Can I vent about DH - he just doesn't get it!

[aprilfoolwed]

I just wanted to add that I think this comment above is a HORRIBLE thing to say to someone. Really... REALLY... horrible...and completely unnecessary.

Thanks - I just chose to ignore that one. We may not always agree about everything, but that is the last thing that DH would be up to. Seriously.

Now, he may be wishing he had a new surround sound system, and a blueray instead of a Disney trip, but my DH takes his wedding vows very seriously and would never, ever stray. He's the type of guy that, if you knew him IRL, you'd LOL at someone even suggesting that.

 

[mrsklamc]

It may just be a difference in family dynamics but I find it odd that you bring up what your parents have done for your DS. Both my parents, and DH's parents, have bailed out our siblings and not us, but we don't feel the least bit slighted by it. We figure it's their money to spent as they choose, and really none of our business.

 

[luvsJack]

In fairness to the OP though, there are a lot of families when a LOT is done for one sibling and not for another and then justified in many ways. Sounds like the OP just knows its that way in her family and admits that human nature takes over and there is some jealousy. Doesn't sound like she lays awake at night fretting over it, but there is some resentment--again human nature.

 

[sk!mom]

We've agreed on that, he expressed an interest in taking us all down to Orlando again, we talked about taking his parents (FWIW, his father would hate Disney, so we don't even suggest he go for more than one day. My MIL would likely attend the conference with my DH and my MIL and I would take the kids. My MIL would LOVE LOVE LOVE to travel but does get to because of my FIL), and looked at condos/townhomes/pool homes together....

We also talked about just the two of us going on a trip - one we never got to do last year for our 10th anniversary. Maybe he was looking forward to time alone with just me, and it's turned into a family vacation???

We'll talk more tonight.

It occurs to me that maybe your DH would like a vacation that is a vacation for him, too. Rather than a business trip where he works and the rest of the family has a vacation. The vacation dollars are spent and he didn't get a vacation.

 

[SandrA9810]

In fairness to the OP though, there are a lot of families when a LOT is done for one sibling and not for another and then justified in many ways. Sounds like the OP just knows its that way in her family and admits that human nature takes over and there is some jealousy. Doesn't sound like she lays awake at night fretting over it, but there is some resentment--again human nature.

It's hard not to feel jealous, especially when the sibling seems to have done everything "wrong", and you try to do it the right way. They get all the help and support, and because you try to do it right, you just wind up with a pat on the back when times get tough.

OP, June is really not that far away, especially when trying to come up with disposable income. Maybe this year you can take a real family vacation together when he gets back from his conference. You were just there recently on a free day. And something closer to home could be a lot cheaper.

I know how it is with townhomes. I lived with my aunt when she owned one. Neighbors were alright, but not always. And if I got mad at her, I'd go stomping up the stairs and slamming doors. I'm sure the neighbors didn't love that either. But sometimes the soundproofing is better than apartments. And people seem to totally forget they're not the only ones living in the building in an apartment.
But it sounds like you need to be moving across the board rather than up the board, in terms of houses. By the time you get that bigger house, you'll have that spare room your son needs with the other ones moving out.

 

[momxx5]

I am going to admit right away that I have not read every response.

That said, I do believe your heart is in the right place while trying to plan a vacatons for your children to remember.

I am on your side (not that its a pick a side issue, kinda). But if you can be financially secures and choose to takae a vacation to Orlando with your family than you should start planning and do so.

Life is extremely short.....the memories made and fun together as a family sometimes has to come before other things. I am not saying to take the electric bill money and go on a whirlwind vacation.

It sounds like you have thought this through very carefully. I think your DH may be under some kind of pressure from his job, etc.
I know those feelings because DH lost his job 17months ago and just started a new jonb at 75+% less than he was making before...to no faulf of his own except the economy.

Maybe allowing your DH to tell of all his fears/worries related to job & spending and then giving him some time to cool off.

Then set up a time when you both can sit down and go over the numbers...showing that you def have thought of everything.....he may be more willing to particiapte in the vacation.

