Can I vent about DH - he just doesn't get it!

[Michelle and crew]

Or go to Orlando and play at the pool and other free stuff.

 

[JandJ]

My first thought was that maybe your husband simply doesn't want all of you to tag along with him on a work trip. My husband travels sometimes as well and sometimes he uses those trips as his break from the craziness that is our household. I'm okay with that because I do the same thing when I travel. Maybe he doesn't want the stress and anxiety that goes with having the whole family along on a required work trip. Men often don't know how to tell us those things because we usually don't receive them well.

This was actually my first thought, too. You're getting great input from everyone and I suggest you talk to your DH and see what's really behind his attitude about this trip.

 

[jmkst58]

Well, just my gut reaction is that his flying off the handle probably doesn't have anything to do with the reasons he's giving you. I'm more inclined to agree with the PPs that think he just wants some family-free time. I have a friend that travels quite a bit for work and his convention stories can be pretty wild. When's the last time he's had a boys night out?

Yes- the 'out of character' reaction from him gave me a similar gut feeling too. so strange

I don't think anyone has mentioned this, but could you guys compromise on the vacation. Maybe go to Orlando with him, but do it much cheaper. $3,000 is a lot of money. Perhaps you could just do Sea World or something this trip, you can get really good deals on tickets there, plus if you buy a 1 day ticket you get to go again for free. You could go to Sea World 2 days, hang out at the hotel pool, go to the zoo, ect. And it would be a lot less than $3,000 and still give your family time away.

Just a thought.
Erin

Or go to Orlando and play at the pool and other free stuff.

And yes- that is exactly what I would do- plan the absolute cheapest vacation possible- so that he can't say no. There are SOOO many free and cheap things that I want to do in and around disney but we can't seem to let our annual passes expire for some reason (it's a sickness, really). And I keep saying, "when we let your passes expire... I want to...." And yeah- we never get to do all the other things in and around Disney- instead of the parks. If he still rejects your plans and blames it on money- I'd be tempted to think that it is really about something else.

 

[crisi]

Well, just my gut reaction is that his flying off the handle probably doesn't have anything to do with the reasons he's giving you. I'm more inclined to agree with the PPs that think he just wants some family-free time. I have a friend that travels quite a bit for work and his convention stories can be pretty wild. When's the last time he's had a boys night out?

I suspect that the truth is more in line with ancestry's thoughts - when I go to conventions I'm not looking forward to "wild nights" - I'm looking forward to a TV remote all to myself, maybe a drink with dinner, and three hours on a plane with a book and no one saying "Mom!!!!" Maybe a chance to see a little bit of whatever town I'm in. But last convention I was at the convention center every morning by eight am and seldom left before 8 at night.

 

[aprilfoolwed]

I think the issue the OP is having is that she thought they were on the same page, she's doing trip research on a trip she thought they had BOTH agreed on, and out of nowhere he flies off the handle about it.

YES! This is it exactly. Both DH and I know that we have to pay off some debt (it's just about $3000 at this point and we are making good, steady progress on it) and that we MUST have the cash to cover ANY vacation (not just WDW, or Orlando - anything). We've agreed on that, he expressed an interest in taking us all down to Orlando again, we talked about taking his parents (FWIW, his father would hate Disney, so we don't even suggest he go for more than one day. My MIL would likely attend the conference with my DH and my MIL and I would take the kids. My MIL would LOVE LOVE LOVE to travel but does get to because of my FIL), and looked at condos/townhomes/pool homes together....

So it's a puzzle. It certainly is not that he wants to go to strip clubs on his convention! LOL Even DH would be LOL at that one!

We also talked about just the two of us going on a trip - one we never got to do last year for our 10th anniversary. Maybe he was looking forward to time alone with just me, and it's turned into a family vacation???

We'll talk more tonight.

 

[luvsJack]

Maybe he just had a bad day?


Just about everytime I price out a trip to WDW, dh will burst my bubble by saying "well, first we need to. . ." But after a bit of brainstorming, we figure out how to do both.

Of course, horrors of horrors, I believe that it is perfectly ok to go on a vacation AND pay off your cc debt at the same time. I am also a believer in my kids are only young once and if I CAN give them a WDW trip (along with paying the bills), then I will.

Maybe you should just ask him. Is there a $ amount that he would be willing to spend on a trip. Maybe you could just do one day at Sea World and a couple of days at Universal and spend others at the pool or something like that. Compromise can be good.


Actually, some of the pp are right; $3000 would be a great amount to put toward your new house; but if I am understanding correctly you are in school and are saying that you will not be able to pay the mortgage payments on a new home until you get out of school and get a job, right? I understand that . I also understand wanting to do things with your kids NOW and not wait until 5 years down the road and you have the house. Its a tough choice, ya'll just need to get on the same page.

 

[aprilfoolwed]

$3000 would do a lot towards the purchase of a new house.

In the grand scheme of the price it may not, but what about if you need to do 'fix-ups' to the new place...curtains, carpet, appliances and the like. $3K would cover a lot of small things that might need to be done.

