Calling all parents with opinions

[disykat]

No permanent things here either. I also reserve the right to have some say in clothing, etc. - for the same reasons as Chris above. As parents we do have the right to set a standard for our family. Does that mean you fight every little battle - no. However, not putting restrictions on anything can be a mistake too.

I can't stand my 10 year old's long hair or torn blue jean fashion statement right now, but let him make his own choices as long as he is doing something that I feel is age appropriate and reasonable. My Dad wouldn't let me wear overalls - I lived through it without any big rebellion. He was paying the bills. I had to settle for wearing levis to school - something else that they considered shocking at first. I was allowed to choose my own stuff, but within guidelines that they could feel comfortable with. I certainly believe in compromise and negotiation, but not in telling your children do whatever you want, make all your own choices.

A little black clothing won't bother me, but if my kids want to go totally Goth, they can do it the old fashioned way - Buy it with their own money and sneak it on when they leave the house!

 

[shortbun]

I've already fielded the ear piercing question with my 10yo son. I told him he could do it in two years but he might want to consider the pain issue. He hasn't asked again since I told him it hurts worse than a shot. Actually, I'll let him do it at 12 if he still wants to. Several people in our family have a tattoo or two. As long as they are small and usually under clothes, I have no problem with them but DS will have to wait until he can afford one on his own. He'll be paying for lots of other things too like fuel and insurance so I doubt he'll be tattooed for a while. My rule is: no home made tattoos; they are ugly. No drugs, ever-no smoking, ever and no alcohol as he comes from a long line of alcoholics!!!! Children and alcohol do not mix here in the U.S. I am aware of the cultural differences in other countries, we're here-they are there. Goth? I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Right now, DS is a hippie student athlete and not heading toward Goth.

 

[mommaU4]

They have been told they can pierce or tatoo whatever they want when they can pay for it themselves. 2 are working and so far have not opted to pay for piercings or tatoos. I don't think they will either, they are both cheap whe it comes to their own money.

That's actually pretty smart. Most kids jump at the chance to do something until they hear they have to pay for it themselves.
We do that with my son now when it comes to video games. He's always wanting more, but won't part with the $40 or more to buy it. Makes them think twice in any case.

 

[Aidensmom]

DH and I both have tattoos, and both of us have had piercings (yes, HAD, many piercings do grow over and are not permanent). My son is 4, he has already asked for both tattoos and to have his ears pierced. I have bought a collection of temp tattoos, and he does actually have one on almost all the time. When he is 18, he can do whatever he wants about tattoos and piercings, but if I feel he is old enough to make a mature decision about that a few years earlier, I will let him, especially the piercings.

The style of dress he prefers, as long as it is not indecent, is up to him. He already is concerned about what he wears. If he decides he wants nail polish and makeup, I will support him in that too. I think every kid should have the chance to express their individuality. I don't think the way they dress or if they have piercings, etc has any direct effect on their behavior. I think it is just an expression of their personality.

 

[A4Disney]

My mom and I are having a debate over something so I decided to get more opinions on the topic and what better place then the DISboards! (I think)

Seriously, I told her that when my kids are teenagers (they are 10,8,5,5,now) that I wasn't going to make a bit deal over certain things.

Son wants his ear-pierced? Fine. They want tattoos? Fine. Nose pierced? Fine. Dress in black from head to toe including lips and nails? Fine Safety pin through your eyebrow? Fine.

Drugs, alcohol or smoking? No way, absolutely not. DH and I do none of those and they better not either.
Show respect and kindness for those around you? You better believe it.
Keep up the grades? Of course.

If my kids turn out to be decent, smart and respectful, should it really matter that they have a ring through their nose?

All opinions welcomed....that's why asked!

Disclaimer: OP's kids are still young and OP reserves the right to change any and all of the above should she deem necessary anytime within the next 10-12 years. Thank-you and have a nice day.

I hate to say it but I completely disagree.First impressions do count and I want my children to look respectful as well as act it.My oldest is 13 and she's a great kid,wears the in style clothes but no belly showing,just one piercing in her ears etc.I have a neighbor who thinks like you and both kids turned gothic/punk.She thinks it's a phase but my DD said that the kids they hang out with are a bad crowd.I think smart,college bound kids,for the most part,won't be out getting tattoo's,piercings,dressing in all black(remember Columbine?)

 

[LindsayDunn228]

I"m not flaming, I just have a question. For those of you who say yes to letting your kids color their hair, are you going to pay for them to go get it touched up regularly?

 

[Marseeya]

I"m not flaming, I just have a question. For those of you who say yes to letting your kids color their hair, are you going to pay for them to go get it touched up regularly?

I dyed my DS's hair black at the end of school year last year, and I was willing to do touch ups myself. If he'd wanted anything professionally done, he'd have had to use his own allowance for it.

Fortunately, he lost interest in the black hair the same time he lost interest in the black nails! He keeps his hair in a buzz cut because he hates his curls, so the black faded with time and you hardly noticed because his hair is dark brown. The first time he got a new buzz cut, the black was completely gone.