Good luck, keep us posted.

 

[EMom]

In fairness to the OP though, there are a lot of families when a LOT is done for one sibling and not for another and then justified in many ways. Sounds like the OP just knows its that way in her family and admits that human nature takes over and there is some jealousy. Doesn't sound like she lays awake at night fretting over it, but there is some resentment--again human nature.

Sounds normal to me. In soooooo many families, one or more adult children get financial help and all too often it's the irresponsible ones. So the responsible ones feel as if they are being slighted because they're the "good" ones. Bad behavior gets attention when they're kids and gets them money when they're adults. It's hard to not be resentful. You may accept it, but you don't have to like it.

Thank goodness, this was not an issue in my family.

 

[mrsklamc]

We have those in our family, too- DH and I each have a brother who is a total loser- but it's never bothered us. But from the other responses I guess we're in the minority. We don't live close and don't have to WATCH them ruin their lives so maybe that makes it easier.

 

[Kay1]

OP here again

But we were at a family wedding last night and his cousin started asking us about Disney (they are planning their first family trip) and DH started getting excited about it. He even asked his mom if she'd be interested in going this summer if we go.

So - in summation - budgets are written, Wii game is a non-issue, and vacation is only a possibility if debt is paid off. We still have a long time before June.

Thank you for the update. It sounds like the lines of communication are open again and that's what matters. I really hope you guys get away next June and that your trip is spectacular.

 

[sookie]

at my company and the companies I have worked for in the past, you can get fired for doing what you are describing. i wouldn't do it and i can understand why he's upset

 

[StuckInKS]

I have made up my mind (because of harsh experience) that life can be too short. Even if we don't die unexpectedly, our children are young for just so many years. I want to enjoy good vacation times with our DD while she still wants to go places with us. Who knows how much longer she'll even want to go to WDW? I'm going to enjoy this while I can. I can save money later. I can't get these years back.

I feel the exact same way. We started going to WDW last year, went this year and will hopefully go at least once a year until my kids are over it. We do pay for all of our vacations with cash, but we could probably have another $7,500 in savings if we hadn't taken those vacations.

My husband doesn't like to spend money on vacations, but I make the money and he would just want to spend it on other non-essentials like more musical equipment (he's a musician). And once we are there, I am the one trying to keep up with him! Even today he said to the kids that they wouldn't be going to WDW for a while, but I have told him repeatedly that we are going again in May 2011. We will and he will enjoy it, though he will complain about the money both before and after. It may seem rude to say that because I make the money, I'm the one who will make the decision about vacation -- but I don't care. Life is not guaranteed and I want to enjoy my time with my kids while they are still young enough and I am still around. My mom took me and my sister to WDW several times (and now joins my family on our trips) and I want to do the same for my kids.

Sorry your DH reacted like that OP. Hope it all works out!

 

[cm8]

OP here again - quite a bit of summary you have provided. It's actually interesting to read this, because it helps me see the other side of a situation, so thank you.

Just a few quick comments - the Wii game situation is over. The big issue was not knowing if DS had actually broken the game (he says he did not) - because no one knows when the game was used. It was equally likely a neighbor (or rather, neighbor's daughter - toddler allowed to tear things apart) did it too. Regardless, it was not brought up again, and we supplied my sister with some items she needed from Sam's Club.

As to "bringing up the whole family of 5 - SAHM" thing - that has a lot to do with my family dynamics that no one on here could possibly know about. To clarify a bit, we made the choice to live rather modestly and have me stay home with the kids. My sister works, and receives free childcare from my mom (not offered to me - I asked once when I tried to take a p/t job and was turned down). My sister also had her first house essentially purchased for her, had tens of thousands of credit card debt paid off by my parents etc. It's a sore subject in our house, but just the way things are. But it certainly puts a slant on things. Is there some jealous - sure - it's a pretty unfair situation. Is it going to change? No.

