Boy...boy for sale...going cheap

[minkydog]

I am burnt up beyond compare. DS20 had agreed to pick Christian up from school at 12:30pm and take him to aquatic PT. I ended up cancelling the PT due to Christian having some diarrhea, but he still needed to be picked up. I started trying to get DS20 up at 12 noon--now understand, I cannot even get into his room due to the stuff on the floor and I'm on crutches.. I had to shout from the doorway. Finally at 12:25pm I just got ready and left. On the way to the truck I tripped and fell into the pine straw(grr), but I managed toget Christian before he turned a year older. (you can't go anywhere fast on crutches)

When I got home, there was DS waiting on the carport. He took Christian in. When I got in, I told him tht I was very disappointed that he didn't pick up Christian because I really was counting on him. He said,"I REALLY DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK." He unloaded on me all about his "flashbacks" to his "terrible childhood" and how he can't sleep and how angry he is and how it's my fault he did poorly in school and that my parenting skills are so bad he hopes DD13 doesn't grow up to hate me like he does, blahblahblah...wth??

I"m exhausted now from the conversation,but the upshot is I told him he would have to learn to deal with his anger,That I was sorry that I had made some bad parenting decisions at times, that I was sorry he has bad memories from his childhood and that I don't seem to share those exact memories, but if it's troubling him he probably needs to see someone about dealing with them. I also told him that I thought perhaps it might be time for him to establish his own home, since he is unhappy in this one, and that I would not accept any undermining of my authority with his 13yo sister.(He was arguing for her to be allowed to dye her hair blue ) Period.

I am so angry I could spit nails. I expected John to keep his promise. I expect him to do what is necessary to help out while I"m down. I can't get Chrstians into the house, we have stairs. DH and I have done our best to raise him and we probably have made errors along the way, just like any parent.I thought things were going pretty well. I"m not sure where all this anger came from. I don't want to throw DS out right here at Christmas,but I think after our Disney vacation(which he may or may not be going on ) we are going to work on getting him out of our house, if we have to pay his rent!

 

[Hedy]

I'm sorry DS fell through on you.

 

[RNMOM]

I have a 21yr old son and a 19 yr old son who he could room with. We can split the rent! I feel the very same way you do about both of them.

 

[kellyg403]

Though I love my children dearly there has come a time that they needed to move into their own homes. My dd 21 day came the day I had asked her to do the dishes while I was at work. She informed me that she didn't feel that it was her responsibility to wash anyone's dishes except her own. Such a small thing but the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. I gave her 60 days to come to terms with my rules or find her own home and establish her own. 58 days later and 18 months counting she has moved into her own home. She is finding out now what she never knew before.

Each child is so different. Raised exactly the same but all have a different outlook. Same dd feels like her childhood has no fond memories but her older brother and younger sister often talk about this time or that. So, I think that some kids just feel the need to be angry at the world. Its alot easier than looking in the mirror and being angry at themselves for missed opportunities.

Hopefully, he will grow up and mature. And hopefully he will find a place and you can have some peace!

Kelly

 

[Disney Doll]

Time for him to get his own palce and learn what it's like to live in the real world, instead of mooching off Mom and Dad.

 

[suzij13]

To make you feel a little better most of the stuff he said probably was him covering up a different problem. When I was 10 I went through a stage where I was a real brat to my mom and dad. I'd be upset about one thing and didn't want to share till I exploded with a list of stupid things most of which I didn't mean. Luckly for them and me I grew out of that in about a year. I'm now 19 and at college in a State that is far away from home. I miss my family a lot and didn't really want to come but now I relize that my relationship with my parents is a lot better then it would be if I still lived at home full time. They now can see me as an adult (well most of the time) and my respect for them grows each day. I miss them a lot and can't wait to go home next week. So I think it may be time for him to be off on his own too. He'll thank you for it latter

 

[pperfectmom]

Each child is so different. Raised exactly the same but all have a different outlook. Same dd feels like her childhood has no fond memories but her older brother and younger sister often talk about this time or that. So, I think that some kids just feel the need to be angry at the world. Its alot easier than looking in the mirror and being angry at themselves for missed opportunities.


