Can you "get over" being cheated on? #191 - I'm done.

[Iggipolka]

There's a very good book called "After the Affair" which I highly recommend. It offers some good information on healing from affairs and support in making decisions about the relationship.

Hang in there. You will get through this.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Since you said you started the adopiton of beautiful Lily before you were married, it leads me to believe that you have only been married a short time. This is unexcusable. Get Lily and get rid of "him".

 

[rascalmom]

I just wanted to offer a !

 

[T1130]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

[chyam]

Your husband's behavior would be a deal-breaker for me.

He did not get "lured" into a one night stand. He did not develop an "emotional which turned physical" relationship with a co-worker.

He actively sought out multiple sexual partners, did not use protection, passed himself off as single...it's too disgusting to even think about.

If you need him to finalize the adoption, then hang in there till that's done. If you don't need him to finalize the adoption, then kick his sorry, slimy, disgusting, pathetic, lying, cheating butt to the curb, get your baby girl and move on to a wonderful life with someone who will appreciate you and all the good you have to offer.

Let him stay with his pathetic "swinger" friends and wait for karma to kick him in the ****...and believe me, it will. And that wil be a good day. And he'll deserve every bit of what he gets, and then some.

This isn't a man you want as a partner. This is a sicko. Do you want this sicko near your child????

Very well said...........and I have to agree with you on this one. It's a start of a new year and perhaps a new life for you and Lily, you deserve so much more, you do not deserve a man that has been actively seeking other companionship, you do not deserve to get something from this man that could ruin your life, you do not deserve to be lied to, cheated on or mentally abused. Like I said before it was just a one time thing, I may have been able to forgive him, but he was out seeking it!........I hope that the New Year brings you some answers and a much happier life for you and Lily, we all deserve to be cherished!

 

[Pollito916]

I did get my butt out of bed this evening and I went to the bookstore for a few self help books and I took what is a huge step for me and made an appointment with a therapist for Wednesday morning for myself.

He has gone out of town to stay with family a few days. He is very apologetic and claims he will do anything to help me trust him again. He did state that he cheated to find what was missing from our relationship.

So, in a nutshell here I sit. I don't know what to do, I have Lily to consider heavily and I'm afraid to talk to any family or friends about it here yet. I am going tomorrow to be tested because the one woman told me protection wasn't used.

Thank you all again.

You are NOT being a drama queen! You have every right to be upset and this is a safe place to vent.

You are definitely off to a good start on helping yourself with the books, counseling, and especially the testing. That is the most important thing for you to do right now. I also have two book recommendations for you: "After the Affair" by Janis Abrahms Spring, and "The Monogamy Myth" by Peggy Vaughan. Peggy also has a website, and there is more great information and message boards at i-village

Did your husband say he found out what was "missing" from your relationship? I agree with the other posters that said it sounds like he has major problems and needs to seek counseling as well. I can't believe he wouldn't use protection. That is so selfish and irresponsible.

I hope you get Lily soon, so you can have something happy in your life.

ETA: If you want, I would be willing to send you the books, just let me know.

 

[scarlett873]

I don't have any advice to offer...but wanted to offer some {{{{{hugs}}}}} to you, my friend!

 

[Laurajean1014]

Op, can I ask you how old your husband is?

It sounds like he is afraid of getting old, unwanted and placed on the old-age shelf. So, he puts on an act as if he was still 18-25 and sexually active, with no responsiblities.

However, he is living in Fantasyland, because he does have responsibilities, people who love him and obligations. He is thinking only of his needs (like an animal trapped in a cage, he panics and hurts himself to escape).

He needs lots of therapy - to bring out his fears (which I believe he has many). He seems very weak and fearful.

You seem very strong - and that strength will give you the answers that you need to help yourself.

Unfortunately, the less people you tell, the better off you are. Even great friends cannot seem to be non-judgemental and if you stay together, they will always have that "look" that they will give you and him. That's not fair. So, the less people that know, the better.

Stick with us here at the DIS. We have no reason to give you bad advice and will always be here to give you "our interpretation."

Best of luck to you. Whatever you decide, it will be best for you, and that's all that matters.

 

[noseybuddy]

Your husband's behavior would be a deal-breaker for me.

He did not get "lured" into a one night stand. He did not develop an "emotional which turned physical" relationship with a co-worker.

He actively sought out multiple sexual partners, did not use protection, passed himself off as single...it's too disgusting to even think about.

If you need him to finalize the adoption, then hang in there till that's done. If you don't need him to finalize the adoption, then kick his sorry, slimy, disgusting, pathetic, lying, cheating butt to the curb, get your baby girl and move on to a wonderful life with someone who will appreciate you and all the good you have to offer.

Let him stay with his pathetic "swinger" friends and wait for karma to kick him in the ****...and believe me, it will. And that wil be a good day. And he'll deserve every bit of what he gets, and then some.

This isn't a man you want as a partner. This is a sicko. Do you want this sicko near your child????

I totally Agree!!!!!!! You took the words right out of my mouth!

