Can parents legally delay a child from starting kindergarten?

[ajh88]

The child has not been evaluated by a therapist or counselor that has made this recommendation - this is just the Mom doing what she wants to do.

I responded once, but I've been thinking more about this. The subject of the education of step-children is very near and dear to me but I will not get all caught up in my soapbox issue here.

Instead, I just wanted to suggest that perhaps your DH and his ex could agree to get your DSS evaluated by the school psychologist (at least that is who does the evaluations in our district) to assess kindergarten readiness. Actually, in our district a pre-kindergarten eval is required anyway, but I don't know that they turn any kids away based on the results.

Anyway, to add a personal experience to my advice - I was always one of the youngest in my class - August 19th birthday, plus I was a very small child. The kindergarten teacher did NOT think I should start and wanted my parents to keep me back until I turned 6. I was evaluated by the district psychologist and he strongly recommended I start school, so my parents went with his advice. So, perhaps an impartial, 3rd party evaluation could help to put the situation to rest without too much additional heartburn.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

I jsut want to start out by saying I have ONLY read your post and none that have repiled to you.
First off, as a parent, who is remarried, I will not allow my DH to have any say on what goes on with my kids. He is the STP father, not htere dad. It has caused problems at times, but it causes more problems when he has tried to get involved. So my best advice to you is to just butt out of it and let your DH take care of it.
I also see nothingwrong with him being held bac, In fact it is wise to hold back boys in alot of cases. My son was held back a year and his b-day is in Jan. He is 19 right now and graduating next week. He is still terribley imature for his age. Alot has to do with maturity as well as how prepared for school they are.
I also don't get why child supposrt would go down once a child goes into kindergarten. Thats ridiculous. Expense actually went up fpr me when my kids went in school ,so not sure why that would eve be ruled. I guess if day care expenses are now less, but still we had lots of other htings to pay for. And the older they get, the more it cost.
I also want to say that child support did not end for my son when he turned a8, but rahter when he turned 19 as he was still in school. I never knew this before, and certainly didn't hold him back a year because of this.

My suggestion to you is to just not worry about it. It really isn't your business. You may have to put up with your DH's wining a bit, but he'll get over it as well. This money to to help out the kids. And beleive me, I have heard many payors gripe that the mom is using it for herself, etc, while those of us he get paid complain becuase it is never enough. And if we were still together they would be paying much more on that child. Child support is supposed to cover not only child care expense, but food, clothes, a portion of the electricity, gas, rent, etc. My ex was order ed$40 a wekk. Tell me how that is to cover all that? He eats that much in food a week! LOL!
I also beleive that you can hold a child back till around the age of 8 (or so I have heard). I thin kby that time, if some sort of education isn't being administeered, then they can get in trouble. But being in kindergarten by age 5 is not a law.

I am sorry that your situation with your ex is so difficult. Our case is quite different. DH doesn't pay $40 a week. If you had read further in the thread you will see that I noted that DH's support to his ex is 86% of her household income. She has a full time job making more than minimum wage so you can do the math and see that he pays quite a bit. My issue is NOT with the fact that he pays child support - I knew that was the case when I married him. He was basically taken to the cleaners in the divorce because he wanted out of the marriage to her so bad. They "shared" an attorney which was a friend of hers to save costs and he walked away with very little scheduled visitation, the entire marital debt and support obligations that far exceeded the standard for his income. We are taking steps to rectify those areas which were prejudiced against him - especially the visitation issues.

The timing here is everything. This is a child who is not even 4 yet and she has already decided that in 16 months he will not be mature enough to enter kindergarten? This decision is made within 2 or 3 days of finding out that she lost a major court battle and now has to pay out a huge amount of money? Come on. This has nothing to do with that child's maturity. This is her way of still trying to have control over the situation. Period.

If next year when DH's son is within a few months of starting K at the legal age of 5 and he is too immature to keep up with the curriculum then of course that should be evaluated. The sheer fact that she brings this up NOW screams volumes as to her motivation.