 

[Marseeya]

I agree with the above poster who commented that strangers would judge them.

IMO, that's the absolute worst thing to base a decision on. Why would anyone let some pious, judgmental busybody dictate how they choose to express themselves? (within reason -- as long as what they're doing doesn't hurt anyone else) I'm not raising my kids to be sheep.

 

[Marseeya]

I hate to say it but I completely disagree.First impressions do count and I want my children to look respectful as well as act it.My oldest is 13 and she's a great kid,wears the in style clothes but no belly showing,just one piercing in her ears etc.I have a neighbor who thinks like you and both kids turned gothic/punk.She thinks it's a phase but my DD said that the kids they hang out with are a bad crowd.I think smart,college bound kids,for the most part,won't be out getting tattoo's,piercings,dressing in all black(remember Columbine?)

Wow. I'll have to remember to inform all the smart goth college kids that. They must have missed the memo!

But seriously, you really can't generalize here. Some of the most heinous things ever done to me were done by clean cut church-going, honor student kids.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

We are in this stage now since my kids are almost 18, 15, 12, and almost 6yo. We do pick our battles and for my boys pretty much anything temporary would be allowed, but no piercings and no way on tatoos. When they are over 18yo and supporting themselves they can do what they wish. My DD is allowed ear piercings (lobe only) and she's done hair highlighting, but I'd have a real hard time with her coloring her naturally highlighted strawberry-blonde hair.

As for the dress, it depends. I'm pretty easy going as to the style of clothes, but I don't want my DD going to school with her belly showing and I don't wany my boys walking around with pants that are falling off. My 15yo is bad in that department and I am always on him to pull his pants up.

These are all personal opinions, though, and I don't look down at the kids who look different and at their parents for allowing them to dress as they do. It's more important to me how the kids act in school and behave towards each other.

 

[GEM]

I think smart,college bound kids,for the most part,won't be out getting tattoo's,piercings,dressing in all black(remember Columbine?)

Well, working on a college campus, I gotta tall ya, you're wrong.

 

[mommaU4]

I hate to say it but I completely disagree.First impressions do count and I want my children to look respectful as well as act it.My oldest is 13 and she's a great kid,wears the in style clothes but no belly showing,just one piercing in her ears etc.I have a neighbor who thinks like you and both kids turned gothic/punk.She thinks it's a phase but my DD said that the kids they hang out with are a bad crowd.I think smart,college bound kids,for the most part,won't be out getting tattoo's,piercings,dressing in all black(remember Columbine?)

It's just so wrong to judge based on appearance. Clean cut kids can easily lose it and go on a shooting rampage too.
And just because you look a certain way doesn't mean you act a certain way.

Look at Scott Peterson? Remember him? Having an affair? Killed his lovely wife and unborn son? Lied to everyone?

He was very handsome looking, clean cut, all-American boy next door. I would be very happy to see any of my DD's dating him. As I'm sure Laci's mom was until she was brutally murdered by him.

If there is anything that story taught me is to never judge a person until you get to know them. You just never know.

And if any of my DD's show up with a guy covered in tattoos with a shaved head and a safety pin through his ear I promise to give him a chance to show me who he really is before I start assuming anything.

 

[mommaU4]

I hate to say it but I completely disagree.First impressions do count and I want my children to look respectful as well as act it.My oldest is 13 and she's a great kid,wears the in style clothes but no belly showing,just one piercing in her ears etc.I have a neighbor who thinks like you and both kids turned gothic/punk.She thinks it's a phase but my DD said that the kids they hang out with are a bad crowd.I think smart,college bound kids,for the most part,won't be out getting tattoo's,piercings,dressing in all black(remember Columbine?)

One more thing.....thanks for your opinions. You are certainly entitled to them and I do hope for your neighbors sake her kids are not hanging with "a bad crowd". That's so hard for a parent to see no matter how their kids look!

 

[SDFgirl]

I'm not a parent, but I will say this.

When I was 17, my mom let me go down to Panama City for spring break with my friends. I told her, defiantly, "I'm going to get my belly button pierced when I'm down there!" (So there, Mom!).

She said, "That's fine. As long as you pay for it yourself."

Think I got that belly button pierced? No way! Her "endorsing" it made it loose all of its appeal. Sometimes you just have to call your kid's bluff.

 

[SARAH4KIDS]

This is a tough question!! At 13 I got my first tatoo I did ask my mother and she said no but I did it any way. My brother gave it to me with a sewing needle, thread and indian ink. I do not regret it now and I am 27 years old. my next one I got at 15 (again mom said no) They are both in places that I can hind if I choose to. I am not ashamed of them. latter on my mom said that she did the mom thing by saying no and then after that it was all on me. I could not blame her years latter for what I did. I also dressed in all black and she let me be my own person. Now I am on my way to being a nurse and am not a bad person. my tatoos are a reflection of my teenage years and I would not want my daughters or son to go out and cover there whole bodies with tatoos but I hope that they can have enough confidence in themselves to be themselves. I take it one day at a time and will cross those paths when I get to them. Every child has there own personalities and you have to treat them at the level that they can handle.