Kelly

This is so true. My older sister looks back on our childhood and resents all the material things we never had while growing up. My brother and I look back and say "Man we were lucky to live out in the country with lots of woods, a pond, grandparents our closest neighbors and lots of love and good times." My sister brings up to Mom and Dad all the time how underprivileged we were . I think no matter what some people will never be happy with what they have. On the other hand, a lot of people go through a stage of resenting their parents and their rules and sometimes all it takes is a glimpse of how hard the real world is for them to come around(worked for me anyway ). Good luck with your son.

 

[Chattyaholic]

Well, at 20 years old I don't think of him as a boy, he's an adult showing some pretty childish behavior. I don't blame you for wanting him out of your house if he's going to act that way. Let him get an apartment with friends or something and start living in the real world. He will be much more appreciative of the things you have done for him once he realizes what it's really like out there!!

Does he have a job? Does he pay you anything for weekly or monthly room and board?

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I would have moved him out about a year ago.

 

[KirstenB]

I'm sorry Minky. I know you've been through a lot throughout the years with John. I'll pray that a solution will workout for all of you.

 

[nealymouse]

This is so true. My older sister looks back on our childhood and resents all the material things we never had while growing up. My brother and I look back and say "Man we were lucky to live out in the country with lots of woods, a pond, grandparents our closest neighbors and lots of love and good times." My sister brings up to Mom and Dad all the time how underprivileged we were . I think no matter what some people will never be happy with what they have. On the other hand, a lot of people go through a stage of resenting their parents and their rules and sometimes all it takes is a glimpse of how hard the real world is for them to come around(worked for me anyway ). Good luck with your son.

I have 3 DD's my oldest feels the same way your sister does. She is now living in the city with her aunt and loving it. My 13 yr old DD is as happy as a pig in poo with the country life and her horses LOL

I say let him move on and wonder who is paying for his Disney trip ?

Our DD moved out at 17 and had a big OHHHH when she found out she was not going to Disney next month with the family. She did not want to live here and didnt want to help out as a family member so she cant reep the rewards of a family vacation.

It was the hardest thing I ever did.

 

[Hillbeans]

Wow Minky. Your son really knows how to push your buttons and say something to you that he knows is gonna hurt. OUCH! You poor thing.

He's very angry and honestly I think (from some other situations you've mentioned) he needs to cut out the "feel bad for me" act and stop blaming everyone for where he is in his life. If he saw some people who "truly" had bad childhoods and live on the streets, maybe he'd grow to appreciate everything you've done for him.

I wish there was someone/somewhere for you to get some temporary help for a few weeks while your leg is in a cast.

Edited to add : IT's funny how many people here have said about growing up and how you and your siblings have a completely different view of what it was like growing up. My brother and I are kind of similar and we both have a fairly consistent view of how things were with us growing up, but my husband and his 3 siblings are all completely different and have very different views of how they were raised. Two of his siblings think their parents messed up their whole life while him and his brother somehow have a completely different view of things. Weird.

 

[BeNJeNWaFFLe]

Are you sure you're not talking about my brother? Because I swear I've overheard those arguments before. He is 21 and is usually straddling the line between still living at home and being kicked out. His social life is more important than anything else, why should he help around the house...I'm thinking you've heard it all. Just letting you know, my mom's been there, done that. She has the rule: You don't like it? Move out. And the thing is, she will enforce it. I love my mom, but she is one scary lady!

Did your son go away to college or stay home? I've noticed that most of the students who went away to college seem to be a little more appreciative of everything they have at home. (Not saying all, just something I've noticed with my friends, their siblings, my brother, and his friends.) Usually that time away from home, having to do everything for yourself, reminds you that home is really quite nice.

I think if your son feels that helping out at home is too much and home life is "so terrible", then he should go out on his own.

 

[PeterPanette]

ATTENTION YOUNG PEOPLE!! Get out of your parents' house NOW, while you still know all the answers!

Minky, I noticed you live in GA. Perhaps your son can move in and room with my son who, at 25, just moved out into "greener pastures" for the THIRD time. (1st was when he was 18)

It's amazing. The second they're paying their own rent, buying their own groceries, and doing their own laundry, we parents suddenly become smarter and kinder in their estimation.

I would let your son know how much you love him and want the best for him, then put him right out. And please don't pay his rent for him! That's like rewarding him for bad behavior.