Again, if you had read the thread you would also see me reply to another poster that I, too, am an ex-wife who would not appreciate my ex's new wife telling me how to raise my child BUT my situation is quite different. My ex and I are close friends who speak almost daily and I always consult him whenever there are decisions to be made about our children. My ex is always quick to offer to pay for extras if the kids need anything like field trip fees, vacation spending money or a fancy outfit to wear to a school dance.

Whereas my experience is that the parent who actually stays with the kid and does the parenting generally knows more than the visiting parent or their new spouse. If this woman is such a terrible mother, why isn't the father fighting for custody rather than reduced child support? My ex and his wife do NOT know as much about my son's needs as I do and it would be inappropriate for them to try to overrule me.

That has been discussed. When DH and his ex divorced they decided she should have primary physical custody because of his job situation (he is AD military). For the record, I never said the ex was a "terrible mother". I have said she is using the children as pawns for her own financial gain and to continue to manipulate DH. No parent is perfect but a Mother should at the very least put her child's needs above her own wants, shouldn't they?

 

[tam626]

If the kid is ready, then she really should start him at 5, but it sounds like that's really not the issue. Good luck. I hope for the kid's sake, the right thing is done.

 

[starbox]

FWIW - Most of the emergent educational research is very strongly suggesting that parents delay the start of kindergarten for boys until age six. If I had it to do over again, I would delay kindergarten for my son - and he was reading at age 4.

http://www.boysadrift.com/

 

[Disney1976]

Whereas my experience is that the parent who actually stays with the kid and does the parenting generally knows more than the visiting parent or their new spouse. If this woman is such a terrible mother, why isn't the father fighting for custody rather than reduced child support? My ex and his wife do NOT know as much about my son's needs as I do and it would be inappropriate for them to try to overrule me.

That may be so in your case, but the OP already said that her DH had joint legal custody, therefore, by the terms of the agreement, he MUST be included in major decisions. In fact, repeated violations of this can actually constitute grounds for a change of custody. And I agree with what the OP said, she never said the ex was a terrible mom, she was just asking a question.

 

[jodifla]

FWIW - Most of the emergent educational research is very strongly suggesting that parents delay the start of kindergarten for boys until age six. If I had it to do over again, I would delay kindergarten for my son - and he was reading at age 4.

http://www.boysadrift.com/

I see how boys struggle firsthand in my son's K class. It's a sit down, shut up and do your work mentality that's not developmentally appropriate for a lot of them.

The boys all start off ok during a lesson, but they go on so long, and turn into these long coloring sessions or excessive repetitions that don't benefit boys, that the boys really start to wander off.

 

[allison443]

Can a parent decide to hold a child back a year from starting kindergarten? DSS will turn 5 next June (2009) so he should be starting Kindergarten that fall. DH's ex told him that she has decided to hold him back a year so he will be 6 when he starts kindergarten. Her reasoning is so that he would be 18 when he is a Senior in High school.

This child is NOT immature or behind developmentally in any way, shape or form. He has been in preschool since he was a year old and can do all the typical things that 4 year olds can do and even more since he has an older brother at home to keep up with. The child has not been evaluated by a therapist or counselor that has made this recommendation - this is just the Mom doing what she wants to do.


Doesn't the state require a child to be enrolled in Kindergarten if they are 5 when the school year starts unless they are being homeschooled?

Also just wanted to add - my DD9 has a Sept birthday so we faced the same issues of when to start school. We chose to delay and I do regret it now as she is socially miles ahead of those in her class. I know girls are very differernt than boys in that aspect but if I had it to do over then I would have started her at 4 and let her turn 5 a month later in K. She would have been just fine.

Why are you asking (in your OP) if a parent can choose to delay the start of Kindergarten, when later on you state that you did exactly that with your DD?

