Can I get DH to eat healthier? (long)

[Merriwind]

Looking for some advice. Sorry so long.

DH is heavy--and gaining. After a childhood/young adulthood as a skinny guy who could eat multiple Whoppers at each meal without gaining an ounce, once he hit 30 (16 years ago) his metabolism stopped.

He is at his heaviest (probably 230-ish) right now. (Haven't seen the scale in a long time, but I know he passed 213 a long time ago. He did get very thin about 1.5-2 years ago--down to about 180. He thought his dream metabolism had returned. Turns out, his pancreas had stopped producing insulin and he was diagnosed with Type I diabetes. 180 was probably a little thin for him, but at 185-190, he looked good--young, healthy. Once he was diagnosed and started insulin injections in summer of 2006, he said that he was going to see the diabetes as a gift of losing weight and just maintain his new weight. I wish. It's been a steady climb up, with a big jump lately. He looks so swollen and unhealthy now. (The photo below is from last Christmas, probably around 200-205#.) I can't believe his endo doesn't seem to notice a 40-50 pound weight gain.

DH interprets what he wants from what his doctor says and tells me that as long as he takes insulin, he can eat what he wants and that because he takes insulin, he has to gain weight. I try to explain that taking huge doses of insulin isn't ideal and that non-diabetic people have insulin pumping through their bodies all the time. For example, I want to weigh around 105# (I'm only 5'). I eat and exercise to stay around that number. When I gain a couple of pounds, I cut back. If I wanted to weigh 200#, I would eat and exercise differently. What he eats and whether he exercises (none) determines his weight.

He has had to get rid of clothes that don't fit him and recently bought new pants and shorts a size larger. I don't buy junk for the most part, but he does constantly. I just get sick and angry watching him eat these days. He goes through a 1/2 gallon of ice cream and container of whipped cream in 4-5 days! The toppings I bought for DD's birthday last month--gone. (DD and I each had one sundae on her birthday.) Tonight, he wanted pizza--ate the three largest slices in the pie, salad with an obscene amount of cream-based dressing and a HUGE ice cream sundae for dessert. This after numerous bowls of caramel popcorn today in addition to meals and other snacks. Even when he eats fruit, he goes to excess. He thinks three oranges are a snack. This week, he made chicken parm one night. DD and I split one breast. DH ate two by himself. It's like this every meal of every day.

I swear that he wants company in his fatness, as he buys me treats, plates up huge quantities of food for us and is always trying to get DD to snack with him. She has gained weight too and I am working to rein in what she eats and get her exercising a little more. She started out the school year a little skinny and has grown about an inch, but is now on the cusp of getting chubby. Not that I'm a pillar of virtue, but if I eat a lot of candy/junk, I'll at least skip the next meal or eat very light. Not healthy I know, but I can't eat constantly and I really don't want to put on weight.

He is a great guy, provides well for us--and is a great cook. He loves cooking and does most of the cooking when he's home. (He travels a lot for work.) He's not stupid and has to see that his clothes are tight, his belly hangs over his waistband, etc. His weight and eating are just getting out of control. I've been making snarkey comments as he scoops out four scoops of ice cream or goes back for thirds on dinner. I know that's not helping, but I'm frustrated and angry. He's 46 and DD is 10; he needs to be taking better care of himself. His activity level is nil. He spends most days that he's not traveling on the couch, watching tv and eating, gets cranky if we suggest doing anything. He does play golf, but always with a cart.

I've tried making healthy meals, not having junk in the house, having heart to hearts at non-eating times. He just stops at Publix himself (and picks up all the B1G1 junk food "because it was a great deal.") He pushes me out of the kitchen to cook and agrees with everything I say about healthy eating and then goes to get another snack. Even a friend of his said, "Whoa, you're really putting on weight," when he stopped by last week. No effect. I know that there's probably no answer, but if anyone out there has advice, I would gladly listen. I'm having trouble watching him eat his way into obesity--and heavens knows what else.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I am sorry you are dealing with this. It must be very frustrating. Maybe if you did some Diabetes research and showed it all to him. Eating ice cream and especially 3 oranges can have deadly results if done constantly like you say. Tell him how you want him around to watch your dd grow up and that his lifestyle is threatening that. Truthfully though, unless he is ready to do something about it I don't know if it will work. I hope it does because I know you really are just looking out for his health.

