Bully problems...need help (long post)

[holycow]

I need advise on how to help a 15yr old with his self esteem.
He is constantly picked on at school being called gay and told he is going to get beat up.

The problem is my son is a nice kid, he isn't a fighter but he does have problems socializing...he is an almost Eagle scout, played football this year, loves to surf and is just a nice fun kid to be around...but of course I'm his mom.

He hates going to school, calls me and tells me he has stomach aches and wants to be picked up.

I just read an article today that says kids who are bullied are usually weak, unskilled socially and lack self esteem...it also said they are more than likely to be depressed in their later years.

I am so sad...I don't know what to do...my DH has always taught him not to fight and I know he is right but I can' t get anything done for worrying.

I have a presentation to give for 50 people on Sat. and I just can't even focus on this...I'm ready to hit the rode and keep driving....any advice???
We've already contacted the school and no help in that regard.
But how can we help his self esteem????

Just sign me one sad Holycow

 

[JetMom]

He sounds like a great kid!! My DS is 11 and in his first year as a Boy Scout - I know how much work your DS has done to be approaching Eagle. I am incredibly impressed!

To improve his self-esteem, I would try to get him to focus on the things that he likes to do and does well. I would also focus on building up the friendships that he already has. There must be some boys at school or in the troop that he gets along with--have them over for pizza and video games or something.

I think that if he can say well, "joe" and "bill" think I'm ok, so maybe "jim" and "bob" are the ones with the problem he'll feel a little more confident.

 

[dizny4us]

hi holycow,

We're going through a similar situation with our DS but he's only 11. He has always "walked to the beat of a different drummer". He has trouble making friends too and it shows in his self esteem . We currently have him in counseling to help with his self esteem issues and a social skills class for adhd kids to build his confidence in "social etiquette".

I wish I had the answer, but we're still searching for it ourselves! Your son sounds like a great kid so you're doing something right!

 

[mystycalchyk]

OK not that I'm advocating fighting in school. I'm just going to share my own personal story.

I was always picked on as a kid.

*shrugs*
kids are cruel, what can I say?

Well being the youngest of 5 I was pretty scrappy. My brother taught me how to 'fight' (in other words not be all girly and squeal and pull hair and such)

There were only 2 times I ever needed those skills.

I was taught three 'rules'

first, ignore them. <----- now this could go on for months
second, warn them.
third, follow through

so here i would be, ignoring my little heart out, then I would come to the breaking point and i would warn them that if they didnt leave me alone i would haul off and slug them. then, if they didnt take the message i would.

now i know things are differnet now-a-days. you have parents that would sue you and whatnot. so i'm sure this is of no help for you. but all im saying is that in my experience, a bully is just that. once they are confronted they will usually back down.

if your son can somehow focus on the things he loves to do and just grin and bear it its for the better. he's going to have to learn to live with this sort of diversity at some point, so coming to pick him up with a tummyache is actually not doing him any good.
unfortunately the earlier he learns to deal with these types of people the better. if he were a small child (say 4 or even 8) i might suggest putting him in a different school atmosphere (and that still might be the best bet) but at 15 he's right in the heart of what i think of as the worst years of my life.


i hope i dont offend you with this, as its not my intent. i wouldnt go back to my teen years for any amount of money. egads, what a nightmare!!!! especially now a days, kids are so different. guns and all


oh and as for the 2 times i needed to fight?....well

the first time was in 6th grade (1982, for anyone keeping notes) this girl who was always picking on me and teasing me was at it again, and i finally warned her to back off. well she wouldnt. we were standing waiting for the buss to come pick us up to go home. im standing there with my little bundle of books and my clarinet case trying to ignore her. then i turned to her and said "you know what? i told you to leave me alone!" i hauled off and slapped her upside the head with my clarinet case.

we became quite good friends after that. weird.

