Broke the news to my mother!

[Summer-Caitlin]

Please do not think I ONLY wanted people that agreed with me to post a response on this thread. If the people that think I am being selfish care to read my posts more closely you will see that it's not that I don't love my mother or want her to be there, but circumstances make it difficult. Also I have thanked people that disagree with me, I don't mind differing opinions but some have had the grace to provide it without becoming offensive and downright rude. I don't nor will I ever respect people for being insulting to others.

Special thanks go out to TinkBride and Maggimus who have been my own personal cheerleading squad on here . While I am sure that the people who have supported don't necessarily agree with everything I have said, they all offered advice, and I appreciate that. There is such a thing as tact, and there are some on this board that don't know the meaning of the word.

I can only hope that the unsupportive mothers on here keep their children inline, cause god help them if they ever want to travel their own path in life and not yours!

 

[feline figaro]

Gee Summer i don't know where to begin, i started reading this thread out of interest but by the end of it i was literally screaming at my computer screen.

I for one DO NOT think your plans to get married ALONE at wdw are selfish at all,people need to realise that getting family over all the way from the uk over to Wdw is very expensive so many brides from here choose to have just the TWO of them attend the ceremony & then hold a reception when they get home.

I for one will be having my wedding & honeymoon at Wdw, ok my mum may be attending but she ll be the only guest & shes not 100% sure she ll be able to afford it. My dad has a terrible fear of flying so will not be able to come, still he totally supports us getting married abroad & so he can still walk me down the aisle we will be holding a blessing when we return a compromise for my fiance who is an athiest.My dfs family will not be attending. No matter what my family would understand our choice & would be happy for us.

I can see many people have given you their opinions on whether you re right or wrong in your decision but at the end of the day its your life so you live it your way. Who is right to say your wrong in your decision? Follow your heart, your mum im sure will understand. Your wedding inc planning should be the happiest time of your life so dont be brought to tears by others, remember everyones situation is different. Your mum will love you no matter what, i know even if my mum cant make it to our wedding that she ll support us totally.

If having a wedding abroad is selfish then there are many of us on here from the uk who are therefore selfish so you are not a lone Summer. I think people have gone a little overboard in making you feel bad, its fine to voice an opinion but your basically being lectured.

Just remember at the end of the day its YOUR wedding, its your big day, follow what your heart tells you to & im sure both families will be totally supportive. Keep us posted on how everything goes .

Lots of sent your way

 

[Cinderella Fan]

Summer-Caitlin, I understand how you are feeling. DF and I started out with a private wedding. My mother does not have much money, while my in-laws do not have that problem. We didn't want to hurt any feelings. But, I am the only girl, and DF is the only child....

Now, we are having a larger wedding. Aunts and Uncles are invited, friends, and other family members. This has turned more stressful for me than I thought it would be. I have agreed to pay the room for my mother, however she has to pay for her airfare. This also includes my youngest brother (8).

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you to follow your heart. If you want your mother to be there, then you may have to take another look at your budget to see if helping her (even just a little bit) is a possibility. But, if you truly WANT it to just be DF and yourself, then you need to stick to your guns about this one. Explain to her the situation you are in. If nothing else, you can do a small church wedding at home with the parents, then have a vow renewal at Disney, or vice versa.

I will keep you in my thoughts.... Good luck, whatever you decide!

 

[feline figaro]

Its been a while since I have posted on this thread... BUT LEMME TELL YOU- Some of you should be real glad I dont live in your home town... and if you ever come to TN... I would love to go face to face with you mothers and give you a peace of my mind..

You have really ticked me off now. How dare you as mothers.. HOW DARE YOU make her feel bad.... you are talking to her as though she were your child... you are saying how you would feel toward your child... HOW DARE YOU be angry and upset with your children for living out their dreams. PEOPLE ARENT ALL THE SAME... you raise your kids so that they can make their OWN decisions... have their OWN lifestyles... and follow their OWN dreams. Her mother should be pleased as hell that her daughter can even afford to pay for this on her own... a lot of kids are living in poverty stricken households where they cant afford to feed themselves... AND YOU MOTHERS WANNA BE SELFISH AND CRY OVER A WEDDING? Be thankful she has someone who wants to treat her right, be thankful she can afford things she wants, be thankful she can breath each day and is healthy enough to make the trip. Her mother can be there in spirit and can be number one at the reception... but I swear those mothers out there who wish to bash her and make the rude selfless comments on this thread are really showing your true colors.

