Can you "get over" being cheated on? #191 - I'm done.

[disneylizzy]

Yes, it is possible to get over being cheated on, but BOTH people have to be willing to do the very hard work that it takes to repair the relationship. Take your time, your feelings and emotions are all over the place right now. Think, decide what you want to do first. I'm so sorry that you are going thru this because the pain and hurt are tremendous. Be strong. My husband ended up leaving, even tho I was willing to do counseling and now, after two years, I look at him and think to myself - this is not the man I married - and I can look forward to my new life.

 

[Marseeya]

I used to think not, but that wasn't the case for me.

It can take time, though -- a lot of time. And the spouse has to be willing to be accountable for his/her actions for a long time after that and be willing to put up with a lot of distrust.


to you.

 

[Tiffann4k]

Once a cheater always a cheater


Is very NOT TRUE well not with everyone. Some people yes, but others no, there are actually some people out there that learn from their mistakes. "She" is very lucky to have a great supportive husband who is a christian that forgave her for it and its in the past.

It does take time and the trust is an issue to work on but she told him immediatly and they were able to work on it immediatly so that helped them a lot.

Forgot to add that I have been cheated on by my ex BF who my first child is with, the day I found out is the day I left and never looked back...he is married now and last I heard he is still a cheater

 

[Laurajean1014]

I think anything is possible, if you love the person, deeply.

Good luck.

 

[Kitty 34]

First to you. My personal feelings to your question.....no you never get over it.

 

[antmaril]

well it depends on you... is this a relationship that you want to keep? is it worth keeping to you?? are you willing to try and trust them again??

Yea, you will be upset and hurt and mad.. and also distrusting which are all normal feelings.. but can you get over it and accept the fact that everyone is not perfect and people make mistakes?? If you do, you can't throw it back in someone's face a month or a year or 5 years later.. You have to accept it, forgive the person and move on...



i'm sorry you were hurt..

Pfishgirl has said it perfectly - I couldn't agree more.

 

[diznygirl]

Many people have saved their marriages after finding out about an affair. I'm sure it's possible - I don't personally see how, but that's because I have never (thankfully!) ever been in that position. Both DH and I agree that cheating = The End.

Of course, I have friends who separated, divorced and are back together now - so it does happen. Obviously they felt they were better off with each other than without. But they did go through the many stages of their feelings - nothing got bottled up or left behind - I would suggest that you do that too. If you do forgive - get all those feelings out and give yourself time to heal. Good luck!

 

[aprilgail2]

I could never stay with anyone that cheated on me....I do feel that if they cheated once they would do it again..only the next time be more careful that you didn't find out. After feeling betrayed I would be very ticked off being that I would now have to go for testing of various STD's and HIV since who knows what the person he cheated with is carrying around with her!

 

[mickeyfan2]

Having never been in this position, I'm not sure how I would react. I hope I could work it out, but one never knows. I hope this does not involve somebody and the adoption. Your new daughter is so cute.

Now I hope we could go to counseling and begin to trust again. I think if both want to fix the problem, the one who did the betrayal needs to take the lead and earn back the other person's trust. It will be a long and hard road, but it is not impossible (if both want it to) IMHO.

 

[WIcruizer]

I think we're talking about 3 different things simultaneously.

1) Once a cheater always a cheater? Of course not. Just like any other mistake, some poeple only make it once. Others are habitual. Cheating is no different.

2) Can you get over it? Depends on what we mean. For most people, if tthey stay together, it's always "out there" but it fades away more and more over the years. I don't think most people ever really get over it, jsut learn to live with it. Forgive but not forget.

3) Does get over it mean stay of leave? That's a separate question from #2. And that decision is probably based on more factors in the marriage beyond just the cheating episode. And that's up to each couple, and will vary.

 

[simpilotswife]

I think it really depends on what the people involved want. Being cheated on can be a devastating thing for someone. I also personally believe that once a cheater always a cheater in most cases.

I know years ago I would have been one of the "kick him out" crowd. That changed when I had children. I think it is much easier to make the decision to leave and forget it if there are no children or VERY young children involved. When you have children who are older it changes things and if it were me I would have to think long and hard about breaking up my family. If it were sex I think that I could make the decision to keep the family together. Sex is just that....sex. For many men it's not love and some view sex outside of their marriage no differently than when they pleasure themselves.

My problem would be that I don't believe that my husband would ever cheat on me unless he were in love with that person. That is just the kind of man that he is. If he ever loved someone else the way that he loves me then I would want him to be with that person so he could be happy.

I also agree with the poster who said that once you decide to forgive and forget, those feelings of betrayal must be put away otherwise it will make everyone miserable.

