Bully on the bus question

[tiggger1]

I also got picked on by many kids in school. I had one girl put salt in my hair, I told on her and she got in trouble. The boy that lived in the apartment downstairs from me would pick on me all the time, he would lift my skirt so much that I would only wear jeans. He would talk inapropraite to me in a sexual way. He would throw things at me. I didnt tell my parents because I knew my father would kill him. I ignored it for a while until one day on the bus, he touched my chest. I pushed him away and he grabbed me and I swung and broke his nose. Now remember, I was 14, he was 16 or 17. The bus driver had no idea what had happened and tried to throw us both off the bus. I refused to get off the bus with him and told the bus driver to call the cops if he had to but i refused to get off the bus and be alone with this jerk. When I got to school, they had the headmaster and security ready because they were told that there had be a fight on the bus. When they came on the bus and asked what happened. I stood up told the headmaster that he grabbed me and i hit him, end of story. At that point i didnt care if I got in trouble because I knew he would never bother me again.........( he ended up getting suspended and arrested, because apparently he did this to other girls.... a week later we moved out of the apartment to live with my grandmother, the day after that, he shot his pregnant sister in the stomach)


My point is that with real bullies, ignoring it wont make it go away, it usually makes it get worse..and while I dont think hitting is the best way to handle it, sometimes its the only way to make it stop....

 

[Wishing on a star]

Plain and simple...

There should be NO hesitation, and NO wishy-washyness

The fact is that Bullies do thrive on the pain of others who 'will not stand up to them'. They are selfish, evil, control freaks. The ONLY thing to do is to stand up and take ACTION!

Bullying is a very very serious thing!!! It does not matter that these are only words... This bully is tormenting this girl. Do you all remember that the previous Miss America was bullied to the point that she felt that her safety was in danger??? It wrecked her psychological well being... Awareness of 'Bullying and Harasment' was her Platform as Ms. America!

If this happened anywhere else, like out in public, then I would agree that it is up to let the children handle it, until it is out of hand.

But NEVER NEVER NEVER in an enclosed classroom or bus, schoolyard, bus-stop, etc... where these children are forced to be in each others presence, and there are CLEAR rules prohibiting this kind of behaviour!!!!!

I also feel that this is becoming out-of-control.

Let me repeat that...
NEVER NEVER NEVER in an enclosed classroom or bus, schoolyard, bus-stop, etc... where these children are forced to be in each others presence, and there are CLEAR rules prohibiting this kind of behavior!!!!!

This is NOT tattling. Tattling is when you are telling on somebody, trying to control them, or get them in trouble, when you are not directly concerned.

In this case, The OP's daughter IS directly concerned. She is being verbally abused, bullied, berated, harassed, etc... Good God, these bullies are already doing much worse than saying 'tattle-tale'. So, who cares if this word is added to the mix.

The bottom line is that these bullies need STOPPED. The bottom line is that the OP's DD has a RIGHT to ride the bus to school free from constant harassment. The bottom line is the School District has an OBLIGATION to provide a 'harassment-free' environment for every childs well being and education.

To the OP... Buck Up... Take action...
I am asking myself here, just what is more important, your daughters well being, or your husbands feelings/opinions... You need to look at your priorities here!!!!

Take direct action NOW...
Do you still want to be facing this situation next Spring? Next Year?

HUGS to you and your DD!!!!

 

[Laurabearz]

I would help your DD write a good blow out cut down.... soemthing witty and shameful towards K.

Something like how like How sad and pathic it is that K doesnt have a life and needs to make fun of others, in order to feel good about life, and that your DD has a great life, and some little nothing, who doesnt have enough good in her life, wont change that fact... Go ahead... spend energy teasing me, Ill spend My energy living my life well.... Then address the bus... do you want to live life well or like a this poor excuse for a human?

((((((((hugs))))))))))) I was tormented as a child... One entry in my yearbook, from Christopher Huffin (still remember 30 plus years later) said how he was amazed at how well I took all the garbage they tossed out, himself included. Sucked.... it really did. BUT living life well is the best revenge! lol

 

[Maleficent13]

This is NOT tattling. Tattling is when you are telling on somebody, trying to control them, or get them in trouble, when you are not directly concerned.

