Budget Buster-- Visiting the ILs!

[ekatiel]

The op's in-laws do not live in Tulsa. They live in WI. So it looks as if they met each other part way on that one. The op has just returned from Disney World and has a Disneyland trip planned. Both without the in-laws. So it appears that the in-laws don't control the op's vacation time. The mother in law has offered to pay for the cabin and is researching airfare. It sounds as if she is trying to make this work for the op.

Plain and simple, the op does not want to go and will by her own admission find excuses not to make the trip. And caught in the middle of this battle of wills are the husband and kids. I find it very sad that adults can be so stubborn about being the one to control things. That includes both the op and her in-laws.

The op's in-laws rent the same cabin every year. We stay at the same place every summer. If they are like us, they already have a lease agreement signed. Who is trying to control who's vacation?

Yes, I'm serious.

The op's solution is to basically tell the in-laws that the family will come for a visit but only on the condition that the in-laws cancel their own plans and spend their vacation at home playing host to them. Or they can cancel their planned vacation and spend it at the op's home. The op knows that neither way is how the in-laws would like to spend their vacation. Which is fine with her because she doesn't want to spend the time with them anyway. Passive-agressive attempt to control the situation instead of compromising.

OK-- Let's get some things straight here. MIL did not offer to pay for the cabin. We thought that they would, but they have not. Second, yes we just got back from WDW. We do have a Disneyland trip planned (I'm pretty sure I didn't mention that on this thread, so I guess you're stalking my posts??). It is a conference for DH's work, so we only have to pay my flight (we're not taking the kids) and park tickets. The ILs are/were teachers. FIL is retired, MIL is still a teacher, but is supposed to retire this year. Regarless, they have the entire summer off. We are not asking to visit them or have them visit us the same week as the cabin. We are trying to work around their vacation schedule. DH does not get the entire summer off like the ILs. He will have 49 hours of PTO in June, if he doesn't get sick between now and then. It would take 40 hours of his PTO to go to the cabin in June. There are no other available dates for the cabin later in the Summer, when DH would have more PTO. I'm beginning to wonder if you are my MIL !

In the OP's first post, she stated that she and DH had offered to fly to the IL's home to see them, or fly them to her place. Op and her Dh feel that the cabin rental does not work for their family at this time. Despite this, MIL is still trying to push this/guilt them into this. So yes, there is a control issue here, but it's not the fault of the OP.

^^^^This!!! I've told DH that I will support whatever decision he makes about the cabin. We've talked about how I'm biased and don't want to go, so I'm trying to be hands off on this one and let him decide what he thinks is best for our family. --Katie

 

[Disneybuckeye]

But this isn't about a Disney trip. And you already said that it isn't about money in your original post. This is about people. The people who raised the man you love. The same people who, in spite of all their flaws and mistakes, want to spend some vacation time with their grandkids. It doesn't sound as if they are evil or harmful people. At least not from what you've told us. It sounds more like a struggle for control.

I suppose that I'm looking at it from the perspective of someone with elderly in-laws (they are both 85). My children have an amazing bond with them. I know how heart-wrenching it will be when we say our final goodbyes to them. So I would never stand in the way of them being able to spend time with the in-laws whenever possible. I find it sad that anyone would.

I think you are looking at this issue from your perspective and not the original posters. Not wanting to spend $3k for a vacation where she would be miserable would not be a very happy environment for family bonding. The DH needs to talk to his parents and say these are my parameters for vacation time. The parents need to work with the family to come up with a plan that works for everyone.

I agree with previous posters that they need to be told that due to PTO constraints this trip will not work. You can offer to send them plane tickets for a certain week that works for you.

 

[seashoreCM]

How does DH want to do it, adding the condition that he should spend the time and legwork to make the arrangements?

I suggest not buying and sending people plane tickets. You don't want a sudden reneging and then the tickets are not refundable.

I find it very sad that adults can be so stubborn about being the one to control things. That includes both the op and her in-laws.

Too many large group Disney vacations are spoiled because someone gave in to someone else's control. There is a time to be stubborn -- and go separate ways.

However in this case, while there might be a control issue, that is between the OP's DH and his parents and his paid time off, not the OP.

I am not convinced that this is not a money issue. Having to scrimp to make a trip is a reason, not an excuse, to call off the trip.

 

[hercamore]

01-13-2011, 04:40 AM * #14
HeatherC
DIS Veteran
*
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 2,876

Sounds to me like you are the one being a bit judgemental. News flash...doesn't matter if you got A pluses or can speak 12 languages. Doesn't make you better than any other person.
*

 

[Eternalkudr]

Did you already agree to this vacation? Now you want to change with the excuse that the plane tickets are higher than you thought. How much higher? The PTO situation shouldn't have changed. I think if you already agreed, you should go. Things haven't changed that much. Next time though don't agree if you don't want to go. Also, Wisconsin and Minnesota in the summer are delightful. I live in the South. We went a couple of summers ago, and I was surprised how much I enjoyed it. The days are warm but not hot. It's perfect for fishing, boating and swimming or even just sitting and reading a book. You might find you want to make it a tradition!