 

[lucyanna girl]

A divorce did it for me. Got right over him after that.
I am so sorry you are having to go thru this - nothing hurts any worse than betrayal. In my case I truly did not feel I could love a man I could not trust.
I have been remarried for 20 years to a wonderful man who I trust with all my heart. It took a little while, even when we first married I found myself holding back a little piece of my heart "just in case". But his love and faithfulness taught me that there are still good men to be had.
It is a long road back but have faith and one day you will get your confidence and peace of mind back. it just may not be with him.

 

[Planogirl]

Was it a one time fling with a stranger or was there an emotional attachment involved? I think that this would make a big difference to me. I think that I could get past the fling but the emotional affair would be hard if not impossible.

Good luck with whatever you're dealing with.

 

[Christine]

Was it a one time fling with a stranger or was there an emotional attachment involved? I think that this would make a big difference to me. I think that I could get past the fling but the emotional affair would be hard if not impossible.

Good luck with whatever you're dealing with.

Actually, I think both of these are bad. I don't think much of a man who has a one-night stand--that's just so crass. I sort of have more respect for a man who gets emotionally attached and then ends up having a physical relationship--certainly that is very damaging to the wife though. Neither of them is a good situation.

I think you have to look VERY carefully at the circumstances that precipitated the man either having a one-night stand OR getting involved in a relationship.

 

[palmtreegirl]

I don't know what I would do.

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

I think it would be very hard to get over it, even if you say you will forgive and forget, I think sometimes it would still come up in an argument (atleast in my case anyway). Even when TV shows or movies come on that deals with cheating it brings back all the emotions and memories.

 

[kelleigh1]

Only you can decide what is right for you and your situation. I know that's probably not exactly what you want to hear right now, but it's the truth.

From my own personal experience, I would recommend therapy. Not necessarily to repair what's been broken, but to help you understand yourself and how to deal with it. I was going through a very tough emotional time and had spent years with low self-esteem. Through therapy I learned to accept who I am and it helped me to better understand who I really am. And it helped me to see the people around me in a different light.

I don't subscribe to the "once a cheater, always a cheater" belief. People can change if they want to change. But they can't change for you. They must change for themselves. Because they want to, not because you want them to.

Whatever you decide, however you react...I wish you all the best and happier days ahead.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

I was cheated on by my ex. I asked for the divorce, because I knew that I wasn't the type to ever get over it. It had always been my worst fear and when it happened, it almost killed me.

I had two children, who were 10 and 14 at the time. They deserved more from their father and I think I showed them that you can fight for what you believe and still be a good parent. He always denied that he was having an affair, but moved in with the other woman weeks after I booted him out. He married her as soon as our divorce was final. The bad thing is, both of my daughters figured it out on their own and have to deal with that.

While I'm sure it is still a constant thing on my daughter's mind, the major damage was done to me. I have severe trust issues, even though I'm married to a wonderful man (who was also cheated on by his ex-wife). He seems to manage much better than I do. My ex-DH literally changed who I am and made me change the way I see things and the way I behave to things. When I think about that, it makes me furious. He cheats and goes on to live a happy life and we're left with the fallout.

Next week I start individual counseling. I'll be da*ned if my ex is going to hurt the marriage that I have with my DH. Hugs to you.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

Once a cheater always a cheater

It was true in my case. It may have stopped with his current wive, but I'll never know.

I do know, that once I asked for the divorce, people started coming out of the woodwork telling me of other times he cheated on me.

One thing that makes me realize that there really is karma, is that my ex-DH's wife is extremely needy and jealous. If he talks to me, it has to be kept a secret from her. From what I hear, she even goes to work with him (we were self-employed and she was a general contractor that we did work for).

This tells me that the old "what goes around, comes around" idea must be working on her. She married a cheater. Now she always has to wonder if he'll cheat again. IMO, cheating stems from a lack of morals. They both have to live with what they did and they both have to wonder what kind of person they are married to. It's the least I can hope for.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Bear with me here, I need to try to get things out coherently.

Can a person "get over" being cheated on and lied to by someone who is supposed to be the closest to you? I don't understand how - is it a process of eventually forgive and forget, how do you even get to the point of being able to start trusting them again? Does therapy, counseling, etc actually work to build the relationship back or is it just destined to happen again? Once a cheater/liar always a cheater/liar?

I found out something tonight that has just devastated me and I'm just sitting here lost. Thanks for any insight and for listening.

Yes, you can "move past it", accept it, deal with it, etc...
The real question is do you want to? That is for you to answer.

Some men are serial cheaters and will never be faithful or trustworthy and some men are missing their mate in their marriage and someone comes along who makes them feel like a "man" again, so they get attached.
Some men get pursued by aggressive women that know the marriage is in trouble and become a "confidant".
I am sure there are so many reasons why people cheat.

So you have to ask yourself, is this a symptom of marriage problems that can be fixed or someone who absolutely is a serial cheater and really doesn't care.

You will never "forget" but can you "forgive"? (provided the spouse asks for forgiveness, of course)