Bridal shower budget etiquette...help!

[MaryKLady]

I am a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding. I just got an email from the maid of honor who suggested we all chip in $300 for the shower and a gift. I don't think that amount will cover both the party AND a gift. (Maid of honor is not from here and I don't think she realizes how much more things are in Jersey.)I'm not sure the other girls will say anything so being the "older" and much wiser of the bunch I feel the need to point out the obvious like there is A LOT more to pay for than just the shower so lets not blow it all there...rambling...so here's my question...

Isn't the party the bridesmaids' gift?

AND...

If so, how do I mention that tactfully in an email ?

 

[MSSANDRA]

Every shower I have ever helped give the host did the shower AND a gift.

Perhaps you could offer to round up some prices for her since you live in the area. Maybe the cost of food, or to rent a hall or whatever.

Maybe ask her how she came up with her numbers and what all was she hoping that would include.

 

[tinkabella627]

The showers I have been to (including my own) the bridal party chipped in for the shower and everyone got their own gift. I am in a wedding this summer and we are all giving about $100 for the shower and buying our own gifts. $300 is a lot (i know i know different areas) so if that just covers the shower then let everyone get their own gift so they can get what is in their budget.

 

[Bellastumbles]

Northern NJ here! I know for my sisters bridal shower we spent $500 just on food for about 100 guests. I would think that $300 is on the low end of an estimate. We also gave a gift as a group as well....we gave them their Dyson Vacuum so that was another $100 each!

 

[aprilgail2]

How many bridesmaids are there in the weding party? If there are 10 of you then that would make 3,000 and should be enough to cover a shower...
For the weddings I have been in we all usually split the shower and also split a nice gift too-the shower wasn't the gift!

 

[mom2travel]

It's been a while since I was a bridesmaid, but any shower I've participated in or attended, the bridesmaids hosted the shower and gave the bride a separate gift (either a group gift or individual)

Maybe you and moh have different ideas of where the shower will be held and/or how "fancy" it will be

 

[TreslovesWDW]

I was in 4 weddings plus my own and bridesmaids gave the shower and brought a group give and some even one from themselves. Maybe the mothers and mother in laws helped a little too. I do not think 300 is to much, but it also depends on how many bridesmaids there are and how many people will be invited to the shower, also if it will be a house party or at a hall.

 

[onyx8]

No, the shower is not your gift. BM's usually purchase separate gifts (not a BP group gift), at least in my area.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

For my cousin's wedding last year I was a bridesmaid along with 5 other girls (including the MOH). The bride's Mom graciously let us use her house to host the party. We got there early and moved furniture around and spent a lot of time decorating. We set up a buffet of appetizers as it was a 1 p.m. bridal shower. We did buy the cake from a nice bakery but that was the most expensive part (and not as expensive as I thought it was going to be). The MOH collected everyone's receipts, added them up and divided them by 6, then if you had already paid too much she gave money back or told you what you owed. It worked out perfectly and I only ended up spending $75 (party was only for close family/friends, about 40 people not everyone that's ever said "Hi" to the bride or that was invited to the wedding). It did take a lot of work though.

No one ever talked about a group gift, we all just bought her what we wanted to buy her. I liked this especially because I didn't even know 4 of the other girls.

 

[Illuminations_Rocks]

Psh I'd just be happy to have some help on a shower! My mom paid for my entire shower since my 3 bridesmaids were all still in college.

I am hosting a shower in a couple of weeks, along with one other bridesmaid (neither of us are the MOH), for our friend who has a BP of 7... and no one else is giving us $. And we will have to chip in for the bachelorette limo and the rest there. The bride's mom is bringing a couple of dishes - we're just having it at my house since it is a small group - but it is still a few hundred each that myself and the other bridesmaid will be spending, on favors, decorations, invites, all the rest of the food, alcohol... And I'm sure we'll take the leftover alcohol up for the bachelorette and the rehearsal.
BUT I wanted my friend to have a shower, so I will spend it. If I didn't want to spend it, I wouldn't be having the shower. I was lucky to have my other friend help out.

And no, the shower is not the gift, etiquette wise. In the shower I am throwing, we aren't doing a big group gift, but that's only because the bride doesn't have anything we could really DO as a group gift outside of $, and since it's just a small group, we figured our mileage would go farther each getting our own. My bridesmaids got me my cookware and then made a cute basket for the honeymoon.

ETA: I agree with the PP that said you could offer to get some quotes on some things, or ask what that was including, if she had already done some legwork? I agree that it isn't a ton of money if you are going to get a restaurant (which is what I am assuming for a NJ shower), depending on how many are in the BP.
Also it didn't sound like she was including anything but the shower and gift in that money... so maybe you should suggest that another amount be sent out for the bachelorette, etc?