 

[buckler]

I was in your position too. My DH is about the same age as yours. He also put on too much weight despite my feeding him healthy meals at home. He would grab fast food breakfast on the way to work a few times a week, snack on high calorie food at the office, eat unhealthy lunches etc. He was about 40 lbs overweight. Nothing I did could change anything.

Then he had a scare. He was rushed to the hospital by ambulance from work. It was a problem with his heart. He was very close to having a stroke or worse. We were lucky and the doctors were able to get it under control before permanent damage was done. My husband was shaken to the core by this incident. He realized he was putting his life at serious risk and that's what it took to get him to reform. He has dropped about 25 pounds so far. He's cut out the fast food and snacks and takes his lunch from home. He's exercising. I could never have made him change. It had to be his decision. That day that we could have lost him may have been the best thing that could have happened to him because it may have added years to his life.

I hope your husband comes to his senses with out having to be taken to the hospital by ambulance first. I was lucky that in my case it had a good outcome. Not all wives are that lucky.

If you let him read this, here's my message to him. What if every bite of ice cream you ate meant 1 less minute of your life with your wife and child? Would it be worth it? All those minutes add up to years. You might not make it to dance at your daughter's wedding. Or hold your first grandchild. You might just be a story she tells her children about. A sad story of how she lost her father way too soon. Choose to be healthy and live a long life loving your family! Don't put your wife through what I went through when I got that call that my husband was enroute to the ER. She loves you and she doesn't deserve that.

 

[bumbershoot]

I'm sorry.

Quick question/comment...every one of my friends/acquaintances that has gone on insulin for diabetes has LOST weight. I have never heard of gaining weight as being a side-effect. So I'm confused on that one!

But I can't imagine that his doctor would be OK with him eating so much sugar, insulin or not. It's not a free pass to eating junk! Won't he make himself worse by eating all that?

My hubby is 5'10" and had a childhood of eating problems, and an evil mother who had him on a diet from before toddlerhood. He's the girliest emotional eater EVER; any emotion he has, he wants to put food into his mouth. It's a tricky, tricky thing to talk to him about his weight, because if he feels sad he'll eat, and he's a sneak-eater, too.

But he kept a picture when he hit his personal high of 350 in his mid-20s, of him having fallen asleep while sitting on a fishing boat, and he doesn't have to rest on anything because his bulk was holding him up. Well, about 1.5 years ago, he was looking very very much like that picture, and I didn't like it. I also didn't think he realized it. He would come home from work, sit on the couch, and in the middle of conversations he would fall asleep. Just like that picture. I'm a shallow, awful person, and I was losing all emotion for him; not just attraction, but emotion. Love and like were going out the window; that wasn't who I married, and because emotions were involved, the bigger he got, the more easily angered he got, the sadder he got...he just wasn't himself.

Hardest thing I've done in my marriage was sitting him down to tell him that he had gained more weight than I thought he realized, and that I was concerned about him and that he HAD TO do something about it. It made him cry, and I had to try to keep him from eating because of the conversation.

But he did re-join weight watchers because of it, and even though it has been SLOW (usually .2 pounds a week for a month or so, then a bit of a gain, then down again...), he is almost to the 40 pounds loss mark. Oh and it turns out he was 10 pounds, if that much, away from his all time high, so I caught it right in time.

He's never been found to have anything wrong with his blood sugar, he just gains easily, and with the sneaky, emotional eating, it has been hard.


I will tell you one thing that has caused DH's losses to accelerate in this last month. He went from losing .2 per week to the last three weeks being .6, .8, and .4 (and that was after a HUGE breakfast before weigh in), and I expect that his weigh in tomorrow (well, today) morning will be terrific, too.

The secret? He's given up high fructose corn syrup.

We discovered last July that DS can't have it, nor corn syrup or corn syrup solids. Possibly all corn products, but he hasn't wanted to EAT normal corn so I'm not sure about that.

And one day DH had some of my soda, that I was drinking to wake up, while DH was driving. He was totally awake that morning. He had some of the soda, and suddenly was falling asleep at the wheel. He then noticed that he fell asleep shortly after drinking or eating anything with HFCS in it. He has dumped it from his diet, and his weigh loss has started zooming.