Some might respectfully disagree- and we know who you are... and we are okay with you saying you think it is selfish... but those of you who have bashed heartlessly and wanted to make her feel bad.... Well all I can say is I hope you count your blessings and hope that your kids dont end up resenting the way that you are.

On these boards you can somewhat pretend to be something you are not- to make yourself BETTER- but you people are making yourself look HORRIBLE. I would be ashamed to have a mother that would come out and talk like this...

This thread has made me more aware of what a great, nurturing, loving mother I have.... one that raised me to live for me.... and not base my life on someone else. Apparently I missed the handbook that said that we need to be happy but only if everyone else agrees.

If you can go to bed at night realizing that you have made an innocent person feel like utter crap then please, by all means, go to sleep.

People kill themselves over decisions like this.... I hope you unsupportive selfish mothers out there are happy...

And one more thing... I am VERY proud to be having my SELFISH DESTINATION WEDDING at WALT DISNEY WORLD.

I think this thread says it all perfectly.

 

[Mommy Poppins]

Parents make decisions for their families that they feel are right. Children are rarely consulted and sometimes don't understand why a parent chooses one path over another. Are you now punishing your mum for her past decisions or is this yet another excuse to exclude her?

And sometimes, we as children, who are now adults, must stick with decisions we have made that we feel are right for us. If a Disney Wedding complete with only you and your fiance is what you want, then stick to it and have the time of your lives.

Your mother sounds like a wonderful woman who will still love you when you cme home a married woman. She will love watching the video with you. Don't give into the guilt trip, you will regret it and it will always stand between the two of you. I'm sure your mother in the end will want what makes you happy.

And, just for the record, as you can all see from my signature, I am a mother as well. Yes, I would be upset to not be at one of my children's weddings. However, as a mother, my child's happiness is one of my biggest priorities so if this was what they really wanted, I hope I would not stand in their way.

 

[serendipity]

Okay I don't care if I am HATED. To all the mothers who think they have a right to have a say in any of the planning of a wedding you are completely and utterly selfish. This day has NOTHING to do with you.

 

[robinb]

This is my last post on the subject (I hope ).

In weddings there are extremes.

One extreme is when the parents force the bride and groom to do everything their way. The parents are paying for the wedding and they control the bride and groom through the purse strings. Sometimes the mother of the bride lives her own fantasy of the "perfect wedding" through her daughters. Many times there are social and family obligations that are fulfilled in these types of weddings. IMO, weddings that are all about the parents of the bride and groom are selfish on their part of the parents.

The other extreme is when the bride and groom do only what they want and don't take their family or friends into consideration. Many times the bride and groom pay for everything and have a sense of entitlement. It is their special day and they will do exactly what they want and everyone else be damned. IMO, weddings that are all about the bride and groom are selfish on the part of the bride and groom.

BOTH extremes are selfish. BOTH extremes put the bill payer in the driver seat and everyone else is left with the crumbs of the wedding cake. Luckily the vast majority of weddings is somewhere in the middle.

The OP is in the later camp. She is spending over $8,000 USD on her three week honeymoon. She is spending another $3,000+ USD on an Intimate Wedding. She wants to spend another $2,000 USD on a 3-day cruise in a deluxe outside cabin with a balcony. She is spending $13,000 USD on HERSELF and but "circumstances make it difficult" to invite and pay for her mother to be there for her little girl's wedding. The "circumstances" are that the OP is all about HERSELF, her DREAM FAIRYTALE WEDDING, her ROMANTIC HONEYMOON, and too much PIXIE DUST in the eyes that she can't see straight. She doesn't need hugs and support. She needs a kick in the pants.

If the OP wanted her mother there ... if she wanted to make it work ... nothing would have stopped her from moving heaven and earth to do so. Instead, she books her three week holiday that she probably can't cancel, makes tons of plans (wedding, photographer, videographer, flowers, etc, etc) and only then did she "Break the news" to her mum. Caitlin, you can't tell me that you want you mother there when all of your plans excluded her from DAY ONE.

