Being the bully or being bullied?

[mom2kazkids]

OK can I have your opinion on this. Backgroud first, sorry if this gets long.

DD is in third grade and have a best friend that she has known since preschool gymnastics classes. They are both competative gymnasts, so they spend many hours a week together outside of school. They were in 1st and 2nd grade together, in a class that was multi level (1st/2nd split). In this class there were only 5 girls of her age level. 2 that lived near each other, one that lives in our subdivision (I will call girl C) that DD would play with occational, then DD and her BFF. Over 1st and 2nd grade we would have issues with three girls (DD, BFF and girl C). If DD and BFF were together she would sulk, especially if she knew that they were together outside of school. If DD would play with her, she would make sure to rub it in to BFF face, or she then would get with BFF and make sure to rub it into to DD face. At one point in time 1/2 grade teacher told her (girl C) to just leave DD and BFF alone. I know that at one point in time all three ended up in the office due to conflict. At the end of last year I made it known that I did not want DD in class with either of the two girls to prevent conflict.

So this year DD is in straight 3rd grade, other two in 3/4 split. At the beginning of the year, DD decided she really did not want to be involved with the 3rd girl that is in our subdivision, but said girl would call our house and leave 10-15 messages in a 20-30 minute period. "Hi this ________, call me when you get home." When DH went back to working nights she called one night and DD told her that she cannot play because her dad was sleeping. The girl then proceeded to call 2 more times, 1st of the two DD again told her she could not play or talk, 2nd time DH got on the phone and told her to knock it off because he was sleeping and she was told that twice already.

Now here where my question comes up, lately girl C will tell her teacher that my DD and the BFF are picking on her, when they do not want to play with her, or they are playing with other girls. Monday(way home from school) on the bus girl C gets on crying before my DD or BFF, and once they are on the bus carries on to the point of people telling the bus driver that she is crying. He gets the teacher that is on duty to talk to her and she tells the teacher that DD is picking on her, so then teacher tells my DD that if this keeps up she will be kicked off the bus. My DH asked bus driver about this, and he says that he has never had an issue with DD or BFF to this girl. Monday morning on the way to school DD sits with neighbor across the street, girl C sits alone, when they get to BFF stop she sits with DD and the neighbor from across the street. The mom of BFF said that right away she knew there was going to be trouble as Girl C slumps over and buries her face in the hands like she is crying) (The mom saw this as girl C was on her side of the bus by the window) DD and BFF talk about the weekend. As soon as they get to school girl C gives them the third degree about what they were talking about. They told her the weekend, she tells them they are lying and goes tells her teacher that they are picking on her. I have also found out that DD and BFF were in the principals office last week due to them picking on girl C, thing is there is no adult that can prove this has happened. After Monday's bus incident DD was taken to the guidence counsler to talk about it. Again no proof for an adult of what happened. I did call Girl C's mom to ask her daughter to stay away from my DD, she just tells me that she cannot control what happens at school.

Principal calls today to say that there is a meeting set up with parents, school liason officer, and pyschologist on Wed and it would happen if we are there or not. BFF's dad goes to talk to principal today, and she tells him that it is because of kids like my daugher and her BFF that kids either bring guns to school or commit suicide. When DH called principal back about the meeting she tells her that people have seen DD hit girl C on the bus, so he again asked bus driver tonight about it, and bus driver says no that has not happened, if anything DD and BFF got on bus first today after school and sat together , then girl C gets in the seat behind them and proceeds to sit far enough forward to listen into DD and BFF.

A couple of other points, our house is for sale, and first thing friends across the street say to us, "great, now we have to deal with girl C".
Also I am so upset with the way the principal is handling all this that I have quit the PTO, I was the treasurer. When the current prez picked the files up from me she tells me that she asked her twins (who are in class with DD) about the girls and her daughers told her that if DD or BFF do not sit on the bus with girl C, or play with her at recess she cries, and/or tells on them. She then proceeded to tell me that she is glad that she does not live in the subdivision anymore so that she does not have to deal with girl C.
Girl C will come up to BFF in class and tell BFF that her and DD are getting in trouble for bullying her.

