you mother has a need to make things "about her".


Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the diagnostic classification system used in the United States, as "a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy."[1]
The narcissist is described as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal adequacy, power, and prestige.[2] Narcissistic personality disorder is closely linked to self-centeredness

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

 

[Jennasis]

Holy heck...maybe my MIL and your mom should get together? NO loving mother would ever say something to purposely upset their child for revenge. On Christmas Eve, MIL picked a fight with DH (because he didn't invite her out to NYE dinner with us). The tirade ended with her telling him he should kill himself.

I am so sorry your mom hurt you. Here's a huge hug! {{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Sorry your mom hurt you. That's just messed up.

I've got a couple of DSDs that would love to swap stories with you. Could keep you all entertained for hours, unfortunately.

 

[DeluxePrincess]

Never "friend" your parents on Facebook!

 

[kellyg403]

Well it may not be totally this below, however you mother has a need to make things "about her".


Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the diagnostic classification system used in the United States, as "a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy."[1]
The narcissist is described as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal adequacy, power, and prestige.[2] Narcissistic personality disorder is closely linked to self-centeredness

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

Its funny how many people I know that fit in this category

OP...I don't know why some people make things so totally about themselves or want you to have all the answers and then make you feel bad on purpose. It stinks. I am the type of person that always looks at situations from the point of what did 'I' do to make this situation worse and can "I' make it better. I have daily interactions with people who think they deserve everything, everything you do is 'personal' because you don't like them, you are are mean etc. Yet everyone of those people are the first ones to say well so and so did such and such and nobody said anything. And no, I am not talking about kids...GROWN ADULTS with this mindset.

Your mom was wrong. Period. So, you are not a dr. and you don't have all the answers. She has the tools available to her to get the right course of action started. She obviously had a dr to do the surgery. She then decides you are not sympathetic enough and decideds to SHOW you. Yeah..I wouldn't bother to even worry about it. I would learn how to change my reactions to her. You know how she is, you don't want to sever the relationship because she is your mother, so now all you can do is change how you feel when she pulls a stunt. She is doing it on purpose. If it were me, I would become more bluntly honest with her. That way when she retaliates I would know it was because she couldn't take the truth!

Kelly

 

[KatelynnsAuntie]

The tirade ended with her telling him he should kill himself.

WHAT??? Your MIL told her son to kill himself????

 

[clovergirl5]

Never "friend" your parents on Facebook!

Sorry op your mom hurt you. Here is a hug Words hurt thats for sure.

 

[famofsix]

mothers are weird

 

[Jennasis]

WHAT??? Your MIL told her son to kill himself????

Yes...yes she did. DH was/is still devastated. My heart is just broken for him. It's a long story, but suffice to say that the relationship between DH and his mother has been damaged severely by her, and forever changed. DH said she is no longer "my mom"...she is now, "mother".

 

[famofsix]

Yes...yes she did. DH was/is still devastated. My heart is just broken for him. It's a long story, but suffice to say that the relationship between DH and his mother has been damaged severely by her, and forever changed. DH said she is no longer "my mom"...she is now, "mother".

that's awful I can't beleive any mother would tell her son to kill himself

 

[ChrizJen]

OP, I agree that your mom has some "issues" beyond just being rude and inconsiderate. Just do your best to try and not stoop to her level.
HUGS to you.
I have a friend who has always had issues with her mom, and she now just avoids talking to her altogether. It's sad really, but her mom refuses to see that she has a problem, and my friend refuses to continue to let her mom drag her down.
Good luck!

 

[tazdev3225]

OP I am really sorry that you are going through this. I have had issues with my mom through the years but we have always been able to work through things.
I can believe some of the stories that have just been posted after seeing what my DS and DDIL go through with her "mother". DDIL moved in with us before she was out of high school because she was thrown out of the house at midnight, the day after her 18th birthday. They didn't need to support her anymore as she was legally an adult. DDIL has had problems with her credit dating back to when she was 5 y/o because her mother used her info to write bad checks. When DDIL's sister got pregnant the mother told her that she hopes the baby and her both die. My DDIL has written her "mother" out of her life. My DGS has not seen his other grandparents in over 4 years. Every so often the mother will send her a hate filled letter just to get under her skin. A loose quote from Parenthood, "You need a license to own a dog but they'll let any ***** be a parent." I will take my mother any day over some of the ones I havew heard about on here and be thankful.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

Well it may not be totally this below, however you mother has a need to make things "about her".


Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the diagnostic classification system used in the United States, as "a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy."[1]
The narcissist is described as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal adequacy, power, and prestige.[2] Narcissistic personality disorder is closely linked to self-centeredness

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

that does kind of sound like her. she had the hardest time when i moved out and i had my own life and it no longer revolved around HER. she'd get angry if i didn't call her back one day, i'd have worked like 10 hours and had to drive a half hour to and from work and some days i just wanted to come home, eat dinner, and then crash on the couch and she'd get angry with me for not calling her. she definatly has some serious mental issues. i know she was seeing a therapist for a bit. my father told me, i "wasn't supposed to know" so i don't say anything to her about it, but i guess she hasn't been going lately...go figure!

Holy heck...maybe my MIL and your mom should get together? NO loving mother would ever say something to purposely upset their child for revenge. On Christmas Eve, MIL picked a fight with DH (because he didn't invite her out to NYE dinner with us). The tirade ended with her telling him he should kill himself.