It sounds like the 2 of you are on different pages of what you want to do with your money in the next couple of years.

I know that $3000 is a lot of money - no doubt. But we have a lot of equity, so we have a sizable downpayment ready once we sell our current home (in a very desirable neighborhood where homes still sell for nearly $100000 MORE than what we paid for ours in 2003 - and sell quickly). It's just that we don't have enough income to get to the next level. Even with a sizable down payment, there is no way we could afford a home that is worth moving into (I am not being snobby - I just mean that some homes we have looked at just weren't right for us, and for the money, I would rather stay in my current home - which is fixed up the way I like it - than get the bigger wrong house KWIM?).

So yes, $3000 would help IF we were indeed buying a house. It would pay closing costs. But we are NOT buying a house within the next 3-4 years because we can't afford the type of home we would like. If I knew that there was even a remote chance that we could afford something, I would be nixing vacations in favor of prepping for a move - but it's not going to happen.

FWIW - we live very modestly. Our cars are paid for, we don't spend a lot on most things, and we are working hard to pay off the little debt we have.

We took very small vacations when the kids were younger, and had great times. If my DH's convention would be anywhere BUT Orlando, we would not be talking about Orlando at all. We'd do something closer to home.

 

[aprilfoolwed]

Maybe he just had a bad day?


Maybe you should just ask him. Is there a $ amount that he would be willing to spend on a trip. Maybe you could just do one day at Sea World and a couple of days at Universal and spend others at the pool or something like that. Compromise can be good.


Actually, some of the pp are right; $3000 would be a great amount to put toward your new house; but if I am understanding correctly you are in school and are saying that you will not be able to pay the mortgage payments on a new home until you get out of school and get a job, right? I understand that . I also understand wanting to do things with your kids NOW and not wait until 5 years down the road and you have the house.

Yes, you got it right! I am in school (DH works for a college, so I go tuition free as long as I don't take more than 2 classes per semester, so it will take 4-5 years until I am done. Slow and steady...). And yes, we can't afford a bugger mortgage until either our income increases (most likely from me working full-time) or we significantly pay down our current mortgage (over time). There is no way I want to stop taking trips with the kids - they are at great ages for trips!

And also, yes, I have been considering smaller trips. That was the whole reason I was looking at ticket prices - so we could compare costs and come up with a plan. It's my opinion that you can't say if you can afford a vacation unless you know what it will cost. So I have been figuring how much it will cost to do various activities and stay in various places. Our first discussion about this possible trip involved Sea World, swimming in the pool and staying in a very affordable condo. Certainly no where near $3000. I was using that as a figure because that's what our last two trips ended up costing, but they were much more involved.

 

[Kay1]

Our first discussion about this possible trip involved Sea World, swimming in the pool and staying in a very affordable condo.

Then he just flipped when he saw the numbers. You had talked about a very modest trip, then suddenly you're there showing him expensive ticket prices. You wouldn't show him those ticket prices if you weren't considering buying the tickets and he knows that. Maybe he's thinking, "Darn. I knew this would end up being more than we talked about." Or something along those lines.

 

[Michelle and crew]

Then he just flipped when he saw the numbers. You had talked about a very modest trip, then suddenly you're there showing him expensive ticket prices. You wouldn't show him those ticket prices if you weren't considering buying the tickets and he knows that. Maybe he's thinking, "Darn. I knew this would end up being more than we talked about." Or something along those lines.

yep.

 

[SandrA9810]

Well this past summer Sea World offered great discount incentives. I would take a peak at those, compare prices, and if they do show up next year you can take advantage of it.
Many times, it pays to purchase 1 annual pass. You get free parking and 8$ off each 1 day ticket you purchase for friends or family. Plus 10% off food and merchandise. This past summer, they offered Passholders one free ticket to bring a friend along, and 20$ off each additional ticket purchased. Each ticket purchased could be used for a second free day.
The also did child's ticket for 5$. Certain provisions were applied, like no second free day. So if you purchased the annual pass plus the 5$ ticket in one transaction, you could get the same child a free day with the annual pass. Then your other children could receive the 20$ off each of their tickets with second day free.
(just strictly examples here...)

10 years down the road is a long time for thinking about purchasing a house. To me, it seems like that would be a little late for upgrading because in another 5 years you'd probably want to downsizing as the kids left. Is it the size of your family drawing you to a bigger house or just having more space?? I could see it if you were still just a couple and the kids weren't around yet, even 10yrs down the road will still give you plenty of family time in the house.
You say your kids are 9, 7, and 4. Add ten years to that.
You're going to have a daughter heading off to college, may or may not move out depending on the college, but defiantly getting an independent life.
You'll have a son who will be graduating high school, and following in his sister's footsteps in a year or so.
And the only one left to enjoy the new house is going to be the youngest son, just start off at high school. And then he'll have a ton of space to himself, and wind up turning your house into the neighborhood hang out house.