I am a BIG TIME budgeter. Every penny is accounted for. If I had to replace a Wii game, the money needs to come from somewhere. Yes, it would come from the xmas budget (as it happened, we took it from the grocery budget) if DS did break the game. We do have an emergency fund, and college educations are taken care of (DH and I both work for colleges), and I do work p/t to bring in some extra income (work when DH can be home with the kids). We are on a cash-only system right now, and working to pay off the bit of cc debit we have leftover from some emergencies alst year.

I keep repeating this, but if there is any cc debt at all - WE WON'T BE GOING ON VACATION. Period. We're both in agreement with this. We will only go if we have cash to pay for it.

In reference to THIS thread, I did talk to my DH the other night when he got home from work. It seems our biggest communication failure is in how we define things. His concern is that we are very frugal, and therefore that means we don't have money. For example, my family likes to go out for dinner for each person's birthday - there's a lot of us, so a lot of birthdays, and it gets expensive to go out all the time. It's not something we normally do, so last year I mentioned that we would like to invite the entire family to our home for cake/coffee after their birthday dinners. They are all still welcome to go out, and we can still see them and celebrate with them, but we weren't locked into going to 11 expensive birthday dinners a year. I saw this as a budgeting move - my DH sees it as "pleading poverty."

It also seems it's more an issue of him specifically NOT wanting to do Disney simply because it's Disney and we've done it, rather than the money (since we both agree that we won't go anywhere if there is any debt and no cash).

But we were at a family wedding last night and his cousin started asking us about Disney (they are planning their first family trip) and DH started getting excited about it. He even asked his mom if she'd be interested in going this summer if we go.

So - in summation - budgets are written, Wii game is a non-issue, and vacation is only a possibility if debt is paid off. We still have a long time before June.

, I hope that you get to take your trip

 

[mrsklamc]

The problem with 'I can save later' is that just like you aren't guaranteed later for vacations, you aren't guaranteed later for saving. Last year I was 29 and perfectly healthy as far as anyone knew- then cancer, out of nowhere. If we had waited until 'later' to save that could have ruined our lives instead of being an inconvenience. I encourage everyone to make room in your budget for both!

 

[ssawka]

The problem with 'I can save later' is that just like you aren't guaranteed later for vacations, you aren't guaranteed later for saving. Last year I was 29 and perfectly healthy as far as anyone knew- then cancer, out of nowhere. If we had waited until 'later' to save that could have ruined our lives instead of being an inconvenience. I encourage everyone to make room in your budget for both!

Exactly! It's all about moderation. On this board you tend to read about the two extremes, either "save every penny and never pay for anything with credit!" or "Live life while you can, you can worry about saving later!' Personally, I think you should set aside about 6 months to a year's worth of savings. Put it in a money market account and do not touch it. You always have it as a security blanket if worst comes to worst. The rest of the money you can use to enjoy life. Remember this is the only life you get! At the end you don't want to say "I wish I had done XYZ! If only I had not been so worried about the future."

 

[crisi]

Exactly! It's all about moderation. On this board you tend to read about the two extremes, either "save every penny and never pay for anything with credit!" or "Live life while you can, you can worry about saving later!' Personally, I think you should set aside about 6 months to a year's worth of savings. Put it in a money market account and do not touch it. You always have it as a security blanket if worst comes to worst. The rest of the money you can use to enjoy life. Remember this is the only life you get! At the end you don't want to say "I wish I had done XYZ! If only I had not been so worried about the future."

Actually, I don't think you do. After all, this is a Disney board. Almost everyone here has been to, or is currently planning, a trip to Disney. I think you get a lot of moderation on this board. What tends not to happen is people encouraging other people to take trips instead of saving, and people encouraging others to pay down debt first before taking trips.

I've never seen anyone on this board encourage savings in lieu of taking a trip, when the person asking the question living within their means and saving - i.e. this board IS about moderation - otherwise, none of us would take Disney trips - we'd all sit on our piles of money and say "not enough - need more money!"

 

[hipchickie]

Thanks - I just chose to ignore that one.