I am sorry, but I have a hard time having my DD blamed for being a bully when this other girl cannot stop harrassing my DD. The school has yet to show proof that my DD or BFF have done anything. Everything that they say, we have been able to disprove (bus driver) and it is so obvious to other kids that girl C cannot handle DD and BFF not wanting to play with her.

I have given my DD strict instructions not to talk to girl C. If she bothers her at school at recess she is to tell the recess monitor to please ask girl C to leave her alone, that she is not allowed to talk to her. If girl C askes her what she was talking about with BFF I told her then she can tell her it is none of your business.

I think that at third grade if my daugher does not want to play with someone she should not have to put up with that person and her made up lies to get her in trouble. I see that as Girl C being the bully.

 

[agnes!]

The thing that bothers me is when admins are calling counseling meetings and don't care if parents are present. Have they had any sessions already?

The bus should probably have a camera, if the tapes haven't been recorded-over someone could take a look at it.

In my opinion "C" is a menace, and very *very* cunning, sounds like she has many adults completely-snowed. I don't quite understand why the principal and the teacher always believe "C"...I guess she is good at manipulating people. And I also bet she just loooooves all this attention.

I have no advice, this is a hard one, you have my complete sympathy. We ran into some similar situations. I remember one where this girl was bascially a professional victim and would get DD in trouble for 'looking at her'...oh, yeah, that was a fun year .

agnes!

 

[buckler]

Can your DD sit in the seat closest to the driver so you always have an adult witness on the bus?

 

[robinb]

OK can I have your opinion on this. Backgroud first, sorry if this gets long.

DD is in third grade and have a best friend that she has known since preschool gymnastics classes. They are both competative gymnasts, so they spend many hours a week together outside of school. They were in 1st and 2nd grade together, in a class that was multi level (1st/2nd split). In this class there were only 5 girls of her age level. 2 that lived near each other, one that lives in our subdivision (I will call girl C) that DD would play with occational, then DD and her BFF. Over 1st and 2nd grade we would have issues with three girls (DD, BFF and girl C). If DD and BFF were together she would sulk, especially if she knew that they were together outside of school. If DD would play with her, she would make sure to rub it in to BFF face, or she then would get with BFF and make sure to rub it into to DD face. At one point in time 1/2 grade teacher told her (girl C) to just leave DD and BFF alone. I know that at one point in time all three ended up in the office due to conflict. At the end of last year I made it known that I did not want DD in class with either of the two girls to prevent conflict.

So this year DD is in straight 3rd grade, other two in 3/4 split. At the beginning of the year, DD decided she really did not want to be involved with the 3rd girl that is in our subdivision, but said girl would call our house and leave 10-15 messages in a 20-30 minute period. "Hi this ________, call me when you get home." When DH went back to working nights she called one night and DD told her that she cannot play because her dad was sleeping. The girl then proceeded to call 2 more times, 1st of the two DD again told her she could not play or talk, 2nd time DH got on the phone and told her to knock it off because he was sleeping and she was told that twice already.

Now here where my question comes up, lately girl C will tell her teacher that my DD and the BFF are picking on her, when they do not want to play with her, or they are playing with other girls. Monday(way home from school) on the bus girl C gets on crying before my DD or BFF, and once they are on the bus carries on to the point of people telling the bus driver that she is crying. He gets the teacher that is on duty to talk to her and she tells the teacher that DD is picking on her, so then teacher tells my DD that if this keeps up she will be kicked off the bus. My DH asked bus driver about this, and he says that he has never had an issue with DD or BFF to this girl. Monday morning on the way to school DD sits with neighbor across the street, girl C sits alone, when they get to BFF stop she sits with DD and the neighbor from across the street. The mom of BFF said that right away she knew there was going to be trouble as Girl C slumps over and buries her face in the hands like she is crying) (The mom saw this as girl C was on her side of the bus by the window) DD and BFF talk about the weekend. As soon as they get to school girl C gives them the third degree about what they were talking about. They told her the weekend, she tells them they are lying and goes tells her teacher that they are picking on her. I have also found out that DD and BFF were in the principals office last week due to them picking on girl C, thing is there is no adult that can prove this has happened. After Monday's bus incident DD was taken to the guidence counsler to talk about it. Again no proof for an adult of what happened. I did call Girl C's mom to ask her daughter to stay away from my DD, she just tells me that she cannot control what happens at school.