In my area it is not common to delay kindergarten-the cutoff date is October 31, my dd has an early October birthday and she went "on time". She has four kids in her class with later October birthdays. If your daughter was in her class your daughter would be 13 months older than my dd. So since your daughter is a year older than the others, it really shouldn't be unexpected that she is socially miles ahead. Did you want her to have an advantage by delaying her start? Maybe that is what your DH's ex wants as well, just like you did.

 

[3princesses+aprince]

I sent my dd, now 8, on time, but chose to keep my dd6 from going into K an extra year. I decided to let her do another year of pre school, as was also recommended by her pre school teacher. the reasons for her staying in Pre K an extra year is that she has developmental delays. But knowing what I know now, I would have kept my dd8 back also, she also has a summer bday, and had just turned 5.
My dd4, who will be 5 in March will go on time. she'll be 5 and a half and already has so much drive to learn.
I think it depends on each child, and of course your states law.
But if your DSS's mom is keeping him out of K for more child support that isn't right, I agree. Most children love to learn, she's keeping him away from something good, if it's not out of concern for him.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Whereas my experience is that the parent who actually stays with the kid and does the parenting generally knows more than the visiting parent or their new spouse. If this woman is such a terrible mother, why isn't the father fighting for custody rather than reduced child support? My ex and his wife do NOT know as much about my son's needs as I do and it would be inappropriate for them to try to overrule me.

Sorry to quote you twice but I forgot to respond to a part of this. DH is not "fighting for reduced child support". We have been to court to uphold the ORIGINAL child support arrangement and to fight the trumped up case she had a family friend who is a judge sign off on - that is a whole other thread in of itself! That case was overturned by both levels of the appellate court. The original child support arrangement still puts DH's amount he pays well over the state standard for his wages but that is fine because that is what he agreed to pay. The original agreement included a stop to a part of that amount when the cost of full day daycare was no longer needed - i.e. when the youngest child entered full day public kindergarten. DH is in no way trying to get out of paying his child support. He would never, ever do that. He loves those kids with all of his heart and would do anything in the world for them. To suggest he is just trying to get out of paying support is totally unfair. That is not remotely the situation.

I responded once, but I've been thinking more about this. The subject of the education of step-children is very near and dear to me but I will not get all caught up in my soapbox issue here.

Instead, I just wanted to suggest that perhaps your DH and his ex could agree to get your DSS evaluated by the school psychologist (at least that is who does the evaluations in our district) to assess kindergarten readiness. Actually, in our district a pre-kindergarten eval is required anyway, but I don't know that they turn any kids away based on the results.

Anyway, to add a personal experience to my advice - I was always one of the youngest in my class - August 19th birthday, plus I was a very small child. The kindergarten teacher did NOT think I should start and wanted my parents to keep me back until I turned 6. I was evaluated by the district psychologist and he strongly recommended I start school, so my parents went with his advice. So, perhaps an impartial, 3rd party evaluation could help to put the situation to rest without too much additional heartburn.

I think that sounds like a great idea. The challenge would be finding that impartial 3rd party to evaluate the child. DH's ex lives in the rural South where everyone knows everyone else and has for generations. We have run into so many issues in family court because of this. One of her parents works for the local school district so finding someone who doesn't know the ex or her family would be hard to do.

I'm an early August birthday too and I never had any problems. Each child is an individual and boys are less mature than girls so we will just have to see what his maturity level is next year I guess.

If the kid is ready, then she really should start him at 5, but it sounds like that's really not the issue. Good luck. I hope for the kid's sake, the right thing is done.

I hope so too.

That may be so in your case, but the OP already said that her DH had joint legal custody, therefore, by the terms of the agreement, he MUST be included in major decisions. In fact, repeated violations of this can actually constitute grounds for a change of custody. And I agree with what the OP said, she never said the ex was a terrible mom, she was just asking a question.

I was honestly hoping there was some legal way to keep her from doing this just solely based on her whim. Ironically DH and I live in Maryland and if the ex lived here too then it wouldn't be an issue. LOL

As to your other suggestion about more overnight visitation - we would love to live close enough to have that option but we are about 1500 miles away so that could get costly! The joint stipulation now addresses visitation with the wording that the times have to be "mutually agreed upon". Guess who NEVER agrees unless it is convenient for HER???

