can you stand another in laws vent? Warning Long

[powellrj]

Its been a long week, and I want to get this off my chest so I can move on. My DF has been very ill. He had a 10 hour surgery on Tuesday. Its the 3rd time he has had this type of surgery, but now that he is in his 70's, its just that much more dangerous and he wasn't expected to survive.

DH and I have been together since 1976 and married since 1978. My in laws have never really liked me, but because I love their son, I always gave in and was "the good guy" They have called me by the wrong name the whole time even thought me, DH, our kids, my family have corrected them. I always just let it pass. They never invite us over or have holidays, if we see them I have to do the entertaining. They have lived in their new house for 10 years which is 10 mins from us and we have never been invited over. We have never eaten there. I invite them for everything and have a meal prepared even when I have had to work on those days. We invite them to the kids activities but they rarely attend because they always have something to do like watch a tv show or get a hair cut. They have never had the kids over, the last time they watched the kids was 5 years ago for an hour and a half, so I could see my cousin who was having chemo.

I always thought they were friends of my parents. They sit together in church every sunday, our moms are in the same ladies group and our dads go to the same health club on tues and thurs.

We told them about dads surgery 2 weeks ago. Nothing was said. DH called them on Saturday to see if they wanted to go to a program DS was in but they had a television show they wanted to watch. He asked them to go to DD play, they couldn't because they were going out to lunch ( the play was at 6:30) They then told DH they were leaving on vacation. They haven't taken a vacation in 27 years. They were driving to KY TO LOOK AT A GUN SHOP! Not a gun show, they were going to a gun SHOP, that would be open at anytime. My father, their friend, was undergoing 10 hours of surgery he wasn't expected to survive and they were going on vacation that they only planned after we told them about the surgery. They didn't call to check on him and see how he did. They just left. They don't have a cell phone, and we don't know where they are staying and they haven't called to tell us.

I am so hurt, I never want to speak to them again. I have been the glue holding this group together. I am now ready to walk away and never look back. I feel so bad for DH. He is hurt by how his parents have behaved. I have over looked so many things over the years. I let it pass when DS was in Iraq and they never wrote or sent him anything, I let the whole wrong name thing go, I let the whole never having us over pass, I just can't let this go. I know, I need to work past this and let it go, but I am just so mad. Thanks for letting me vent!

 

[Disneyglobegirl]

I'm so sorry about your Inlaws treating you that way. I'm sending prayers to your father!

 

[Maleficent13]

Someone on here talks about toxic people when stuff like this comes up. She's usually right, too. You don't have to let it go; at this point maybe it's time to let THEM go.

 

[CEDmom]

I really sorry about your father - I hope he's doing ok.

Honestly, I don't know what to say about your inlaws. The thing that really strikes me as odd is the fact that your parents and your inlaws are friends. I honestly don't get that . Aren't your parents upset by how you're being treated? I understand that maybe they're just trying to keep the peace but frankly I'm surprised they haven't blown by now.

I don't think you can change your inlaws - they are what they are. I learned a long time ago to stop trying to please people that could never be pleased. They're the ones that are losing out. Take care of those close to your heart.

 

[jeast]

Why do you bother? I think sometimes people do things because they don't want to appear to be small minded or non-family oriented. No offense, but you are wasting time and emotion on nothing.

I know all the oprah-type shows tell you to salvage whatever relationship you can or negotiate a relationship with family members but I admit to finding that unrealistic.

Your in-laws have been insensitive and downright rude to you for thirty years. they seem to have limited interest in their son or grandchildren. It is not your job to change or accomodate them. Let it go. Quit inviting them over. Yes, it is sad for your husband. But you have to accept reality eventually. Sometimes that reality is that our parents can be complete jerks and not worth the time.

If they seek you out, certainly allow them in your lives, but quit inviting them into it. You're wasting precious time and emotional energy. Life is too short to cater to toxic family members.

JMO. I'm sorry your situation is so negative with your in-laws. I'm praying for the well being of your father!

 

[JCJRSmith]

They sound pretty passive-aggressive. I'm sorry that you are going through this, and you are probably right that it is time to cut ties with them. And I will add a prayer for your father - hope it all works out.

 

[Beth76]

I hope your father is recovering well. Sorry about your in-laws. I have to agree with everyone: just let them go. They've already let you go. Just because they're family doesn't mean squat. They sound like horrible people. Why would you want them around your children? I would hope your parents feel the same way after this latest stunt.

 

[mickeysgal]

You're trying to change behaviors of people that don't want to change. They appear to be insensitive, self-centered, cold, and unattached - at least in regards to you and your immediate family. Why they're like that, I have no clue. However, their behaviors aren't going to change anytime soon. You can't wish them into, talk, reason, or demand proper, respectful, better behavior. You can only control yourself and your family.

