Thank you all so much for your love and support, dear WISH friends.
Before I unload about what I've been going through, I just want to say that I am perfectly fine. The test results were negative and I am healthy.
Now for the long version, for anyone who is interested and maybe just because I need to get it out and let it go.
I really feel like I dodged a bullet. Right from the time the doctor used the "C" word with me, I was freaking out on the inside but telling myself intellectually that I was fine, the test results would be negative. I think somewhere deep down inside I really didn't believe that I would have survived a life-threatening heart condition for 9 years and 11 months and 4 heart surgeries only to start all over again with doctor visits and tests and treatments.
All I could think of is all that I put DH through for all those years. I can only imagine how he must have felt on the days I had no strength to drive to or from work, to cook, or even to climb the stairs to our bedroom. We had been so successful in keeping the kids from ever knowing how sick I was. The first time I went into surgery, I was too dazed and in a total state of disbelief so I'm not sure I believed anyone who was telling me that I was close to dying. I was 31 years old, for goodness sake. The second time, I was just relieved that someone was trying again to fix my heart. The third time was scary because I went to a nationally preeminent electrophysiologist who was one of the very few doctors in the entire country who was able to take a shot at fixing my heart. What was really scary was that my insurer approved the surgery and all related care out of network instantly. Rather than the frustration of having to convince an insurer of the need for care, I was frightened to death that the insurance company really did believe this was the last-ditch effort. Shortly thereafter, when I ended up in ICU with a "resting" heart rate of 175 and a nurse stationed at my bedside (the machines kept shutting down perceiving my heart rhythm as a machine malfunction), I was scared. The night before the fourth surgery, I wrote my kids love letters and included "Love You, Mean It" pins for them to always remember how much I loved them.
To this day, the only clue I have that either of them knew how bad things were was when I checked myself out of ICU to travel to Connecticut to be at DD's indoor colorguard competition. When she saw me, she burst into tears and said if I hadn't shown up, she would have thought I was dying. She was 15. I guess I wasn't as good at hiding things as I thought.
After coming through all of that and having our very own miracle cure with my fourth surgery in January 2005, I just couldn't believe that my family might have to suffer through me fighting another health battle.
When the doctor took a quick look at the lab report and looked at me and said "you're fine. Everything is good." I said "See, I told you so. I knew everything would be fine" and he looked at me so funny, like "you ain't kiddin' me, kid." We have that kind of relationship. This is the man who saved DS's life at birth and saved mine 19 months later when he spotted my heart condition when my regular doctor told me it was just exhaustion and stress. So, I relented and said "that's not to say I haven't lost some sleep over this." and he gave me that all-knowing, "I figured as much" smile. The cells are "atypical" and there are a LOT of them. But they are benign, definitely not cancerous or pre-cancerous and he had them run a bunch of other tests, and everything is fine. We chatted a couple minutes and then walked out of his office suite where I proceeded to fall apart all over poor DH. Prayers are certainly answered and wishes for pixie dust are truly appreciated, and when is all is said and done, we strive to live in accordance with God's will.
Once again, I am celebrating life and saying every day "Thank you, God, for my healthy strong body."
All that being said, why the heck am I eating everything in sight? I have to find better ways to deal with stress, and eating doesnt' require that I carve time out of my schedule (like going to the gym) or that anyone is neglected or someone is doing something for me so that I can go off somewhere to "relieve stress" (i.e., at the gym). I am so fortunate that all of this outrageous behavior hasn't caused me to gain more than a few pounds. I have to rein it in and get out of the bad habits.
Oh, yeah, and the marathon is 4 weeks from today.
If you are still with me, thank you for your kindness and encouragement. I really do depend on it.
I hope everything is going well.
)
Cam, I am so glad that your tests results came back negative.
Thank God that everything is okay.
I don't even want to know what my scale says.