I do appreciate the input and advice. Thanks!

 

[Disney1976]

Wow, there's no set schedule for visitation? I can understand the frustration then, especially when you are so far away. It certainly sounds like the agreement needs some tweaking! Maybe Florida is different in this regard, but where parents cannot agree to a visitation schedule (which happens, all the time, can you imagine, lol) the court orders a set visitation schedule that sets out a plan for summers, school breaks, holidays, etc. The amount of visitation tends to increase a little when the child gets older, too.

I would at least hope the visitation agreement says the parties split the cost of visitation/travel expenses?

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Why are you asking (in your OP) if a parent can choose to delay the start of Kindergarten, when later on you state that you did exactly that with your DD?

In my area it is not common to delay kindergarten-the cutoff date is October 31, my dd has an early October birthday and she went "on time". She has four kids in her class with later October birthdays. If your daughter was in her class your daughter would be 13 months older than my dd. So since your daughter is a year older than the others, it really shouldn't be unexpected that she is socially miles ahead. Did you want her to have an advantage by delaying her start? Maybe that is what your DH's ex wants as well, just like you did.

No, no, no. Sorry for the confusion. DH's ex and kids live in a Southern state - I didn't know the legalities of that state and DH has posed that legalities question to his attorney. We are a military family and move all over - currently we live in MD. When DD9 started K she did so in SC where the law set a cutoff date and her birthday was less than a month after that date. We could have had her tested in to start at age FOUR so she would turn 5 while in K but after consulting with my other DDs K teacher we decided to wait until DD was 5 at the start of the school year. DD9 had never been in any type of structured preschool or daycare setting prior to that so we enrolled her at age 4 into a preschool to get her used to the structure and routine of "school". She started K when she was legally supposed to - at age 5.

DH's ex wants to delay her son from starting K until he is SIX years and 3 months old. This child is still THREE right now. She started her other son on time at age 5 and had even wanted to start him at 4.

Does that make sense?

Wow, there's no set schedule for visitation? I can understand the frustration then, especially when you are so far away. It certainly sounds like the agreement needs some tweaking! Maybe Florida is different in this regard, but where parents cannot agree to a visitation schedule (which happens, all the time, can you imagine, lol) the court orders a set visitation schedule that sets out a plan for summers, school breaks, holidays, etc. The amount of visitation tends to increase a little when the child gets older, too.

I would at least hope the visitation agreement says the parties split the cost of visitation/travel expenses?

Nope - no set schedule. Everything regarding visitation is very vague but it does state he gets the actual holiday of Thanksgiving or Christmas (no wording for days before and after) on alternate years. Their original attorney was a real estate attorney who was a friend of the ex's family. DH got hosed.

Oh and NOPE there is no wording at all about travel costs. He has had to pay 100% of that too.

The ex walked away debt free with a higher income in child support than the majority of her neighors made from their full time jobs with a free new car, a year of car insurance, a huge amount of nice furniture and health insurance costs paid.

We could write a book on the legal mess we have been trying to untangle. All I can say is thank heavens for the appellate court and the panel of judges that actually uphold the laws in that state.

 

[PaulaSue]

OP, not in PA and many people wait an extra year to start K here. Especially with boys and spring/summer b-days.

 

[meljellis]

We live in Georgia and I don't think kindergarten is mandatory, but don't quote me on that. Our pediatrician told me that as long as a child is enrolled in school by age six that you are within your legal rights. I am not sure how the laws are really. That being said, we held DS back. He has an August birthday. He turned 6 during his second week of kindergarten. It wasn't for academic purposes though. He was right on schedule in the academic department. He need the extra time to mature. He was not socially ready for Kindergarten. He did the 3-year-old preschool class twice and then went to Pre-K when he was 5. It helped him so much. We struggled with whether or not to hold him back but now I know that we made the best decision.