 

[Puffy2]

I would never adopt a child while all this horse hockey was going on. Sounds like you need to dump the sob , cancel the adoption and make a new life for yourself. It's really hard to raise a child on your own and MISERABLE to raise one with a jerk like you are married to. Don't do it.

 

[Feralpeg]

I would never adopt a child while all this horse hockey was going on. Sounds like you need to dump the sob , cancel the adoption and make a new life for yourself. It's really hard to raise a child on your own and MISERABLE to raise one with a jerk like you are married to. Don't do it.

Do what is best for you. If you want to adopt this child and feel you are up to it. Go for it. You started the adoption process before him. You obviously thought you were ready. From someone who has successfully raised a child alone. You can do it! My best wishes for you in whatever you decide.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I would never adopt a child while all this horse hockey was going on. Sounds like you need to dump the sob , cancel the adoption and make a new life for yourself. It's really hard to raise a child on your own and MISERABLE to raise one with a jerk like you are married to. Don't do it.

I disagree. Lily really needs you and you really need Lily. Since there are four international adoptions in our family, I know that if you stop the adoption at this point, Lily many never get adopted. Get rid of the bum and keep your beautiful daughter.

 

[SillyMe]

I was once told by a lady that had been married 30+ years, A person can forgive another person and move on, but it takes a special person to forget and move on. After the first few months the forgive came pretty easy if you want to save your marriage, but after 5 years I have failed to "forget" what he did to our marriage. And I must admit on some days I hate him all over again but I signed on for better and worst and I take that to heart, I try to see the reason I loved him and the secutiy he does bring and weight it out that I could find worst out there, drugs, gambling, abuse, drinking.

He was gambling...he was gambling with her life by having unprotected sex with other women. That ranks right up there with the other issues you mentioned in my book.

To the OP...only you can make the decision on whether you want to work out your marriage or not. It sounds like he has a problem and you deserve better. If he was trying to figure out what was missing in your marriage, he should have focused more on you and your marriage instead of looking elsewhere. I wish you the best.

 

[noseybuddy]

If you are mentally and financially ready to adopt Lily, I say go for it, but you need to put the trash out, and that would be him. Sorry to sound harsh but I know you would be so much better off without a person like that in your life.

 

[kdibattista]

I would never adopt a child while all this horse hockey was going on. Sounds like you need to dump the sob , cancel the adoption and make a new life for yourself. It's really hard to raise a child on your own and MISERABLE to raise one with a jerk like you are married to. Don't do it.

Lily needs you as much as you need her... Do not let this &*#%@ jeapordize your future with your daughter.

 

[mbb]

Wanted to offer a as well. I've read about your beautiful little girl, and how your journey is progressing towards making her your family under one roof..

Would you want her to be with a man like that? Wouldn't you want her to have a person that loves her for simply being her? And for him to want her to shine, create, and contribute to our world..in loving ways? And to find support, laughter and a strong hand to hold when the world gets hard?

I know you want that for Lily..and the first step is showing her how her mommy finds all that wonderful for herself.

If she doesn't see her biggest influence reaching out, saying "I'm worth it!" , then she will never reach to find it herself.

Get rid of the toxic relationship.
And if some days, it's too hard to do *for you*, do it for your daughter.

Bring your girl home...home to a house of love and laughter..and strength.

 

[TDC Nala]

This isn't just an affair, he is seeking out strangers on the internet. This can be dangerous behavior. At the very least, if he stays, there should be an agreement that the internet will be gone from the home. Of course he could still surf at work or the library, but she wouldn't have to keep wondering what her adoptive child's father is doing in cyberspace whenever he signs on in their own home.

 

[punkin]

Everyone is giving you advice from their perspective, but you need to sit down and decide what you want. If you can forgive him and believe that he will change, you can save the marriage. The question is whether you are better off with him or without him, and only you know that.

As far as Lily, you are so close...I wouldn't give her up just because my DH is a jerk (stronger words would fit but the filter would get them)

 

[happybratpack]

Thanks again guys.

As far as "dropping the adoption" that is NOT an option in any way shape or form. This little girl is my daughter, she is just half way around the world right now and there is no way I will jeapordize that in any way. Whether I'm alone, with someone else or whatever she is my #1 priority and will remain so no matter what else goes on. I am able to raise her perfectly well being a single parent or not.

He is still out of town until mid-week and I also have my first therapist appt on Weds. I have been trying to think things through and figure everything out, there's so much that it involves financially, logistically, emotionally, etc. I know in my heart that this is the end, but I have to prepare everything for both myself and for Lily in the best way possible.

Thank you again, everyone here is the best.

 

[scarlett873]

I would never adopt a child while all this horse hockey was going on. Sounds like you need to dump the sob , cancel the adoption and make a new life for yourself. It's really hard to raise a child on your own and MISERABLE to raise one with a jerk like you are married to. Don't do it.

wow...that's some advice. Cancel the adoption? I don't know anything about you personally, but good grief...how could you say something like that? Yes, single parenting is hard, but this adoption was started BEFORE this man came into the picture. If she could do it then, she can certainly do it now!

OP...ultimately you need to do what's right for you and for Lily. Please, take care of yourself! Lily needs for her momma to be strong and to come get her!