Bridesmaid Vent (cause I know y'all will understand)

[theantibride]

Let me give y'all some background here. I have 3 bridesmaids. My Matron of Honor, my best friend, who is awesome. She's like "if you want my in a Little Bo Peep Costume parachuting into the ceremony I'll do it!" that's how on board she is. Yea! Love her! She lives in another state, but is fairly easy to get too. Then I have a bridesmaid who was my best friend in high school. We lost touch for about 8 years and over the past year have gotten our friendship back on track and are quite tight again. She's local and totally on board too although she teaches kindergarten and witht he end of the year she's kind of scattered right now but it's not a big deal. I told her we'll get everything all together once her life settles down cause I know she'll be on top of everything. She's so excited about all this. She wouldn't parachute in but she'd wear the Bo Peep costume. Then there is Bridesmaid #3. First of all, she and her husband are trying to start a family. For over a year now she's been trying to get pregnant with no luck and it's really frustrating her. Which I totally get and I'm fully supportive of. Ok? I waited until she was sure she wasn't pregnant by a certain time so she could be sure she'd be able to travel for the wedding for her to accept. And I have been tryingt o help her find a dress she can wear in case a baby bump develops. Here's the thing: she's several states away so all of this is being done online. Because none of us are sweet young things anymore I want the girls to wear dresses they're comfortable with as long as it has some sort of strap or sleeve and is tea-length and is blue. Conformity be darned -- at no other event in life is it acceptable to wear the same outfit as someone else so I threw that "rule" out the window first thing. She doesn't like bright colors so I said dark blue is fine. I wanted to meet up with her when I'm in her neck of the woods for my cousins wedding but she says she can't cause her nieces will be visiting (which again, I understand. Granted the kids will be there for 6 weeks so I think they could do without her for 1 day but I dont know. So I decided not to nitpick there). We picked out a bunch of stuff online and then she went to a local store to try them on. She finally got pictures to me. Of all the styles we agreed on she tried on 3. And not only that but she informs me she hates all of them and doesn't want to wear tea length. She thinks they make her look fat. I am trying so hard to bite my tongue and go "Well, you're the one who said it had to be flowy in case you do get pregnant and have a little baby bump!!!" Also all the styles are slightly ill-fitting on the top. With a good bra and some tailoring they'd probably be fine but I can't tell for sure. I am just so frustrated right now and knew y'all would understand. Fiance is like "Bump her!" I can't do that, and I think she's just ornary because this whole baby thing has her so stressed but at the same time I am so frustrated. I'm trying to plan a wedding in a different state than I am. I have bridesmaids in 3 states. This is not exactlye asy on my end either, you know? And the thing is most of my friends (with the exception of my 2 awesome 'maids) are treating my wedding like it's no big deal (although they had attitudes like their feet should be kissed when they were brides) because myf iance and I have been together for almost 9 years and I'm the last one to get married so instead of excitement I'm getting "It's about time." I don't get a shower or anything cause everyone is scattered about the country and I'm okay with that, but I just wish I could get a little support from my "friends." At times I swear you guys are more supportive and interested than they are and the truth is that for the most part we really are strangers to each other. I guess I'm just having a Woe-Is-Me day. Thanks for "listening" though.

 

[DecemberBride]

I haven't experienced that bridesmaid issue... and I only have one, so I hope I don't have too, but I do understand friends that are being less than supportive. Mine are the same way. Df and I have been together 7 years and we have three kids together, so no one but us and most our family thinks this is special. His own Mom doesn't really care and isn't helping with the Welcome (rehearsal dinner) party, even though tradition says she should and she has the dough. I totally get it and i think it took me awhile, bu I said to hell with it and happily kept planning and havinf a blast. This is for me and DF and we know everyone will have a good time when they get there, so just keep planning and have a good time! I'm not getting a shower either and that's okay, but it still stings a little...

 

[theantibride]

I'm sorry your future MIL is not on board. That's gotta be hard! I'm beginning to think when picking bridesmaids I should have quit when I was ahead! I'm sorry you're experiencing the same attitude from your friends. It does sting. Thanks for the support. This is why I came here. Fiance is great but he's a man. Sometimes you just need some female back-up!

