Being the new partner after their divorce

[Elephantay]

You don't have the Disney magic feelings yet lol. There's more than enough to do and experience!

 

[Rory607]

No I have not and yes they all want to show me stuff.. in the same breath as they say they want to show me they say how their mom was with the similar experience.. again I’m happy they are comfortable talking about it I just don’t want my first trip to Disney being a walk down memory lane ..

I can definitely understand where you’re coming from. I don’t know how old the kids are, but chances are they don’t understand how talking about their mom makes you feel.

My advice, seeing as you’re a Disney newbie, is to go in with an open mind. You haven’t felt the magic yet! Hopefully, you feel it while you’re there. Not everyone does, and I’m always disappointed when people go for the first time and don’t get that feeling.

My husband had never been and I couldn’t wait to take him for the first time. He was skeptical and was only willing to go for our toddler. He said it was a one-time trip. But guess what...he got the magic and we’ve made so many wonderful family memories there. So I bet you will also make awesome memories and everything will be fine. Just don’t be worrying about his ex the entire time you’re there, even if the kids bring her up. He chose you and he wants to share Disney with you. There are always new memories to be made!

 

[SonjaSma]

His ex-wife is part of his story, and will always be part of who his KIDS are. Being jealous of her and her place in their lives is not going to work out well for you. You need to try to grow past the feelings of jealousy and competition. The kids need to feel free to talk about her and about memories from their lives and their past if you want to be part of their future. If you think this relationship is permanent, can you find it in yourself to try to become friends with her?

Yes being friends is not an option.. circumstances between them make it a non issue.. we all make sure we (my bf and I as well as his ex and her bf(his ex bf) enough said!! ... we speak kindly in front of kids and that’s what matters

 

[SonjaSma]

Yes being friends is not an option.. circumstances between them make it a non issue.. we all make sure we (my bf and I as well as his ex and her bf(his ex bf) enough said!! ... we speak kindly in front of kids and that’s what matters

His ex BFF

 

[SonjaSma]

I'm sorry you're worried about it...but, I don't really think you will never have a new experience there with them. Yes there's a history of past trips, and there will likely be some must-do favorites and possibly stories and memories will come up. But if you are committed to moving forward with this family that will be a part of a lot of things you do together.
It's a fresh start. You can create new memories and do lots of new things or start a new tradition...The kids will be processing their family split for a long time, but kids also live in the moment and new experiences presented with joy and excitement can go a long way to help you all bond and enjoy a vacation together. Hopefully you can help your boyfriend understand your perspective and feelings. Maybe state them in a way that encourages positivity? Use humor? If you say okay lets each think of finding a new snack this trip - the dole whips and churros are a given!...Or start by asking everyone a must do at every park- so they know you are listening and care what they want- and then decide together which park will be the late night ice cream for dinner park,, or whatever. Add something to the trip...Disney offers much-loved experiences and also new ones every time.

Yes I agree.. I want some new our time experiences as well.. that’s a great idea about asking them must do’s in each park and do something new.. my bf hates Dole whip.. lol.. I am part of groups and asked him about them.. he said don’t bother they are gross... lol
I’m sure listening to everyone I can research new things to do..

 

[butterscotchcollins]

His ex BFF

Okay...I’m no relationship therapist or family counselor but I think I might understand the issue. He may still be dealing with feelings of hurt and betrayal from whatever that situation is/was and may be scared that there will be certain triggers that will upset him. I would say take that as a good sign that he doesn’t want to ruin your trip by potentially having a reaction to someplace/something and make you feel like he doesn’t want you there or isn’t over his ex and is using you as a placeholder (which isn’t true unless he’s a huge jerk!). Trust that he is excited to make new memories with you and share something that’s so special to him with you!

As for you being able to enjoy your vacation (especially since it’s your first time) it’s in your best interest (always) to openly communicate how you’re feeling with him in a calm non-accusatory way instead of sweeping it under the rug or bottling it up. You want to feel like he and the kids are sharing with you instead of making things “off limits” and restricting what you (a grown adult!) can and can’t do on your own vacation.

My best advice: If you’re really eager to see or do something they’re not interested in or consider “off limits” enjoy it by yourself! I’ve certainly done it before when my DH isn’t into something, people do it all the time, sometimes it’s just 1 ride, sometimes it’s multiple park days. On the flip side to get some bonding time in ask if you can treat the boys to something they’re really excited about like building a lightsaber or even just grabbing their favorite snack someplace, just the three of you.