2nd time

also 6th grade. we were in shop class, and this other girl, who stood a good head taller than me. same thing, she was bullying me around, i got tired of it, i told her i was going to hit her and i did. i remember it vividly, i had to reach up, way up, to hit her, but i did...square in the jaw, i punched her hard.

we also became friends afterwards.


*shrugs*



please dont get offended. i dont mean to

 

[DoeWDW]

My son was younger when he went through this. He also is a great kid but realizes that fighting is NOT the answer. He has Attention Deficit (without the hyperactivity) also and is not great with social skills.

We enrolled him in martial arts. They highly recommend this for ADD kids because it helps to build focus and concentration skills, as well as building self-esteem and self-confidence. He went on to get his black belt in tang soo do (like tae kwon do).

When confronted with a bully now, he chooses not to fight. He does warn them and if they hit first, he knows enough to get them to stop without hurting them too badly. His martial arts school stressed that the skills are for DEFENSE only. Fortunately, the bullies have always stopped when warned, and he does do a lot of ignoring. However, he says it's easier to ignore them when he knows he would have the upper hand in a fight.

Good luck with your son. I feel for you - it's so hard to see our kids hurting.

 

[Krisu]

My DS 15, recently had a problem with a kid half his size! A real "punk" He would make disparaging remarks about DS's then girlfriend. Now when DH or I were in school, this would have been settled after school in a fight. Can't do this now-days with law suits and zero tolerance! We begged DS to go to his Guidance Counselor each time this happened. He did and it was documented. He even had a phone message on his cell he shared with the Counselor and with the school's Youth Officer. They handled it from there and it stopped. I did tell DS that if this kid ever threw the first punch, he had our permission to let him have it! I would think the school would be more help? What if someone got hurt and they knew this was going on?!

 

[chichihoney]

i was picked on in 7th grade he grab pushed me i igniored warnhim and told a teacher my teacher t alked to him he kept doing it. and he stopped

 

[AirForceRocks]

holycow, I think the fact that your son is talking to you about the bullying puts you way ahead in this - many times, the kids keep this type of thing in until it just explodes in them.

I wish I had some good advice about how to stop the bullying, but whatever you do, try to keep him talking about it. It is a release valve for him, and one that I think should be encouraged.

 

[Keli]

Personally I would remove my son from as many of the situations that made life hard for him as I could. If the bus is bad news I would drive him myself and if I couldn't do that I'd figure out some way to get him off that bus. I think it's a huge mistake to leave our kids in emotionally painful situations very long. I know some folks argue it toughens them up but I believe it just scars them up emotionally. I would talk to ds a lot and find out what things bother him most and start working to eliminate those situations. You might not be able to help some things but I think you'll be surprised how much you can help. Also, I would find the areas that your ds excells in and find opportunities for him to shine in that area. My last piece of advice might be controversial but I know it works. I would volunteer as much as possible to help your ds' school. Run a couple of funraisers for them, since your ds plays football run a fund raiser for the football booster club. If he is in school plays help out the drama club, if he sings in the choir then try to help the choir out. I've just found that the more often the teachers and principals saw my face in positive situations the more helpful they were when I needed them to step in and change something for my dd. But the thing that I think helped Ash the most was knowing that I was firmly in her corner no matter what and I was doing everything I could to make her life better and happier. Somehow just knowing someone is unequivically on your side was a real moral booster for her.
I guess you can tell from this long post that my heart goes out to kids in these situations and I really hope things turn around for your son.

 

[damo]

Can he change schools? Sometimes when kids are with the same kids for a long time they can't change the way they think about each other. A new school might give him a fresh start with people who haven't got preconceived ideas about him. My daughter went to a new school for high school where she hardly knew anyone. It took a year or so to find her niche but she is an incredibly confident girl now who is definitely going places.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't know the right answer but I would probably take my kid out that kind of situation without any hope of help from the school.
I don't see how you could solve it without their help?

 

[holycow]

Thank you all for your ideas with how to help our son...
I am greatful that he does talk to me but I can see how much he is hurting and I can only give him suggestions and I am running out of those!

