Calling all Step Moms!!

[ilovejack02]

I just have to say how encouraged I feel.

At the moment my heart feels broken. I don't know why the kids mom has to tear them up for her own gain.I don't know how on earth moving them an hour away could be good for them, but her answer is always "They'll get it over it". I don't want them to feel as I felt as a child. At 11 years old I walked across the city (Houston) to a church and got down on my knees starting praying that God would send an angel to take me away b/c it hurt to much to go on. My parents fought bitterly over me from the time I was six years old. I heard and understood everything that was being said. Lawyers "prepping" me to say things that weren't true...it was too much. It changed me. I went from being a fearless daddy's girl to a shadow. I felt the bitterness and tension between my parents every second. I have never gotten over it and it was by the grace of God that I met my husband...or so I thought...now I'm not so sure...I wonder if fate hates me and I am destined to relive my childhood nightmare.

It doesn't help that I have PMS right now either!

but I am encouraged by your experiences. This too shall pass!

Im so sorry you had to go through that. It must make fighting for what you know is right so hard. The fact that the ex has cut off grandparents, sister and trying to get further away from you all shows that she has some issues. YEAH i know 3 sides to every story, but for her to cut off her own parents and sister unless there is abuse going on is a clue she is off.
I hope it all works out.
Hugs to you , as bad as my DH's ex sounded she NEVER tried to keep Brad from us and has even told me and others she knows how much i love Brad and admits im a good stepmom. Now when she is off her meds... its another story HA HA i joke, but Brad's mom was not SO BAD, except for the whole, you dont support him crap right now.
She was very permissive and never wanted to hurt his feelings so we were always the bad guys, she was that way because she loves him so much. Our idea of loving a child is a bit different and while i know her parenting style is kinda off I know it is because she adored him so much.

Good luck and take it day by day.
You lived a rough life and you know how NOT to treat those kids and that counts for something!

 

[DisnyMama]

I have been a Step-mom for 19 years. My ex and I divorced after seven of those years but my stepson, DS and I remained close. My stepson just celebrated his one year wedding anniversary and moved from Fresno, CA to Colorado Springs, CO so now he is less than a days drive away.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Feel free to PM whenever you are having a bad day. I've been a stepmom officially for 9 years but DH and I were living together before we were married. Two of my DSDs moved in prior to the wedding. I have 3 DSDs. We have a good relationship with 2 of them. DH's ex is severly bipolar and chooses not to properly medicate. We were able to beat back a custody issue once but the kids became old enough to choose we had a really tough choice to make. Fight the mother in court and show cause why she shouldn't have the kids (easy enough to do) but in the process completely trash their mother or let them go and pray that we instilled enough common sense in them over the years we had them. It was a horrific decision to make but the mother had filled their head with lies and they believed them. Things had broken down horribly in the house where one of them refused to listen to us at all. It was becoming a safety issue for everyone involved.
This is the one DSD we don't have a relationship with. She also has her mother's medical issues. She's at least receiving treatment but blames us for all of her problems.

The other two we took to WDW in May, including my DSGD who calls me Nana. So whenever you are down and need to vent, remember there are people that have gone through it and can understand, both the good and the bad.

 

[CampbellScot]

I got married a year ago this August 20th...I had both my parents walk me down the aisle. My mom wasn't all that happy about it. She felt he hadn't earned the right to walk me down the aisle, but I was not going to use my wedding to play out past dramas. My mom wanted to know if she could trip him on the way down and he wanted to know if he could smack her in the back of the head. My mom was able to be the Southern bred lady she was and was very gracious at the wedding but she bristled afterwards...not only had my dad dared to speak to her, but he pulled her into a "dance" with my step mom. there is a picture of this event and I can see my mom pulling away with a look of horror on her face...my dad had no clue and has since pointed out how my step mom and mom have become "great friends"... My mom's response to that was "In a PIG'S EYE!"

