Calling all parents with opinions

[mommaU4]

My mom and I are having a debate over something so I decided to get more opinions on the topic and what better place then the DISboards! (I think)

Seriously, I told her that when my kids are teenagers (they are 10,8,5,5,now) that I wasn't going to make a bit deal over certain things.

Son wants his ear-pierced? Fine. They want tattoos? Fine. Nose pierced? Fine. Dress in black from head to toe including lips and nails? Fine Safety pin through your eyebrow? Fine.

Drugs, alcohol or smoking? No way, absolutely not. DH and I do none of those and they better not either.
Show respect and kindness for those around you? You better believe it.
Keep up the grades? Of course.

If my kids turn out to be decent, smart and respectful, should it really matter that they have a ring through their nose?

All opinions welcomed....that's why asked!

Disclaimer: OP's kids are still young and OP reserves the right to change any and all of the above should she deem necessary anytime within the next 10-12 years. Thank-you and have a nice day.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

Well, if you want to let your kids do any of the above, so long as it's legal, that is certainly your prerogative, even if I (or anyone else) may disagree. I've also given this matter some thought, and I have objections to some of the things you mentioned. For example, I would not allow piercings due to care/infection issues. Also, I think belly piercings are inappropriate on young girls because it sexualizes them (whether that's their intent or not, that's how it's perceived). I also wouldn't allow tattoos because of their permanence. Even pretty tattoos look ugly 30-40 years later. I would be happy to allow (and possibly pay for) quality temporary ones--I don't object to the art, per se, just I don't know if the kid will want that unicorn on her ankle when she's 40.

As far as the less invasive/permanent stuff goes, I'm with you--makeup can be washed off, clothes are just clothes, not worth getting worked up about (unless one of my DD's is dressing trampy--that I reserve the mom veto for!). Keep in mind, though, that even if your kid is on the high honor roll, if they have a safety pin through their nose, strangers are likely to judge them. Not saying it's fair, just likely to happen.

 

[Kermit]

I do believe that you have to pick your battles, but I would pick some of the battles in your examples given. In particular, I wouldn't allow anything permanent, like a tattoo. A child, even a teenager, isn't old enough for that kind of committment. And I might vote down a lot of the others in your example, too, depending on the circumstance. We're a very conservative Christian family, and it would be very hard for our child to lead a lifestyle we approve of with an appearance that was too far out of the range of "normal". I can't say that any of those things would be a definite no (except possibly make-up on boys), but there's a strong likelyhood that we would say no. It would really depend on why they wanted those things and what type of people they were going to hang out with once they started to look kind of strange.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

DH and I have our rules...

Hair color and clothing is fine but nothing permanent like tattoos or piercings. Once you are 18, then go for it.

Anyway "blanket rules" can backfire. You should base things on your children, not your beliefs.

Always start out tough, then give room when it is "earned".

I have 14 & 9yo dd's.

 

[Miller1412]

Keep in mind, though, that even if your kid is on the high honor roll, if they have a safety pin through their nose, strangers are likely to judge them. Not saying it's fair, just likely to happen.

My kids are far from teens, and I've already eaten a lot of my words and will probably eat a lot more before I'm through, but I think I'd pick my battles too. I watched friends grow up so stifled from any kind of "personal statement" and when they finally got out on their own, they went nuts. I agree that if it's illegal, forget it. A safety issue, forget it. A statement...I'd probably go with it, but be sure to point out the permanent issue and the logical consequences that a certain look might cost you some things you want in life.

I do think there'd have to be a long waiting/thinking period before any permanent stuff was done.

 

[Marseeya]

For the most part I'm with you, except for tongue/eyebrow/private part piercings and tattoos. When they're old enough to drive themselves to the piercing shop and do it themselves (I think they have to be 18 here), then I'm fine with it.

Anything temporary, as long as it's within the dress codes at school, it's fine by me.

Just as an example, last spring my DS went through a phase where he wanted to wear black nail polish and dye his hair black. Well, I went out and bought him some good quality nail polish and didn't put up the least bit of a fuss and he totally lost interest within a couple of weeks! Can you imagine how long he would have kept painting his nails if I'd disapproved???

