Can Meds Make you Mean? (Help!)

[gopherit]

Let me clarify -- I am not one to normally discuss a fam member in a way that I couldn't also say to their face -- However, exception now applies. Trust me when I say that if my mother were to read this, she would not recognize herself AT ALL.

My mother (age 76) had a heart attack about 2 yrs ago. SInce that time, she has moved from Fla. to live near my sister. My mother has always been an independent bird, so I'm sure the "dependency" that a medical condition places on one is NOT making her happy. Docs put her on a variety of meds, one of which was Welbutrin (she was in the process of quitting her life-long smoking habit -- also NOT making her happy!) Recently, however -- she has decided to just up and quit some of the meds. I can understand part of her desire -- the meds make her feel like poop, she bruises so readily, her legs ache, and the doctors just don't seem to think that's "possible". She says she would rather live 5 years happy than 10 years in pain -- a reasonable request, I'd say, and it's her life.

HOWEVER... lately I just cannot even have a conversation with the woman. For whatever reason, she is obsessed with the political race right now. She is EXTREME democrat -- and not that I have issue with that, it's just that I find it ironic, given her position through the years on various key issues. I mean, EXTREME. LIke, would bathe Kerry's feet with her tongue, I swear. And EXTREME negativity towards Republicans. I happened to let it slip that I was taking my boys to see Bush somewhere. Mind you -- my boys have no idea what a "platform" or "agenda" is -- they are 8 and 9 yrs old, and they are looking at this opportunity (through their school) as a chance to "see someone from television". If it were 5 years ago and it were Clinton, they would feel the same way. Well... my mother gave me a litany for about 10 minutes on how bad the republicans are, then a 5 minute pity me speech on how she failed us as a parent, if we all "turned out republican" (which I'm actually independent), then 5 more minutes of reasoning WHY I shouldn't be taking the boys there (excuses from "you're all too busy -- you should take the day to rest" to everything short of "they will brainwash you all!!!") I tried to change the subject to family news, mentioning that my SIL was expecting. Mind you -- my mother has never met my BIL's wife, even. But she somehow felt entitled to basically paste this woman and BIL for the next 10 minutes! I was stunned.

I called my sister to ask --WHAT GIVES? Poor sister could only confirm. Says she gets a daily dose of it. Mother calls her over there on some other premise, then lights into the political stuff, and also takes a few jabs at sister's parenting skills while she's at it. And Mom has become so thirsty for anything that supports her point of view, she will buy or read anything. THis is a woman who has been staunchly religious (Catholic) all her life, but now thinks it has ties to the republican party and is about ready to chuck it! HUH?!?!?! I waited 2 weeks for her to settle down, then called her yesterday, as DH is wanting to know where we are going for THanksgiving (the ol' tour for World Peace -- his family's house up north or mine down south?) My brother's wife had a baby recently, and I thought it would be great if we could choose the same holiday timing to head south, so we could also see the baby. So I needed to know who was planning to show up for what holiday. And here's how the conversation went:

"Mom, I was just wondering -"
"When the election is? IT's November 2nd!"
"No. What I was wondering, is if you know- "
"When the debates are on TV? That's this week, at [time / channel] !!"
"NO. I WANTED to know who you thought might be - "
"The Next President of the United States? John Kerry!"
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AUGHHHHHHH!
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I told DH we may as well go see my brother over Turkey Day, because no matter WHO wins in Novemeber, it will be he-- in my mom's house. If Kerry wins, she will cram it down our throats (because, as I pointed out, she firmly believes for some reason that we have Bush shrines at our house) And if Bush wins, then she will sulk, and if anyone says anything negative, she will spin it like it's our / Bush's fault. ("Oh -- so the turkey's a bit dry? You can thank your pal BUSH for that. We poor senior citizens don't have enough money now to buy JUICY turkeys -- those are all for the wealthy Republicans!") You think I jest -- but I don't.

And I just can't subject my kids to it. She has an opinion on EVERYTHING -- and it's her way or the highway. My kids are quite honestly a bit afraid of her -- and she can't understand why. (What? Afraid? Well why? Don't you raise your kids to respect their elders? You are too soft on them, you cater to them too much!) DOUBLE AUGHHH!

So tell me -- is it just old age? Has anyone else noticed their aging parents getting meaner? Is it her meds -- do I need to call her doctor? Is it just her loss of control in her life, that she feels she has to control ours (right down to our religious and political views)? Is it just the politics and she's taken it up as an obsessive hobby? I mean, she has always been an opinionated woman -- but now, there is NO compromise. You say black, she says white, you offer gray as a compromise, and she says NO WAY (and then spends the next 20 minutes in your face as to WHY you are so so so WRONG.) I know she is lonely -- that is part of the problem. But I also know that short of Al Gore or Ted Kennedy, she will alienate anyone she comes into contact with by virtue of the intensity of her monologues! It's a vicious cycle. I hate the thought of not being able to be around her -- I do love her and care for her. But I know I'm gonna lose my cool if she attacks me -- and ESPECIALLY if she attacks the kids.