 

[Bren's Mom]

What is the budget for the shower? If all of the bridesmaids and the maid of honor are throwing the shower, you all get a say in the budget, location, food, etc. So there should be a meeting (even if it's by phone). Decide on how much everyone is WILLING to chip in, the find a location, food, decorations, to fit within the total budget. Not everyone needs to even put in the same amount. If one can afford much more and wants to spend it on the shower, that's fine. If someone insists on a more expensive menu and wants to foot the extra bill, that's fine. But the way to throw a shower is not to pick some random amount per person and TELL the bridesmaids what they're paying.

And I've always given a gift even if I was the hostess. It can be a smaller gift, it can definitely be within whatever budget you set. It can be a group gift if everyone (or even just some of the bridesmaids) want to go in on it. Or a group gift from, say, you and your mom or sister (if they're being invited to the wedding too).

 

[MaryKLady]

Thanks for the help. I haven't been a bridesmaid in a REALLY long time and I can't remember what we did

This is why I LOVE the DIS, lots of thoughts and ideas And in advance, thanks for listening to my ramblings...

I will gladly write a check for $300 and let her do it all if she wants but the problem is the MOH doesn't live in NJ and has NO idea how much having a party at a venue here will cost. There is only 5 of us so that's $1500 for a 60 person luncheon and a gift. If you figure $200 for a gift, that leaves $21/pp for the venue, invitations, postage, decorations and favors. I just think it will cost more than that I don't know any of the other bridesmaids so I'm not sure how to point that out tactfully, especially in an email. The shower isn't the only thing we have to pay for so I'd prefer not to spend a ton on just that. AND I want to avoid getting a "well, it cost more so you owe me another $300"

If we have it at someone's home we can cook, but can we ask the Moms and Aunts to bring a dish?...I'm sure they'll be more than happy to help out...I know them I hate catered food, it all tastes the same...homemade is sooo much better anyway And it will be easier to stick to the gluten free restrictions of the bride.

Oh, another point...her wedding I know will be wonderful but my friend is on a tight budget and the wedding itself will be "Sunday brunch-ish". I want her wedding to stand out in her guests minds, not the shower.

 

[Bren's Mom]

I will gladly write a check for $300 and let her do it all if she wants but the problem is the MOH doesn't live in NJ and has NO idea how much having a party at a venue here will cost. There is only 5 of us so that's $1500 for a 60 person luncheon and a gift. If you figure $200 for a gift, that leaves $21/pp for the venue, invitations, postage, decorations and favors. I just think it will cost more than that I don't know any of the other bridesmaids so I'm not sure how to point that out tactfully, especially in an email. The shower isn't the only thing we have to pay for so I'd prefer not to spend a ton on just that. AND I want to avoid getting a "well, it cost more so you owe me another $300"

If we have it at someone's home we can cook, but can we ask the Moms and Aunts to bring a dish?...I'm sure they'll be more than happy to help out...I know them I hate catered food, it all tastes the same...homemade is sooo much better anyway And it will be easier to stick to the gluten free restrictions of the bride.

Oh, another point...her wedding I know will be wonderful but my friend is on a tight budget and the wedding itself will be "Sunday brunch-ish". I want her wedding to stand out in her guests minds, not the shower.

Who decided on a luncheon? Was there discussion already about what everyone wanted? Especially if there's been no discussion, I'd send an e-mail to everyone saying,

Hello all,

I've been thinking about the shower, locations to have it, and accomodating Bride's gluten free diet. Since a shower at some of the 'usual' locations around here would cost upwards of $XX per person plus the cost of decorations, cake, invites, postage, etc, and because of the food issue, I'd like to suggest that we have it at X's home (she'd be honored to host the event she said) and serve X (some various suggestions here). Bride's mom and aunts have offered to help with food, and I think it would be lovely to have yummy homemade things rather than all catered food. I can make X and X. I've broken it down and it would be about $10 (or whatever) per person for things like decorations, cake, invites. This would make for a really nice shower for Bride.

What do you all think?

Bridesmaid"

Since the wedding will be 'brunchish' I'd suggest perhaps something 'fun' in the early evening, so it's not competing with the wedding. A luau perhaps, with great frozen drinks (I think those would be fine for gluten free?) lots of fruit, pineapple fruit dip, hawaiian chicken skewers, etc.

 

[Illuminations_Rocks]

Thanks for the help. I haven't been a bridesmaid in a REALLY long time and I can't remember what we did

This is why I LOVE the DIS, lots of thoughts and ideas And in advance, thanks for listening to my ramblings...

