Bittersweet easter

[kawing123]

What would you think? Everytime I host a dinner for the holdiays it turns into a personal attack.. I make sure we have all the right holiday treats and food, cook the food, host the dinner and then.... My youngest is going off to college this fall and it is between three schools. Since she and my parents think this is a group decision there were words. Anytime my oldest daughter does not like what I say or do or if I do not give her something she always says, Well will see what kind of nursing home you will go to? Now she has my sweet young daughter sometimes chiming in and in my opinion it is disgusting? It is almost like if you do not give me everything I want then when you are old you are going to the dungeon attitude. What would you do? I am so tempted not to help her and just say next time she asks for money that I am saving it for my nursing home? So dysfunctional though.

 

[MIGrandma]

I like your idea of telling her, the next time she asks for money, that you are saving it for the nursing home. Good one!! You said your youngest DD is going to college this fall, but that it's your oldest DD who makes the nursing home statement, so exactly how old is she? If it were me I'd be pulling her aside and letting her know exactly how hurtful the nursing home statement is to me, and would ask her to stop saying it.

 

[MickeySP]

ITA!! I would def tell her that you are now saving your money for the good nursing home & btw gonna spend every nickel of her "inheritance" too. Childish - yes but I am betting she gets the point. If not I would reply that what she says is hurtful & mean and you raised her better than that.

 

[abdmom]

What would you think? Everytime I host a dinner for the holdiays it turns into a personal attack.. I make sure we have all the right holiday treats and food, cook the food, host the dinner and then.... My youngest is going off to college this fall and it is between three schools. Since she and my parents think this is a group decision there were words. Anytime my oldest daughter does not like what I say or do or if I do not give her something she always says, Well will see what kind of nursing home you will go to? Now she has my sweet young daughter sometimes chiming in and in my opinion it is disgusting? It is almost like if you do not give me everything I want then when you are old you are going to the dungeon attitude. What would you do? I am so tempted not to help her and just say next time she asks for money that I am saving it for my nursing home? So dysfunctional though.

With regards to the youngest daughter, you said that she AND your parents think it's a group decision.... So, what is the problem? Do you think it should be your decision?

With regards to the oldest daughter - Sometimes I joke with my oldest, who is only 14, that I'm nice to him because he'll have to take care of me in my old age, which isn't that far away. Is your daughter joking? Is this type of humor common in your family? In any case, I agree with MIGrandma's suggested response.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

What would you think? Everytime I host a dinner for the holdiays it turns into a personal attack.. I make sure we have all the right holiday treats and food, cook the food, host the dinner and then.... My youngest is going off to college this fall and it is between three schools. Since she and my parents think this is a group decision there were words. Anytime my oldest daughter does not like what I say or do or if I do not give her something she always says, Well will see what kind of nursing home you will go to? Now she has my sweet young daughter sometimes chiming in and in my opinion it is disgusting? It is almost like if you do not give me everything I want then when you are old you are going to the dungeon attitude. What would you do? I am so tempted not to help her and just say next time she asks for money that I am saving it for my nursing home? So dysfunctional though.

Are they joking when they say stuff like this? Why are they asking you for money?

My dd is a college freshman away at a dorm. She works over the summer and banks her money to use for her personal stuff.

I guess I don't understand what you are meaning about "asking for money"?

 

[kawing123]

My oldest is 24 and youngest is 18. My oldest asks for the money or anything and if the outcome is not to her satisfaction than that is always her statement. Also, she will turn to my youngest and tell her they are all yours I am not taking care of them when they are old. No I would say not a joke to frequent and the tone of the conversations. As far as my youngests college decision. She is an aspiring physician. Received and full ride to one university along with Honors admission, not her first choice but no one would be in debt before medical school. Her other choice is a well renowned non Ivy school though with little aid with Honors admission. Her first choice which is only because of its beautiful location has offered a partial scholarship no Honors admission at this time and we are waiting for response to two other programs at this college. Economics, academia, and her choice are all considerations. But this is for my youngest daughter and my husband and myself to consider not anyone who does not have all the information especially economic.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Your oldest is 24 and asks you for money and you give them money? I don't understand.

My dd is 18 and has her own money. We told her if she wants extra money to get a job.