Any advice? Or should I just go buy myself a turkey now and make plans to stay home?

 

[Tiggeroo]

if this is a change in personality, it sounds like something is going on. I think you should make a list of all her scripts and the ones she recently stopped taking. Take them to a dr. you trust or possibly even a pharmacist and ask about side effects and interactions. It also sounds like she needs a physical and a second opinion on her meds. If she is complaining to her dr. about side effects and he isn't taking her seriously then that's wrong. Call the nearest teaching hospital and get the name of a dr. who specializes in the elderly and try to get your mom in for a consult.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It is quite OK to not see her on Thanksgiving, in fact it is probably better you don't.

You are pretty clear that you may "lose it" so staying away is best for the long run as far as relationships go.

I had to deal with many things with my parents & IL's and sometimes it does get weird. I have learned not to jump into the frying pan anymore and life is good!

 

[minniepumpernickel]

I wonder if illness in general makes people meaner? I've noticed that some of my relatives get meaner as they get older and come down with conditions. Then I kind of wonder if the "meaness" is what helps them survive the illness.

I just try to avoid them until they are in better moods. Maybe you could ask your doctor, or religious leader, or something.

 

[btass]

Originally posted by Tiggeroo
if this is a change in personality, it sounds like something is going on.

I completely agree!

My father just got out of the hospital from a serious intestinal infection and a stroke. He was ANGRY AT EVERYTHING until he was forced into the ambulance, taken to the hospital and forced to get well.

I was taking his screaming fits for about 3 months until he was taken to the hospital, now he is back to being the happy go lucky guy he used to be, the one that I missed terribly and was confused because I didn't know where he went and what was causing the wierd/angry behavior. I stopped taking my DS to see my dad about a month before he went to the hospital, now they see each other every weekend again.

I know it's hard, but sometimes parents need help and we as their children are the ones to do it. Try to get the list of meds without your mom knowing, try contacting her doctor without her knowing at tell them what you have seen happening, that might trigger them to do something more for her then they are.

 

[HisEllyNelly]

Well I would defintitely question the doc if this change in personality is really sudden and severe. That being said, I have noticed my Dad getting grumpier and grumpier as he gets old and has more ailments. I try not to let it get to me and even joke with him how he could have had a part in the movie Grumpy Old Men. He tends to realise he is acting out of sorts though and will apologise sometimes if its really bad. But good luck and definitely check with the doc about those meds. My mom was just put on plavix (I think thats what it was...blood thinner) she bruised so easy the doc took her off. Sometimes the meds are just not right for some people and they would do better on something else. I hope the wellbutrin is not one of the meds she just stopped taking. I know when I have stopped taking an anti-depressant suddenly....it totally messed me up.

 

[Lachesis00]

(((hugs)))) I have to admit I did giggle about the turkey comment (they would have dry turkey and it was all b/c of Bush being re-elected) but I know it isn't funny to you.

Someone should get her into her doctor and let him know Especially if it seems to have come on from stopping meds suddenly.

 

[Morticia]

You poor thing. I know exactly what you are going through.

My MIL went through the same thing the last few years of her life. She had congestive heart failure & was also a smoker. She quit smoking b/c of health problems & the vitriol began.

I think it is all the above, old age, fear of dying, poor health, meds, quitting smoking & loss of independance.
I would suggest getting your mother back on wellbutrin. My husband & I regretted not having his mother on one earlier. It really helped her deal w/all that was changing in her life & gave her the calmness to accept her inability to do anything about it.

Remember, & I know it is hard, she is still your mother who you love & loves you.
Oh, btw, my MIL was also an extreme Dem. Kind of funny huh?

Does your mother live alone or w/someone?

 

[Kitty 34]

I also know what you're going thru. My MIL had congestive heart failure amongst many other ailments and had pills for everything. Her last couple of years she was so mean and so unhappy. I felt bad for her but it was still hard to be with her when she started on one of her many rampages....very verbal indeed.

Good luck and {{{{HUGS}}}}

 

[MB MinnieGirl]

I know exactly how you feel and I am so sorry you are going through this. YES. Medications can certainly affect the way your mother is acting - stopping medicaions abruptly can as well.

My mother suffered a heart attack last year while under going treatment for cancer...a hard time to say the least. Well, with about 6 different Dr.'s and 3 times that many drugs she was prescribed - things were TERRIBLE! She would NOT listen to my father or I when we would tell her she was cruel, dazed, appeared drunk (even stated by my DD4 teacher on a field trip) - she blmaed everything else including us.

I went online and looked up EVERY single medicine whe was on. The side effect list was staggering to say the least and the interactions even worse....she still didn't get it. Her Dr. FINALLY sent her to a "specialist" who deals solely with the interaction of medications. Well, since a "professional" has now told her exactly what we have known for over a year - she is backing off the drugs. There are some she was able to toss, but the largest majority (one of them Wellbutrin) she has to tapper off of slowly. It has only been a week and there is already a HUGE difference. For the first time in well over a year it seems I am finally getting my mother back.