I would just stop trying with them, they will only keep disappointing you with their hurtful behavior. Do what you have to keep the peace on behalf of your DH (it still is his family), but I wouldn't overextend myself. You'd be just setting yourself up for misery. You can't expect anything from them as they've shown that they're not willing to give anything - at least not right now.

Focus on your family and friends - strengthen those relationships that are more reciprocal .

I truly hope you DF is doing well.

 

[powellrj]

thank you for your for all of your posts. My DM is really hurt by their actions. You have a lot of down time in waiting rooms to hash things out. DMs opinion has always been to do what it takes to keep peace for my DHs sake. I think the time has come to cut all ties with them.

Again, thanks for all of your relies. I really knew what I needed ( should of) done a long time ago. I just have always thought I could "change things", for my kids and DH.

I feel like my own Dr. Phil show for enablers! Thanks again for helping me see what I need to do to move on.

 

[DVCindy]

First, I hope your DF is doing OK and will recover from the surgery.

Just also wanted to let you know that I'm sorry that you have to deal with e such self-absorbed people in your life. I can relate to so much of what you said ... I have in-laws that behave very similarly. I feel badly for my DH but as an adult, he is getting over it and I do believe sees them for what they really are. However, I feel extremely sad for my children, as I'm sure you do for yours. That just kills me.

If you think about it, I doubt your in-laws are really friends with your parents. It sounds like they are in the same places at the same time, but do they really share a true friendship ? I think incredibly self-absorbed people kind of just go through the motions in life, and don't really feel much at all when it comes to emotions and relationships.

I think you would be very justified to back way off with them ... too much emotional energy spent on them already. I hope DH would support you . It sounds like he gets it. I feel for you. I've been there.

 

[RitaZ.]

How is your father doing today?

I always say, "Mess with me and I may overlook it. Mess with the ones I love, then we've got a problem."

How can people be so insensitive and uncaring? I mean, to me, it's common courtesy to ask how a person is doing when they are sick. I just don't get that.

I think you need to stop trying so hard. I think you've done enough, I wouldn't go out of my way to include and involve them. Let your DH be the one that invites them over or whatever. Expect nothing from them, I mean nothing. Once you have no expectations of them, they will no longer disappoint you. Trust me on this, it really does work.

I hope things improve for your father. Hang in there.

 

[mickeysgal]

People sure have strange behaviors sometimes. It seems like in times of crisis...death, illness, job loss, etc. the people that you thought were your friends sometimes end up the farthest thing from it. Friends that you've been "close" to for years, end up never calling. It really opens your eyes as to how close that friendship actually was. This has happened to us...we've been so hurt by friends that we thought were friends. In actuality, I guess we really weren't and we stopped trying so hard with them.

 

[4nana]

First, ((big hugs to you RJ)). Good thoughts and prayers for your father's recovery. I all too well know the toll of watching loving parents age and their health decline.

I will never for the life of me understand some families or in this case your IL's . You sould like a wonderful peson who has gone beyond the call of duty concerning them. I am so sorry for the pain you and your family have experienced. Lot's of good advise offered here and wish you luck in your soul searching.

What's wrong with these people
to never have their grandchildren over, or ask or write their GSon in Iraq breaks my heart!

Godspeed you and your family ^i^

 

[4cruisin]

I have a similar situation in my life with my in-laws. It was very upsetting for the early part of our marriage. After dh's step mother passed away and some issues happened at the funeral(they did not want me in the "family" car), I decided that basically, my in-laws were out of my life. I calmly sat dh down and told him that I had made a decision. I did not want him to choose but that I would not attend his family functions (not that I was ever included) and I was finished with them as far as wreaking havoc in my life. He was welcome to do as he pleased and I would not interfere. We very rarely spent holidays etc with them...their choice not ours, so it wasn't a big deal as far as things like that.

Dh has limited contact with his father. FIL is ill and elderly now and dh is there whenever fil needs him but he feels fil made choices and those choices affected his relationship dh. I usually push dh to visit or call his father at least 1x a month but dh has recognized that we are not a priority in fil's life.

Maybe you can do something along those lines. Let your dh visit his parents when he wants to but basically remove yourself and your children from their lives. Do not ask dh to make a choice. Just allow him to have the contact with his parents. Don't bother inviting them to holidays or the kids functions....you are only setting yourself up for disappointment. Eventually when your inlaws are old and alone, they will realize what they did.

I hope your dad is feeling better. Hugs to all of you.

 

[ElizaB39]

I agree with others, its time to say Buh Bye!

 

[jen0610]

Travel to Northern IN and you could almost be talking about my inlaws. It's been almost 20 years that I have been in DH's life and for the most part, they can say to me what they want or treat me the way they want, but when they treat the kids wrong, it's when I can't turn the other cheek. And for the most part, I play very nice, it's just this little piece that gets under my skin.