 

[tiggerlover]

Son wants his ear-pierced? Fine. They want tattoos? Fine. Nose pierced? Fine. Dress in black from head to toe including lips and nails? Fine Safety pin through your eyebrow? Fine.

Drugs, alcohol or smoking? No way, absolutely not. DH and I do none of those and they better not either.
Show respect and kindness for those around you? You better believe it.
Keep up the grades? Of course.

My son is only 9, so we haven't had to deal with any of these issues so far. However, at this point in time my thoughts would be go easy on the things that aren't permanent and take a stronger stance on those that are. Dressing differently, black nails, lips; those to me are temporary and could be a phase. Tattoos, permanent; no way, not while living in my house. Ear piercing or nose piercing, I don't like it even though it isn't permanent, not real sure how I would handle that one. Safety pin through eyebrow, not safe in my opinion, so that would be a big NO. Drugs or smoking, NO way. Alcohol, in general no way, but as an older teen and at special family meals, maybe....(we lived in europe for 8-1/2 years and this is an acceptable practice and alcoholism isn't not a bit issue because of it, so we might allow this with supervision). "Show respect and kindness for those around you? You better believe it. Keep up the grades? Of course," ditto for me.

 

[OhMari]

My babies are all teenager and early 20's, but I just want to say, it does make me sad, when I see my oldest with some tatoo's. His clothes hide his, on his back, front breast area and he pierced his upper left (unmentionalbe) Why am I sad, because when he was little he used to break out in hives, he had enczema and it just seemed I was constantly taking him to the dr. to clear his skin and keep him healthy. I think tatoo's are such a fad for kids in their 20's and late teens, can you imagine what they are going to look like when they get to their 40's. Some genius will probably figure out how to get rid of them by then, hopefully.

My dd-21 has a very small one on her foot, and she said it was the most painful thing she has ever done and she totally regrets it.

 

[Alice's Mom]

I will probably let my daughter most of the same things as the OP suggested with the exception of the tattoos. I was 19 and I regret what I chose (thank goodness it's hidden!).

I remember kids in high school with tattoos and I wonder how they feel about what they chose and their placement today. I had one friend with a smurf on her chest, yikes!

 

[cheerbop]

Until they are 18, nothing permanent at all.
I have coached enough (100s) of teenagers to see how awful a piercing infection can get..so nothing abnormal with that either. I had a girl I coached that is now a 25 year old and she has not had her navel ring in for years and the hole is still there...YUCK!

I agree with above posters. Nothing permanent while the kids are mine...let the kids be kids. They are already in too much of a hurry to grow up.

 

[Saphire]

Son wants his ear-pierced? Fine. They want tattoos? Fine. Nose pierced? Fine. Dress in black from head to toe including lips and nails? Fine Safety pin through your eyebrow? Fine.

Drugs, alcohol or smoking? No way, absolutely not. DH and I do none of those and they better not either.
Show respect and kindness for those around you? You better believe it.
Keep up the grades? Of course.

Ear pierced...Eh, ok, but not till he is 16.
Tatoos...nope
Nose pierced...nope
Dress in black...fine (I still do, ha-ha)
Safety pin through eyebrow...never.

Drugs, alcohol, smoking...no drugs, may try sips of wine at dinner table at home, no smoking

Show respect, kindness and get good grades...absolutely!

 

[dmslush]

DD has her ears peirced, that is all that is going to have a hole poked through it until she is an adult. She can also wait until she is an adult for any tattoos. I will not let her perm. mark up her body or scar it up while she is still a minor.


Clothes, well, I try to pick my battles on those. She loves the dark, dreary black gothy looking stuff. I let her wear it maybe once a week. The rest of the time she has to look normal. So far, this has worked for us.

Makeup, she is not too much into makeup. She has on occassion put on a dark gloss. I let her wear light colored stuff if she wants, but I make her wipe off the dark glosses because she has full lips and it looks.. seductive.. LOL when she puts dark gloss on.

BTW, she is 14 if that helps.

