Can you really choose to be happy?

[mumom95]

I had dinner with some friends tonight. And one of the ladies was really down about her life right now. She's a teacher and really doesn't like it. That wasn't what her original degree was, but once she decided to have kids, went back and got her teaching license so she could have a job that would maximize her time with her kids.

Now that she's been doing it a few years she realizes it just isn't for her. And most people that have known her for a long time agree that working with kids isn't something they would have ever thought she would enjoy. But she feels like she can't really change her career because her life is kind of set and changing would affect the rest of her family.

So during dinner, one of the other ladies kept saying "you just have to decide to be happy teaching. if you put your mind to it you will eventually like it and be happy with it".

That really made me wonder, is happiness just a choice. Can we all be happy with anything or be happy doing anything if we just put our mind to it? I hear people say all the time you just have to decide to be happy. Is that all it really takes, simply telling yourself you are going to be happy?

I'm not so sure I agree with it. I know there is a lot of truth to deciding to be happy in general about life. But I think there are some big things like our career choice and our spouse that no matter how much we try to convince ourself to be happy with something, we won't be able to if it isn't something that truly fits our personality.

I'm just curious to hear what other people think.

 

[Tink888]

I had dinner with some friends tonight. And one of the ladies was really down about her life right now. She's a teacher and really doesn't like it. That wasn't what her original degree was, but once she decided to have kids, went back and got her teaching license so she could have a job that would maximize her time with her kids.

Now that she's been doing it a few years she realizes it just isn't for her. And most people that have known her for a long time agree that working with kids isn't something they would have ever thought she would enjoy. But she feels like she can't really change her career because her life is kind of set and changing would affect the rest of her family.

So during dinner, one of the other ladies kept saying "you just have to decide to be happy teaching. if you put your mind to it you will eventually like it and be happy with it".

That really made me wonder, is happiness just a choice. Can we all be happy with anything or be happy doing anything if we just put our mind to it? I hear people say all the time you just have to decide to be happy. Is that all it really takes, simply telling yourself you are going to be happy?

I'm not so sure I agree with it. I know there is a lot of truth to deciding to be happy in general about life. But I think there are some big things like our career choice and our spouse that no matter how much we try to convince ourself to be happy with something, we won't be able to if it isn't something that truly fits our personality.

I'm just curious to hear what other people think.

I think you can. That's not to say that by doing so a person will never experience difficulties or times when they're down but I do believe that overall you can make a choice to be happy.

I believe that attitude is everything. By making the decision to look for the good in everything, you'll find it, even in bad situations. By making an effort every day to appreciate and be grateful for what you have. A positive attitude is a choice. Some people might have to work harder at it than others, but it can be done and when you (general you) live life with a positive attitude I think you are generally a happier person.

 

[luvmyfam444]

Interesting thoughts...I've never thought about it before...

My 1st thought is no - she won't truly be happy, she can learn to be content in her job, do the best at it as she can & realize this is a season in her life & see the good (she has a job, summers off).

I do believe happiness is a mindset - to an extent...but if something you're doing you really hate, then I think you are just fooling yourself into liking it/being happy (cause you supposed to be happy after all YOU choose the carrer or your making the family happy) & aren't being true to the real you.

I dunno---definitely wanna read other's opinions....

 

[FireDancer]

I think so. You don't have full control of many things but you do have full control over how you allow everything to effect you. I've had jobs I didn't like but it didn't make me unhappy, it made me not like my job, and there is very big different between the two. Instead of whining about it I went out and found a new one. To get the one I wanted I needed a degree, so I went back and got that too (while still working a 48 work week).

If I have a problem I find a way to solve it and then the problem is gone (or at least replaced with a new one which I need to find a solution for). If the problem is unsolvable I find a way to accept it. That last part is where the real choosing to be happy comes in. It may start as content but with a positive mindset content can become happiness. I am a believer in the serenity prayer.

No one else can make you happy or unhappy, only the person in the mirror can do that. Life really isn't as hard as many like to make it.

 

[HunnyPots]

You can definitely choose to be content with your situation, whatever it may be. Not sure you can fool yourself into actually enjoying it but you can certainly make up your mind to be ok with it, especially if it is for the greater good.

 

[susykt4]

I also agree that attitude is everything. I have a good friend who has had amazing bad luck throughout her life. She has endured so much loss, yet remains positive and even laughs at her misfortune. She uses her life lessons to better herself. Another friend who has gone through some bad times completely dwells upon the bad and has gotten to the point where every little bump in the road is an epic battle. Spilling her coffee ruins not just her 10 minutes, but her entire week. To me, that is her own choice.