Principal calls today to say that there is a meeting set up with parents, school liason officer, and pyschologist on Wed and it would happen if we are there or not. BFF's dad goes to talk to principal today, and she tells him that it is because of kids like my daugher and her BFF that kids either bring guns to school or commit suicide. When DH called principal back about the meeting she tells her that people have seen DD hit girl C on the bus, so he again asked bus driver tonight about it, and bus driver says no that has not happened, if anything DD and BFF got on bus first today after school and sat together , then girl C gets in the seat behind them and proceeds to sit far enough forward to listen into DD and BFF.

A couple of other points, our house is for sale, and first thing friends across the street say to us, "great, now we have to deal with girl C".
Also I am so upset with the way the principal is handling all this that I have quit the PTO, I was the treasurer. When the current prez picked the files up from me she tells me that she asked her twins (who are in class with DD) about the girls and her daughers told her that if DD or BFF do not sit on the bus with girl C, or play with her at recess she cries, and/or tells on them. She then proceeded to tell me that she is glad that she does not live in the subdivision anymore so that she does not have to deal with girl C.
Girl C will come up to BFF in class and tell BFF that her and DD are getting in trouble for bullying her.

I am sorry, but I have a hard time having my DD blamed for being a bully when this other girl cannot stop harrassing my DD. The school has yet to show proof that my DD or BFF have done anything. Everything that they say, we have been able to disprove (bus driver) and it is so obvious to other kids that girl C cannot handle DD and BFF not wanting to play with her.

I have given my DD strict instructions not to talk to girl C. If she bothers her at school at recess she is to tell the recess monitor to please ask girl C to leave her alone, that she is not allowed to talk to her. If girl C askes her what she was talking about with BFF I told her then she can tell her it is none of your business.

I think that at third grade if my daugher does not want to play with someone she should not have to put up with that person and her made up lies to get her in trouble. I see that as Girl C being the bully.

Long post and late at night ...

I see a lot of hostility against C in your post. You seem to really dislike her and it has rubbed off on your DD, BFF and even the neighbors. You realize that you are talking behind the back of an 8-year old, right?

You have been sucked into the girl drama vortex. Maybe C is the bully ... and maybe she is not. Three is always a crowd when it comes to little girls. I have to say that it is rarely the odd girl out who is the real bully, KWIM? C just wants to be with the two girls. In this situation your DD and BFF have been actively shunning C in public and that is just as much an action of bullying as telling lies to get someone in trouble. My guess is that C's feeling are genuinely hurt and that DD and BFF's plan to ignore her is the root of the problem. If they are shunning her then they really *are* picking on her and C is not lying.

So, what I guess I am trying to say is that now that you are in the middle of this girl drama you really need to look at it from all sides. C may indeed be the bad guy here and the bully. Or ... it may be your own DD who is doing the bullying.

 

[mom2kazkids]

Long post and late at night ...

I see a lot of hostility against C in your post. You seem to really dislike her and it has rubbed off on your DD, BFF and even the neighbors. You realize that you are talking behind the back of an 8-year old, right?


.

The comment by the neighbors was completely out of the context of the conversation about us selling our house. They were the ones to bring it up because she had been spending a lot of time at their house. With DD being a competetive gymnast she is not home 3 of 5 nights out of the week, and we have been gone on weekends to meets frequently.

Also this girl is very brass when DD was with her, I want to eat over, I want to sleep over, even my mom has commented on how pushy she is.

At third grade I feel that my daughter has ever right to decide who she wants to play with. She has no common interests with girl C, and should not have to explain to her what her conversations with the BFF on the bus are about, or have to be tattled on because DD did not sit with her.

 

[mom2kazkids]

Can your DD sit in the seat closest to the driver so you always have an adult witness on the bus?

Lately DD has, but if I am off work, I have been driving DD and DS to school. Three of the 5 nights after school she is being picked up at school to get to the gym.

 

[pyrxtc]

How is ignoring someone "picking" on them ? She shouldn't have to talk or spend time with someone she doesn't like. I think you should go to the school counselor with all of this and maybe they could get girl C some help.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Can your DD sit in the seat closest to the driver so you always have an adult witness on the bus?

ITA.