 

[llori7]

As far as I know there is no law. My ds will be turning 5 in july and we are not choosing to send him. We will wait until he is 6. This is a decision every family has to make. In our school district most parents choose to wait to send thier kids. I'm not sure in your situation what the reason is but just letting you know there are others that are waiting too.

My son is also turning 5 the end of July. We are waiting to send him too. I feel that is what is best for him.

 

[Girly_Qs]

Not going to get in a (potentially) ugly debate, but since so many seem to be stating that it's nearly always 'right and beneficial' to artificially hold a child back from school (not saying that it is never justified, in fact I think it pretty much always needs to be a case by case basis), I thought I'd share a VERY interesting report (with LOTS of quantitative data behind it):

http://www.nationdeceived.org/

IMO, the decision to send (or not) shouldn't really be based on a birthdate at all, but rather READINESS (academic, social, emotional, etc).

I hope that your dh's son has done what is *truly* best for him (whichever way that may be).

 

[jenseib]

That may be so in your case, but the OP already said that her DH had joint legal custody, therefore, by the terms of the agreement, he MUST be included in major decisions. In fact, repeated violations of this can actually constitute grounds for a change of custody. And I agree with what the OP said, she never said the ex was a terrible mom, she was just asking a question.

I again, have to disagree. My DD was in my custody all her life, until last year at the age of 15. She decided to go live with her dad full time. (dad had also just put in a pool and lets her have friend so ver several times a week, while I allow it only a few times a month). It hurt my feelings, but nothing I can do about it, and we have a better relationship now. We changed the custody to joint. No one pays child support, and we are to both have say in what goes on, BUT it states that in joint custody, the parent who the child is living with has the FINAL say on everything. So if we don't agree, he has the final say, unless I want to take it to court. When it comes to Dr issues, etc, he is the one who has the final say. Unless it is stated differently in the custody papers, this is the guidelines used by the courts. They also have suggested guidlelines for visitation. (like every other weekend, and once a week, and so many weeks a year for vacation) But each couple is allowed to vary from it as long as they agree. But if trouble brews, then this is what is to be followed. Again, unless stated what the terms are exactly in the custody papers.

So in joint custody, even though the custody is supposedly joint, one parent is still the one who has the finall say. Usually the one the child spends a greater percentage of time with. Or the place that is considered their legal address.

Again, I think that the OP shouldn't bbe concerned with this. This is for her DH and ex to work out. And she may not like the way the divorce was done, but he signed the papers. If he really didn't want it like this, he should've gotten his own lawyer or fought a little more. This kid is ONLY 3 right now. So that means his divorce is still pretty new. And to be fighting the terms already just baffles me. Sounds like he is getting influenced by someone now. And I was under the understanding that once something is set up in custody and child support, it has to stay that way for a certain amount of years before it can be changed. I know with child support, once it is rasied, you can't ask for it to be rasied again even if the payor has jsut got a nmew job that triples his/her income, until the time has elasped. As for appeals. That just disgusts me. I know you guys don't care for the ex, but this is kids you are talking about. If she doesn't have the money, the kids go without. I had no college education. Just a cosmotology license. I didn't make more than minimum wage either. I couldn't afford to get more education. I had kids to take care of, and if I could afford the education, I cetainly couldn't afford the daycare for them while I went. Sadly, it may not be her fault that she can't get a better paying job. I certainly wish I would've waited for kids, seeing how hard it was raising them on my own. I struggled for years and years. And when my firend would complain about how much her DH was paying in child support, I would have to remind her how things were for me. For some reason, she could understand it for me, but still had issues with the paying side. I guess no one wants to pay money out to exes. Especially new wives.

 

[eyeheartgoofy]

I think it is pretty common to wait a year to start K for boys with summer birthdays. I mean, maybe the ex-wife is just in it for the money - but I think she is well within her bounds and I can't imagine anyone forcing her to make the child enter K as a young 5.