Last year when the economy tanked, my husband was moved from a job he loved to one he hated when his company restructured following lay-offs. He went from a low pressure job he knew well to supervising people in an area he knew nothing about. His attitude got worse and worse and he started taking it out on the kids and me. He wasn't fun to be around. I finally lost it on him and let him know how his horrible attitude and behavior were affecting us. He was lucky to HAVE a job and how much more stressed would he be if he had been laid off? He was choosing to be negative. He has been slowly changing his attitude and is much improved from what he was a month or two ago. Will he ever be HAPPY in his new position? No. But stepping back and realizing that the economy will improve eventually and that at some point he'll be able to move to a different position has improved his view. He is choosing to move toward contentment.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I agree with FireDancer about the Serenity Prayer. If it's something that can't be helped, I've seen plenty of people rise above it, concentrate on the good, and still be happy. But, if it's something you could have done differently, and you didn't, there's a certain guilt factor that can kind of block that process. - I think your friend is there now. She thinks she made a mistake, but right now, she's afraid that the process of fixing that mistake would cause more harm than the actual mistake is causing.

So, on a more practical note, what was her original career? Schools hire people other than teachers - secretaries, nutritionists, etc. So if it's summers off with her kids that are important, she may still be able to have that. Alternately, have her list exactly what she doesn't like about teaching. She may find it's related to the age of the kids, and that applying for a change in grade for next year would be just the thing.

My other suggestion is a gratitude journal. I originally read about it as something to do at night before you go to bed, but I think it would work at any time she can consistantly squeeze it into her shedule. You choose a pretty blank book, and wirte down 5 things you are grateful for every day. It really helps keep the positive thoughts in the front of your mind, instead of the negative ones.

 

[Pig Pen]

I definitely believe that attitude and ACTION are major factors in happiness. If you feel unhappy just because everyone else is richer, prettier, or smarter, that could be all in your head. Years ago I started telling myself everyday that I am the most blessed person in the world. At first it was just a method to force me to count my blessings, but now I believe it. We are not rich nor particularly special in any way, but we have jobs, a house, good health, and are able to live a full (albeit modest) life.

If you are really, truly in a bad situation, then change it! Years ago I was stuck in a job I hated and was miserable. It was effecting my health (heart palpitations) and my mental wellbeing (now I realize I was being verbally abused by my boss). I felt that I couldn't leave because of the money and prestige. Finally I stepped back and took a good look and decided I deserved better and started looking for another job. This is where the "blessings" begin. The stars were aligned and I found a position with the most wonderful boss in the world. I had to take a major pay cut, but we survived and the last few years have been a boon. Unfortunately, the job is ending in January, but this opens up a whole new adventure for us! We are moving to FLORIDA!

 

[PixieTopaz]

As a Teacher, she needs to think how much impact her dealing with her students affects each of their lives

How a kind word or a thumbs up can change how a student reacts to school, maybe gets then to focus and succeeed more.

I think of the Teachers who made an impact on me, who made me thinkthat I can achieve various things because ms Smith has confidence in me!

Yep-she needs to change her attitude-and it can be done

 

[Krazy 4 da Mouse]

I definitely believe that attitude and ACTION are major factors in happiness. If you feel unhappy just because everyone else is richer, prettier, or smarter, that could be all in your head. Years ago I started telling myself everyday that I am the most blessed person in the world. At first it was just a method to force me to count my blessings, but now I believe it. We are not rich nor particularly special in any way, but we have jobs, a house, good health, and are able to live a full (albeit modest) life.

I agree with you completely. I have had this discussion with my sister many times. She is always down on her life and I remind her of all of her blessings.

 

[EeyoreEma]

I think you can. It's not always easy, but you definitely can. That was my dad's biggest saying growing up: "You have 2 choices - are you going to be happy about it, or are you going to let yourself be miserable?" For me it's that LET YOURSELF BE .... Am I always happy?? No - but I do know that I have the power to get myself back to happy. A lot of prayer, a lot of counting my blessings - that goes a long way for me, even with the deeper hurts, or should I say especially with the deeper hurts and unhappinesses.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I think you can. There are some really rotten jobs to have (it's subjective as to what they are) There are people that don't complain, focus on what needs to be done, and find a sense of accomplishment satisfying, in jobs that aren't their ideal. The country (the world actually) is full of people that do this daily. To me, that shows strength. It's making the best of a situation. Nothing wrong with looking for something else if it isn't your cup of tea. But there is no perfect job.

A job doesn't have to define you (general you). It does if you let it. She could focus on the aspects of her job that she does like (surely there are a few) and/or derive happiness from activities outside of her duties.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think you can be unhappy about a specific situation in your life and not let it color your whole life.

Years ago when DH & I were trying to have a baby, and all my friends were basically my same age so they were doing the same thing, I was invited to baby showers left and right. I was unhappy about the fact that DH & I couldn't have a baby. Going to baby showers was difficult. But I made the choice to go, to celebrate my friends' good news with them. I didn't want to be Debbie Downer and drag everyone down. And I used a lot of different coping mechanisms...I continuously told myself every time the MD called with the bad news that I wasn't pregnant that at least he wasn't calling to tell me I was dying of cancer...stuff like that. My parents always raised me with the "count your blessings because compared to a lot of people your life is pretty darn good" attitude, so I guess that's where it came from. I will allow myself some time to mourn things or get aggravated about things or ticked off or sad or whatever, but then I evaluate the situation, do what I can do about it and move on.