You don't say if DH is their only child and your kids the only grandkids, and if not, do they treat all of the siblings this way or just you and yours. Our main issue is that DH is the only boy, baby of the family. DH was raised a very strict catholic and I, in mil's words, am a heathen, non-catholic. Now if you listened to her, would think that I had never been inside of a church, let alone a member of a church. I wasn't a member of THE CHURCH. Also, I was a city girl and a year older than her baby. Even at 18, I just took it as this is a 60 year old woman, not yet ready to lose her baby.

Over the years of dating, she would do or say things, that in hanging out w/friends would get mentioned. Of all DH's friends, most did not believe that she would really say or do these things. Most of these friends got a rude awakening of her true colors, atleast in regards to me, while the wedding plans were going on. But we got thru it and since DH was in the Army, for the next 4 years we weren't around. We had DS while we were stationed over seas and 2.5 years later we had DD.

DH's older sister, lives 2 miles away from their parents. She has 3 girls. The girls are involved in, volleyball, marching band, tennis, barrel riding, 4H, and a couple of things over the years. Now, mil and fil have had no problems going to any of these functions. At 80 years old, they sat out in freezing cold, rainy weather to watch the oldest two march in a band competion and they traveled out of state for a volleyball tournament. Now with our two they are involed in baseball, softball, bowling, football, dance, basketball, and cheerleading. And they have not come to see our kids in anything. We have offered to pick them up and take them home. They wouldn't have to pay for anything. We'd buy any tickets that they may need. Nope, it's to much of a bother. Now, our kids have gotten old enough that they question why won't grandma and grandpa come see us play/perform, but they'll go see the other 3. And the kids know they are going, because we go to see and support the girls and they see grandma and grandpa there. And it's at these times, that I really just want to loose it. Because my kids don't understand and they are getting their feelings hurt. So how do you explain, that it's not your fault. Grandma just doesn't really like mommy and you get treated badly, because of that.

There are times, when I truely wish I had put my foot down and told DH, when your done with your service time, we ARE NOT going back to IN. We are going to stay far away from the extened family, because my mother drives us just a crazy as his mom and dad does. The only parent that we can really tolerate is my dad.

 

[disykat]

So how do you explain, that it's not your fault. Grandma just doesn't really like mommy and you get treated badly, because of that.

I have to comment on this - I think sometimes you DO say that. I have made it pretty clear to my boys that things are the way they are in our family because "mom and grandma and grandpa don't really get along, so we have a different relationship with them - that's the way it is sometimes". It's not a big deal, I try not to place blame, but I want them to be able to identify what the issue is and know it's not THEM.

My parents hid their inlaw issues. I literally had no idea until I started having problems with my own inlaws. I ended with almost the exact same issues in my marriage that my parents had in theirs. Knowing what I know now, looking back, it explains a lot. Consequencely, I've tried to be sort of matter of fact with my kids about things. Not hiding it, but not making it an issue either.

To the OP!

 

[powellrj]

Sorry it took me awhile to come back. My dad is doing great! We hope to have him home by the 20th.

Back to the inlaws..... Its really just me trying to hold on. The kids are really not interested in them one way or another. They are just people that they know. They never ask about them or want to go see them. I am the one trying to push a relationship. I guess I just feel sad for what my kids have missed out on, but they kids don't seem to mind, so I need to stop trying. They don't really like any of their grandkids. They have one that they see more often, but I think its because she goes to see them. I don't know that they ever make the effort to go see her. She is going to a local college, but she lives about 5 hours away during the summer.

I want my DH to have contact with them, so I wil continue to make sure he calls them every week. He is at the place he calls it his weekly "checking to see if they are still alive call."

The really weird thing is I am the only one who feels bad about the fact that they don't like us! I guess its time for me to wake up and walk away. Its only making me crazy! DH is just glad that my parents like us and have been great grandparents to our kids.

Thanks for letting me vent. I think I really knew what I needed to do deep down, but I had to write my feeling out and share them with 80,000 of my near and dear friends before I would really believe it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I happy to hear about your father!!!

As far as your IL's, please let go. You are not glue. I used to say that about my own family. Guess what happened when I let it all go? Nothing.

Oh, and do not bug your dh to call. You need to let that go too. Trust me it is wonderful to take that off your back.

 

[sharbear]

powellrj, I just want to say that how your IL's are have nothing to do with you and weather or not they like you. They are odd and I'll bet you they are odd to everyone. They seem to be people who are not friendly to anyone, I would suspect that they don't have any friends. Some people are like this. It has nothing to do with you, I really wanted to say that to you.

I think that it is so strange that you have never been invited to their house. How odd. I wonder if they are so messy that they are embarrassed to have people over.