The comment by the neighbors was completely out of the context of the conversation about us selling our house. They were the ones to bring it up because she had been spending a lot of time at their house. With DD being a competetive gymnast she is not home 3 of 5 nights out of the week, and we have been gone on weekends to meets frequently.

Also this girl is very brass when DD was with her, I want to eat over, I want to sleep over, even my mom has commented on how pushy she is.

At third grade I feel that my daughter has ever right to decide who she wants to play with. She has no common interests with girl C, and should not have to explain to her what her conversations with the BFF on the bus are about, or have to be tattled on because DD did not sit with her.

I did not get the impression that you are too involved or too close to the situation. Girl C is very manipulative and is effective in getting your DD and her friend in trouble using the system against them. Not a likable quality in a child. It's disturbing. I think you and your DD are within your rights to have formed an opinion about the situation and girl C. She sounds like she has a lot of issues, very complex.

I would document the disparity in claims and the witnesses. Do the teachers and principal not talk to the children to get to the bottom of C's complaints? It sounds strange that C's claims would get this far.

Will your DD still go to the same school after your move? I hope she gets a clean break.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Long post and late at night ...

I see a lot of hostility against C in your post. You seem to really dislike her and it has rubbed off on your DD, BFF and even the neighbors. You realize that you are talking behind the back of an 8-year old, right?

You have been sucked into the girl drama vortex. Maybe C is the bully ... and maybe she is not. Three is always a crowd when it comes to little girls. I have to say that it is rarely the odd girl out who is the real bully, KWIM? C just wants to be with the two girls. In this situation your DD and BFF have been actively shunning C in public and that is just as much an action of bullying as telling lies to get someone in trouble. My guess is that C's feeling are genuinely hurt and that DD and BFF's plan to ignore her is the root of the problem. If they are shunning her then they really *are* picking on her and C is not lying.

So, what I guess I am trying to say is that now that you are in the middle of this girl drama you really need to look at it from all sides. C may indeed be the bad guy here and the bully. Or ... it may be your own DD who is doing the bullying.

I don't see shunning in this case as being bully type behavior. The girl has not been a friend so to speak to these girls. They have had enough. I don't think they should have to include a girl that has been a problem to them. There are other friendships to be had. It didn't work out. Sometimes that happens.

 

[Rora]

As a 3rd grade teacher and a certified Guidence Counselor, it sounds like Girl C is the problem here. She doesn't seem to understand that your DD and her BFF simply don't want to be friends with her, and that does NOT make your DD and the BFF bullies, by any means. That's simply being children (heck, and people) and choosing your friends. As long as DD and BFF aren't harassing her, being mean, taunting her, etc (bullying), which, from your description, doesn't seem like is happening, then there is absolutely no reason for the principal to ever say that your children are the reason why children bring guns to school!!!! I was horrified when I read that!!!!!

OP: is there any adult you can talk to that works at the school? Any teachers, playground monitors, etc that can vouch for DD and BFF? Are you aware of Girl C having this problem with other people?

To be honest, it sounds like Girl C needs some help. Child anxiety, instability, and lonliness can be very common at this age. It's a good idea to meet with the principal, parents, guidance counselors, etc at this meeting that's been set up. OP- don't let the school push you around or punish the girls for "bullying" if there is postively no evidence.

In the meantime, continue having your DD and the BFF stay far far away from Girl C. If Girl C approaches them claiming something/crying/whatever, have them immediately report it to an adult.

As far as those who believe the OP has hostility towards Girl C, wouldn't you?? This situation is frustrating and is not only a school issue but a HOME issue as well. I don't know about the rest of you but I certainly would be annoyed if someone called my home very frequently, leaving messages, waking my DH, etc especially if she's been asked not to call.

Good luck OP- please keep us updated!