 

[AMClvsMKY]

My mom and I are having a debate over something so I decided to get more opinions on the topic and what better place then the DISboards! (I think)

Seriously, I told her that when my kids are teenagers (they are 10,8,5,5,now) that I wasn't going to make a bit deal over certain things.

Son wants his ear-pierced? Fine. They want tattoos? Fine. Nose pierced? Fine. Dress in black from head to toe including lips and nails? Fine Safety pin through your eyebrow? Fine.

Drugs, alcohol or smoking? No way, absolutely not. DH and I do none of those and they better not either.
Show respect and kindness for those around you? You better believe it.
Keep up the grades? Of course.

If my kids turn out to be decent, smart and respectful, should it really matter that they have a ring through their nose?

All opinions welcomed....that's why asked!

Disclaimer: OP's kids are still young and OP reserves the right to change any and all of the above should she deem necessary anytime within the next 10-12 years. Thank-you and have a nice day.

I agree with everything except the tatoo's - I think they should be at least 18. I have no problem with it then - I am sporting one myself.

I have no problem with the piercings when they are teenagers

We have a 16 and a 12 year old and neither of them have asked or done any of this yet. I wonder if it is because they know we won't object.

 

[PatsGirl]

No tatoos or belly rings but most anything else goes. Why? Tatoos are permanent and from what I understand, belly rings can become infected too easily. Go ahead, dye your hair, pierce your ears twelve times, show your boxers but be good! Show respect, be kind, do well in school, keep good friends. I do draw the line on promiscuous clothing as well. No bellies, no spaghetti straps, no short-short skirts or shorts. It's important for kids to find their niche, to find their own identities and as much as it makes me crazy, I think we have to look the other way sometimes. Now, for the goth thing -- I'm not sure, I'm just praying that it doesn't hit my household, but with my luck....

BTW, my degree is in adolescent psych but as my son says, "why is it that you have all this education and know nothing about teenagers?" This is the same son that asked to have his ear pierced before kindergarten but couldnt' wait for it to close before the end of first grade. Had a bear claw shaved into his hair in the first grade and hated it within a week. Spiked his hair and added gold tones to the ends but that only lasted a few months too. He is now all "jock" -- gotta look good, have his hair short, and hang with the good students, OH YEAH

Now for the 8 yo -- pray for me.

Brenda

 

[golfgal]

One thing that comes to mind is that kids, especially teens, want to be like their friends. If they are "in to" the multiple body piercings, tattoos, goth clothing they are more likely to be involve with kids that are also into smoking, drugs, etc. since at the high school age that seems to go along with that lifestyle. NO, not all kids that act or look like you describe are into that stuff, but a lot are. Yes, your clean cut all-American kid can do this too but it is just common with this 'clique' of kids.

I also think that there is a certain amount of personal respect that goes along with a basic level of personal hygiene and if you choose to live a lifestyle of grungy clothing, greasy hair and the like that is often associated with some of the lifestyle choices you mentioned you just don't convey that respect.

There is also the fact that kids that dress/act like you describe are taken for hoodlums/delinquents more often then a more clean cut appearing child, right or wrong. They aren't often given the benefit of the doubt in school or the community.

It sounds like you are more concerned with being a "cool mom" then teaching your children to have respect for themselves and others and that while they are free to choose how to live, they will get farther in the world by looking responsible.

 

[mbw12]

Wow...all this thread proves is that it is so hard being a parent, and that we all parent differently! What works for one, might not work fo the others. I find myself reading some differeing opinions, and I find myself agreeing (somewhat) with both sides.
My kids are 6 and 8, and if things work out how I hope they wil....my dealings with this subject will be:
-No tattoos or "strange" piercings until they are 18 and old enough to pay for it themselves (thank you to whoever suggested that on this thread!!!!!)
-As for the "goth" clothing...hhhmmm.....I don't really know. I work in the fashion industry, so my kids already are very fashion conscious....so hopefully this phase will bypass us....(crossing my fingers).
-I do agree with someone that posted that kids basically want to dress and act like their frineds....right now DS is a very sports minded kid and most of the sports kids around here are pretty clean cut (doens't mean that they don't get into trouble) DD, well...pray for me...she is very fashionable and would love it if I let her flaunt it.,...and she is only 6!!!!! So, I can see her driving me to drink when she is a teenager by wanting to dress like a street walker.....but I will not allow that....trendy, stylish-Yes....provocative-No.

I think we ALL need lots of pixie dust on raising our kids. We all try to do the best that we can....and hopefully it turns out to be the right thing in the end!!!!

 

[disneymom3]

I am pretty on board with most of these responses. NO tattoos while they are under my financial assistance--this includes college if they are not completely independent. DD is allowed to have her ears pierced when she is 12. No other piercings until they are older. The boys....well, they make some pretty decent magnetic earings so they can try it out that way for awhile first.

I don't care about clothes or hair--color or cut--as long as the clothes don't advertise something the child is not realizing. (Promiscuous looks for DD we will need to talk about.)

I also won't let them get a credit card until their third year in college adn then the bill will have to come to our house. Kind of OT I know....