Well, you may have a clear cut definition of "tattling", but I guarantee middle schoolers don't see it this way. All they see is DD got K in trouble = DD will tell on me too = I don't want to hang out with DD.

It's amazing how often employees use this line of reasoning as well. I guess it's not confined to middle schoolers.

 

[taylor1293]

What do I suggest she do? I suggest she stand up to the bully and tell her to shut the heck up. I believe I said that on the first page. I also stated that I knew that was a tall order for a middle schooler. But sometimes life is tough. Standing up to the girl is a win/win situation. The bully will more than likely back down, and the DD will win the respect of her peers for standing up for herself.

By having Mom "tell" on the bully, she's potentially making this follow her around the rest of her school career. Sure, the school may make sure the kids don't say anything to DD, but they sure as heck will think it, and it has the potential to make things very hard for the DD down the road. I'd hate to see her sitting alone, labeled as a whiny tattletale (something that no parent can do anything about).

I was just throwing my $0.02 in along with everyone else's.

I completely agree that she should have stood up for herself. When it was just a one against one issue, it should have been dealt with at that time.

Now this girl has a group of friends who are also bullying the OP's child. Backing down isn't as likely. So how does she stand up for herself now? Corner the bully alone somewhere? Do it in front of the group of the bully's friends? Get a group of her friends together and confront the bully?

I'm not asking these questions to be snide, I honestly want to know how the DD is supposed to stand up for herself since it has already gone so far and now involves more than one girl?

Also, I don't understand how some parents think it's so horrendous for their child to be labeled a tattletale (because they refused to tolerate abuse). But it's okay for other kids to label her names such as: Loser, dork, idiot, chicken.....and a more likely 7th grade bully vocabulary B, S, W, & C (use imagination for these). These are probably the names that her DD is being called. Not to mention there are likely some threats being thrown out as well. But I guess that is just sooooo much better than someone labeling her a tattletale?!?!

Teresa

 

[Maleficent13]

I won't quote your post, taylor 1293 (too long! ) but I am responding to it.

The bullying is happening on the bus, so she should confront it there, on the bus, in front of all applicable bullies.

As far as being labeled a "tattletale"...I am not concerned about other kids calling her a tattletale...I agree some of the words they're calling her now are probably worse. What I am concerned about are the kids who are not involved in this situation in any way...the spectators on the bus...they are watching this. DD tells the school, and K and the gang are punished. Everyone on the bus knows DD told. Everyone at school knows it too. Now what's happening is everyone at school, even those who aren't bullies, are whispering that DD will tell on you if you do something wrong. So best then not to do anything with DD, for fear if you screw up, she will tell.

Then DD has lost out on potential friends, and feels more isolated and depressed than she may already. And before anyone says "Well, if that's the case she doesn't need them as friends anyway"...well, yes, she does. This is middle school. The overwhelming majority of kids are like that. Most likely they will grow out of it, but middle schoolers as a group are generally mean, spiteful, afraid, and love to label. Put the most angelic middle schooler (if there is such a thing) in a group with other middle schoolers, and they'll fall into the group. It's the nature of the time period.

 

[WeirdEyes]

I was tormented in the 8th grade by another girl and her friends. Needless to say, my Dad and brother taught me how to fight and defend myself. One day in PE, she was harrassing me again. I told her to shut up. She wouldn't so I cold cocked her. We both got sent to the principal's office and I got off with a hand slap because the teachers knew I was being harrassed. After that, I was treated with respect by all of the bully's friends and she left me alone. I don't condone violence, but sometimes if nice words don't work, you must handle the situation. I had enough of the abuse and dealt with it the best way an 8th grader knew how. Good luck with whatever you do. I know it is not easy.

 

[taylor1293]

This is middle school. The overwhelming majority of kids are like that. Most likely they will grow out of it, but middle schoolers as a group are generally mean, spiteful, afraid, and love to label. Put the most angelic middle schooler (if there is such a thing) in a group with other middle schoolers, and they'll fall into the group. It's the nature of the time period.