The school hasn't been much help we've called the 2 people who would be responsible for this situation 4 different times with NO RESPONSE!....there are 3700 kids at this school...I'm sure they think this is no big deal ...my DH said next step is the school board.

I have been driving him and picking him up from school now...I wouldn't make him suffer any more than he is, but then one side says am I helping him to "run away" instead of facing his problems.

I'm the one who would like him to pop this kid one but DH said he had the same problem in school and fighting never solved anything. Also when the kid said he was going to beat him up all of this kids friends chimed in...yeah we'll help too so, it sounds like a group instead of just one kid.

I'm looking into changing schools but the schools around here are so crowded! I just wonder if it would be any better. He wants me to homeschool him but I just don't have the knowledge or discipline to follow through with that.

I appreciate everyone sharing their own stories of the torment they've suffered or their kids are going through.....I guess I am still always amazed at how mean people can be.

I think I might look into the martial arts and volunteering at the school.

Thanks again so much.

 

[Pop Daddy]

didnt read all the long post, but nothing I dislike more then a bully

 

[poohandwendy]

Something that hasn't been mentioned, counselling. Not because there is something wrong with him, but if he expresses his feelings to a counsellor, they can help him deal with it and may have ideas on how to get the school to act on your concerns. Just a thought...

 

[lilboo]

I just hate hearing about things like this.

Your son doesn't seem completely without social opportunities...the Eagle Scouts and football. Does he have other interests that might involve joining groups outside of school and away from the bullies-advanced classes at the local university, community theater, etc? More interaction with other kids who have similar interests and who will accept him as he is may bolster his self-esteem and hopefull give him an "air" of confidence at school that might deter his bullies...???

I agree with the others too...I'm glad he's talking to you about this. Good luck and hang in there.

 

[BarryHom]

I don't know if these ideas will work, but try these:

1.) Say "So?"

The conversation may go like this:

Bully: "Hey, you, you know you're gay?"

Kid: "So?"

Bully: "Well, being gay is not right!"

Kid: "So?"

Bully: "Well, er, your mom dresses you funny!"

Kid: "So?"

Bully: "Um, you have funny hair!"

Kid: "So?"

Bully: "Argh, you're so annoying!"

2.) Try to pay them off. It was called something official in a management class, but I forgot what it was.

It goes like this:

Bully smacks the kid in the head.

Kid: "Hey, I like how you did that. Do it again tomorrow and I'll give you a dollar!"

Bully comes back tomorrow and smacks the kid in the head.

Kid: "Hey, good work! Come back tomorrow and do that and you get 50 cents!"

Bully comes back tomorrow and smacks the kid in the head.

Kid: "Wow, that was great! Come back tomorrow and do that and get a penny!"

Bully: "A penny? I'm not doing it for a penny! Are you crazy?"


Try these! They might work.

 

[Wish Upon A Star]

Holycow - I totally feel for you. Kids are just horrible to each other.

Has your son gone to his school Administrator/Principal about the kids that are threatening him? I really think this should be documented. Sounds like these kids need some off time for threatening to harm another student as well as their parents being brought in to the situation.

My advice is to be persistent when dealing with the school. Start with the Principal and then move upward. Something has to be done about it. Why should your son be deprived of an education because some "bullies" are not interested in getting an education. The "bullies" aren't the ones losing sleep over this. Time to turn the tables.

I attached a link to a case of a local boy who was constantly bullied at school. Even though your son is open with you it doesn't take away all the pain and frustration he must feel inside.

http://abcnews.go.com/sections/us/GoodMorningAmerica/scruggs030909.html

 

[cati]

I hate it when some kids think they have to bully others to make themselves feel good. We have gone throught some of the same things. We have not found a solution yet. We have given our permission to fight if he is hit first. He will still get suspended from school, but if it stops this bully then it will be worth it. Wish your son the best