I would highly recommend you look through your pantry and fridge for that ingredient, and just try getting rid of that stuff.

It's in all sorts of ice cream, and of course whipped cream cans. Even if your hubby won't give up the sundaes, try substituting a Haggen Dasz without corn syrup (plain chocolate, for instance) and REAL whipped cream that you make from heavy cream in your mixer. Organic ice creams are good to try, too, b/c they generally don't have it. SOME Breyers ice creams don't have it; the All Natural Chocolate, Coffee, Strawberry, Vanilla, and French Vanilla are free from HFCS and corn syrup (other flavors do have corn syrup, such as cookies and cream, and rocky road, and more). Those ice creams are just as good if not better tasting, and might make a difference b/c it's proper sugar, not chemicals. Check your snack foods, substitute "health food store" soda for Cokes and such. (no they aren't as good) Hershey's syrup, Smucker's fudge sauce both have high fructose corn syrup. Ghiradelli products do NOT tend to have that ingredient (we've had to change where we get hot chocolate and mochas for my boys, b/c Starbucks uses hershey's, so we go to Tully's which carries Ghiradellis).

That might be a start (and it would be good for your DD, too), while you figure out how to talk to him, and how to gain admittance to his next appointment with his endocrinologist, to get a better explanation of how eating all those sugars can be good for him!


Good luck; like I said, it was the hardest thing I've had to do with DH, sitting him down to tell him that, well, he was getting way too fat. (since then he has started to have the ability to do that with me b/c he realizes how important it is, and I am very very grateful when he does, though initially it does sting a bit)

 

[mommytobug]

My father was recently diagnosed as being borderline diabetic. I dont know what his doctor told him (though I can imagine) but he immediately started eating more healthy, avoiding sugar and has lost weight. He was not tha overweight to begin with. I really think that his doctor told him the risks and it scared the heck out of him as it should. Kidney failure, loss of limbs, etc can happen with diabetes. I wander if his doc has really talked to him or addressed his issues. If he has not, I would be changing docs or making an appt myself to talk with him.

I worked with a 30 something year old woman years ago who was diabetic and did not care for herself. She was blind, and she had lost all her limbs which left her with nothing but her torso. The limbs would leave a little at a time. She could at first hold a cigarette and then lost her fingers, arms, etc. It was horrible. I have worked with a lot of elderly who have diabetes. They have poor knowledge and understanding and their blood sugars will be completely nuts. They think eating a candy bar increases their sugar if it goes down better than anything- NOT!! They feel horrible and try to feed their horrible feelings and it is a never ending battle where their body loses.

I worked with an insulin dependent diabetic who was diagnosed as a child. She was very healthy and very aware of what she put in her mouth. Taking insulin does not make you gain weight, that is ridiculous. If he is taking an amount that is dropping his levels too much and having to eat to keep them up that could possibly make him gain. She took her levels several times a day. I would strongly suggest you even taking his levels prior to eating, after he eats and keep a log. Has he considered a pump? They now have the ability to help monitor everything.

I know he has to make the choice to be healthy or not but diabetes is no joke. Losing his eye sight, failing kidneys, losing limbs, sores that will not heao properly are no fun.

I know you will think I am nuts but I have to say this. Men are all about sex. Have you had a talk with him about sex and how you would be more attracted to him if he was choosing to be healthy. You could easily be separating yourself emotionally without knowing it if you feared losing him.

I am sorry. I know you are frustrated. I would be too.

 

[JulieEck]