It's an odd position to be in...I spend more time with the kids really than either of their "real" parents...they come to me before their dad when they want or need something. They know I know the important stuff...like whose turn it is for which "sleeping music" CD...or where the light pink shorts with the tag that DOESN'T itch are located...I know the "Magic Owie Whisper" that helps owies to feel better right away...I sat with my little step son as he was getting an IV when he was dehydrated...he never once asked for his mom. He sat in my lap, and I sang Beatles songs to him...*sigh* It's my side of the bed they come to in the middle of the night if they need something...

but here there mom is saying that they "don't LIKE her...she's NOT their mom..." Well gosh I know that. I never said I was...but they're still little and when they need something I get it for them...b/c that's what you do when you love the little people in your life. You also discipline them when they hurt their sister, or spit food out at the table, or sit in their beds and pee a puddle b/c "they do it at mommy's and don't get into trouble..." This happened just the other day. My response was to take my 5 year old step son to Target with me and we bought a package of Pull ups! I explained that if he EVER did that again...EVER...he would be wearing Pull ups to bed until he was 18! Including while we were at Disneyworld....oddly enough the urge to use his bed as a potty didn't ever hit him again...yet the the second they were back at mommy's...he's wetting in his bed again...wide awake mind you...

I suppose the point to all this rambling is that I love and care for these kids as much as their "real" mom does. I spend more time with them, yet I have no say so, no power at all. It's not that I want "power"...but it's the lack of respect that really irks me. Or perhaps the lack of acknowledgment that we are all in this together and fighting is only going to hurt the kids. My Aunt Sheila was a step mom to my cousin's...you want to talk mean? That woman treated those girls like her personal slaves. When her own kids were born they were prince and princess of the house and her step daughters were forced to play nanny and fetch and carry until they were in college. She was horrible to those girls...really horrible. My step kids mom doesn't realize how lucky SHE is.

I just wish I could turn it all off in my brain. Let it all go.

RAR...yup, time for that Zoloft prescription!

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

The last year my DSDs lived with us they asked if they could put blonde highlights in their hair. Both had beautiful dirty blonde hair but wanted to jazz it up. I told them that both parents had to agree to it. DH couldn't have cared less (typical man) but their mother freaked and informed me that I was not to do anything like that to them. I would damage their hair permanently and make them look horrible. Hmm, okay. I never argued and since she said it in front of them I didn't have to pass the word. Maybe she thought I was trying to overstep my bounds but to be honest, I told her that she had the final say as their mother. Who knows what she was thinking.

Anyway, they move up there and within a month their gorgeous hair is now dyed - JET BLACK for one of them and BLUE for the other.

I did ask DSDs about this and they said that their mother thought I would damage their hair by not doing it correctly. I responded with "But she bought boxes of cheap dye at Wal-Mart and did it herself. That's better?" They did at least look sheepish at my question. And yes, I shouldn't have said anything but their mother made such a big deal out of my taking them to the salon to have highlights done that I just about lost it when I saw their hair. My DH couldn't even make it home from picking them up without calling me to prepare me.

 

[ilovejack02]

I got married a year ago this August 20th...I had both my parents walk me down the aisle. My mom wasn't all that happy about it. She felt he hadn't earned the right to walk me down the aisle, but I was not going to use my wedding to play out past dramas. My mom wanted to know if she could trip him on the way down and he wanted to know if he could smack her in the back of the head. My mom was able to be the Southern bred lady she was and was very gracious at the wedding but she bristled afterwards...not only had my dad dared to speak to her, but he pulled her into a "dance" with my step mom. there is a picture of this event and I can see my mom pulling away with a look of horror on her face...my dad had no clue and has since pointed out how my step mom and mom have become "great friends"... My mom's response to that was "In a PIG'S EYE!"

It's an odd position to be in...I spend more time with the kids really than either of their "real" parents...they come to me before their dad when they want or need something. They know I know the important stuff...like whose turn it is for which "sleeping music" CD...or where the light pink shorts with the tag that DOESN'T itch are located...I know the "Magic Owie Whisper" that helps owies to feel better right away...I sat with my little step son as he was getting an IV when he was dehydrated...he never once asked for his mom. He sat in my lap, and I sang Beatles songs to him...*sigh* It's my side of the bed they come to in the middle of the night if they need something...

but here there mom is saying that they "don't LIKE her...she's NOT their mom..." Well gosh I know that. I never said I was...but they're still little and when they need something I get it for them...b/c that's what you do when you love the little people in your life. You also discipline them when they hurt their sister, or spit food out at the table, or sit in their beds and pee a puddle b/c "they do it at mommy's and don't get into trouble..." This happened just the other day. My response was to take my 5 year old step son to Target with me and we bought a package of Pull ups! I explained that if he EVER did that again...EVER...he would be wearing Pull ups to bed until he was 18! Including while we were at Disneyworld....oddly enough the urge to use his bed as a potty didn't ever hit him again...yet the the second they were back at mommy's...he's wetting in his bed again...wide awake mind you...