If you would like any of the sites I went to, please feel free to pm me...or if you just want to vent...it's hard - very hard to deal with - and becomes VERY frustrating. If this indeed is a true change in your moms personality then I would certainly get the names and doseages of all her meds...then start your research!

If nothing has changed - do not feel guilty about not having your children around her for Thanksgiving - you have to think of them first. I have not let my mother be alone with my DD4 or drive her anywhere in over a year - because it is not safe (she wasn't just mean but was dopey all the time!). My first phone call would be to her Dr. to discuss the changes and the medications. Also, find out if she is seeing more than 1 Dr.

I'll send lots of PD and prayers your way - I know this is a hard thing to deal with....

 

[mickyzzzzz05]

It could be the meds (partly) and you may have a problem discussing anything with her dr. (because of the new privacy laws) without her permission. You could discuss things generally with a druggist or another dr but her dr would be unable to give you much information or be able to discuss it with you legally unless you had power of attorney over her medical affairs. (I think this is right anyway - I work part-time at the pharmacy and we can not give out specific patient info but would be able to discuss medication effects generally although not be able to say what drugs the patient was on.)

I do know what you mean because we have the same situation in our family. My parents (mostly my father) has been this way since Clinton. He loves Clinton and hate Bush - fanatically - everything happens because Bush was elected. After the election we heard constantly how it was stolen and even how Bush's smirk was so irritating to him. Clinton being able to serve as many terms as president would be the ideal situation for my dad.

We still get together and try to at all costs avoid any politcal discussion. I am sometimes unable to refrain from saying, "I have a different opinion on that" but mostly let it go. We discussed this at length with our children (who are now much older) and just told them that Grampa was very passionate about his Democratic beliefs as were many people and that although we disagreed - for the sake of family ties we were going to for the most part ignore political statements made.

I wish you luck with this.

 

[gopherit]

Thanks for the replies.

As to whether this is a complete turn in her personality -- well, it's more like an exacerbation of it. She was always fiesty and had her soapbox moments, but she also loved to just relax and laugh things off -- not anymore. ANd the fact that she's turned to such dubious forms of information -- like tabloids? Cheap writers? She's getting info about her faith from fiction novelists... if she has questions, good grief, she should be consulting with various clergy instead. She's a smart educated woman who always decried such info outlets before -- but now, if something agrees with her opinion, it's RIGHT...and if it doesn't (even if it came down to earth in the form of stone tablets or a burning shrub), it's WRONG.

THe political party stuff is just one example, and I use it not because I care what party my mother votes for -- like religion, party choice is everyone's right! It's just that it demonstrates this irrational flip-flop and/or intensification in beliefs. For example, she was always a Democrat, but now I swear she would die for the cause, throwing herself in front of Edwards and Kerry when crossing a busy street.

She was always opinionated and liked a good debate -- but she had enough etiquette, if you will, to at least let the other person have a say. Now the word "conversation" for her means "I talk -- you listen". I should also note that not everything she is doing is done with an angry face -- she positively DELIGHTS sometimes when she relates her views on things.

As i have said, she has waffled with her newfound passion on areas where she formerly stood firm. I recall that my SIL's brother gave my mother and I a little quiz about 3 years ago. It asked all sorts of questions about your beliefs & position on key issues. He didn't tell us what the quiz was for; I actually thought it was one of those tests that would tell you what religious denomination you should be in. In the end, it told you what political party platform you embrace. I came up as a Libertarian -- I'm not too surprised by that. But Mother came up decidedly Republican. Woof. She wasn't happy about it, but she could laugh it off. Now? I think SIL's brother would be a Dead Man Walkin'.

If she were saying "I'm voting Kerry because I just don't want Bush" I could understand that -- there are surely a fair # of republicans voting Democrat because they aren't keen on the candidate for whatever reason (and vice-versa!) But instead, she's taking everything she ever believed in and twisting it around so that her beliefs now match those of the Democratic party 100%. And honestly, she's LOOKING for a fight with all of us. I think she would be disappointed if we were all Democrats...She WANTS a debate, and this issue is what she's latched onto.

I told my sister that as painful as it is to see Mom so politically obsessed, she should enjoy now to November... because when the election is over, Mom will need something else to be passionately argumentative over -- and it will most likely be whatever my sister is doing / hasn't done in her life!

Thanks again for the input. I regret that I can't go to the drs with my mother -- ironically, when she goes to a dr's office, she is a real pussycat. It's all "Yes Dr, No Dr." I went with her to a cardio visit and it was me who did all the questioning -- she was almost flirty, the way she acted. My sister has echoed these findings -- we can't figure it out! She saves her teeth for us kids, I guess!