I agree with your description of most middle schoolers. My dad is retired and drives a school bus. He has said that the worst kids are the ones he has to pick up from middle school. They are vicious to each other.

I have a 6th grader who just started middle school this year (shudder). She is truly a good child, innocent, honest, smart, caring, and will do anything to assist a friend. I fear what changes this period in her life will bring to her.

Fortunately, her school separates the grades so she is dealing only with 6th graders(except on the bus). And thankfully they still seem to have an elementary school mentality. I know that will soon change. We have discussed bullies. She hasn't ever had a problem with one. However, I do believe it is only a matter of time since most everyone encounters them at one time or another during school.

Anyway, I'll stop rambling and get back to the topic now .

I can see one major problem with the school bus. The DD is alone when she gets off of the bus. So the mother would have to be aware that her DD is planning to stand up for herself so that she can be there in case they try to physically assault her after she gets off the bus.

If the girl(s) don't back down after the DD tells them to, then would you advocate the mother contacting the school?

Teresa

 

[Maleficent13]

Oh...I sympathize with you and your DD...I am already not looking forward to my DD having to go to middle school, and she is years away! Much luck to you and her!

Now, on topic:

I can see one major problem with the school bus. The DD is alone when she gets off of the bus. So the mother would have to be aware that her DD is planning to stand up for herself so that she can be there in case they try to physically assault her after she gets off the bus.

If the girl(s) don't back down after the DD tells them to, then would you advocate the mother contacting the school?

I think the OP said by the time her DD gets off the bus only the main bully is left, and one other kid. OP also said her DD is much bigger than the bully, so I don't know how worried I'd be about physical assault, but it certainly couldn't hurt for the mom to be there waiting.

As far as what I would do if the bully still didn't back down after the confrontation, I'll be honest here and say I really don't know. I'd be pretty surprised if confrontation didn't work, and I'd have to give it some serious thought depending on the specifics of the case. I'm not saying I'd never go to the school...just that it would have to be dire for that to happen.

 

[disykat]

Things are different now in regards to bullying than when we were kids. It has to be dealt with. She has to tell. If she doesn't report it, it is likely that SHE will be the one in trouble if she confronts this student.

 

[Snowy]

I can see both sides of this debate about what the OP should do - it would be great if DD could stop this bully on her own and gain strong self-esteem from it. But if the school is never contacted, what lesson is DD learning about involving authorities? Where is the line drawn on when it is OK to be a "tattletale?" Seems that the differences in opinion may boil down to views on how much damage is actually caused by psychological abuse and harassment. As an adult, if I were being harassed by someone on the bus on the way to work everyday, the police would know pretty quickly. There are some things you shouldn't have to deal with yourself.

 

[SleepyMom]

Here is where we stand right now, DD wants the chance to stand up for herself and see if that will put an end to K and her friends. We went over a couple different things she could say to defend herself, and I think she feels better knowing that we support her and her taking a stand against K. I think before she thought that standing up for herself equaled starting a fight and that is not in her to be that way.

I am going to wait for her to get home today and see how things went. I am trying to follow DD on this and do what makes her comfortable. The school will be called tomorrow, one way or another. I will either let them know there is a bullying issue on that bus without names, or give them K's name (DD doesn't really know the other girls only because they are a grade older) and let them take it from there. If DD feels her speaking up to K might make a difference I need to let her try to handle it for herself.

Thanks to Maleficent13, without even knowing me you have summed up my feelings on this so perfectly. It feels like a tightrope that I am on, trying to balance protecting my DD and yet letting her grow up and handle things for herself.

As for a confrontation when they get off the bus, thankfully that is not something I have to worry about, the bus stops right in front of our yard. Since we have a new puppy and he is DD's, I have him outside at that time everyday so he can greet her right away. During the day at school the grades are kept apart, so the only time K has the chance to say and do anything is while on the bus.

I will update after DD gets home today.