Good choice - not worth it...not at all surprised when I looked over to see who the poster was

 

[disneybound31]

Life is short. You pay your bills. You contribute to the betterment of the world/society. You raise your kids. You do your best. Then sometimes you get to do something nice and memorable for you and your kids. Memories can be made in many ways and if one of those ways is traveling or going to WDW a few times, I say go for it.

(A collective 'you', btw, not a specific one of us or OP)

 

[EMom]

Exactly! It's all about moderation. On this board you tend to read about the two extremes, either "save every penny and never pay for anything with credit!" or "Live life while you can, you can worry about saving later!' Personally, I think you should set aside about 6 months to a year's worth of savings. Put it in a money market account and do not touch it. You always have it as a security blanket if worst comes to worst. The rest of the money you can use to enjoy life. Remember this is the only life you get! At the end you don't want to say "I wish I had done XYZ! If only I had not been so worried about the future."

I do agree with that, even though I remind people they should enjoy today since they are not guaranteed tomorrow. We have ample savings, have most of DD's college paid for and never carry a credit card balance. I couldn't stand to live paycheck to paycheck. If we were doing that, there would be no Disney. But I also see people who are so obsessed with frugality that they never take their eye off the magic percentage that must be saved, even if it means they never take a decent vacation. Well, I wouldn't want to live like that either.

Yes, moderation is the key.

BTW, once the figure of $3000 was tossed around, I was a bit surprised. So long as we take advantage of free dining, the 3 of us can spend 10-ish days at WDW and only spend $3000. That includes airfare, usually the rental car, staying at a value and 10 day tickets....dining is free. Last year, we made it to 11 days and that was Dec. 12-22.

 

[livie1205]

I feel the exact same way. We started going to WDW last year, went this year and will hopefully go at least once a year until my kids are over it. We do pay for all of our vacations with cash, but we could probably have another $7,500 in savings if we hadn't taken those vacations.

My husband doesn't like to spend money on vacations, but I make the money and he would just want to spend it on other non-essentials like more musical equipment (he's a musician). And once we are there, I am the one trying to keep up with him! Even today he said to the kids that they wouldn't be going to WDW for a while, but I have told him repeatedly that we are going again in May 2011. We will and he will enjoy it, though he will complain about the money both before and after. It may seem rude to say that because I make the money, I'm the one who will make the decision about vacation -- but I don't care. Life is not guaranteed and I want to enjoy my time with my kids while they are still young enough and I am still around. My mom took me and my sister to WDW several times (and now joins my family on our trips) and I want to do the same for my kids.

Sorry your DH reacted like that OP. Hope it all works out!

my dh makes the money in our family but he would NEVER say something like that...ever.That shows total disrespect for your partner.I do know alot of men (or women) that would put up with that for very long.When we decide to plan a vacation it is something we both agree on and I would never even want to not give him the choice...and going KNOWING he did not want to go to start with....your right life is not guaranteed but your spouse putting up with not having any final say in those kind of things is not guaranteed to stick around for the next 50 yrs.Think of what that may do to his ego..bad things happen when a man starts feeling less then a man in his own home.WDW is not that importent.

 

[crisi]

BTW, once the figure of $3000 was tossed around, I was a bit surprised. So long as we take advantage of free dining, the 3 of us can spend 10-ish days at WDW and only spend $3000. That includes airfare, usually the rental car, staying at a value and 10 day tickets....dining is free. Last year, we made it to 11 days and that was Dec. 12-22.

There are four of us. All Disney adults. Last trip we had $1600 in airfare - and yes, I shopped - $350 + taxes and fees is pretty normal from the Twin Cities to Orlando and back. Its another $1000 in tickets if we'd just do the MYW base (we didn't so our tickets were pricier). We haven't eaten, or paid for DVC dues, paid for parking at the airport or a cab, bought a Christmas tree ornament.

Cheap trips are possible, but you need to be able to have a small family - which the OP doesn't have, take advantage of bargains - not everyone can travel over free dining (we don't qualify as DVCers, but we seldom can go when its offered since we have kids in middle school), have young kids so you get cheaper tickets, and be able to get to Disney inexpensively.