Bush Proposes Early Warning System To Detect Drop In Poll Numbers

[fklhou]

BUSH PROPOSES EARLY WARNING SYSTEM TO DETECT DROP IN POLL NUMBERS

Car Alarm-like Device Would Be Wired to Karl Rove’s Head

In a joint White House appearance today with Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge, President George W. Bush unveiled ambitious new plans for an early warning system that would detect any significant drop in the President’s approval ratings.

According to the plan as outlined by Mr. Ridge, the early warning system would be wired directly to the head of Mr. Bush’s political advisor Karl Rove by means of a sophisticated series of electrodes.

The car alarm-like device would be activated in the event that Mr. Bush’s approval rating dipped below fifty-three percent, alerting Mr. Rove to send the entire Bush political team into a “level orange” alert.

At level orange, Mr. Bush and his team would respond with lightning speed to the dropping approval ratings by proposing additional tax cuts or by calling more countries “evil.”

At the highest alert level – red – Mr. Rove would advise Mr. Bush to drop Dick Cheney from the 2004 Republican ticket and replace him with super-hunk Evan Mariott of the popular “Joe Millionaire” reality series.

At the same press conference, Mr. Bush revealed that intelligence reports indicate that Saddam Hussein may be hiding “ten to fifteen” of Mr. Bush’s approval points in a storage facility in southern Iraq that has been off-limits to U.N. inspectors.

The United States “would not rule out” military action as a means to get those approval points back, Mr. Bush said.

“I’m a patient man,” Mr. Bush said, “but I’d rather be popular than patient.”

**** BOROWITZ REPORTS ****