In 20 years, you're probably going to be back to empty nester's, in this huge house, and possibly looking for downsizing once again. That gives you 10 years in this dream house. And all these childhood memories are going to living at the house you are in now.
Now is the time to be moving, now is the time to be saving your butt off for that house. Even if it takes just 5 years, that'll give you an opportunity to provide that lifestyle you want for your kids. While they are kids, while they can enjoy it. Not after they've grown up.

If it's the bigger house you really absolutely desire for your family, then you need to be saving like mad for when you land that full time job, that you say you can obtain within the next 5 years. Then you can purchase that house. And 3,000$ is going to put a huge dent into that savings.


BTW, your siggy is a bit off... you might want to change it to say "June 2011" not 2010, that's come and gone.

 

[Michelle and crew]

I tend to agree. There are really cheap options even without a theme park, and a house for when the kids are tweens/teens is nice. My house always has several extra kids.

 

[hffmnheidi]

I am in the camp that says go with your kids when they are young, whatever the vacation, if you can afford to go with cash.

My parents were never able to take my brothers and I on vacations when we were kids, and they definitely regret not having those memories now that they have grandkids that ask 'where did you take daddy, uncle, and Aunt Heidi on summer vacation'-hard to tell a grandchild 'nowhere'.

 

[swilshire]

Just ride along with him and go to the parks while he works. That couldn't be very expensive. You'd only have ticket and food costs, and typically travel per diems are more than one person can spend. I had a 13 day trip in August and saved over $700 by being very frugal.

Sheila

 

[Michelle and crew]

tickets alone are high, let alone eating in the parks.

 

[brenalexacamp]

and that's why I work extra and plan the trip- if he wants to coe- great- if not- I go by myself! i have a 17yr old with down's- he loves it! dh came with us in july- we did a big trip- i even bought the dvc! he'll come again. and he's happy to drive me to the airport!

I should add- my kids are 21, 17, and 16. I have been with my dh for 25 years.

 

[melancholywings]

If he's very into saving up for the next house, but you're very much the trip taker type - I would suggest making a travel jar - a jar or a savings account where you throw in money that will only be used for traveling. We've done this and it's helped trips feel less overwhelming when it comes to balancing our budget. And because the money is removed from the rest of the budget - you don't feel like you're really taking away from those accounts, or the other things you're saving up for. The money that I put in the account usually comes from giving up little things - like forgoing coffee, or reselling children's clothes, checks from rebates, or the change DH left out on the counter again that's driving me crazy. We stash the money then ignore it and only occasionally check the balance, and it's all little things but it can add up. We've also used the account when life is really tough and we feel like we can't afford anything. Just putting a dollar in can be a huge pick me up to feeling like it's a step closer to being where you want to be, and that life will work out.

 

[Taja]

Sounds as though you have been doing some thinking and you certainly have received some good information!

I hope you give your DH a day or two to settle down and then just discuss what is on his mind. Don't worry about the convention or visiting Orlando--just focus on him. While you may have been thinking about vacation--and he has mentioned it--it probably wasn't even on his mind when you mentioned it and he simply reacted. And not as you expected! *sigh*

The idea of a budget is terrific--it helps get both of you on the same page at the same time. It doesn't have to be to the penny or dollar--just an indicator of your financial situation and goals.

And even if your DH's attitude is annoying you, be sure to let him know you love him every day!

 

[pearlieq]

But we have a lot of equity, so we have a sizable downpayment ready once we sell our current home (in a very desirable neighborhood where homes still sell for nearly $100000 MORE than what we paid for ours in 2003 - and sell quickly). It's just that we don't have enough income to get to the next level. Even with a sizable down payment, there is no way we could afford a home that is worth moving into (I am not being snobby - I just mean that some homes we have looked at just weren't right for us, and for the money, I would rather stay in my current home - which is fixed up the way I like it - than get the bigger wrong house KWIM?).

I realized this this is a little off of the topic at hand, but I can't help thinking while I'm reading your posts that maybe moving isn't really necessary.

You're obviously making it work now in the smaller house, and, as you say, it's fixed up the way you like it. You seem to be in a comfortable position, equity-wise and the house is desirable.

The oldest two will be out of the nest in 10 itty-bitty years and the youngest isn't much far behind. Is it worth getting a bigger house for only a handful of years?

Maybe letting go of the idea of moving might be best for everyone. Think of the breathing room and freedom you'd have! You'd have so much more flexibility with your money to travel, invest, and have experiences you've always wanted.

Of course there are plenty of factors that no one but your family is familiar with, but that's my outsider's take based on what you've posted.

 

[shan136]

I clicked on your post because it sounds very familiar to my own situation. My DH periodically freaks out about money and I don't know it until I have brought up the idea of a vacation or a home improvement. In fact, our upcoming WDW trip has been a great source of stress for my DH for the last 9 months and we have had many LOUD conversations about money this year. My position is that vacations and family time need to be a priority and we need to figure out a way to pay for them.

We live in uncertain economic times and some of us are more comfortable with carrying debt than others. Chances are, if you you sit down with your DH and calmly review the numbers, you can afford to go to WDW (otherwise you would probably be freaking out too). Calm communication is key. Discuss real numbers on real paper. You can either afford it or not. Good Luck.