 

[RN01]

My daughter birthday is August 31 which is one day before the cut off in IL. I didn't send her untill the next year because she just wasn't ready. I wasn't the only one either because in her class of 13 there was 5 whose birthdays were in August that waited also.

 

[sk!mom]

In my state, yes.

I actually know several people who have delayed starting a child with a Summer birthday. In all cases they have been happy with their decision- feeling that there child was more mature and ready for school a year later. Among the oldest in their class rather than the youngest..

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Again, I think that the OP shouldn't bbe concerned with this. This is for her DH and ex to work out. And she may not like the way the divorce was done, but he signed the papers. If he really didn't want it like this, he should've gotten his own lawyer or fought a little more. This kid is ONLY 3 right now. So that means his divorce is still pretty new. And to be fighting the terms already just baffles me. Sounds like he is getting influenced by someone now. And I was under the understanding that once something is set up in custody and child support, it has to stay that way for a certain amount of years before it can be changed. I know with child support, once it is rasied, you can't ask for it to be rasied again even if the payor has jsut got a nmew job that triples his/her income, until the time has elasped. As for appeals. That just disgusts me. I know you guys don't care for the ex, but this is kids you are talking about. If she doesn't have the money, the kids go without. I had no college education. Just a cosmotology license. I didn't make more than minimum wage either. I couldn't afford to get more education. I had kids to take care of, and if I could afford the education, I cetainly couldn't afford the daycare for them while I went. Sadly, it may not be her fault that she can't get a better paying job. I certainly wish I would've waited for kids, seeing how hard it was raising them on my own. I struggled for years and years. And when my firend would complain about how much her DH was paying in child support, I would have to remind her how things were for me. For some reason, she could understand it for me, but still had issues with the paying side. I guess no one wants to pay money out to exes. Especially new wives.

Oh, geez. YES I KNOW this is DH's fight with his ex but I have been trying to dig up information for him. Again, your situation is much different than ours so please stop trying to compare the two - trust me, they are miles apart in reality. DH's ex is not the poor "struggling single Mom" you are implying. Her parents live close by and so do most of her friends - she has an extensive free child care support system built right in. 90% of the time when DH calls his kids it is the Grandmother who answers the phone because the ex is out with her friends or her boyfriend. She does NOT have a minimum wage job (I stated she made more than min wage) and is actually completing her degree now. She was able to qualify for a huge 3br/2ba house in an upscale neighborhood on her income and child support alone so they aren't at home eating Ramen every night. And YES we have every right to appeal a court's decision when the laws are not followed by a judge who is friends with the ex's Dad and ruled from the bench without so much as reading the case log! The appellate court ruled in our favor because of the inappropriate ruling the original judge made AND because the original divorce degree/joint stipulation is so wrought with blatant mistakes that it needs to be revised simply to follow the state laws. We are the ones following the law here. We didn't bring that case to court - the ex did and she ended up losing because she was wrong in the eyes of the law. Why does that make us horrible people?

No, the divorce is not "new". They divorced just after the child in question was born. He was just over 4 months old when the paperwork was filed. The child will turn 4 years old in a couple of weeks.

All ex-wives are not evil incarnate nor are all ex-husbands who are tired of being viewed as walking ATMs. My DH loves his kids and provides quite well financially for them - more than the state requires and then some. All new wives aren't greedy witches who want to rip money away from the stepchildren either. Just so you know.

I think it is pretty common to wait a year to start K for boys with summer birthdays. I mean, maybe the ex-wife is just in it for the money - but I think she is well within her bounds and I can't imagine anyone forcing her to make the child enter K as a young 5.

No one is going to force the child to do anything. My original question was to the legality of the Mother being able to hold a child back without a valid reason or any type of documentation from medical professionals.

I agree with the PPs who said that each child should be evaluated as an individual to see if they are prepared for Kindergarten. Some boys are ready at 5 and some are not. My question again was to the legal issues surrounding the delay.