I am sorry if I made the OP cry, but I feel the tears of her mum all the way across the pond as if they were my own. I would be heartbroken if my daughter excluded me from her wedding. My daughter's happiness is important to me, but I pray that she never grows up as selfish and self-centered where she believes that everything is about her.

FWIW, I was a 31 year old bride and my husband and I paid for our own wedding. It was a wonderful wedding with less than 75 friends and relatives. It was in the town where my husband and I lived.

I look at my wedding pictures and I see my grandparents who are no longer alive. I see the smiles of my friends and relatives and I see our happiness of sharing that day with the people I love. What will you see when you look at your photographs? An officiant that you have never met and will never see again? Cinderella's castle in the background? Maybe they'll Photoshop Tinkerbelle into your wedding picture with a sprinkling of pixie dust so it looks like someone was there with you. Someone that loves you.

It is not too late to make a change to your plans. Do it for your mum. Do it for your DFi's mum. DO IT FOR YOURSELF!

And with that, I will offer your {{hugs}} and happiness on your wedding and marriage. I will step back and let your own personal "cheering section" tell you how wrong I am. But please think about what I and others have said. It sounds like your mum loves you and will "forgive" you, but at what price? Is it really worth it?

Look deeply in your heart and you will know the answer.

 

[jojoandhb]

I know people are getting very upset, but this is Summer-Caitlin's issue. We don't have the whole story, and we shouldn't be judging her.

 

[doubletrouble_vb]

Summer-Caitlin...are you being selfish? Why yes you are!!! Being selfish isn't the same as being wrong.

The only fault I can see with what you've done so far is inviting the mothers to the Disney portion of the wedding to begin with. You knew how you wanted it to be. You don't want your own mother there because of all the issues you've raised that don't include money.

If it twere me I'd sit my mother down and explain to her that I've thought it over and that I want a private ceremony with just me and DH. The reception would be planned to serve some of the functions of the wedding ...not vows but some speech on the part of the bride and groom. People who elope have any number of reasons for doing so...and that's essentially what you are planning to do since you wont have family, friends or community there to recognize the marriage.

I also have to agree with an earlier poster who suggests that you embrace the true reasons/desires for your decision and leave the illusion that money is the problem aside. The problem is that you want a private wedding structured a certain way and you aren't showing the guts to stick to your guns about it.

Your mother may have hard feelings about this but she's going to have them anyway.

PS. The OTHER place I think you are going off course is one you haven't asked about. You and your DH seem to be working hard on getting the wedding of your dreams. But what about the marriage of your dreams? Using robinb's numbers 11K of that 13K would go a long way towards easing the first year of your marriage.

 

[AlmostMrsH]

Wow. I finally read this whole thread. I agree that the OP is selfish for not WANTING her mother at her wedding. That's my opinion - I can't imagine NOT having my mother at my wedding. It was never even a consideration. But maybe my family's just different that way...

I do want to ask, though - did you (Summer) even ask your mum to go with? Just for the ceremony? You keep saying things like you don't "think" she'd be interested, but maybe she would. And maybe that's where the problem can be "solved" - if she is interested, she'll have to find a way to make it happen. If she can't, then maybe she'll be okay with not going, and attending the reception at home. But to come in AFTER the trip is booked, and basically say "where getting married there, and you're not welcome" is very rude. Again, that's just my opinion.

I also wonder if you're so wrapped up in the Fairytales! Rainbows! Puppies! part of planning a wedding/honeymoon that you haven't really thought about how you are going to be treated and deal with things when you get home. Your mother won't stop loving you, but she could be angry or bitter for a while. Do you want that hanging over your relationships for months or years to come? How much is that romantic trip worth, compared to your peace of mind in the future?

To all the mothers who think they have a right to have a say in any of the planning of a wedding you are completely and utterly selfish. This day has NOTHING to do with you.

If the parents/gaurdians of a person have NOTHING to do with a wedding, than why have one? What's the point? You can get married (JoP) without having a wedding - the wedding is so you can celebrate your new marriage with your family, friends, diety of choice, etc.