 

[EthansMom]

Like others, I say "No" to anything permanent. No tattoos. No piercings beyond one in each ear. Also, a big "No" to wearing inappropriately skimpy clothes. Enormous "No" to drugs and abuse of alcohol (would allow my teen to have a half-glass of wine at celebratory dinners like Thanksgiving).

Now, if, as teenagers, my daughter wants to shave her head and my son wants to dye his hair purple, I wouldn't be ecstatic, but it will grow out.

 

[DisneyAddict_M]

DD can do whatever she wants when she's 18. I do some odd things myself (had neon orange streaks in my hair up until yesterday, now they're burgundy), I dress in black head to to occasionally...but I'm an adult. If she ever uses her "strange mother" as an argument, that is what I will tell her.

 

[Nancy]

I don't have any issues with clothes or hair. My oldest dresses mainly in black or dark colors. She has colored her hair twice in the last 3 months, first time she went lighter, this week she went with a dark brown. No black or colors yet! I don't sweat the small stuff. They have been told they can pierce or tatoo whatever they want when they can pay for it themselves. 2 are working and so far have not opted to pay for piercings or tatoos. I don't think they will either, they are both cheap whe it comes to their own money.

 

[Cindyluwho]

I think tatoo's are such a fad for kids in their 20's and late teens, can you imagine what they are going to look like when they get to their 40's. Some genius will probably figure out how to get rid of them by then, hopefully.

My dd-21 has a very small one on her foot, and she said it was the most painful thing she has ever done and she totally regrets it.

OK, speaking as a 44 yo mom here. I got my first tattoo when I turned 18, my second when I was about 20. The first one was a cheap thing, started fading right away and I finally had it tattooed over a couple of years ago. Am I sorry I got tattooed? No way! Do they hurt when you're getting them? OMG!!! Like labor! It's ungodly the amount they hurt! But no, just because you choose them when you're young doesn't mean you'll get tired of them. I know plenty of people who married young and didn't get tired of their spouse. Or at least so tired of them that they wanted to get rid of them (snicker, snicker)

 

[mom2of2]

I too have decided to pick my battles with DS14. He currently looks like a "Beatle" with the long shaggy hair. About 2 years ago it was spiked and bleached so this is better..I guess. I have the same rules as everyone else with the exception of piercings...ear only and normal sized hole. He doesn't have any and doesn't want one yet so I'm not overly worried about that. Tats are ok as long as his first one is a heart with "Mom" in it! lol I think that if you totally limit what they wear, how they dress, what music they listen to etc then they are going to eventually act out in some degree. My DS loves Pink Floyd, Queen, Stones etc. He's a straight A student and on the debate team.

 

[LoveWDW]

My sons were actually glad that we forbade the permanent holes and tattoos. They could say to their friends that their parents would kill them- not so, but they could use it as an excuse. They could grouse long and loud, and in the end not need to conform to the current fad. Now both young men are in professions in which tattoos and nose and eyebrow earings would not be considered professional.

I agree with the above poster who commented that strangers would judge them.

 

[pyrxtc]

My kids can do almost anything legal. Temporary things are fine but permanent things, they will have to be of consenting age (18) so they can't blame me for them. I'm betting most of my kids (if not all) will have tattoos and different piercings (depending on what's in style then. My DH and I both have tattoos and are looking forward to when we can afford our next ones. We encourage our kids to open their minds to new things. I hate those big holes kids do now though.
A lot of my family has tattoos and the only ones that regret it are the ones that did it for someone else. I even have a tatto that matches an ex-boyfriend but still love it. Reminds me of that time in my life.

 

[ChrisnSteph]

Piercings and tattoos will not be allowed in our house until they're old enough and responsible enough to make that decision - like at least 18 or living on their own. I wish my own mother would have enforced the no tattoo rule. I got one on my ankle when I was barely 17, and my parents didn't care. They wanted to be the cool parents. But I wish they had, or I wouldn't regret having it today. Hair color is not much of a deal with me, but I have a feeling my dh would object to green hair and black nail polish on his sons! Just like we wouldn't allow our dd dress in revealing and hooker chic clothing, we would want our sons to look respectable. But to each their own! We all parent differently, and what works for us may not work for you.