I am so sorry your mom hurt you. Here's a huge hug! {{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}

that's horrible that she said that to him!

my mother tries to lay a guilt trip on me. like when she was scheduling her surgery, i had made plans to go to Disney World in October and i made the plans in like March. well in November she scheduled her surgery and it was during the week that i had my trip planned and she got angry with ME and said something like "well i'll just reschedule and i won't tell ANYONE when i'm having my surgery! how's that!?" i finally told her "don't try and guilt trip me, it doesn't work, i don't feel bad for you"

Its funny how many people I know that fit in this category

OP...I don't know why some people make things so totally about themselves or want you to have all the answers and then make you feel bad on purpose. It stinks. I am the type of person that always looks at situations from the point of what did 'I' do to make this situation worse and can "I' make it better. I have daily interactions with people who think they deserve everything, everything you do is 'personal' because you don't like them, you are are mean etc. Yet everyone of those people are the first ones to say well so and so did such and such and nobody said anything. And no, I am not talking about kids...GROWN ADULTS with this mindset.

Your mom was wrong. Period. So, you are not a dr. and you don't have all the answers. She has the tools available to her to get the right course of action started. She obviously had a dr to do the surgery. She then decides you are not sympathetic enough and decideds to SHOW you. Yeah..I wouldn't bother to even worry about it. I would learn how to change my reactions to her. You know how she is, you don't want to sever the relationship because she is your mother, so now all you can do is change how you feel when she pulls a stunt. She is doing it on purpose. If it were me, I would become more bluntly honest with her. That way when she retaliates I would know it was because she couldn't take the truth!

Kelly

i've definatly been doing that a lot more, lately. being bluntly honest with her. she doesn't seem to like it, but i'm tired of her saying things like that to me.

there have been other things she's said before, i can't remember them now, but they've been similar to this incident. she says things just because she knows it will upset me.

i swear, it's like our relationship is switched. i feel like I'M the parent and SHE'S the child.

 

[WDWBarb]

It's hard to believe what mothers will say to their children. My mom made a very painful comment to me at Christmas and I don't know that it will ever stop hurting.

to you.

 

[mommytomy3]

(((hugs)))
my mom is really mean.. I seriously think she has mental problems (I am being serious, not sarcastic) we havent spoken for a few months over something really stupid - I called her "mean" for what she was doing to my sister, and she hung up on me, and somehow she turned that into and told everyone that I cursed her out and hung up on her anyway, she is trying to turn everyone against me, and has succeeded with 1 sister.. she recently told another of my sisters that she "cant stand her, cant stand her, cant stand her!" (her is me) and that she has bit her tongue and been nice to me these past few years because my son died. there has been lots of other stupid things she said, but I just ignore it all.. I actually laugh.. I have no interest in speaking to her again.. it can never be the same

 

[HerdOHuds]

OP I am so sorry your mother harbored that anger and waited until she had a time to unleash her anger onto you. Sounds like something my mother would do.

I have noticed that when my mother doesn't feel good about herself she unleashes onto me and my dad and her friends. We all sort of take turns being her whipping boy-though I am not sure my mother's friends are aware that is how she works. Sometimes my mom is really great and generous and helpful. Other times I get the 'trying to be nice but saying something really mean' attitude. And then there are times we are openly hostile.

Do keep in mind that your mom is human and has bad days and good days. Not much help, but sometimes that helps me deal with my mom.

Must have been a bad day.

 

[Evil Genius]

OP know that you aren't alone with having a mom like this. My mother wasn't happy unless she was fighting with someone. She said and did things that would really be painful and then would tell you to toughen up and stop being so thin skinned. The last thing she did to me was to go sit in the back of the church at my dh's memorial service. One of the times that a child really needs their parent and she put herself as far away from me as she possibly could.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

(((hugs)))
my mom is really mean.. I seriously think she has mental problems (I am being serious, not sarcastic) we havent spoken for a few months over something really stupid - I called her "mean" for what she was doing to my sister, and she hung up on me, and somehow she turned that into and told everyone that I cursed her out and hung up on her anyway, she is trying to turn everyone against me, and has succeeded with 1 sister.. she recently told another of my sisters that she "cant stand her, cant stand her, cant stand her!" (her is me) and that she has bit her tongue and been nice to me these past few years because my son died. there has been lots of other stupid things she said, but I just ignore it all.. I actually laugh.. I have no interest in speaking to her again.. it can never be the same

that's terrible about your mother doing that and acting that way. i just don't understand how some parents can be like that. that's your CHILD...the last person you should want to upset like that.

i got into a big fight with my mother a few months ago because she had gone to the local SPCA and adopted a cat. it was an older cat, she was 5 years old. they have had a dog for 10 years now.

anyway, so they adopted this cat and they never let her and the dog close enough to each other to get used to each other. she kept the cat for about a month and then she called me up one day and said "i took the cat back to the SPCA, i just couldn't handle it"

what??? you couldn't handle it?? she'd been off of work for half a year, so it's not like she didn't have the time to get the cat and dog accustomed to each other. and i'm a huge animal lover, so i was really upset that she took the cat back.

she tried telling me "you don't know what it's like" and i reminded her that i had two cats since they were kittens, and then a year later we brought another one in and for 2 weeks we had to get the accustomed to each other before we could even leave them in the same room alone. it's a process that takes time and patience and she didn't want to deal with it. that's how she deals with things. if they get too hard, she just gets rid of it.

i didn't speak to her for a week after that and tbh, that was the best week i've had in a long time. she's always making me feel bad and sorry about everything.....i just felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulder.

i wish i could just stop talking to her altogether. i know that sounds bad, but she just brings such negativity to my life i don't want it.

OP know that you aren't alone with having a mom like this. My mother wasn't happy unless she was fighting with someone. She said and did things that would really be painful and then would tell you to toughen up and stop being so thin skinned. The last thing she did to me was to go sit in the back of the church at my dh's memorial service. One of the times that a child really needs their parent and she put herself as far away from me as she possibly could.

that's awful! i'm sorry she did that to you

i just don't understand people sometimes, i really don't. that's your child, why would you WANT to make them feel bad??