I suppose the point to all this rambling is that I love and care for these kids as much as their "real" mom does. I spend more time with them, yet I have no say so, no power at all. It's not that I want "power"...but it's the lack of respect that really irks me. Or perhaps the lack of acknowledgment that we are all in this together and fighting is only going to hurt the kids. My Aunt Sheila was a step mom to my cousin's...you want to talk mean? That woman treated those girls like her personal slaves. When her own kids were born they were prince and princess of the house and her step daughters were forced to play nanny and fetch and carry until they were in college. She was horrible to those girls...really horrible. My step kids mom doesn't realize how lucky SHE is.

I just wish I could turn it all off in my brain. Let it all go.

RAR...yup, time for that Zoloft prescription!

Counseling counseling counseling... is what is needed for you. I know its trite and everybody spouts... oh counseling will do you good, but im telling you IT WILL. I went ALONE because I was feeling JUST LIKE YOU. It helped alot, it helped me let go of alot of those hurt feelings for lack of acknowledgment etc.. Dh eventually joined in when he saw that it actually was helping me let go of alot of things with DSS... not the loving him and SPOILING him like a mad woman part, but the part where i had to realize i just had to relax when his mom didnt do things right... IM NOT TALKING abuse, but her crazy permissive way of raising him.. it just drove us wild, but in the end we couldnt do anything but be there for him etc etc etc Yadda Yadda YAdda LOL.

It might also help you deal with you childhood divorce issues which i now affects you now.

PS you need to tell those parents of yours exactly how you feel and to grow the hell up about each for God's sake. Your mom needs to let go of some anger.. damn thats a LONG time to still be mad, cant be healthy.

 

[Ready to go in Ok]

I am a step mom of 4 years to 2 SDD's, aged 18 & 22. I feel your pain. Step parenting is without a doubt one of the hardest things I have ever done. Mine live with me, so that makes life all the more interesting.

 

[CampbellScot]

Counseling counseling counseling... is what is needed for you. I know its trite and everybody spouts... oh counseling will do you good, but im telling you IT WILL. I went ALONE because I was feeling JUST LIKE YOU. It helped alot, it helped me let go of alot of those hurt feelings for lack of acknowledgment etc.. Dh eventually joined in when he saw that it actually was helping me let go of alot of things with DSS... not the loving him and SPOILING him like a mad woman part, but the part where i had to realize i just had to relax when his mom didnt do things right... IM NOT TALKING abuse, but her crazy permissive way of raising him.. it just drove us wild, but in the end we couldnt do anything but be there for him etc etc etc Yadda Yadda YAdda LOL.

It might also help you deal with you childhood divorce issues which i now affects you now.

PS you need to tell those parents of yours exactly how you feel and to grow the hell up about each for God's sake. Your mom needs to let go of some anger.. damn thats a LONG time to still be mad, cant be healthy.

Oh yes...counseling is a part of my new game plan. I can't keep walking around here trying to counsel myself...it doesn't work. (I have my Masters in Social work). I should have known better than to even try, but I'm hard headed. Always have to do things the hard way. My husband doesn't "believe in therapy" b/c he feels he knows all the therapy tricks. He's just a very exacting guy who knows what he knows and doesn't want or need any help...*sigh* He's actually very well adjusted considering. I think the issue is often that I am with the kids more than he is so my experience with all of this is a lot different than his. My mom says "He's a man...what do you expect?"

Y'know my mom is the sweetest little Southern lady you would ever want to meet, but she IS still mad. She will always be mad at my dad. She was so mad that she was never able to be in a relationship of any length ever again. My dad was married 6 months after the divorce was final. My mom remains unmarried to this day. I have no doubt that her anger shaped my brain as I was growing up. She always referred to him as "Your STUPID father". It was a very ugly messy divorce...it stayed ugly and messy in my head and all this garbage in my own life now has unleashed the beast and I'm now I'm crazy.

I never knew I was such a control freak. But I am. I need to start letting go of the fact that I can't control what that woman does, and there will most likely be no justice in terms of all the horrible things she does and says. It is what it is.

See how I'm doing therapy on myself?!