And a parent wanting to participate in a rite of passage for their child is hardly selfish. Again, isn't the point of having kids is that you are able to raise them and guide them and watch them as they grow and achieve and live?

It makes me sad to think that I will raise a baby into a little girl, and then a young woman, and then one day my daughter could decide that she cannot even tolerate me being in the same country as her on her wedding day. Not that it's not possible - just that she doesn't ~want~ it to happen. That would break my heart.

 

[NJOYURLIFE]

Hello.

I didn't read through the whole thread so this may have been suggested.
I am wondering if you could possibly have the parents on some sort of speaker phone or even possibly a web cam to see the ceremony. I am not very technology savy, but I wonder how hard this would be with a laptop and web camera.

As a mom, I would be very sad to not be at my children's wedding. However, I have started my brainwashing of them early. I also would move heaven and earth to pay for me and my husband to be wherever my children decide to get married. The only thing that would keep me away would be health issues or being totally kept in the dark about the wedding date.

Everyone's got to do what they got to do. Which is fine, but the problem is that sometimes there is "collateral damage" from one's choices and a person should be willing to accept that damage. By deciding to not have your mom there, you are putting a strain on your relationship. However, by the same token, by not being happy for you and your DF being able to have the wedding of your dreams, your mom is putting a strain on the relationship also. It is a vicious circle with no right answer.

I think the key to eloping is to keep it a secret until you can no longer do so. You are now going to deal with all this grief because you chose to share your elopement plans with your mom.

I hope everything works out for the best for you and your family. Good Luck!

 

[antmaril]

Okay I don't care if I am HATED. To all the mothers who think they have a right to have a say in any of the planning of a wedding you are completely and utterly selfish. This day has NOTHING to do with you.

Ding, Ding - We have a winner! This is the most immature and thoughtless statement on this thread so far.

 

[Summer-Caitlin]

Ok again I have to make yet more explanations to defend myself.

My fiance's mum does not want to go, she has already stated that she will not as cannot afford to make the trip and isn't bothered to be honest about going, her words, not mine.

My mother has been told about the wedding a year out because I didn't want to spring it on her at the last minute nor did I want to come home and tell her we were married, SURPRISE!!!

My family dynamics are slightly different. I do not have a huge family here, the majority of my family are in Australia. My father died 2 years ago so it is only my mother, brother and grandparents. I have not set out to hurt anyone, my grandparents think it is the best idea we are eloping as they say it is our day, and we should have it our way. They are looking forward to the reception when we get home.

I shouldn't have to justify my decision based on finances, but I can't pay for everyone to attend or I wouldn't be able to afford the wedding. For your information I would like my mum to be there, but as I stated in a previous post it is not purely financial. I do not want my mum to have to be on her own while we are on our honeymoon, would you not deem that as selfish? I have asked my mother if she can come for a few days, to be honest I would love her to take a friend so she isn't alone. She has stated that it is not worth her while to come for a few days, nor for a week. I explained that as it is our honeymoon we obviously want to be alone, and that is not selfish because you only get one honeymoon. My mother had hers ALONE with her husband.

I suppose many of you think I am being selfish then for moving abroad when I graduate? When does it end?

jojoandhb. I am not selfish nor am I spoiled. If you knew me you would certainly know that those words do not even enter into my vocabularly and I do not entertain anyone who is. I do not come from a well off family and have had to work for everything I want, myself.

It seems I was wrong to post this thread as how can any of you offer opinions to me when you do not know me or my family? This is directed at the people who have became personal on this thread and see fit to slander a girl who would like a Disney Wedding.

I have responded to many people on these boards, but never have I been insensitive, rude or personally attacked the OP or anyone. I may not agree with what people suggest in threads, but I never have treated anyone with disrespect. This is where many of you fall down.

I may be young but I am not stupid, I know what I want and that doesn't make me spoiled/selfish/self centred. I have always put others ahead of me and continue to do so. This is the one and only time I have ever wanted to put my fiance and I first. We have been together for 8 years and he has supported me through rough times that I have had with my family and personally. It is not a matter of choosing who I love more as I love them all differently. But my fiance, my future husband is who I will create my own family with. He is not selfish but there comes a time when you grow up, move away and start your own family. Just because I'm not physically with my mother does not mean I love her any less.