 

[DecemberBride]

I'm sorry your future MIL is not on board. That's gotta be hard! I'm beginning to think when picking bridesmaids I should have quit when I was ahead! I'm sorry you're experiencing the same attitude from your friends. It does sting. Thanks for the support. This is why I came here. Fiance is great but he's a man. Sometimes you just need some female back-up!

My DF is like who cares! We'll have fun anyway and on the outside and most of the time on the inside I am too, but sometimes... I feel a bit sad that I don't get the same attention just because we're doing things differently (re; kids)... anyway... we're here whenever you need to vent!

 

[theantibride]

It isn't fair that if you haven't done things the way folks think yous hould have you get the short end of the stick. My fiance and I met in college. Everyone thought we should have gotten married right after we graduated. We didn't. We weren't ready. We felt we were too young and just not in the right place. And we weren't! And because we waited until we knew the time was right and not when people thought we should it's llike "Eh." My MOH and her hubby had their son first and then got married down the road. Nowadays you have to do what is right for you. And with kids I'm sure your priority was them not a wedding! So of course it would make sense you waited. I wouldn't want to handle say an infant or toddler and try to plan a wedding at the same time. I couldn't do it. I don't know how some people do it. But you're right, we will have a blast. And if she's all sour puss int he photos we'll just photoshop her out! ;-)

 

[DecemberBride]

But you're right, we will have a blast. And if she's all sour puss int he photos we'll just photoshop her out! ;-)

Sounds like a plan! Me too. Sourpusses are getting photoshopped out!

 

[Gillian]

It must be so hard having your bridesmaids scattered like that!

But...tea length is unflattering.

I hope you get it all worked out!

 

[IndyBride]

First- I like tea length, full length is too much! Second, I'm sorry your BM situation isn't what you've always imagined. It must be very hard not to have your best friends around you during everyday life let alone when you're planning your wedding! Perhaps you should just give up on dress shopping with your BM until there is no possibility of a bump during your wedding. You would still have like 4-5 months to find one. Then she can just find a dress that looks nice and not one hoping will look good "if" she gets pregnant. Because you're probably right and it is the stress over her baby blues!

 

[chell]

Is there a way you can bring up the subject to her that you think she might be under too much stress and that you wouldn't be at all upset or hurt if she had to back out of your Wedding?

 

[figmentcookie]

I'm sorry to hear your having BM issues too.

 

[theantibride]

The problem is that we are less than 5 months out now. I told her I'd be willing to wait untill the 3 month mark for her to get a dress if she wants cause we can get her a dress from this particular place in 8 weeks. I know she wants to be in the wedding. I think the stress from the baby wanting is just coming out at me. We have a mutual friend (not in the wedding) who has 2 little girls and sends weekly updates to everyone and I'm sure everytime she opens up her e-mail full of pictures of these little girls it's just a slap in the face and painful reminder of what she doesn't have yet. As for the tea length everyone originally agreed to it because it is actually very flattering as long as its cut right, and it's actually wearable again unlike a full length dress. I think she just feels ugly on the inside and is now seeing it on the outside too. Cause I had my mum and my fiance all look at the pics as well. Okay, some of the dresses were HORRIBLE but they also look like something high schoolers would wear for prom or homecoming and we're not that young anymore. The more classic designs did look good on her. It's just frustrating because there's stuff you can say and do in person you can't say and do over the phone so I can't help her. I'm trying to be supportive of all her struggles but at the same time I just wish it was a 2-way street and I could get a little in return. You know? I'm sure that probably sounds selfish but she's already married. I could use a little support like "Don't worry so much about table linens -- nobody is going to stand there and examine them" or "Get favors that don't end up int he trash or someone's junk drawer" or just some bits of wisdom, you know?

 

[Ember]

Sorry to hear about your troubles! Here's some stuff that might help her (I'm about a size 12, so not sure if all of it will apply, but I have done the bridesmaid thing a few times...)

- Tell her to look for something that emphasizes the narrowest part of her, right under her bust. Because she might be preggers, an empire waist might be okay, but it's generally not the best look for tea length. Try something more like this:

This style works with curves and is great for hiding a bit of a tummy as the waist is high.

She might also consider something with rouching, which is almost always flattering, like this:

(Why is that small??)