I find it quite difficult to be around a downer type person. And I realize some folks really do have a chemical imbalance that makes them that way, but then I'd hope they'd go to the doc and fix it so they could move beyond it.

OP, with regard to your friend...her problem is that she is thinking she has no choice....she paid a lot of $$ for her education, she's got this job, she doesn't like it and now she's stuck because it is working for her family. And that may be true....for now. But it won't be true forever. Her kids will grow up, she won't need summers and school vacations off, and her life will change once again. The only "constant" about life is that it is ever changing.

Your friend really has several choices:
1. She can choose to change now. Yes, it will change her family's dynamic, but there's lots of things that change a family's dynamic and the family survives
2. She can look for a job in other areas of education that perhaps don't have as much direct involvement with children but still require the expertise of someone trained in education...some sort of administrative position
3. She can become a tutor. Still contact with children, but it's one on one contact, she controls her schedule and so forth. Perhaps she doesn't liek dealing with a classroom of children but one to one would b fine.
4. She can edit textbooks.
5. She can decide that she will be content with this job right now for the good of her family but start looking at what she would prefer to do & perhaps start working towatd that, so that when her life changes again, and it will, she'll be ready to leave education and move on to...whatever.
6. She can continue to be miserable. This is a choice, and it is somewhat of a self-serving choice. My neighbor is a therapist and one of her favorite lines is "People choose to continue a particular behavior because they get something out of it". Perhaps your friend enjoys being the martyr as in "Oh, I hate my job but I am doing it for my family I hope they appreciate it". Perhaps your friend enjoys the attention she gets from her sadness/negativity..."Oh poor Mary, she's so unhappy" or "How are you today Mary? Is there anything I can do to help?"

So yes, I would say overall happiness is choice. Unhappiness with a particular aspect of life is a transional thing.

 

[ladycollector]

I personally don't think so. I've struggled with being blue/extreme anxiety since my early teen years and only recently got help for it.. I'm on a low dose of anxiety medication now and am so much happier. My mother was against it at first but she can see the difference in just how I react day to day to situations.

I always wanted to be happy, I tried to be, but sometimes it is chemical. Some people cannot produce enough seratonin to keep up with the demand (esp people who stress easily). I always have felt blessed and thankful for everything I have in life, so it's not that my life sucked. lol

Not saying this is your friends problem, but it could be why shes unhappy deep down.

 

[Sparx]

I don't think you can choose happiness, in any situation. I think you can choose to make yourself happy, and change the situations that are preventing you from being happy in almost all cases. In the cases that you cannot change the situation, you can choose to not let your unhappiness about one thing ruin your whole life.

I don't think that you can wake up in the morning and say, ''Thats it, I'm happy with my life." if you really aren't. However, I truly think that people have the ability to change their lives and make themselves happy, if they want to be.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wow, you guys should have seen the woman who played Mimi on the Drew Carey show on GMA this morning!!!

She has a book out on this topic. It is about woman taking ownership of their lives, and claiming happiness.

Anyhow, if I am correct on this, studies have all shown that happiness is something that is almost genetic... A person who has always been limited financially can win the huge 10 million lottery, and there is no effect on their overall 'happiness'. And, a person who has had it all can have a traumatic life event (accident. etc...) turn their circumstances around... and, again, there is no effect on their overall 'happiness'.

 

[pigletgirl]

Oooh that is a really good question! I know you can choose how to respond to a certain situation, but other times its out of your control...

Some people are just genuinely happy. I wish I was one of them.

 

[bettymae1121]

I think you can, at least to an extent. If life is really horrible for you then perhaps not. But I think if you do your best to look at the bright side of things and to make the most of what is going right in your life, it can make a huge difference.

Or as I like to say, don't walk around with a little storm cloud over your head, it just attracts lightning bolts!

 

[LuvOrlando]

I think people have a great deal more control over their general dispositions than they choose to exercise.

Personally, I can't stand the whole 'save me' persona so many women choose to adopt. If your mate is a loser dump him/her, if you don't like your job, change it, if you have been mistreated in the past, quit being a victim now. I really think some people make bad choices on purpose so they have something to talk about... it seems to be almost a hobby to me. Like a twisted version of Munchhausen except instead of sabotaging someone else's health, they sabotage their own lives. My mother was one of these... uggh.

Now obviously there are some things we can't choose. Health is one, a history of abuse is another and stuff with our kids that can't be avoided... tragedy does happen where we are utterly helpless. But for the most part, a great deal of hand wringing is self imposed.

Ever hear the song "Sound of Madness" by Shinedown? This sort of thing is exactly what he's talking about. LOVE IT!

 

[wdwfan16]

I believe happiness is a choice. When you hit a "T" in the road you either choose to keep doing what you are doing and be happy about it or choose to change to make yourself happy.

This person needs to find a job she would prefer. Nothing about a job is cast in stone.