I will gladly write a check for $300 and let her do it all if she wants but the problem is the MOH doesn't live in NJ and has NO idea how much having a party at a venue here will cost. There is only 5 of us so that's $1500 for a 60 person luncheon and a gift. If you figure $200 for a gift, that leaves $21/pp for the venue, invitations, postage, decorations and favors. I just think it will cost more than that I don't know any of the other bridesmaids so I'm not sure how to point that out tactfully, especially in an email. The shower isn't the only thing we have to pay for so I'd prefer not to spend a ton on just that. AND I want to avoid getting a "well, it cost more so you owe me another $300"

If we have it at someone's home we can cook, but can we ask the Moms and Aunts to bring a dish?...I'm sure they'll be more than happy to help out...I know them I hate catered food, it all tastes the same...homemade is sooo much better anyway And it will be easier to stick to the gluten free restrictions of the bride.

Oh, another point...her wedding I know will be wonderful but my friend is on a tight budget and the wedding itself will be "Sunday brunch-ish". I want her wedding to stand out in her guests minds, not the shower.

I definitely agree with you that the estimate seems low to have it at a venue for a 60 person shower! Plus I imagine the gift would probably be more than $200, so it seems even lower than that to me! Unless she's hoping only like 30 people come!

I think that the dietary restrictions of the bride would be a great reason alone to not have it at a catered place. I also think it would be fine to ask the mother and aunts to bring a dish - especially if you think they would have offered!

I think the last poster had a great email worded out for you!

 

[DSNY4ever]

Holy Moly...$300 is a lot to me and I live in CA! These must be pretty posh showers. We usually set up tables and chairs in a backyard, decorate with flowers and have nice little sandwiches, salads, lemonade, mimosas etc. and of course a cake.

Good luck!

 

[cel_disney]

I cant imagine a NJ/NY/CT/MA shower that was catered and not at someones house to be less than 2000$ for 60 peeps....

I like the wording suggested by the previous poster - but of course - you have to do some leg work before sending it!

 

[hercamore]

Wow, if the showers are that elaborate, what thje weddings like!

Here in MN, showers are fairly simple and small. Sandwiches, punch cake at someones house, maybe 20 guests would be a lot.


herc.

 

[deerhart]

60 guests for a bridal shower? are you doing all sides together at one event?

We usually do one for each side and maybe a third for friends especially if the bride and groom don't live near the families. I had one in my hometown (my mom threw it) one in my dh's home town (one of his aunts hosted).

With the wedding being a brunch type thing, perhaps an afternoon tea would be a better (and more budget friendly) solution then a luncheon!

 

[tinkabella627]

Thanks for the help. I haven't been a bridesmaid in a REALLY long time and I can't remember what we did

This is why I LOVE the DIS, lots of thoughts and ideas And in advance, thanks for listening to my ramblings...

I will gladly write a check for $300 and let her do it all if she wants but the problem is the MOH doesn't live in NJ and has NO idea how much having a party at a venue here will cost. There is only 5 of us so that's $1500 for a 60 person luncheon and a gift. If you figure $200 for a gift, that leaves $21/pp for the venue, invitations, postage, decorations and favors. I just think it will cost more than that I don't know any of the other bridesmaids so I'm not sure how to point that out tactfully, especially in an email. The shower isn't the only thing we have to pay for so I'd prefer not to spend a ton on just that. AND I want to avoid getting a "well, it cost more so you owe me another $300"

If we have it at someone's home we can cook, but can we ask the Moms and Aunts to bring a dish?...I'm sure they'll be more than happy to help out...I know them I hate catered food, it all tastes the same...homemade is sooo much better anyway And it will be easier to stick to the gluten free restrictions of the bride.

Oh, another point...her wedding I know will be wonderful but my friend is on a tight budget and the wedding itself will be "Sunday brunch-ish". I want her wedding to stand out in her guests minds, not the shower.

Maybe you could also ask if everyone chips in $300 for the shower if everyone would be willing to take on another expense... maybe one person can buy the invites, another can do postage and a cake, another decorations?

I am a co-MOH and the other MOH is planning the shower (bc I live out of state now) and is asking everyone to send her what they can and then everyone is making prize baskets 2-3 each, 1 girl is doing invites, I am doing the cake, her and I are getting balloons...

Just an idea just incase the $300 isn't enough. Or maybe the MOH has something in mind and priced it out already and feels $300 from each BM is enough.

 

[Kellydelly]

I would have it at someone's home to cut costs. I would NOT ask the relatives to bring a dish like it's a potluck. I think the people throwing the shower should be responsible for the food, not the guests. It doesn't have to be fancy, or expensive and 5 ladies can certainly handle it.