Budget vent...

[DISdreamin']

So I've been trying to watch our spending, cutting down on grocery costs, trying generic and such in an attempt to save money. We're trying to save up for a downpayment for another car, so any little bit we can shave here or there we've been trying to.

This weekend, though, has been a bit expensive. We went bowling yesterday and had a blast, and today we went to the movies to see TS3 (loved it!). The weather wasn't good enough for outside activities, thus indoor stuff.

So after all that spending, when we were on our way out of the mall DH takes DS to the chocolate store to buy candy. He asked what to get for DD - I said a milk chocolate - as in ONE piece. DD and I are a few minutes behind them, and I walk in to find out he is checking out with $13 worth of bulk candy. Three BAGS of it, one for him and one for each DD and DS. Seriously?!?! $13.00 worth of crap?!

I am so mad. When I walked in, he hadn't yet paid, so I said "that's too much" and took DD so he could deal with it. Instead of putting anything back, he just paid for it. I simply don't get it. At that point, he could have walked, or he could have chosen to say "that is more than I wanted to spend" or whatever. Instead he just pulled out his cash and handed it over.

And this isn't the first instance he hasn't had the - whatever - to say "hey, this isn't what I bargained for...forget it". What makes some people unable to stand up for themselves when they're being ripped off?!? One time at a hotel we were staying at, he went in to a restaurant to grab a muffin. When he walked in, they said "nope, buffet - that'll be $20". Did he walk away? Nope, paid it. Did I mention he and I were supposed to grab breakfast together that morning, and that he just needed a little something to tide him over? But no...

This kind of stuff is going to drive me bat-$**t crazy. I HATE it. I have no idea what to do about it, but it's driving a wedge between us because I am in charge of all the bills. So where he sees "eh, it's only $13", I see "wow, if he does that a couple times a week (and he DOES), it's $100+ a month".

Thanks for letting me vent, and flame away if you feel it is warranted.

 

[beansmom]

#1...this is a good place to vent...#2--now that #1 is done, when you can calmly discuss it, explain to your DH what you said here. Remind him about the budget and gently tell him that we ALL have to cut back...one chocolate instead of a bag, etc.

The #1 piece of advice i have for discussion is to refrain from using 'you' as much as possible. I try not to say 'YOU need to ....' but rather 'I need ...'. It seems to work.

Good luck.

 

[Promomx2]

I feel your pain. Dh is the same way. I send him to the store for 2 things and he comes back with 2 bags full of things and mostly things he shouldn't be eating of things I know I have a coupon for. Just chaulk it up to "we're not perfect" and just learn to do what I try to do. Monitor dh and ds when they're in any place where they can spend money, but I do it so they don't know and gently remind them before we go to somewhere how much we're going to spend.

 

[bumbershoot]

I wish you luck!

If you're on llnoe.com, the people there can give helpful advice on coaxing reluctant spouses towards a budget... If you're not, go there and join.


Dh has done weird things like that. When talked to about it later, he indicates that things were just going too fast, he got confused and didn't have a chance to think about the other options. I don't really understand that, but it's what he says is his experience.

 

[hsmamato2]

This weekend, though, has been a bit expensive. We went bowling yesterday and had a blast, and today we went to the movies to see TS3

So after all that spending, when we were on our way out of the mall DH takes DS to the chocolate store to buy candy. Three BAGS of it, one for him and one for each DD and DS. Seriously?!?! $13.00 worth of crap?!

At that point, he could have walked, or he could have chosen to say "that is more than I wanted to spend" or whatever.

And this isn't the first instance he hasn't had the - whatever - to say "hey, this isn't what I bargained for...forget it". What makes some people unable to stand up for themselves when they're being ripped off?!?
Thanks for letting me vent, and flame away if you feel it is warranted.

well, 1st off- I do feel for you- sounds like you're the only one in the house who knows you've got to work within a budget.
2nd-it doesn't sound like cutting back to me,all the above mentioned stuff.
all of that is expensive,and you were in a mall! (money sucker)
3rd- your dh put the candy in the bag,and I know the signs are posted as to cost. He DID bargain for that,he touched it and put in a bag. Why should the store pay to throw his candy away b/c he changed his mind? When you take food, you can't just not pay for it after it's been germed up by your family....

(FWIW I hate those candy stores,why would anyone pay 13.00 a pound for m&m's?)

summing up,I feel your frustration,but IMO the candy was the smallest amount you spent last weekend,and none of it was 'budget'
I'd forget about it- and then work with DH to get a plan together to spend appropriate amounts of money.

 

[SaraJayne]

Seeing as you went bowling and to see a movie all the same weekend, I'd have a hard time arguing about the $13 for candy.

 

[2Tiggies]

Seeing as you went bowling and to see a movie all the same weekend, I'd have a hard time arguing about the $13 for candy.

I also thought of this, but purely from the standpoint that your DH probably just saw it as part of the weekend activities.