This thread has certainly made me reconsider the situation, and obviously I will have to make my mind up. So I thank ALL for there opinions, but please be aware this isn't easy for me, all I asked for was opinions not attacks.

 

[bubbaloo311]

Summer-Caitlin,

Many of us on this board shared the dream of having a Fairytale Wedding at WDW. I can't believe my 3rd wedding anniversary is coming up this November.

Until DH proposed at Cinderella's Royal Table, I never imagined having a "Destination Wedding." That conjured up images of the beach, barefoot in Jamaica. That was definitely not the wedding of my dreams.

Once engaged in the most magical place on earth, it started to make sense that the next chapter of our fairy tale would begin in Disney World.

We were paying for the wedding ourselves and felt we had the right to make a decision.

That said, weddings are more than just about the bride and groom. We were concerned about what our immediate families though - we are from the big Italian family contingent.

My Mom and Step-Dad came on board right away. I showed my Mom the Disney video and she immediately understood that was what I wanted. She wanted me to have my dreams fulfilled.

Having my Mom support my decision was the most important. Michael's side was a bit more difficult - and gave us some grief - but ultimately, all of his siblings (one of 5 kids) were there to see him get married.

We did concede to pressure and have a big engagement party (invited 170+ people) in NY - this way everyone got invited and had the chance to celebrate with us.

His Mom wanted us to have something when we came back from FL - basically for her cronies who didn't make the effort to come - but Michael drew the line.

In the end we had the wedding of our dreams - a big gorgeous fairytale wedding for 85 of our closest family and friends.

(Had his Mom had her way it would have been in NY in church for over 200+ of her cronies).

Did we miss people who couldn't be there? Yes but it wouldn't have changed our decision.

That said - if my Mom hadn't been there to walk me down the aisle, I couldn't have done it. My fairytale would have been ruined. My husband is my family - my prince and the most important person in my life.

But my mother is my heart - and I know that both of us would be devastated not to share the most important day in my life.

I don't think you are being selfish for wanting to get married in Disney.

I don't think you are being selfish for wanting a magical honeymoon.

I do think you are being a bit unreasonable and unflexible in your plans - that do not want to budge to allow your Mom to be there.

You mentioned you arrive in Disney on the 16th and the wedding is on the 17th - to maintain your "anniversary."

IMHO - I think this is a bit juvenile.

Why not arrive a few days early to allow your Mom 4-5 days to be in FL pre-honeymoon? This way she doesn't make the trip for 2 days - and you don't feel so bad about her coming for such a short time.

I know you want your long honeymoon - but Summer-Caitlin - you are looking to be married for the rest of your life. Sacrificing a few days of vacation for a better beginning to your married life is just a small price to pay for such benefits.

Your Mom was in your life long before your fiance - and you should try and remember that a little.

I think if you had to have a new anniversary date - or a few day shorter "just the two of us honeymoon" would be a reasonable solution to give your Mom the opportunity to be there to share your joy as you marry your prince.

Marriage is all about compromise - and I think you and your fiance might consider compromising just a little bit to really set your marriage off on better footing - without ignoring the rest of the loved ones in your life.

I am not yet a mother - and I don't think you need to forego your dreams just to make your Mom happy - but in the grand scheme of a life - will 2 or 3 days shorter a honeymoon or a different anniversary date really make a huge difference for your "dream wedding." Doesn't having a heartbroken mother marr your dreams more?

This is just my humble opinion.

I hope you can work everything out.

Good luck.

 

[Summer-Caitlin]

bubbaloo311

While your post makes sense. It isn't that easy to change the date. Admittedly I should have thought about all this before I booked everything. My photographer, Officiant, Wedding, and holiday accommodations etc have all been booked. Flights are not easy to change when we are doing chartered flights. I would have to leave 1 week earlier and I can't as I don't finish the semester until the 12th of August and I've already had to get the University to reschedule my Clinical placement.

Many people seem to forget that my mum wants the Church Wedding, I do not. She does not want me to get married in Disney, so where will she compromise? I'm stuck, I either give up my dream Wedding and get married here or beg her to LET me get married in Disney or elope. Which is why I opted on the latter.