 

[kirstenb1]

OP I understand. You're spending over 2000.00 for a beach vacation not at the beach!! Add to that around here you bring your own linens, and of course, you get to go grocery shopping after a long flight and 4 hr drive, what's not to love????

It sounds like you would never choose this locale for a vacation in a million years. Look I know everyone's different but the thought of burning through dh's vacation, and unbudgeted $$$ would chafe me too.

If dh feels like you do, let him call and decline the trip.

 

[snowywhite89]

Why not fly into Chicago and have the ILs pick you up and then head to the cabins.

I am really confused by the PTO thing. You say he will have more PTO if you went in August and that that would mean would be better off.

If you go in June or August you will have the same amount of PTO at the end of August in either case.

 

[Vijoge]

FIL is retired, MIL is still a teacher, but is supposed to retire this year. Regarless, they have the entire summer off.

As a mother of three sons and a grandmother of eight grandchildren I was teetering on the fence until I read this. I know how much I love spending time with my grandchildren and I can only imagine how much more precious that time would be if we lived so far from them that there was extensive travel involved in order to visit.

That being said, retired people can vacation any time during the year and for as many days as their finances allow. Working people, and I am one of them, have a limited number of vacation days, and often rules about when they can or cannot go.

I'm casting a vote for NO GO.

 

[disneymagicgirl]

Just b/c your IL's enjoy an annual trip to a cabin, doesn't mean u have to make it a tradition for your family, just like they don't have to enjoy WDW every year. Agree on a place that interests everyone and plan an annual trip there together. Then take your own separate trips to the cabin/WDW by yourselves. Everyone is happy...

 

[tlbwriter]

Anyhow, DH had to take the whole week after Christmas off (in addition the the time he took off for our Disney Vacation before Christmas) for a four day trip up to Tulsa, since the ILs would only tell us they'd be there "the week after Christmas".

Okay, you guys need to change your attitude about this. He didn't HAVE to take that time off. He CHOSE to take that time off. His parents are, in my opinion, bullies. Either he sees them on THEIR terms (terms that they make as difficult as possible, as if they really couldn't plan their trip to Tulsa) or he doesn't get to see them at all. I think it's time to call their bluff and say "We can't make the Tulsa trip this Christmas" and "We can't visit you at the cabin this summer." If they really want to see him and/or their grandchildren, they'll make some effort.

And if not... well, I hate to be Debbie Downer here, but if they won't make even the slightest effort to see their grandkids now, what kind of grandparents are they? What kind will they be in the future? These are people who manage to fly to Tulsa to visit friends every year, but they won't go visit their grandchildren? Maybe you'll be saving your kids some disappointment in the future if you don't encourage them to expect anything now, if you know what I mean.

Now, it may be that they're uncomfortable or bored sitting at your house and don't want to visit you there. So you might consider offering an option that's a little more fun. Ask them to join you for your next Disney trip or something like that, so they get a vacation *and* family time.

As for them offering to pay for things... put the ball in their court. "Oh, thank you. We really appreciate it. Can you send me the confirmation number after you've made the reservation?" And when they insist that you pay for it and they'll "pay you back," say "That's not going to work for us." If you or your husband isn't comfortable being blunt, you could fudge... tell them you're only using debit cards, and you can't have that kind of hold on your account. Or that you're waiting for a check to come in. But really, it's best not to make up excuses.

 

[mnrose]

Did you already agree to this vacation? Now you want to change with the excuse that the plane tickets are higher than you thought. How much higher? The PTO situation shouldn't have changed. I think if you already agreed, you should go. Things haven't changed that much. Next time though don't agree if you don't want to go. Also, Wisconsin and Minnesota in the summer are delightful. I live in the South. We went a couple of summers ago, and I was surprised how much I enjoyed it. The days are warm but not hot. It's perfect for fishing, boating and swimming or even just sitting and reading a book. You might find you want to make it a tradition!

I agree that Minnesota is gorgeous in the summer. We live on a lake here, but we still go to a "cabin" for vacation once in the summer. Always one of the highlights of the summer for my kids. It's wonderful.

 

[seashoreCM]

I'll let you decide whether this is a reason or an excuse but I am too lazy to format it as a poll question (requiring a new thread).

"We are planning to cancel because the plane tickets turn out to be much more expensive than we expected."

* Puts the ball in their court.