 

[luvmy3]

OP, I could have written most of your post. My dd and her BFF have had the same issues with another girl (lives across the street from BFF) in our subdivision. It never went as far as having to meet with the principal because the bus driver was able to confirm what my dd and her BFF would say about the bus, but it was eerily similiar to your situation. My advice to my dd was to ignore her, not to even acknowledge her no matter how hard it was, of course teh girl accused dd and BFF of being mean and picking on her because they were ignoring her but eventually she just gave up. I was lucky because the teachers were aware of how this girl really was, she knew exacty what she was doing and I think she thought trying to get them in trouble would somehow force them to be her friend. When it was clear that what she was doing wasn't going to effect dd and BFF, she realized her efforts were futile. Its been 2 years and my dd and her BFF are not friends with this girl, but there is no more trouble.
I honestly don't know what I would do if they weren't or if the teachers/principal were quick to accuse my child of being the kind of kid that causes others to go crazy and bring guns to school, without even trying to get to the bottom of things. I would suggest that the girls be included in the meeting as well, maybe the girl will not be able to lie about what happened if she is confronted with everyone. Good Luck


ETA There was a comment in the pp about C having issues, and ITA. The girl my dd had to deal with had definite issues, the difference is they were known.

 

[robinb]

As a 3rd grade teacher and a certified Guidence Counselor, it sounds like Girl C is the problem here. She doesn't seem to understand that your DD and her BFF simply don't want to be friends with her, and that does NOT make your DD and the BFF bullies, by any means. That's simply being children (heck, and people) and choosing your friends. As long as DD and BFF aren't harassing her, being mean, taunting her, etc (bullying), which, from your description, doesn't seem like is happening, then there is absolutely no reason for the principal to ever say that your children are the reason why children bring guns to school!!!! I was horrified when I read that!!!!!

OP: is there any adult you can talk to that works at the school? Any teachers, playground monitors, etc that can vouch for DD and BFF? Are you aware of Girl C having this problem with other people?

To be honest, it sounds like Girl C needs some help. Child anxiety, instability, and lonliness can be very common at this age. It's a good idea to meet with the principal, parents, guidance counselors, etc at this meeting that's been set up. OP- don't let the school push you around or punish the girls for "bullying" if there is postively no evidence.

As a 3rd grade teacher, then you KNOW there are three sides to the story. The DD's side to her parents (all innocence), C's side to her parents (they are picking on me) and the TRUTH. As much as we love and want to believe our kids, most 3rd graders will spin the truth to suit their own needs. We have no idea how the DD and her BFF act around this girl. The taunting and harassing doesn't need to be "in your face" to make it any less hurtful to C or to be bullying.

Obviously, my DD was in a similar situation. Once in 1st grade and again in 4th grade with the same girl who had been a former friend. The former friend hand-picked girls to be in her "posse" and shunned the rest. She even told her posse that they could not be with my DD and a few other girls. The FF and the posse did not think they were bullying. They just thought that they were telling the other girls that they did not want to play with them. I have to tell you that the FF's mom was shocked when it all came to a head in 4th grade and the FF's 4th grade posse was pulled aside. The mom never thought her DD would so such a thing but she was responsible for a lot of tears in many households. Now, unlike C, my DD let it (mostly) roll off her back.

I am NOT saying that the OP's DD is doing something so drastic, but I don't think that she is all that innocent either. The OP is demonizing C while painting her own DD as a suffering saint. I think that neither child is at the extreme and both are probably responsible for the current situation. I also want to point out that I think it is unlikely that C has her teacher, the counselor *and* the school administration completely "snowed". There has to be something to what C is saying. I recommend that the OP be open to the possibility that C is not lying.

 

[sunnyday123]

I don't think your DD is "shunning" anyone by simply not playing with them. This little girl sounds very pushy and domineering, and she's working the adults in a big way.

Dd has a girl like this in her class, if you are talking to someone else, you're obvisouly talking about her, etc. She'll go out of her way to make things rough for the other kids if they don't sit with her, play with her, you get the idea. She'd tell on everyone about everything, and since she was the only one coming forward, she was beleived. DD started going to the guidance counselor about it, and it's been addressed with this kid and has pretty much stopped.

As a side note, most kids are pretty honest in things like this, so I don't think any other child except for "C" is spinning things. It sounds like everyone but the school is on to this kid, and sounds like she has some issues. Insecurity is big at this age.

 

[luvmy3]

As a 3rd grade teacher, then you KNOW there are three sides to the story. The DD's side to her parents (all innocence), C's side to her parents (they are picking on me) and the TRUTH. As much as we love and want to believe our kids, most 3rd graders will spin the truth to suit their own needs. We have no idea how the DD and her BFF act around this girl. The taunting and harassing doesn't need to be "in your face" to make it any less hurtful to C or to be bullying.