It'll be very hard and you'll feel like the worst parent in the world for a while. But it's the best thing you can do for him right now. You're not helping him one bit by housing him and letting him sleep til noon. Sooner or later he has to learn to function and contribute in the real world.

We let our son know that he was welcome back home if he needed to come back. He did come back twice, each time with a better attitude. And now he's out of the nest again, since last week. Hopefully, this time it'll take.

Best of luck to you in this difficult situation.

 

[tammy]

 

[ZPT1022]

If it weren't for the whole younger child thing I'd think my mom had discovered the internet and written that post! Seriously, sounds SO MUCH like my youngest brother it's uncanny. Can't be bothered to help with anything, thinks the world revolves around him, and everyone should cater to him. Perhaps we should start the "ungrateful boys home" and send them all there with a warm welcome to the world of taking care of a home and yourself. Betcha real home would seem fantastic after that. In all seriousness though I am sorry you are going through this and I think a reality check is necessary for your son. He hates it so much there- bye bye! Help him pack, maybe help with a few things to get started- linens, pans, etc.... but let him figure it out. Does he work and pay rent at all? I was made to pay rent when I lived at home, even the summer after high school. My mom is NOWHERE like that now that my stepfather moved out which is why I was gone at 19 and my brother is still hanging in there and being a jerk. I hope he either adjusts his attitude or finds his own space for his own rules. Good luck

 

[minkydog]

Thanks for the support, ya'll. Things are calmer now, but he's just not speaking to me. I think he is embarrassed (he should be!) I imagine he was really mad about something else and just let fly with me,knowing he could hurt me. I have taken great care to ensure that my kids do NOT have abusive childhoods--DH grew up in a violent alcoholic home and I endured years of verbal, physical, and sexual abuse. My children have no idea--they think they're suffering because we don't have cable

John does not go to college, though he says he wants to--he just never gets around to signing up(the school is about 3miles away.) He has lofty ideas of being a filmmaker. He does not pay rent. He works part-time at Blockbuster for $7/hr and plays hours of online & video games. His car insurance is about $100/month and he's on our cellphone plan(he stays within his alloted minutes). Most of his money goes toward his savings, video games, and eating out He rarely eats with us because he tells people I can't cook(I can cook plenty, I just don't cook fried food and pizza )

We have a family Disney vacation Jan2-7 and we are debating whether John will go. Depends on how the next two weeks goes(DH is going out of town next week--that will be the acid test). DH & I talked it over last night and we're definitely moving him out in January. As Rafiki says, "Eet ees Time!" I don't want to start World War III right here at Christmas. I'd rather it seem like "wow~your own place", rather than "we're throwing you out in the snow." We just bought some new furniture so he can have the old sofa if he wants it and his bed & TV & video stuff. I'll give him some plastic plates, some TP, and some of our camping towels. He can drive to the thrift store for anything else.

When I was 20 my own mother threw me out for mouthing off. Of course I was already an RN, paying my own way, but still, it was the best thing she ever did for me. I landed on my feet and never looked back.

 

[lovemygoofy]

If you do decide to "help" him out I have several starter things still packed away from my first place. They are clean and useable like plastic cups that I bought at walmart and I think maybe my old plates and bowls and possibly some pots and pans. If you would like any of these please just let me know. Over this holiday break, I'm cleaning out my storage and closests and sending stuff to goodwill but I don't mind shipping to you, if you wish.

I hope things get better for you and your family. Merry Christmas

 

[minkydog]

If you do decide to "help" him out I have several starter things still packed away from my first place. They are clean and useable like plastic cups that I bought at walmart and I think maybe my old plates and bowls and possibly some pots and pans. If you would like any of these please just let me know. Over this holiday break, I'm cleaning out my storage and closests and sending stuff to goodwill but I don't mind shipping to you, if you wish.

I hope things get better for you and your family. Merry Christmas

Sending you a PM

 

[kandeebunny]

ive moved out 3 times now...but mom is getting me back in 2 weeks. Not sure how happy with that she is, but soimetimes circumstances just can't be helped. I need help now more than ever and mom knows that. I haven't always left on the best of terms, but she is there to pick me up when I have fallen hard.

If he doesn't succeedd on his own...just be there for him still.