Thanks ladies. You are all great. I respect stepmoms the world over. Even my own. I've grown to respect how hard it must have been for her. She and my mom never had any interaction at all, but my step mom never said anything ugly about my mom. To my mom's credit, when my step sister decided to follow me to my college...which also happened to be where my mom worked, my mom gave her a workstudy job and they got very close over the four years she was there. It was odd in a way, but it was good for my mom too. And it tickled her to death that my step sister would go home and rave to her mom and my dad about great "Cam's Mom" is!!!

I must get off this computer and start packing for Disney!!!

Y'all are wonderful and have made me feel enormously better!!!

 

[CampbellScot]

The last year my DSDs lived with us they asked if they could put blonde highlights in their hair. Both had beautiful dirty blonde hair but wanted to jazz it up. I told them that both parents had to agree to it. DH couldn't have cared less (typical man) but their mother freaked and informed me that I was not to do anything like that to them. I would damage their hair permanently and make them look horrible. Hmm, okay. I never argued and since she said it in front of them I didn't have to pass the word. Maybe she thought I was trying to overstep my bounds but to be honest, I told her that she had the final say as their mother. Who knows what she was thinking.

Anyway, they move up there and within a month their gorgeous hair is now dyed - JET BLACK for one of them and BLUE for the other.

I did ask DSDs about this and they said that their mother thought I would damage their hair by not doing it correctly. I responded with "But she bought boxes of cheap dye at Wal-Mart and did it herself. That's better?" They did at least look sheepish at my question. And yes, I shouldn't have said anything but their mother made such a big deal out of my taking them to the salon to have highlights done that I just about lost it when I saw their hair. My DH couldn't even make it home from picking them up without calling me to prepare me.

See, this is the garbage I'm talking about...assuming you wouldn't "do it correctly"...and then allowing them to cheapen themselves to the nth degree with walmart hair dye...IT DOESN'T MAKE A BIT OF SENSE.

I took my step daughter with me one day to get our nails and toes done. She was really excited, but when we got there she looked very nervous. I asked her what was wrong and she said "Mommy said I couldn't have any reds or purples b/c she doesn't want you to cheapen me..." WHAT?! Then my step daughter said "What does that mean? Mommy just seemed mad, and I told her your favorite color was pink, and I don't know what she wants me to do..." *sigh* I just hugged her, told her this was going to be FUN and we picked out pinks. I didn't even acknowledge what her mother said. Her mom took what could have been a fun event and made her daughter anxious about it. Jealousy I suppose, but lets leave the babies out of it shall we? I did tell my husband and he was hopping mad and called his ex to ask her about it and she said that she said "no such thing" and that SD must be LYING again. Good lord. The child isnt' much of a liar and where on earth would she get the word "cheapen" in that context?

I try not to say anything in response to the stupid things the kids mom says to them, but there are times I cannot control myself. I do not understand her thinking. And the thing that kicks my **** is I met my husband way after he and his ex had broken up. I had nothing to do with the break up whatsoever. SHE cheated on him and he STILL wanted to work things out...yet she has this need to make me look like an inept moron.

It's good to know that I am not alone in this perverse world that step moms have to exist in.

Geez if it were me, I'd want to be super nice to the woman that had my kids 50% of the time...I mean seriously.

 

[jmskinner]

I'm a stepmom to a 14 yr old, but she doesn't live with us. Right now we are in TX and she is in NC, so we don't get to see her very often.

 

[CampbellScot]

I'm a stepmom to a 14 yr old, but she doesn't live with us. Right now we are in TX and she is in NC, so we don't get to see her very often.

I'm sorry you don't get to see your step daughter very often. That's hard. Where in Texas are you? I grew up in Houston...in New Jersey now...talk about an accent clash!!!

 

[Pooh Crew]

Always take the high road. I know many times over the years when I was fuming mad and wanted to blast away about all the horrible things dsd's mom had done, but I kept my mouth closed. Dh kept telling me that dsd would figure out for herself what kind of person her mother was. I figured all of her slamming us and us not ever saying anything back would just make dsd think we were "guilty" of all the accusations her mom spouted. Now that dsd is an adult, she does know what kind of person her mother is..she figured it out all on her own...and she appreciates that we set a good example for her. The child chose to come live with us and has become a lovely young woman. I always told her that I did not want to be her mother because she already had a mother. I just wanted to be a positive female role model in her life. Set a good example, take the high road...the kids will figure it all out.