I echo the sentiment that there is PLENTY of opportunity to make new memories, just the fact that your traveling group is different is newness in itself But there is obviously a deeper and thornier issue here that you and your SO need honest open communication to work through so that you can truly relax and enjoy your trip.

I hope you guys have a fun time and come back with some amazing memories and a deeper bond in your relationship.

 

[SonjaSma]

Okay...I’m no relationship therapist or family counselor but I think I might understand the issue. He may still be dealing with feelings of hurt and betrayal from whatever that situation is/was and may be scared that there will be certain triggers that will upset him. I would say take that as a good sign that he doesn’t want to ruin your trip by potentially having a reaction to someplace/something and make you feel like he doesn’t want you there or isn’t over his ex and is using you as a placeholder (which isn’t true unless he’s a huge jerk!). Trust that he is excited to make new memories with you and share something that’s so special to him with you!

As for you being able to enjoy your vacation (especially since it’s your first time) it’s in your best interest (always) to openly communicate how you’re feeling with him in a calm non-accusatory way instead of sweeping it under the rug or bottling it up. You want to feel like he and the kids are sharing with you instead of making things “off limits” and restricting what you (a grown adult!) can and can’t do on your own vacation.

My best advice: If you’re really eager to see or do something they’re not interested in or consider “off limits” enjoy it by yourself! I’ve certainly done it before when my DH isn’t into something, people do it all the time, sometimes it’s just 1 ride, sometimes it’s multiple park days. On the flip side to get some bonding time in ask if you can treat the boys to something they’re really excited about like building a lightsaber or even just grabbing their favorite snack someplace, just the three of you.

I echo the sentiment that there is PLENTY of opportunity to make new memories, just the fact that your traveling group is different is newness in itself But there is obviously a deeper and thornier issue here that you and your SO need honest open communication to work through so that you can truly relax and enjoy your trip.

I hope you guys have a fun time and come back with some amazing memories and a deeper bond in your relationship.

Thank you.. you have been extremely insightful and I appreciate and agree with your feedback.. I’m very sure you are accurate in your thinking and I will do my very best to make sure everyone has a good time.. I’m ok with taking a backseat I guess and go with the flow..

 

[butterscotchcollins]

Thank you.. you have been extremely insightful and I appreciate and agree with your feedback.. I’m very sure you are accurate in your thinking and I will do my very best to make sure everyone has a good time.. I’m ok with taking a backseat I guess and go with the flow..

You don’t have to take a back seat. If you’re feeling this way it might also help to talk to someone who IS a professional to get some tools to help navigate the situation Good luck and have fun on your trip!

 

[SonjaSma]

You don’t have to take a back seat. If you’re feeling this way it might also help to talk to someone who IS a professional to get some tools to help navigate the situation Good luck and have fun on your trip!

Well I’m sure I’m over reacting.. it shouldn’t matter that he proposed and honeymooned at Disney. It also shouldn’t matter that they have stayed at every resort on property.. it also shouldn’t matter that Tony’s restaurant is something I won’t experience. So I’ll go and and have a good time and make memories as well.. just the experience of going with him and the kids will be different and so what it’s a multiple repeat them it’s new for me..

 

[butterscotchcollins]

Well I’m sure I’m over reacting.. it shouldn’t matter that he proposed and honeymooned at Disney. It also shouldn’t matter that they have stayed at every resort on property.. it also shouldn’t matter that Tony’s restaurant is something I won’t experience. So I’ll go and and have a good time and make memories as well.. just the experience of going with him and the kids will be different and so what it’s a multiple repeat them it’s new for me..

TBH you're not missing anything at Tony's XD But readjusting your perspective and going in with a positive attitude should help.

 

[disneyland_is_magic]

Okay, I read through part of this thread and one post stopped me in my tracks and I just want to stop and give you a hug.

Being the new partner is tough. I have decided not to go into the details but just know I hear you and everything you are saying is valid. And I got super lucky, I have great bonus kids that are brilliant, kind and all that. And it's still tough.

Can you use your DVC points at Aulani or Disneyland? Maybe do something completely new for the whole party? Or split with a couple days at Vero Beach?