I am really trying to understand why you are giving a 24yo money.

 

[abdmom]

A 24 year old should be self sufficient, unless they're asking for tuition money. Period.

Honestly, I lived in the U.S. for a long time and worked in education for much of that time. I still don't get the view that parents should be the ones to decide where their offspring go to college. If said offspring wants to go to a more expensive college, then they should feel free to take out loans that will take them time to pay back once they graduate. Their decision. If they want to discuss their decision with the grandparents, or ANYONE, they should feel free to. JMHO.

 

[Ceila]

My oldest is 24 and youngest is 18. My oldest asks for the money or anything and if the outcome is not to her satisfaction than that is always her statement. Also, she will turn to my youngest and tell her they are all yours I am not taking care of them when they are old. No I would say not a joke to frequent and the tone of the conversations. As far as my youngests college decision. She is an aspiring physician. Received and full ride to one university along with Honors admission, not her first choice but no one would be in debt before medical school. Her other choice is a well renowned non Ivy school though with little aid with Honors admission. Her first choice which is only because of its beautiful location has offered a partial scholarship no Honors admission at this time and we are waiting for response to two other programs at this college. Economics, academia, and her choice are all considerations. But this is for my youngest daughter and my husband and myself to consider not anyone who does not have all the information especially economic.

So, I take it that your youngest daughter has your parents "on her side" regarding going to the school that isn't offering the best package? You might need to tell her that while you respect your parents thoughts on the issue, they are not in a position to fully evaluate the choices and that she cannot "use" them to convince you where she should go, and that the decision needs to be between her, her father, and you - only.

As for your older daughter, I would try laughing it off with the "I'm saving for that retirement home you won't be helping with" line first. Then, if she doesn't back off after hearing that a few times, then tell her point blank that it's hurtful and you and your husband won't allow her to hurt you this way.

 

[DisneySaver28]

You need to stop giving your 24 year old money! Many people that age have graduated college, have steady jobs, and families of their own. She needs a bit of a reality check. In the long run, it would probably be what's best for her!

As for the youngest, was the full-ride university on her short list of favorites? If it was, she'd be a fool not to take it! If not, then I would definitely let her decide. As as physician, she would easily be able to pay back her student loans after graduation (over time, of course).

I received a full scholarship to one of the local universities, and I turned it down. I took out student loans, and I have never regretted the decision. If you dislike the college, then you are going to be miserable all 4 years. If she decides to transfer, many private schools award very little to no aid to transfer students.

 

[kawing123]

The problem is the discussion starts from them. They bring it up and do not discuss but try to influence based on no information. She can go whereever she wants but cannot afford to go. I am more level headed and feel who should turn down a free four year degree. We are not rich nor poor so qualifying for aid is touchy. She can discuss it with them but when they start badgering me than it becomes a different story. And yes it was said by my oldest during this if they do not let you go and pay where you want what nursing home will it be this one or that one. It is disgusting. To turn such a happy time for my youngest into a personal attack is just beyond my realm of understanding. I just do not treat people like this. It simply is a family decision. My oldest spends her money irresponsibly. We pay for some car repairs, dental, vision and some medical. She knows she is free to come here and take food as I am a Budget couponer with a stash of food and personal items, she is just so ungreatful and worries about what she does not have instead of what she has. My oldest does not live at home.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The problem is the discussion starts from them. They bring it up and do not discuss but try to influence based on no information. She can go whereever she wants but cannot afford to go. I am more level headed and feel who should turn down a free four year degree. We are not rich nor poor so qualifying for aid is touchy. She can discuss it with them but when they start badgering me than it becomes a different story. And yes it was said by my oldest during this if they do not let you go and pay where you want what nursing home will it be this one or that one. It is disgusting. To turn such a happy time for my youngest into a personal attack is just beyond my realm of understanding. I just do not treat people like this. It simply is a family decision. My oldest spends her money irresponsibly. We pay for some car repairs, dental, vision and some medical. She knows she is free to come here and take food as I am a Budget couponer with a stash of food and personal items, she is just so ungreatful and worries about what she does not have instead of what she has. My oldest does not live at home.