 

[HeatherFeather]

I've been a long distance SM for 9 years to wonderful young lady who is now 15. We are in SC and she lives in IL with her mother, which means we do not get to see her very often. DH's divorce decree is very murky about visitation leaving us pretty much at the mercy of BM which has not worked out in our favor. The good thing is that in less than 3 years we will not have to deal with BM any longer and she can use all of her uhhh...energy? on her current husband.

 

[jmskinner]

I'm sorry you don't get to see your step daughter very often. That's hard. Where in Texas are you? I grew up in Houston...in New Jersey now...talk about an accent clash!!!

I know what you mean. We lived in DC a couple of years ago. Went up to Pennsylvania and I had to laugh when this family was trying to take pictures and they kept saying, and I am probably not spelling this correctly, "you's" and I wanted to say, "Oh, you mean ya'll". One of the nurses where I worked kept asking me to say "fixin".

We are currently in San Angelo, about 5 hours from Houston, maybe further.

My DH barely even gets to speak to his daughter. The only time is when his mother has her. Our DS8 wants to see his sister and doesn't understand why she doesn't live with us. I'm hoping we get to go back to WDW next year and that she will be able to join us again.

 

[haley's mom]

I have been a step-mom for 7 years now. MY Sd will turn 15 this year, Ss will turn 9 in a few weeks, and my Dh and I have our own DD who is 4.

It has been very difficult at times. I love all 3 kids. I love being a step- mom, I hate dealing with their mom. She has been nothing but trouble. When I first met DH there was not a custody agreement. So we spent $4000 and got one drawn up. We have joint legal custody, get the kids every weekend, several weeks in the summer and we split holidays. It works out as long as their mom holds up to her end of the agreement.

We live in PA, she wants to relocate to Las Vegas with her bf and wants to take the kids. We are very involved in their lives, never miss a visitation for any reason, take them on vacation with us, attend school activities, etc. Anyhow, she took the kids to Vegas this past week for vacation, ensured us they would return on Thursday for our Friday visitation. Well, today is Saturday and still no kids. She is such a selfish witch.

SO, yes good times and bad times.

 

[pyrxtc]

One here, DSD is 13 and I've been here since she was almost 5.

 

[CampbellScot]

I have been a step-mom for 7 years now. MY Sd will turn 15 this year, Ss will turn 9 in a few weeks, and my Dh and I have our own DD who is 4.

It has been very difficult at times. I love all 3 kids. I love being a step- mom, I hate dealing with their mom. She has been nothing but trouble. When I first met DH there was not a custody agreement. So we spent $4000 and got one drawn up. We have joint legal custody, get the kids every weekend, several weeks in the summer and we split holidays. It works out as long as their mom holds up to her end of the agreement.

We live in PA, she wants to relocate to Las Vegas with her bf and wants to take the kids. We are very involved in their lives, never miss a visitation for any reason, take them on vacation with us, attend school activities, etc. Anyhow, she took the kids to Vegas this past week for vacation, ensured us they would return on Thursday for our Friday visitation. Well, today is Saturday and still no kids. She is such a selfish witch.

SO, yes good times and bad times.

Wow...well she's made a mistake on her part then, b/c taking the kids across state lines when there is a legal custody agreement in place is a NO NO. She could lose the kids completely if she does not return ASAP. Have y'all called the police? That would be your next step. Find out what would need to happen next if she doesn't return. Do things by the book and her stupidity will bite her in the bum! Gosh I thought my situation was bad...I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.

My DH didn't have a custody agreement either when I met him...it was a hastily drawn up document that gave him nothing. But they changed things on their own without going through the courts and we had the kids 50/50. I kept telling him to get it changed legally and he kept saying "Oh she would never take the kids from me". I continued to point out that if she wanted to, she could b/c what is written gives us every other weekend and one afternoon during the week. NOTHING. And if she wanted to get mean she could go to what was written...lo and behold...that's EXACTLY what she did when she wanted to move. She had all the power and we had nothing b/c my pigheaded, darling, husband wouldn't friggin listen to me. And here we sit.

I think I could be more furious with him than HER. This all could have been avoided. But don't listen me...I'm just a social worker who has worked in family courts for quite some time...I don't know a THING.

MEN!