I'd like to suggest taking a picture of him looking his worst. Does he lounge around with no shirt on so you could get a picture of his belly hanging over, etc? My DH is about 5' 10" and had gotten up to around 230 about 7-8 years ago. I didn't really realize how big he'd gotten because it was so gradual. As a kid, he too was skin and bones and could eat anything. DH's biggest downfall is candy. He also drank sodas, and didn't really pay any attention to what he ate (calorie/fat wise). He saw a picture of himself one time and said "I look like that?!?!" He was wearing shorts and a tucked in shirt, but with his position you could really see the chubbiness of the face and his belly poofing out. He decided right then and there he was changing. He didn't want to become a "big fat slob" - to quote him. He started paying attention to calories in food when we went grocery shopping and was really surprised with some things like pizza. Never mind that I'd been telling him that already. He cut out all sodas and drank water. He started exercising - usually treadmill. At first he was drinking a slim fast in the morning and would have a Healthy Choice meal for lunch and supper. He quit buying candy, and that's a major accomplishment for him. He changed his diet so drastically that he lost weight pretty quick and was down to around 160 in about 5 months. He then started bringing back normal foods, but still paid attention to calories/fat content. He started drinking diet sodas if he wanted a Coke and bought baked chips instead of regular. He eventually stopped doing slim fast and the frozen meals, and he did gain some back, but has settled around 175 or so. He still runs on the treadmill pretty much every day and he'll have pizza from time to time, ice cream, candy, etc. but more in moderation than before and we try to buy healthier versions if available like Light ice cream, etc.

Sorry to get so long winded there. What did it for my dh though was seeing himself. He also talks about wanting to make sure he's there for DD5 when she's older too. That helps him to maintain exercising when he doesn't feel like it. It was all him though. He made the decision. You just need to get your DH to realize what he looks like and your fears regarding his health. Talk with him about what you envision your retirement to be. The two of you doing ____________. Certainly not you pushing him around in a wheelchair because he has no limbs. Maybe showing him some of the dangers of diabetes will help.

Good luck and I hope he sees the light soon.

ETA: DH golfs too, but he never uses a cart. That might be an easy way for him to start an exercise program. He'd be doing what he enjoys, but walking too.

 

[goofyisinphilly]

My husband has always been overweight. We joke that he was born overweight. From the time we meet in college 8 years ago he consistantly maintained around 280. He is only 5'10". I tried and tried to get him to eat right but as soon as he was out of the house he would eat whatever he wanted.

Last April we started Weight Watchers and he messed around for about a month. Lost a little but not alot. Then in May my dad had a heart attack and quad-bypass surgery at the age of 59. This really shook my DH up and he got serious. So far he has lost about 40 lbs with 60 more to go.

The biggest problem for him is that he has no concept of portion size. His mom always just kept filling his plate and letting him eat whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it. So with the Weight Watchers I have made him measure his own food. Talk about an eye opener.

Good luck. It is hard to change someone who doesn't want to be changed or see anything wrong with what they are doing. And there is always the threat of making him buy a $1 million insurance policy b/c I didn't want to be a poor widow at the age of 30! That one worked to.
Good luck!

 

[buckler]

This site is useful for figuring out daily caloric intake. You can plug in the foods you eat and see where you stand for the day. My DH used it a lot when he was first starting out. Now that he has a feel for things he just spot checks himself on certain days.

http://www.sparkpeople.com/

 

[dizcrazee]

Your hubby looks like such a nice guy, and I'm so sorry you are all going through this. Although I can understand your frustration, I want to urge you not to make snide comments toward him about his food intake. This will not help at all, and will only make matters worse. He may start to resent you and start eating secretly, which will add to the problem.

From personal experience, I think the best thing to do is to chose a good time to talk, tell him how much you love him and want him to be healthy, and express your fears and concerns. Do it in a kind, understanding way. If he starts to get defensive, maintain your cool and assure him that you love him and are only concerned about his health. Ask him how you can help him to get his weight under control. Have a few suggestions ready, such as Weight Watchers, the diabetic exchange diet, etc. Tell him that you will support him 100% in whatever program he choses to follow.

Ask him if he will make a commitment to changing the way he eats. If he says yes and sticks to the commitment and tries to change, praise him and find ways to encourage and reward him. If he won't do it or doesn't stick to the commitment, let it go. There's nothing further you can do until he decides for himself that he has got to change. Hounding him about it will only do harm. It is ultimately his responsibility, and you've got to accept that, as hard as it may be.

 

[Merriwind]

Thank you everyone for the ideas--and the positive, supportive replies. I have tried the loving, logical conversation approach and will probably go that route again. The picture idea sounds good too. I have a little timne before I'll be able to do anything, as tomorrow is the Super Bowl. We're having people over, so that will be a gorgefest. After that, he's traveling for 11 days. It gives me some time to think and plan.