Obviously, my DD was in a similar situation. Once in 1st grade and again in 4th grade with the same girl who had been a former friend. The former friend hand-picked girls to be in her "posse" and shunned the rest. She even told her posse that they could not be with my DD and a few other girls. The FF and the posse did not think they were bullying. They just thought that they were telling the other girls that they did not want to play with them. I have to tell you that the FF's mom was shocked when it all came to a head in 4th grade and the FF's 4th grade posse was pulled aside. The mom never thought her DD would so such a thing but she was responsible for a lot of tears in many households. Now, unlike C, my DD let it (mostly) roll off her back.

I am NOT saying that the OP's DD is doing something so drastic, but I don't think that she is all that innocent either. The OP is demonizing C while painting her own DD as a suffering saint. I think that neither child is at the extreme and both are probably responsible for the current situation. I also want to point out that I think it is unlikely that C has her teacher, the counselor *and* the school administration completely "snowed". There has to be something to what C is saying. I recommend that the OP be open to the possibility that C is not lying.

There definitely may be truth in what you are saying but judging by what my dd went through I think its a case where the OP's dd and the BFF probably have been pushed to the point where they feel they have to be mean to C in order to get her to leave them alone, and C is using that as her excuse to say that they are picking on her and being mean to her. I know my dd wasn't always innocent, however it was becsause she was pushed to a point she felt she had no other choice, and I'm sure her BFF felt that same, so it seemed they were ganging up on the girl. Thats why my advice was to comletely ignore the girl, not to look at her or, respond to her, because I didn't want them to turn into the bully, KWIM.

 

[HsvTeacher]

I'm a 2nd grade teacher, and I really, really want to post something right now! Out of fear of a classroom parent finding it, I won't.

However, I will say this: OP, you are right on with your assessment of the situation! It does happen.

 

[alexensmom]

We also went through a similar experience with my DD. She made friends with girl "M" in first grade. M had lots of family issues (father and brother in prison, mother alcoholic). She was nice to DD at school. DD was into lots of activities after school and M went to after school programs and lived in a different neighborhood so they really didnt see each other after school except for an occasional birthday party. Then in 2nd grade M started bullying DD. DD said that her teacher and counselor told her to feel sorry for M and she should be a good friend. M was rarely punished for doing these things, even pushed my DD in line one day. I went to speak with the principal (who I knew pretty well). He proceeded to tell me about poor M and how she has a tough time in life and that DD was an only child so I was making this out to be more than it was bc she was my only focus. Are you kidding me!! My daughter should not have to suffer bc M had a rough childhood.

They were put in different classes in 3rd grade and I noticed a big difference in DD's attitude towards school. Then in 4th, even after requesting they not be together, they were put in the same class. I told DD not to even be near M, but M would be obnoxious to her whenever they had to sit together in lunch, etc. DD started missing homework and books. DD knew M was taking it but couldnt prove it. The principal implied that it was DDs problem. We went so far as to turn all her homework in together at the beginning of the day. I was also in PTA and everyone who knew DD knew that M was the one causing problems. Near the end of the year, a teacher found out through another student that M had been the one taking DDs things. M was not punished since she returned everything. My DD didnt even recieve an apology by the teacher or principal. How are kids supposed to learn what is right and wrong if they are never punished?

M continued to take things out of DD desk all through 5th grade. She had stolen other things throughout the year, and again we heard we should feel bad for M. We decided to move so DD could be in a different middle school on the other side of town. Not an option that everyone in this situation could do though. We arent naive enough to think that DD wont be put in situations where she has to stand up for herself again, but she had delt with M long enough without resolve.

Mine may be alittle different experience, but with the same status quo in other school systems. People just cant imagine that a child that age can be manipulative or be that clever. These kids learn at an early age how to get what they want, especially when there arent consequences. Feeling sorry for kids does not teach them to "rise above their raisn'." Unfortunatly, it is left to you and DD to prove her innocence. We started putting all the incidents in writing in a planner so we had dates and occurances. This will get you alittle farther than "I remember a couple weeks ago girl c...."