Also, don't rule out having it made. Buying a pattern she like and material means all she has to do if find the silhouette that works. Having it made also has the advantage of usually being cheaper.

I think you're bring a wonderful friend. Just assure her she has options and that there are a lot of dresses out there (plus, blue is NOT a hard color to find!) At the same time, make sure you know that she will be there to support you when the time comes. Because if you have any doubts in that area you need to talk to her.

Oh! And here's a bit of wisdom: Your wedding will be wonderful. You are obviously a kind person, and on your big day your joy will shine and everyone will be there supporting you. Promise yourself that nothing, but nothing, will cause you to miss a moment of happiness on your wedding day and the day will be yours.

 

[Mama of Indybride]

Sorry to hear about your troubles! Here's some stuff that might help her (I'm about a size 12, so not sure if all of it will apply, but I have done the bridesmaid thing a few times...)

- Tell her to look for something that emphasizes the narrowest part of her, right under her bust. Because she might be preggers, an empire waist might be okay, but it's generally not the best look for tea length. Try something more like this:

This style works with curves and is great for hiding a bit of a tummy as the waist is high.

She might also consider something with rouching, which is almost always flattering, like this:

(Why is that small??)

Also, don't rule out having it made. Buying a pattern she like and material means all she has to do if find the silhouette that works. Having it made also has the advantage of usually being cheaper.

I think you're bring a wonderful friend. Just assure her she has options and that there are a lot of dresses out there (plus, blue is NOT a hard color to find!) At the same time, make sure you know that she will be there to support you when the time comes. Because if you have any doubts in that area you need to talk to her.

Oh! And here's a bit of wisdom: Your wedding will be wonderful. You are obviously a kind person, and on your big day your joy will shine and everyone will be there supporting you. Promise yourself that nothing, but nothing, will cause you to miss a moment of happiness on your wedding day and the day will be yours.

That black one is super cute! Good eye!

 

[sfacowgirl87]

Oh girlfriend! Let me tell you! You are WAY nicer than me!

Your wedding is YOUR day. I totally understand that you don't want to put your bridesmaids in anything that you wouldn't wear, but never-the-less...it's your wedding. They all had their day, or will have their day in the future and can put their girls in whatever they would like. I also have 1 bridesmaid (out of 4) that lives out of state so she wasn't able to be there for all the picking out and trying on a such...but she understood this and knew she would have to live with the outcome (LOL) luckily everything seems to be working out alright ont he dress end...but on some other fronts she's being way less than helpful...I just want you to know that your NOT the only one with BM issues and we WILL get through all of this!!!!

I only have 2 and a half weeks to goooo!!!!!!

 

[Lynn5700]

Aww sorry your going through all of the stress!!! I don't really have much advide because I didn't have to deal with BMs..I just had my best friend be my MOH which was no stress at all so I feel bad for you.

I think everything will work out and be OK...don't let this get to you,I know it's hard but just try and enjoy the planning and enjoy being a bride on your wedding day..it flies by trust me and in the end none of the pre wedding crap will matter. TRUST ME!!!!

 

[megveg]

Ill be your bridesmaid! Ill throw you a shower and I usually ONLY wear tea length dresses!

It's YOUR wedding day! I would never in my life say "'it's about time" you deserve a shower and a big huge tadah if thats what you want! If I were you I'd bump this BM and enjoy your wedding, she shouldn't bring down Your big day just because she's having a hard time (I sound so mean but everyone should ENJOY their wedding!)

I hope everything works out for you!

 

[theantibride]

Thank you everyone for your support. I recommended she try a few more places before throwing int he towel and that she try to do separates cause then she could get a better fit. And lo and behold I got an e-mail today -- she found something she likes! And I like it too! Now she just needs to get color swatches so she can find the right darker blue since it's a pastel at the store and she doesn't do pastels. But yea! She's always been my go-to girl in the past so I thought this behavior was rather weird. I think she was just stressed and frustrated because the styles were more for the teeny-bopper set of 16 then the 30-year-old set. But ti looks like it may all work out now so yea! Thank you all for your kind words and support. It really helped boost my morale and was a tremendous comfort knowing that there were people who understood and were willing to help.

 

[IndyBride]

I'm glad it's starting work itself out.