Can someone explain my mother to me?

[FergieTCat]

I thought I could find more support here than on any other board.

My weight has always been an issue between me and my mother. She lives in FL, I live in NY, and we only see each other several times a year (I always fly there).

Since February, I've lost 50 pounds on Weight Watchers. I visited my mother last week, and upon questioning, told her how much weight I lost. Her response: "I hope you can keep it up." (meaning, "I hope you can stay on this diet.")

*** is that supposed to mean? How about "Good for you! Keep up the good work!"

I'm trying to decide if I would think any response from her would be condescending.

Anyone else have issues with their mother? All I can think of is that comment from Paul Reiser "Our parents know how to push our buttons because they are the ones who installed them."

 

[dare2dream]

Donna, I'm sorry your mother's response was not what you were hoping for. Isn't it crazy how we still crave that approval after all these years. I'm sure she is happy for you and did not mean to sound condescending.

Let me now publicly shout

Great Job Donna!!!!
​

You have worked very hard and I am very proud of you. You are an inspiration for those of us with a long way to go on our weight loss journeys. You prove that it REALLY can be done. You have accomplished much to celebrate. I bet you feel great. I KNOW you will continue to your goal. I KNOW you can do it.

 

[Tiger Lily 03]

50 pounds! Wow! You Loser you!

Seriously, that is fantastic and you should be shouting it and expecting to have the support of everyone. Unfortunately, families are a difficult animal to understand sometimes. Please don't take the comment wrongly. Make it positive as your journey to becoming healthier has been.

Congratulations!

 

[FergieTCat]

Thanks for the shout outs.

I still want to know what my mom's problem is, though. You are right, I will probably never get approval from her, so why start now?

*sigh*

 

[Rachlynn]

I was told in my weight loss journey of 95 pounds... that there are always things that will try to keep us from success...

We have set backs in the form of food... lack of motivation... friends and yes family that will be jealous of our accomplishments...

the story of the crabs in the barrel... if there is a barrel full of crabs and one crab is fighting to get out...(better himself... for the crab he doesn't want to be dinner for you it is a better life... a healthier stronger woman...) then the other crabs will pull him back down just as he is towards the top almost making a go at it.... we have people in our lives that will provide a negative voice... and if you don't have that someone that does it... sometimes it is your own personal negative voice that seems to be the down fall... Remember you have to be true to you... Remember that you have to be the most positive and enthusiastic person you know... who cares about what others say... even though it is your mom... happiness lies within you and I am sure you are very happy and healthier... now that you have made a positive lifestyle change... don't let the other crabs keep you down...

As I recently read... Brick walls (sometimes in the form of human flesh) are not there to keep you out ...but rather show you how bad you want something... it keeps others out who don't want it as bad as you... so you can take time and see how to scale the wall and get to the other side.... keep it up... don't stop...

let your light shine!

 

[TriMom]

I don't know if this will help explain your mother, but it explains mine - she says the same type of comments as yours.

My DM is a chronic 20 lb yo-yo dieter. So when she says "I hope you can stick with it" part of it is jealousy of my success and part of it is an honest " I really hope that you can stick with it, because I sure can't. This weight loss thing is hard. And I hope that you can do it"

((((hugs))))

 

[mikamah]

I can't explain her, but I know how you feel. I had lost 40 pounds and my whole family had noticed, and my mother had never mentioned it at all. She finally did say one day that I looked good, and that made me feel so good, but it was after months of her ignoring it. I definitely have mother issues. You are not alone.

I think Rachlynn said it very well. Don't let the crabs keep you down.
Celebrate your loss!! 50 pounds is awesome!!!

 

[Tink_Kel]

Don't let her put a damper on your success!! She probably is more disappointed in herself, thinking she should do the same, than sharing your happiness.

And you're also right, parents do know exactly what buttons to push! Don't let it bother you too much, as long as your happy, and getting healthy you are on the right track.

Oh, and BTW, 50 POUNDS IS AWESOME!!!!!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!

 

[Raenstoirm]

First off Congrats!

As for your mother...no explanation from me. Only to say I have one too...

Seven years and one week (exactly) ago, I came down with the "stomach flu." After months of emergency room visits, specialists and more medical poking and prodding then i care to remember, during which I dropped a ridiculous amount of weight, I finally got my disease into remission (and soon gained back all the weight I had lost during my illness).

My mother will often (as in every time I see her) tell me how pretty I was during that time and that I need to get back to that weight. I would much prefer to forget that time in my life and hope that I never have to go through that hell again. She neglects to remember me fighting for my life, but rather how skinny (and quite frankly imho gaunt and sickly looking) I was. I would much rather be my size 14 and healthy.

Hows that for motherly love for you?

 

[PaulaSue]

Congrats!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I can kind of relate. My Mom doesn't say much about my weight loss. I was always the heavier one and now for the first time ever she is. I even gave her my now too big clothes (my in between size) and I think it reallyhurts her that I am smaller than her now. KWIM Plus she gained weight last year while I was losing it.

 

[delilah]

My mom was never a problem, either way. My mom, unfortunately, died of lung cancer in her early 60's about 15 years ago, and at the time, I wasn't significantly overweight, and never really had been up until that point.

My MIL, on the other hand, has always had major issues with my weight. She is in a NH in Florida with Alzheimer's disease, and I think she's always been missing the part of her brain that prevents people from saying whatever negative comment that pops into their head. At the moment, I am 5'2" and weigh about 125lbs or so. I wear size 2 to 4, depending on the style and the brand. I know that she would think I am still overweight. I know because I have been this weight before, and she has told me so. I have prominent breasts and butt, otherwise known as an hourglass figure, so, to her that is "fat". No pleasing some people, so, I don't even try.

 

[moredisneyplease]

I like the crab story and agree that your mother is one of those crabs.......jealous and a sabatour! You keep up the good work and focus on you and not her!!

 

[TiggersPal]

Two things came to mind; jealousy. Sounds like she must put you down (back handed comments) in order to feel better about herself. SAD.

2) She doesn't realize how it's coming across. Many mothers have NO idea the power of their words. It's at times almost impossible to "let it go"... not when those words come from a parent and we throughout our life tend to "need" their approval. I've been there. For me it was my Father.

I don't pretend I know what to do... but have you actually told her how hurtful her words are? I think it might be a good idea for you (your spirit, soul) to put it OUT there...

either way, some day the goal is to get to the point where it doesn't matter what she says - you are strong enough to hear anything and not be moved by it, one way or the other. That's freedom. I pray you find it, and if not now, at least peace. In the meantime

CONGRATS!!!! ON YOUR WONDERFUL LOSS!!!! YOU CERTAINLY ARE AN INSPIRATION TO ME - I've got 50 to lose and if I were where you are - I'd be dancing no MATTER WHAT!!!! ROCK ON !

 

[Laurabearz]

WTG on your weight loss!

And what can I say about Mothers... all of us had one, most of us will be one... Such is life.

 

[Nancyg56]

I am so sorry that your Mom did not know how to acknowledge that amazing weight loss without detracting from the compliment. I don't know why some people, especially those closest to us cannot simply tell us what a great job we do.

I agree with TiggersPal, you might want to tell her that her words hurt you very much. I am a Mother, I may have given backhanded compliments to my adult children, sometimes words are said and are not meant the way they sound. If one of them told me I hurt them I would never do it again. I also would want to know, it would break my heart if something I said hurt and I did not have the chance to apologize and make it up.