 

[BCDisneyFanatic]

Most posters on this thread seem to be seeing this situation through glasses colored by their own experiences. I suspect that most kids, over the course of their childhood, are both bullied and bully. Children are still developing their social skills, and are often unequipped to fully empathize with each other. I truly believe that there are very few 'demon' children, just as I believe their are very few 'saints'.

OP, what is clear is there is an unhealthy relationship between your child and C. I think you should try to go into the meeting with an open mind, and realize that 'C' 's version of the truth might actually be real to her (even if it doesn't jibe with what actually happened). It really hurts to be excluded, and perhaps your DD and her BFF haven't always been angels in their reaction to 'C'.

I too would be upset, though, if the guidance counsellor didn't make some effort to ensure that I could make the meeting. If I were you, I would make EVERY effort to be there (as well as my DH). You need to be an advocate for your child, but you also need to remember that you weren't a witness to the events, either. We all want to believe the best about our children, and we need to support them, no matter what.

Most importantly, I would try to ensure that the focus of the meeting is on what can be done to resolve the issues in the future (rather than placing blame on what's already happened).

 

[agnes!]

A couple of thoughts...

*As the poster above says document, document, document. Start keeping a diary of any incidents. Write down time, place, day, locations, also write down any other adults you talked to with their additional information like bus-drivers or cafeteria-workers, anyone who might be more aware of what is happening and won't just rely on what they are told by any little reporters.
*Get together with BFF's parents (no kids in this meeting) and decide what your united plan of action is going to be.
*Never go in for meetings with the school administration by yourself, always have another adult with you, preferably your DH (preferably in a suit and I am not kidding about this) but a good friend familiar with the local schools will do - it's kind of like what Erin Brockovich's firm did in that one scene from the movie, pulling in staffers to fill out their side of the table. You better believe that that principal won't be there alone.
*Know, understand, have committed to memory your district's student handbook. Especially know/understand/have memorized possible consequences, do not allow the local school to jump beyond what is supposed to occur for any alleged incidents.

It is indeed possible that the OP's DD & her BFF are somehow bullying C, I think all the documentation will ferret out more of what is really going on (whatever that might be). I do have to say that I have been in the OPs shoes - not every kid who goes running to adults or teachers with tales of woe is telling the truth.

agnes!

 

[disneyjunkie]

One more teacher checking in. I agree with Robin, there may be more to the story

 

[agnes!]

Most posters on this thread seem to be seeing this situation through glasses colored by their own experiences. I suspect that most kids, over the course of their childhood, are both bullied and bully. Children are still developing their social skills, and are often unequipped to fully empathize with each other. I truly believe that there are very few 'demon' children, just as I believe their are very few 'saints'.

OP, what is clear is there is an unhealthy relationship between your child and C. I think you should try to go into the meeting with an open mind, and realize that 'C' 's version of the truth might actually be real to her (even if it doesn't jibe with what actually happened). It really hurts to be excluded, and perhaps your DD and her BFF haven't always been angels in their reaction to 'C'.

I too would be upset, though, if the guidance counsellor didn't make some effort to ensure that I could make the meeting. If I were you, I would make EVERY effort to be there (as well as my DH). You need to be an advocate for your child, but you also need to remember that you weren't a witness to the events, either. We all want to believe the best about our children, and we need to support them, no matter what.

Most importantly, I would try to ensure that the focus of the meeting is on what can be done to resolve the issues in the future (rather than placing blame on what's already happened).

This is the heart of the problem as I see it...no adults have witnessed these alleged incidents, as a matter of fact the lone adult in the vicinity of the alleged incidents on the bus, the bus-driver, tells a very different version of that situation than C does.
The adults in charge at school are accepting at face-value everything that C is telling them, I think they should have probably just stayed out of it and let the girls handle things on their own. No one has pushed, shoved or laid their hands on this kid. No one has reported any verbal abuse. No one has reported any threatening behavior. No one has reported either the OP's DD or the BFF stealing C's things... all of these types of actions would indicate that some adult-intervention was warranted.

Oh, and maybe the OP should keep her DD off the bus for the foreseeable future, close off at least that one avenue for friction. Make sure she knows that she is not being punished. (I would also let BFF's parents know in the get-together with them that you are planning on doing this.)


agnes!