Birthday party rules?

[thebigkahuna]

Co-worker Harry is having a birthday party. I received & replied to an "e-vite" through work email, but today I was asked if I was going. Being my usual non-committal self, I said I would try to attend.

Co-worker Harry says, "Be sure to talk to co-worker Sue if you are coming".

I didn't talk to Sue, but talked to someone else who was also invited. Turns out co-worker Harry and his g/f threw a party for the 4th of July. G/F complained to Sue that the party cost Harry & g/f about $200.00.
Co-worker Sue is gathering monetary donations for the B-day party (NOT for a present, just to help defray the costs of the party), as well as assigning people to bring specific foods / drinks / snacks.

I was always under the impression that if you don’t have the money to throw a party, then you either A.) Don’t have a party at all or B.) You have a party that fits within your budget.

Now, if you are taking someone to lunch / dinner for their b-day, then yes, I would be happy to fork over cash. But to be invited to someone’s home for a b-day party, I think this is a bit much! (Family would be my exception to this – if this was a family member’s b-day I would have NO problem bringing a dish AND helping with the costs.)

Am I alone in thinking this is a bit much? Or am I an old-school party pooper & this is how things are done these days?

 

[Mandychelle79]

I think its rude to ask for people to pay for the party you are throwing. That being said, I was at a party this weekend and did put money in the collection jar to help defray the cost of the beer and fireworks but it wasn't a hey you have to pay, it was totally up to you if you did. I may have chipped in 2 bucks tops as that was the change I had in the car.

If its a neighborhood party I usually take things to share. But for someones birthday nope.

 

[Ceila]

Co-worker Harry is having a birthday party. I received & replied to an "e-vite" through work email, but today I was asked if I was going. Being my usual non-committal self, I said I would try to attend.

Co-worker Harry says, "Be sure to talk to co-worker Sue if you are coming".

I didn't talk to Sue, but talked to someone else who was also invited. Turns out co-worker Harry and his g/f threw a party for the 4th of July. G/F complained to Sue that the party cost Harry & g/f about $200.00.
Co-worker Sue is gathering monetary donations for the B-day party (NOT for a present, just to help defray the costs of the party), as well as assigning people to bring specific foods / drinks / snacks.

I was always under the impression that if you don’t have the money to throw a party, then you either A.) Don’t have a party at all or B.) You have a party that fits within your budget.

Now, if you are taking someone to lunch / dinner for their b-day, then yes, I would be happy to fork over cash. But to be invited to someone’s home for a b-day party, I think this is a bit much! (Family would be my exception to this – if this was a family member’s b-day I would have NO problem bringing a dish AND helping with the costs.)

Am I alone in thinking this is a bit much? Or am I an old-school party pooper & this is how things are done these days?

That is really tacky.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I would be busy washing my hair that day and not be able to attend. So sorry.

 

[pandora174]

Something similar happened to me a few months ago. A co-worker invited me to his baby shower. I was also non-commital, the location was far for me & it was a "family" baby shower. As in bring your spouse & child shower. Here is the kicker ! The baby shower was at a bowling alley. If you come, please be prepared to pay for your own bowling shoes, bowling lane rental & food
Host will only provide cake & soda. So why have it at a bowling alley in the first place ? Found out later his sister works there so the location was free & he got 50 % off the food he ordered for his immediate family only !

I politely told him I had other plans & bought him a gift at work.

 

[kathie859]

OP...I think soliciting funds for a birthday party for a co-worker is beyond tacky! I'd have other plans.

Having said that, you stated your replied to the e-vite. What was your reply? Yes or no? If you are hedging your bets by saying "I'll try to attend", I'm sorry, but that isn't good enough. If you have no plans on attending, it's perfectly acceptable to say "Gee, I have other plans--I bet you'll have a great celebration!" or something similar.

I see two serious "Miss Manners" violations here.
1) collecting money for a bday party
2) not giving a definite reply

 

[Mandychelle79]

OP...I think soliciting funds for a birthday party for a co-worker is beyond tacky! I'd have other plans.

Having said that, you stated your replied to the e-vite. What was your reply? Yes or no? If you are hedging your bets by saying "I'll try to attend", I'm sorry, but that isn't good enough. If you have no plans on attending, it's perfectly acceptable to say "Gee, I have other plans--I bet you'll have a great celebration!" or something similar.

I see two serious "Miss Manners" violations here.
1) collecting money for a bday party
2) not giving a definite reply

There have been more than a few times where I have used the I will try to make it line. Usually I use it when I do want to be there, but not sure if time wise it will work out. Kinda like this past weekend. I had more than one party to go to, graduation party for my cousin and just a sit around the fire and chat party at my friends. She knew I couldnt give a solid answer and was ok with it. Usually 80 percent of the time when I say I will try, I do make it. If I know I wont be going, I tell them that no I wont be there.