My mum has already said that she would struggle to get time off work as it is during the summer period when there are so many people vying for time off. If this isn't intended to make me feel guilty for having a destination wedding then I don't know why she would say this.

I love my mother and I now am wondering whether I should look into having a blessing upon my return so she can attend this.

 

[jojoandhb]

Summer-Caitlin,
People have been hard on you because you seem not to be selfish but to be deliberately leaving your mom out and making excuses to justify it. I can see here that there is a bigger issue. I really think you should sit down with your mother. I was raised, primarily, by my very Catholic grandparents. I never agreed with Catholocism, and neither did my sister. Unfortunately, she decided to become a Wiccan and be very vocal about it. My grandparents were furious. They called her everything from a devil-worshiper (there is not devil in her religion, by the way) to a non-believer and told her she was going to hell. Religion is a very touchy subject, and sometimes their faith is all people have. They feel offended when others, especially their own children, do not buy into their religion or dismiss it. I really think you should talk to your mom. I think she is just worried about you. I have met people who think if you do not get married in a church, it's not a real marriage or it's not sanctioned by God. I think your mom has good intentions. I also think if you leave her out without trying to work out something, you'll regret it later and you can never take it back.

 

[ely3857]

Caitlin, Stick to what you want.

I am getting married on 05th October in Orlando. Not a Disney Wedding as even though no church etc it would still be more formal & expensive than either Gavin or I want.

We are getting married at Osceala Court house halfway through our holiday and we will be alone.

I am an only child and my Mother has certainly made her feelings very clear but selfish or otherwise I have stuck to mine & Gavins decision for our wedding day.

Gavin's parents havnt really said much, I think they are more confused by my lack of desire to have a big wedding than any adverse reaction to what we are doing.

I suspect your trauma with your decision is because deep down you wish there were some way your Mum could be there, this is not the case for me so I was never able to be swayed, or made to feel guilty.



Jodie

 

[Summer-Caitlin]

I am not deliberately leaving my mum out at all. I would love to let her in on the plans, but she has made it clear that she always envisioned me having a Church Wedding. While I am sure she will come around and support my decision to have the Wedding our way, it doesn't help that my brother who recently got married had a Church wedding, like she had always dreamed.

As I said I love my mother but this is the Wedding I always envisioned for myself. I don't ask for anything and would never dream of expecting my mum to shell out for the wedding, if you want to go down the traditional route. True, I cannot begin to understand how I would feel as a mother not going to my childs wedding, but sometimes you can't be there for everything. When I have a child, will I be expected to fly my mum out to be there for the birth? No, of course not, and I would like to think that she will support my decision to move abroad and not deem me selfish for wanting to live my dream.

I know a Wedding isn't JUST about the two people getting married, but I still believe in the fact that it is their day. Times have changed and Weddings are no longer being done traditionally by any stretch.

 

[georgiajaimie]

I think you answered your own question with this ....
its your fairytale, dont let others change your mind....at sometime or another during wedding planning everyone is called selfish....I dont know why but with weddings families thinks they have a right to say how things should be...
and while i totally understand the whole joining of families its still your day
make it how you dream.....

I totally agree. My mum will not be at our wedding but this is her choice. We decided on a WDW wedding because it was what we wanted. We do have family members coming but even if it had just been us and our daughters we would have still chosen this way.

 

[Fantasia Sam]

OK I do see that the OP of this thread, Summer-Caitlyn, asked for advise and so by her asking she has opened herself up for replies from others out there who do not agree with her, constructive criticism is always welcome as is other member's own personal opinions. In the main this thread has kept to the posting guidelines of the DIS.

Summer-Caitlyn was indeed asking those here on the Weddings and Honeymoons board for their advice as some of those who have actually had a Disney wedding may understand her reasoning.

However I would ask that all members remember to refrain from making personal attacks on others in their repsonses on this thread. This is a sensitive subject in itself and I am confident that there are others out there who have had to make difficult decisions not disimlar to this when making the decision to have a Desitination Wedding at WDW.

As a moderator of this board I would like to see this thread remain open so that we can see a healthy debate and more suggestions/solutions made. I therefore ask that you ALL help to make this happen, otherwise this thread will be locked.