Another thing, and you don't have to comment/answer on this as it is just something to consider, are you the main person responsible for the family budget or do you sit down and do it together every time? Sometimes the person who does not bear the responsibility of the intricacies of the budget has a completely different perspective. Also, we all have different views on what is a waste and what is not.

 

[deedeecee]

I think you need to cut DH a little slack here.
Even though you are in the budget mode, trying to save $ for a down payment on a new car, it doesn't sound like a budget weekend. And you know, that's OK! Sure, the $13 could have been better spent (or saved) elsewhere, but what's done is done. If it was a bulk candy type store, I think it probably would not have been possible to put back the candy (or fair to the store owner).
I hope you enjoyed the weekend, nonetheless!

 

[GoofyMomInOhio]

We went bowling last week using the kids bowl free (have a family pass) and it was $11 for 2 games (shoes). We also saw TS3 last week using the free movie tickets from TS1 and TS2 ~ cost $15. That was all we paid out in entertainment last week for our family of 5 so maybe the OP used similar deals.

 

[DISdreamin']

3rd- your dh put the candy in the bag,and I know the signs are posted as to cost. He DID bargain for that,he touched it and put in a bag. Why should the store pay to throw his candy away b/c he changed his mind? When you take food, you can't just not pay for it after it's been germed up by your family....

Just wanted to address this - the candy we are talking about is wrapped and does get restocked and resold (I've watched it happen) if someone declines something at the counter. It wouldn't be thrown away, and had it been the case that it was unwrapped, I would in no way suggest he put some back. It certainly isn't the stores problem, and I wouldn't have made them "eat" the cost.

Another thing, and you don't have to comment/answer on this as it is just something to consider, are you the main person responsible for the family budget or do you sit down and do it together every time?

Sadly, yes. I've tried setting up budget meetings, I've tried getting us to work on this together. It's always just me. He'll ask "can we afford this" about things, and I'm like "I don't know, can we?!" It isn't for me to decide, honestly. It's our money and we should be deciding together what is reasonable. But somehow that isn't the way it works out.

Seeing as you went bowling and to see a movie all the same weekend, I'd have a hard time arguing about the $13 for candy.

With the kids bowl free deal at AMC, the bowling really wasn't that expensive at all. The movie was, but this is the first time in weeks we have done outings that cost $ - the other weekends this month, the weather was nice and we were able to do free things. Today we had planned to picnic and play today, but unexpected thunderstorms developed (literally a 10% chance of rain turned into a downpour within 30 minutes...I had just checked weather.com!), and so we were left grasping for something fun to do. We did a house picnic and then the movie.

Thanks for talking sense to me, guys! I think we just need to learn to communicate better (after all these years of marriage you'd think we'd have it down, but noooo...). And you're right. If you consider the ~$50 we spent for activities this weekend, the $13 doesn't look too bad. It's just that, on top of what we spent, the extra money just bugged me.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I guess I'm lucky that my DH is as cheap (I mean careful with money) as I am!

Seriously, though, my co-worker has a problem with her DH spending too much on really silly things and having no concept of where the money goes. To remedy this, they do not have a credit card. Everything is paid for with cash or a debit card. Speaking of a debit card, he does not have one. She carries the only debit card for their joint account. Each week, she gives him an allowance of cash and that's all he gets. If he spends it on is day off drinking beer with his friends, he doesn't get more. If there's a big expense like new tires, she goes along and pays for it. I know it sounds extreme, but it seems to work for them. I'm glad I don't have to keep my DH on such a short string!!!

 

[nomolos]

Maybe you should have named this post "I am now going to flame my husband". This is not a budget vent it is a vent about your spouse and how he chooses to spend money. As a happily married man (for 15 yrs) I can honestly say that after reading that I have absolutely no sympathy your side in this story. Regardless of whether you were right or wrong, when faced with the attitude you described yourself having most people in this world would've done the exact same - or maybe even added an extra bag or two to the total. How about giving the guy some credit for trying to do something nice for his children instead of flaming him to complete strangers (if you think I am off base on this show him your post and get HIS opinion of what you wrote to the world).

 

[It's A Small World]

Sounds like you and your hubby need to sit down and do the bills together so he can see where all the money goes. For months, DH could not understand where all our money went. We sat and did the bills one time together and he had his light bulb moment. Some times they need to actually see how much it costs to run a house!

 

[DISdreamin']

Maybe you should have named this post "I am now going to flame my husband". This is not a budget vent it is a vent about your spouse and how he chooses to spend money. As a happily married man (for 15 yrs) I can honestly say that after reading that I have absolutely no sympathy your side in this story. Regardless of whether you were right or wrong, when faced with the attitude you described yourself having most people in this world would've done the exact same - or maybe even added an extra bag or two to the total. How about giving the guy some credit for trying to do something nice for his children instead of flaming him to complete strangers (if you think I am off base on this show him your post and get HIS opinion of what you wrote to the world).