I also want to say, Disney can be a place of healing. I fell in love with Disney several years ago, well into my adulthood. We decided to go on a complete whim at a difficult crosswords in our relationship, it was exactly what we needed and it's one of my favorite memories. Disney trips can truly have a lot of healing power to them, that may do your partner significant good as part of his moving forward. Put a little faith in Disney.

And I want to say it again, being more then a decade in, it's still tough even with the kids grown and gone, it's a significant commitment that will take a lot out of you and it will be downright unfair sometimes and frankly often thankless.

I am not saying it's not worth it, I believe it is, but it's not feelings you "get over", it's a lifelong process of just trying to do your best...and then a little more.

I hope you have a deeply magical trip as a new family.

 

[SonjaSma]

Okay, I read through part of this thread and one post stopped me in my tracks and I just want to stop and give you a hug.

Being the new partner is tough. I have decided not to go into the details but just know I hear you and everything you are saying is valid. And I got super lucky, I have great bonus kids that are brilliant, kind and all that. And it's still tough.

Can you use your DVC points at Aulani or Disneyland? Maybe do something completely new for the whole party? Or split with a couple days at Vero Beach?

I also want to say, Disney can be a place of healing. I fell in love with Disney several years ago, well into my adulthood. We decided to go on a complete whim at a difficult crosswords in our relationship, it was exactly what we needed and it's one of my favorite memories. Disney trips can truly have a lot of healing power to them, that may do your partner significant good as part of his moving forward. Put a little faith in Disney.

And I want to say it again, being more then a decade in, it's still tough even with the kids grown and gone, it's a significant commitment that will take a lot out of you and it will be downright unfair sometimes and frankly often thankless.

I am not saying it's not worth it, I believe it is, but it's not feelings you "get over", it's a lifelong process of just trying to do your best...and then a little more.

I hope you have a deeply magical trip as a new family.

Thank you soooooo much.. it’s nice to hear that I’m not selfish in my thinking and jealous of his past.. I’m not jealous at all but I am wanting different experiences for sure so that it is unique memories not an overlapping experience with an

Okay, I read through part of this thread and one post stopped me in my tracks and I just want to stop and give you a hug.

Being the new partner is tough. I have decided not to go into the details but just know I hear you and everything you are saying is valid. And I got super lucky, I have great bonus kids that are brilliant, kind and all that. And it's still tough.

Can you use your DVC points at Aulani or Disneyland? Maybe do something completely new for the whole party? Or split with a couple days at Vero Beach?

I also want to say, Disney can be a place of healing. I fell in love with Disney several years ago, well into my adulthood. We decided to go on a complete whim at a difficult crosswords in our relationship, it was exactly what we needed and it's one of my favorite memories. Disney trips can truly have a lot of healing power to them, that may do your partner significant good as part of his moving forward. Put a little faith in Disney.

And I want to say it again, being more then a decade in, it's still tough even with the kids grown and gone, it's a significant commitment that will take a lot out of you and it will be downright unfair sometimes and frankly often thankless.

I am not saying it's not worth it, I believe it is, but it's not feelings you "get over", it's a lifelong process of just trying to do your best...and then a little more.

I hope you have a deeply magical trip as a new family.

Thank you so much. It feels nice knowing I’m not completely crazy in some of my thoughts and feelings..
Yes it’s worth the challenges that may come along and Vacation location is a potential challenge but I’m not going to allow it.. as much as I’m not

 

[SonjaSma]

Thank you soooooo much.. it’s nice to hear that I’m not selfish in my thinking and jealous of his past.. I’m not jealous at all but I am wanting different experiences for sure so that it is unique memories not an overlapping experience with an similar but different memory.
Yes i he and all our kids are worth any challenges that may come along and Vacation location is a potential challenge but I’m not going to allow it to consume me.. I’m going to go in with logical thinking instead of emotional ones.. Disney is suppose to be magical and I hope the magic overpowers every worry I might have and create our unique magical experience and memories..
Your words helped me more then you know..
thank you

 

[DL1WDW2]

Make new memories at Universal Studios?

 

[SonjaSma]

Make new memories at Universal Studios?