Ok, but you still have not answered why you are allowing this?

 

[LuvOrlando]

My two cents:

I don't like what is coming out of your DD's mouth about the nursing home. Yes, it may be true but it is cruel. When my DD11 says something mean I tell her she hurt me and walk away. Sometimes I even tell her I'm not going to talk to her until I feel better then go to my room so I don't retaliate, which is tempting but not appropriate. I think kids are ok with arguing, but they have no idea what to do with being shunned. I don't think today is too late to put your older DD in her place. But stay deadly quiet and don't let her ruffle your feathers, that will confuse he and get her attention. Personally, I don't think the extra money is a big deal. It's not the fact she's asking for $ that is a problem it's the disrespect that comes with disappointment and the Nursing Home comment that is the problem, the money part seemed to be just an example of how the girl uses it.

As for the family discussion about your DD's education, it sounds like an ambush attack. Your youngest DD was being very manipulative and used your parents for leverage. Not only should she not have done it but your parents should have known better then to get manipulated by a child. If it was me I'd have a serious conversation with her about her tactics and inviting other people into a conversation reserved for you & her.


Good luck.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Bottom line OP, you sound like a doormat with your kids. You allow them to take food, money, pay bills and then let them talk nasty to you.

At some point you have to stop it. You are not doing your 24yo any favors.

 

[kawing123]

I have already told my youngest that she is not discuss our finances with them. How much we pay or if or not loans are taking out is none of their business. My parents instigate trouble and have done so for a long time. Them telling her where she should to college is based on nothing and to get argumentive at Easter and disrespectful is disgusting.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have already told my youngest that she is not discuss our finances with them. How much we pay or if or not loans are taking out is none of their business. My parents instigate trouble and have done so for a long time. Them telling her where she should to college is based on nothing and to get argumentive at Easter and disrespectful is disgusting.

Stop blaming your parents or your family. My family will discuss everything till the ends of the earth however it is just discussion.

You are the keeper of the keys. Take back your power.

Your oldest sounds like a master manipulator. It only works on you if you let it.

 

[kawing123]

My oldest daughter went to a local university after high school, Paid for by me for the first year completely. She dropped courses did not attend and failed some. The second year I told her to take out a loan for half and I would pay half thinking that some financial stake in her education would waken her up. She flunked out. She is now back in another college for which I told her to take out loans to pay for, I have helped her with books and that if we are in the financial position I would help her pay back loans for tuition part only. She took out enough loans this year to cover fall winter spring and summer she had enough money. Every time I speak with her she is eating out or going out several times a week . She now claims she has no money for spring coursework and has asked for money. The first college she attended is the same college my youngest received a full scholarship. I really want to tell her now that I am saving for retirement home and you should have spent your money wisely, I cannot afford to go out a few times a week or buy makeup and the beauty counter of department stores. If I did I would have no savings or college money for my kids?
Why should she do these things and still as for funds?

 

[EllenFrasier]

Holidays are a stressful time, especially if relatives who don't see each other often get together. Sounds like your parents give their opinion about matters that don't concern them whether it's their business or not. I would tell them "thanks for that opinion, we'll take it into consideration" and then change the subject.

As far as your oldest dd's comments, I think she is trying to be funny. I would tell her, not in front of anybody, that you do not think the comments are funny and would like them to stop. I'm assuming that she lives at home?
If she continues with the comments after that, then I guess she really feels that way. Start charging her room and board to live there and don't give her any more money.

 

[happygirl]

Why are you allowing them to talk to you like this? I would tell them unitl they can treat me with respect then they can just stay away.

Your 18 year wants to go to a better college then the one she got a scholarship to and you are mad because your parents are trying to talk her into going to a pricer school? Simple enough tell your parents then they can pay for it.

 

[abdmom]

I really want to tell her now that I am saving for retirement home and you should have spent your money wisely, I cannot afford to go out a few times a week or buy makeup and the beauty counter of department stores. If I did I would have no savings or college money for my kids?
Why should she do these things and still as for funds?

You should tell dd that you cannot afford to give her any more money. The reason she's asking for more money is you are giving it to her. It's easier than studying or working.

Don't put your retirement at risk by paying for your children's educations or lifestyles.