You are totally right. I was venting. Yes. And flaming. Absolutely. I'd rather do it here and get slapped straight by you guys than go off on my husband (yes, before you say it, again!). Which is why, in my original post, I made the comment about flaming away. I knew I deserved it, and would likely get it - and I have (and I'm sure there will be more).

Was I in the right? Nope, for one thing (and certainly not the only thing!) I should have kept my mouth shut and not said a word. Going forward, I'd like to try and figure out how to change things...mostly ME. How do I not let this stuff drive me nuts? I think having us both involved in budgeting would go a long ways there. I wouldn't be responsible for paying the bills at the end of the month. *We* would, and we would both have a budget to stick to instead of me trying to budget, and frequently feeling like I am trying to make up for lost $.

Right now, I'm trying to pare down everything to make things work (and FWIW, I do not want the new car now. I'd like to wait a year - I'd feel more ready budget-wise...probably why the whole $ thing is such a sore point). I have been giving up lots of things I'd like to do, and many of them are the $10 here, $20 there variety. To cut back and yet have DH spend $10 or $15 on something SO not worth that amount in my mind...I don't know what else to say, I know I'm not right, but it just makes me so angry.

 

[Justsyd2]

I think that I understand how you're feeling. It seems to you that *you* are doing all of the cutting back, and when you saw him spending $13.00 on candy, you lost it.

This is when you need to step back and evaluate. He really didn't do anything wrong by buying the kids candy, but you felt like all your work was for naught, right?

I suggest setting up a meeting, have the bills and expenses tallied up, and have a proposed budget and savings plan together, go over it with him, and please make sure that it includes Blow Money for all of you each week, and then see if he'll work with you on it. It won't always happen, but at least both of you will be trying.

And, I do feel that you should apologize for your behavior. Sorry.

 

[DISdreamin']

I think that I understand how you're feeling. It seems to you that *you* are doing all of the cutting back, and when you saw him spending $13.00 on candy, you lost it.

This is when you need to step back and evaluate. He really didn't do anything wrong by buying the kids candy, but you felt like all your work was for naught, right?

Yup. You nailed it, and once I got the "man am I just plain p***ed" out of my system, I recognized it too. It's just that at the time it's happening, I'm just mad.

I suggest setting up a meeting, have the bills and expenses tallied up, and have a proposed budget and savings plan together, go over it with him, and please make sure that it includes Blow Money for all of you each week, and then see if he'll work with you on it. It won't always happen, but at least both of you will be trying.

Yup, and I think we'll both have a better feel for where the other is coming from. We've talked about this, but it never comes to fruition. It needs to now more than ever. One of the issues is, honestly, that he has an incredibly expensive hobby that he sees as a necessity. We have to figure out where that expense goes (if it's blow money and we both get the same amount each week, man am I going to be rolling in money. )

And, I do feel that you should apologize for your behavior. Sorry.

Done and done. ~dusts hands~ (Courtesy of Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs)

DH and I have talked a bit (starting, of course, with my apology for what happened - or, more accurately, how I behaved - today) and we've agreed it is a mutual goal to sit down and work on a written budget together. I'm hoping it happens, as we've talked about it before but with DH being a morning person and me an night owl it's hard to find a time sans kids to do this when we are both awake and productive. It may be time to find a sitter and do a date night/budget session combo.

 

[kaytieeldr]

So after all that spending, when we were on our way out of the mall DH takes DS to the chocolate store to buy candy. He asked what to get for DD - I said a milk chocolate - as in ONE piece.

You know, Neil Armstrong always claimed he said, "One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind", but somehow the 'a' got lost somewhere. Just as we didn't hear it when he said it, apparently your husband didn't hear you when you said it.

Sadly, yes. I've tried setting up budget meetings, I've tried getting us to work on this together. It's always just me. He'll ask "can we afford this" about things, and I'm like "I don't know, can we?!"

Instead of answering his question with a question, either just a simple, "No", or "No, after all the month's bills are paid we only have $17 left - and it's only the 20th", or whatever the truth is, would be a better and more realistic response.

 

[annsteere]

When the going gets tough, or boring, my DH goes grocery shopping. Items we don't need, I don't want, or that could have been purchased cheaper used to make me feel like I was the only one pinching pennies and he was just indulging in whatever he wanted.

Now I think "A decent marriage counselor costs $75-$125 per hour. And, a really good marriage is priceless. Do you really want to nag him and make this evening unpleasant over 10 bucks???"

The thing is, he really IS trying. He is much less impulsive than he used to be. So, I take a deep breath, or sometimes a walk or bubble bath, and choose to let it slide. I'm not ready to fight over a choice he already made.

 

[disneysmiles]

Instead of a budget meeting, what about sitting down and discussing your goals for your money? Why should he want to forgo spending 13 bucks on chocolate candy? What are your goals as a family and how can he help you achieve them?

Are you saving for an amazing Disney vacation? Are you saving for a car?

The next time he can restrain himself from blowing the money go ahead and put it aside for whatever you and your family are saving for.

We've found in our marriage that if we have joint goals we are working towards it's easier to control our impulse buys.

Hang in there.