I would be willing to bet the x-wife’s new “SO“ has not given a single thought or worry to replacing their fathers memories...
and no way would I allow the former wife to get in my brain. They made an adult decision to divorce and move on but they will always have a connection with the love for their children. If going to Disney is this difficult a worry for you, wait til you have to attend one of the children’s future weddings with entire family !
Good luck

No you are probably right considering they all travelled together there when the the new significant other was his best friend.. lol

 

[DisneyMommy77]

I don’t have a lot of advice, but completely understand how hard this would be.
I, too, have lived in a similar situation.

Big virtual hug, and know your feelings are very, very valid!

 

[SonjaSma]

I don’t have a lot of advice, but completely understand how hard this would be.
I, too, have lived in a similar situation.

Big virtual hug, and know your feelings are very, very valid!

 

[MudQueen22]

Disney changes constantly. My very first trip EVER was December 2014. (It was also the very first trip EVER for my oldest child, who I had during a previous marriage.) Dh had been a few times before we met.

Each of my three trips between 2014-2019 were different. The first and last were VERY different. Children grow and change. Their preferences change. Disney changes things in their parks, resorts, and in their operating procedures.

Also, I would like to add my own two cents, although some may think it's worth half that, about divorce and remarriage.

My own parents divorced and remarried. Unfortunately, I did too.

If a child feels emotionally safe with you, they will let you love them and they will open their heart to you. They will make memories with you, and you will be one of their people too.
My daughter's step-mother is a wonderful person. I believe she genuinely loves my daughter. I make sure my daughter hears me say it. I say it to other people in ear-shot of my daughter, and I say it directly to my daughter.
My ex-husband? I sometimes have to resist the urge to throw hot grease on him. I don't tell my daughter that, however. If one is willing to look, there is something positive to say about just about anyone. My ex is a gifted musician, so I carry on to her about how talented he is, and how I think she has that musical ability too.

I've also told her that divorce is a tragedy, and it's one that she has had to endure at no fault of her own. I told her that God takes our tragedies and makes us stronger, and He blesses us. I told her that she has two step-parents that love her very much, and that through all this, God made her heart big enough to love everyone. And she does.

 

[SonjaSma]

Disney changes constantly. My very first trip EVER was December 2014. (It was also the very first trip EVER for my oldest child, who I had during a previous marriage.) Dh had been a few times before we met.

Each of my three trips between 2014-2019 were different. The first and last were VERY different. Children grow and change. Their preferences change. Disney changes things in their parks, resorts, and in their operating procedures.

Also, I would like to add my own two cents, although some may think it's worth half that, about divorce and remarriage.

My own parents divorced and remarried. Unfortunately, I did too.

If a child feels emotionally safe with you, they will let you love them and they will open their heart to you. They will make memories with you, and you will be one of their people too.
My daughter's step-mother is a wonderful person. I believe she genuinely loves my daughter. I make sure my daughter hears me say it. I say it to other people in ear-shot of my daughter, and I say it directly to my daughter.
My ex-husband? I sometimes have to resist the urge to throw hot grease on him. I don't tell my daughter that, however. If one is willing to look, there is something positive to say about just about anyone. My ex is a gifted musician, so I carry on to her about how talented he is, and how I think she has that musical ability too.

I've also told her that divorce is a tragedy, and it's one that she has had to endure at no fault of her own. I told her that God takes our tragedies and makes us stronger, and He blesses us. I told her that she has two step-parents that love her very much, and that through all this, God made her heart big enough to love everyone. And she does.

I agree with everything you say

 

[AgentMama]

What a tough place to be in. I completely understand why you would feel the way you do, and really this has nothing to do with Disney. It doesn't matter how great it could be or that you haven't been there before or that there are additional things your SO can do there with you and his kids that he hasn't done before, the destination associated with these types of memories could be anywhere else and you would be validated to have the feelings you have. Everyone is allowed to feel insecure and off balance about aspects of their life and I completely understand why you're feeling the way you are. I cannot imagine how hard it is to be a stepparent. Your SO might not be the emotional resource you need to help you through this specific issue right now (sounds like he has some of his own baggage to unpack around his past relationship), but you should one hundred percent talk this through with the people who are close and supportive to you.

Hopefully you'll find a place outside of Disney that you can create special memories with your SO and his children that are specific to you. That doesn't take away from their memories at Disney and any new experiences you can have with them, but I completely understand where you're coming from and think that it will be good for you to have things that are only specific to you and your relationships.

Hugs to you and hope you have a good time.