 

[Maleficent13]

and : for you, SleepyMom! I look forward to the update!

 

[Buckalew11]

If you could have seen the things that happened on the school bus when I was in middle school and high school, it'd scare you to death! Please don't let this issue go--no matter what K's problem is or is all about. My DD will never ride the bus to school because of what I witnessed. It never happened to me personally but one never knew who would be picked on next because it seemed to come out of no where. All busses should have cameras and moniters. A bus ride to school should NEVER be a nightmare for a child or a place to feel so unsafe.

I hope all goes well for your DD. I have an 11 yo DD also.

 

[Deb & Bill]

Sleepymom, I may be way off base, but what about this suggestion? You said that you used to be friends with K's parents. How about you and your daughter invite K and her mother over one day for lunch? Make it a friendly time. But try to find out what's going on. Talk about what is going on and see if you can find out why K is treating your daughter this way. No confrontation, just a chance to talk like old friends.

Someone else noted that K was jealous, perhaps jealous of you and your daughter's relationship. Maybe that's why she is being mean to your daughter.

 

[bcvillastwo]

In my view the absolute worst thing anyone can do where is a bully is concerned is to NOT stand up to them. With that said, I hope your daughter will do just that and sooner rather than later.

I wonder about the bully's mother who took her child's side when two adults told her, her daughter was being a brat. That is the girl's real problem, her mom (and maybe her dad) but if they won't take action to deal with it and let her know its not acceptable then someone else must.

I believe it's true that there is less tolerance for bullies today in most school systems than there used to be but still I'm skeptical about going to the school. Still for compliance purposes I think that at a minumum the school principle needs to be told as does the person who supervises the bus drivers.

One thing I've found effective is to bring the kids into the same room and question them one at a time about what is going on and who is doing what to whom. However, if the person doing the questioning doesn't know how to do this properly, it may backfire.

Still at the end of the day most bullies will not be swayed by anything except being stood up to and doing so in a very serious way. Unfortunately its always worse when the bully's actions are seeminly condoned by the parents.

Good luck mom--it really is a tightrope you are walking.

 

[taylor1293]

I am going to wait for her to get home today and see how things went. I am trying to follow DD on this and do what makes her comfortable. The school will be called tomorrow, one way or another. I will either let them know there is a bullying issue on that bus without names, or give them K's name (DD doesn't really know the other girls only because they are a grade older) and let them take it from there. If DD feels her speaking up to K might make a difference I need to let her try to handle it for herself.

I hope it went great today for your DD and she was able to take care of this situation on her own! I'm glad to hear you are planning to notify the school one way or the other ! Hopefully this is all over soon.

Teresa

 

[taylor1293]

Oh...I sympathize with you and your DD...I am already not looking forward to my DD having to go to middle school, and she is years away! Much luck to you and her!

Thanks . I suspect we will need much luck to get through the next few years!

I'm crossing my fingers that her DD's confrontation today was successful!

Teresa

 

[Wishing on a star]

I have NEVER heard of a bully who just up and 'stopped' the harassment just out of the goodness of their heart.... People who do this have some serious problems. I agree with those who say that, by sheer definition, they will not stop until somebody actually stands up to them... They are NOT in it for the fight... They are in it to inflict pain on a weaker person who they just know will not stand up to them. If they see a real fight, this is where it will end.

This is the ONLY answer. This is NOT tattling. Bullying is NOT acceptable bahavior. This has gone well beyond the likes of little kids saying "natty-natty-boo-boo". Anybody who says 'just ignore it', or 'kids will be kids', etc... are just plain wrong. This is continuing HARASSMENT. There is no justifiable reason to not put a stop to it immediately. Like the one other poster said, if I were being harassed by somebody on a daily basis, you better bet that I would be involving the police if it continued!!! Harassment is illegal. Can everyone say 'restraining order'. Most schools have now wised up and incorporated "zero tolerance" policies.

 

[Maleficent13]

I think the OP and her DD have come to a solution that is comfortable to both of them. And I don't think anyone on this thread ever suggested that a bully was just going to stop out of the goodness of their heart.