 

[barkley]

OP...I think soliciting funds for a birthday party for a co-worker is beyond tacky! I'd have other plans.

Having said that, you stated your replied to the e-vite. What was your reply? Yes or no? If you are hedging your bets by saying "I'll try to attend", I'm sorry, but that isn't good enough. If you have no plans on attending, it's perfectly acceptable to say "Gee, I have other plans--I bet you'll have a great celebration!" or something similar.

I see two serious "Miss Manners" violations here.
1) collecting money for a bday party
2) not giving a definite reply

i think miss manners probably has allot of issues with e-vite, but the reply options are "yes", "no", and (not sure of the exact wording) but something uncommittal like "not sure".


i agree that the idea of collecting money is tacky, but if someone is of the mindset that their guests need to help contribute to the expenses of their party, if they are using e-vite there's no need to do a money collection-all they have to do is set up the invite so that when the invitee responds it automaticly directs them to a list that the "host" can detail specificaly on what they want guests to bring (and with your rsvp of "yes" or "maybe", it triggers a drop down where you indicate what you are bringing off that list).


sounds like either-

(1) harry and g/f don't want the public appearance of soliciting,
(2) maybe harry does'nt know, and g/f is letting sue be the tacky one,
or
(3) harry and g/f both don't know, and sue is doing this of her own volition (in which case, depending on how harry and his g/f operate, and if the g/f was just venting to sue-both harry and his g/f may be mortified when they learn of sue's activities).

 

[thebigkahuna]

OP...I think soliciting funds for a birthday party for a co-worker is beyond tacky! I'd have other plans.

Having said that, you stated your replied to the e-vite. What was your reply? Yes or no? If you are hedging your bets by saying "I'll try to attend", I'm sorry, but that isn't good enough. If you have no plans on attending, it's perfectly acceptable to say "Gee, I have other plans--I bet you'll have a great celebration!" or something similar.

I see two serious "Miss Manners" violations here.
1) collecting money for a bday party
2) not giving a definite reply

Agreed, I should have given a definite reply. At the time of the e-vite, I didn't know about the collection, and I really don't know my weekend schedule yet, so I did say that "I would try" but "no promises". (I can't say yes or no to anything until I know my schedule) I guess not knowing, I should have just said "no".
The "collection" issue reared its head today though, I was unaware of this at the time of the "e-vite"
(boy that's a lot of quotes in one paragraph! )

 

[thebigkahuna]

I think its rude to ask for people to pay for the party you are throwing. That being said, I was at a party this weekend and did put money in the collection jar to help defray the cost of the beer and fireworks but it wasn't a hey you have to pay, it was totally up to you if you did. I may have chipped in 2 bucks tops as that was the change I had in the car.

If its a neighborhood party I usually take things to share. But for someones birthday nope.

i think the option of giving is a whole different animal - this feels forced.

 

[thebigkahuna]

That is really tacky.

i thought so too!

 

[thebigkahuna]

I would be busy washing my hair that day and not be able to attend. So sorry.

LOL! good answer!

 

[thebigkahuna]

Something similar happened to me a few months ago. A co-worker invited me to his baby shower. I was also non-commital, the location was far for me & it was a "family" baby shower. As in bring your spouse & child shower. Here is the kicker ! The baby shower was at a bowling alley. If you come, please be prepared to pay for your own bowling shoes, bowling lane rental & food
Host will only provide cake & soda. So why have it at a bowling alley in the first place ? Found out later his sister works there so the location was free & he got 50 % off the food he ordered for his immediate family only !

I politely told him I had other plans & bought him a gift at work.

so I guess it's not as un-common as I thought. kinda sad.

 

[thebigkahuna]

There have been more than a few times where I have used the I will try to make it line. Usually I use it when I do want to be there, but not sure if time wise it will work out. Kinda like this past weekend. I had more than one party to go to, graduation party for my cousin and just a sit around the fire and chat party at my friends. She knew I couldnt give a solid answer and was ok with it. Usually 80 percent of the time when I say I will try, I do make it. If I know I wont be going, I tell them that no I wont be there.

I have to know my schedule before I can say yes or no to anything. Before I found out all the "contribution" nonsense it really was an "I'll try to be there".

 

[thebigkahuna]

i think miss manners probably has allot of issues with e-vite,

LOL, agreed! Let's not even get into the fact that it was a work email e-vite!

sounds like either-

(1) harry and g/f don't want the public appearance of soliciting,
(2) maybe harry does'nt know, and g/f is letting sue be the tacky one,
or
(3) harry and g/f both don't know, and sue is doing this of her own volition (in which case, depending on how harry and his g/f operate, and if the g/f was just venting to sue-both harry and his g/f may be mortified when they learn of sue's activities).

Harry directed me to Sue, so I assume he knows what she's up to.