BUSH INSISTS ON TOUGH NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS FOR SADDAM
Evildoer Must Stop Smoking, Lose Twenty Pounds by Feb. 1
Turning up the heat on Saddam Hussein once more, President George W. Bush demanded today that the United Nations approve a list of tough New Years resolutions for the Iraqi strongman.
According to the New Years resolutions Mr. Bush is insisting upon, Saddam must stop smoking cold turkey as of midnight, December 31.
In addition, Saddam must stop eating his favorite between-meals treat, Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies, and must shed twenty pounds by February 1.
We are giving Mr. Saddam Hussein one last chance, Mr. Bush said at the White House today. He can either stop smoking and lose that spare tire around his gut, or face serious consequences.
To enforce the tough New Years resolutions, the U.N. would send a team of ashtray inspectors to Baghdad to guarantee that Saddam is not sneaking an occasional smoke in violation of the U.N. rules.
In addition, President Bush would travel to Baghdad once a week for an official weigh-in of the Iraqi evildoer, during which Mr. Bush and a team of observers would witness Saddam stepping on a bathroom scale.
I will personally check to see that Saddam is sticking to his diet and losing that unwanted flab, Mr. Bush said. If he is not twenty pounds lighter by February 1, he will pay for his deceit.
Moments after Mr. Bush announced the tough New Years resolutions, Saddam appeared on Iraqi television to denounce the new demands, singling out the weight-loss proviso as an egregious double standard.
Theres no way theyd make Dick Cheney do this, Saddam said.
*****Borowitz Reports***
Evildoer Must Stop Smoking, Lose Twenty Pounds by Feb. 1
Turning up the heat on Saddam Hussein once more, President George W. Bush demanded today that the United Nations approve a list of tough New Years resolutions for the Iraqi strongman.
According to the New Years resolutions Mr. Bush is insisting upon, Saddam must stop smoking cold turkey as of midnight, December 31.
In addition, Saddam must stop eating his favorite between-meals treat, Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies, and must shed twenty pounds by February 1.
We are giving Mr. Saddam Hussein one last chance, Mr. Bush said at the White House today. He can either stop smoking and lose that spare tire around his gut, or face serious consequences.
To enforce the tough New Years resolutions, the U.N. would send a team of ashtray inspectors to Baghdad to guarantee that Saddam is not sneaking an occasional smoke in violation of the U.N. rules.
In addition, President Bush would travel to Baghdad once a week for an official weigh-in of the Iraqi evildoer, during which Mr. Bush and a team of observers would witness Saddam stepping on a bathroom scale.
I will personally check to see that Saddam is sticking to his diet and losing that unwanted flab, Mr. Bush said. If he is not twenty pounds lighter by February 1, he will pay for his deceit.
Moments after Mr. Bush announced the tough New Years resolutions, Saddam appeared on Iraqi television to denounce the new demands, singling out the weight-loss proviso as an egregious double standard.
Theres no way theyd make Dick Cheney do this, Saddam said.
*****Borowitz Reports***
