Bitter, Bitter, Bitter..Inlaw Issue...

[ThreeMusketeers]

Okay, so DH's mom is long estranged out of the picture. His dad is remarried as of about 2 years ago to a woman with 2 kids the age of our daughter (his granddaughter) His dad hasn't given a darn about any of us in YEARS, almost 5 to be exact. He calls only when its a holiday or he feels pressured to, and even then he rarley asks about us, mostly just goes on about himself. DH has been in school for 5 years now, and will be graduating with his Masters in May. And not once did his dad offer any support of any kind. Fast Forward to beggining of October Dh's grandmother comes to visit us, Also a strange thing. DH kind of "let loose" and told her how annyoed he was at his father for not giving a darn about his granddaughter or him. Anywho..Dh's grandma must have gone back and let in to Dh's dad b/c he called us just a week later and acted like everything was GREAT, and asked if he could come visit us. (we live 3 hours away) DH agreed, and has seemed to fall into some sort of vortex, where he now belives his father is "all better" and actually wants a relationship with him.
Here is my issue:

DH and i have been together our whole lives, we met when we were 15. We are now 27. Dh's father beat him, humiliated him and well..treated him like dirt his whole life...I saw this first hand.
His father has played pretty much No part in my dd's life (she is 5) other than showing up at a few bday parties *late, and leaving early*
I am worried that DH is jumping into something he *Wishes* were there and will end up getting hurt *again* by his dad.
Also, new wife, dosen't like us, and has even cursed out DH on the phone just recently. (Well she was cursing him out in the background while DH was talking to his dad on the phone)
I AM SO BITTER! I know i probobly need to suck this up and just move on and let Dh do what he will with his own family. But i am worried for him and Bitter for me. And have been bitter so long. I am not sure what to do with it now.
Any thoughts?

 

[ilovejack02]

I totally understand that you are bitter and worried, heck who wouldnt be!
BUT I think this is something your DH is going to have to work out on his own. If you try to stop him it may make him resent you and you def. dont want to head down that road. Id just let Dh know that in no way is your FIL do anything to hurt your DD and if he does he is not allowed to have any contact with her what so ever and then support him while he tries to find a relationship with his father... if it works GREAT, if not just be there to love and support him in his time of sadness and never ever throw out the " i told ya so " line.
Good luck!

 

[WildGrits]

Take a deep breath and shake it off.

My dad and I went 15 years without speaking. It is just recently that we are working on our relationship. Although he never laid a hand on me he has always been a very manipulative as is my mother.

At 26 I moved 13 hours away, raised a family and grew up. The growing up part is still happening, it didn't just happen at 26 years old.

Now, 12 years later, I moved back home to my home town more confident in who I am and able to deal with my parents human defects and make relationships with both without slipping into the same routines of old.

You guys are still young. I'm sure your husband want his dad to be what he sees. Don't be bitter. But don't fall into the trap you already see. It might be a long time before your husband can honestly see his dad for all his human errors and still make a realtionship with him where he is emotionally safe.

The best thing you can do is look out for your child and your best interest.

If history does repeat it self, don't let fall into the role of being a sounding board. He needs to face this like an adult.

 

[Nanisashi]

I know its hard but take a deep breath and see where it goes. My dh's parents abandoned him and weren't there for him until a few years ago, DH is 37. He and his mom were able to bond and have relationship, she recently passed away from cancer so he is grateful that he got to spend some happy times with her. His DH has also strongly come into the picture now, and even if they don't see him too much, there is a connection. I didn't feel that I had the right to discourage dh, all I could do was to be postive and supportive. I hope it all works out for you. I can understand your bitterness, but try to take a step back and see that some good may come out of it.

 

[MSSANDRA]

It sounds like this is something that your husband has to do. most adult children of abuse have to make peace with their past in someway. I would be there for your DH if and when he is again disapointed in his father. I would however absolutly never leave your child alone with them and insist that DH let them know certain house rules that you must put in place to protect your family. Prayers that this will be a positive experence.

 

[digman6]

I say stay clear of that mess ( to a certain degree). Let dh know you are concerned for him , let him know you will be there for him though.

I myself had a TERRIBLErelationship with my dad from age 5 to now. we never talked he was a VERY abusive man to my mom before they divorced. I HATED him( strong words I know) with all my mite.

He never met our girls -his choice . he was 3 hours from us then and never came to our wedding. He did not give me a way. I could not let this man who I really had no desire to have in my life do soomething so important~~ my mom did it .

All I can say is be there if it falls apart and if things work out for them then good for them, it does not mean you have to like it you just need to bite your lip ( I know its hard I have a SIL )

My dad passed away around Easter time, I never went to the services though my choice and I have no regrets. if anything I felt relief he could not hurt anyone now the way he made my mom suffered being married to him ( what comes around goes around). ~~~~ DO NOT try and talk(dh) him into doing what you want he could resent you the rest of your life. my dh let me do what i wanted had he talked me into something ... I might of said why did you???
that is the last thing you want to do .

Maybe they can mend things and get past it, time will tell.

Best of LUck

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

My DH has his family issue as well. His mom is an alcoholic and when all is going good (usually this means she has a boyfriend) we do not hear from her. This can be anywhere form a month to a few years. When her life is going bad she comes by and call everyday and at all hours. My DH greets her with open arms everytime she comes in because..well it's his mom. No matter what she does. Now this woman cannot stand me. She has gone so far as to ask my DH to come by and fix something when she has asked another woman over so he can meet her. She will then call me to let me know what she did. Although I do not wish to stop my DH from seeing her I must limit the amount of time my kids see her. I didn't always do this but it is for their best interest, now. I do let them know that she is busy and does not always have time for them. They see her so rarely that they don't question this. I also let them know that when she does come for their birthday or Christmas (always empty handed) that she does not have a lot of money. It is very hard and you have my sympathy but please know that you are not alone.

 

[jane2073]

The way I handle it (and I am in a similar situation) is that I am the one who holds the grudge and bitterness, thus allowing my husband to persue a relationship with his father no matter how many times he gets hurt.

Maybe not the most ideal way to handle it. My hubby and I actually kind of joke about it. But ultimately he appreciates that I am on his side and ready to back him up if his father comes down on him.