I do know that me being unpleasant about it isn't helping. It's me losing my cool and that's not good. I also realize that ultimately it's his decision. So far he's chosen to continue on this path. I just know that's the wrong choice and it frustrates me. DH is a good guy and I need to take a deep breath on everything and be loving and logical. (In the meantime, I make sure our life and long-term disability insurance are paid.)

Thank you again to all who replied. The support means and helps a lot!!

 

[buckler]

What if you try an indirect approach? You say your daughter is also gaining weight as a result of your husband's eating habits. What if you show some before and after pictures of her to your husband (in private, not in front of your daughter...you don't want to cause her to develop eating problems!). Discuss with him your concern about her and how this isn't good for her health. Ask him for his help to make meal times healthier to help her out. Ask if you could start going on family walks after dinner etc. Maybe if it was for his daughter's benefit and the whole family was involved he'd make an effort.

 

[Janet Hill]

My suggestion is to buy him the book by Richard Bernstein a doctor who specializes in diabetes care (and is himself a diabetic). A wonderful book that covers everything you would want to know about the health and well-being of a diabetic.

http://www.amazon.com/Dr-Bernsteins...bs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1202011781&sr=1-1

My husband a Type 1 took control of his diabetes after reading this book. He's lost weight, his blood pressure is once again normal and his HA1c is in the low 6 range (very good). He now eats meat and lots of vegetables. Very little to no fruit (an apple requires as much insulin as a candy bar), no bread, potatos, pasta or rice. I can't emphasize enough the lots of veggies. He eats way more than the 3 to 5 servings a day. So he gets plenty of carbs and they are all good carbs.

My husband does not like to cook (though he loves to eat), but I've become quite the low carb gourmet. I make a killer low carb cheesecake. There are many low carb cookbooks out there and once you learn a few substitutioins, he'll hardly miss the carbs.

I truly believe that it's tougher on a person with a "man sized appetite" to have Type 1 diabetes. The ADA diets are really geared to those who don't eat much because the carb content requires a rather large amount of insulin to cover the meal. Taking a lot of insulin in turn kicks the appetite into high gear again -- never ending cycle. My husband complained of always being hungry. It wasn't until he started limiting his carbs that he finally felt satiated.

When my husband "falls off the wagon", I just ask him if that "treat" is worth dialysis. That kind of puts it into perspective for him.

Good Luck

 

[grlpwrd]

DH interprets what he wants from what his doctor says and tells me that as long as he takes insulin, he can eat what he wants and that because he takes insulin, he has to gain weight. I try to explain that taking huge doses of insulin isn't ideal and that non-diabetic people have insulin pumping through their bodies all the time. For example, I want to weigh around 105# (I'm only 5'). I eat and exercise to stay around that number. When I gain a couple of pounds, I cut back. If I wanted to weigh 200#, I would eat and exercise differently. What he eats and whether he exercises (none) determines his weight.

Does he see his doctor regularly? Or at least has he taken any diabetes education classes?

I know when I had gestational diabetes I was in denial at first and then I got serious and consulted with a diabetes educator. Do you think he may be in denial?

 

[meowzer]

Your post really caught my attention. My DH just weighed in at 240 lbs and is 6'3". He was informed he needed to loose about 50 lbs. He was brought up in a household where they only ate red meat and really heavy mexican food.

We together went to a nutrionist and reviewed health issues. I started this diet with him (Dr. Fuhrman's diet) and he has lost 12 lbs in 3 weeks.

The most important thing is that it has taught us how to eat better. It has also encouraged our children to try dry fruits, nuts, etc. They really like it and do not ask for the old foods.

I am doing it with him, and I cook a seperate meal for the kids. I am trying to be very supportive, although I do "fall off the wagon" and eat a hamburger once a week during lunch.

I hope you all find a way to work through this.

Karen

 

[MiniGirl]

I don't really know if you can get him to change if he doesn't want to, KWIM?

However, maybe you can help him a little without his even realizing it. Now, I haven't tried this book, but I'm sure there are people on these boards who have. It is titled "The Sneaky Chef" or something like that. It is filled with recipes that sneak veggies into dishes. It was written as a way to help moms get some veggies into their kids, but some of the recipes may work in your situation as well.

Like I said, I haven't tried it. I'm still hoping to get mine to eat better by choice. However, I will resort to sneaking if I have to.