Behavioral issues in children...help please

[Kim&Chris]

I typically don't post stuff like this, but since so many of you are moms, I figured some of you might have some advice.

My sister's son is 19 months old. He can be sweet and happy, but most of the time (probably 75%) he is aggressive. He gets angry fast, and if my sister tries to calm him by holding him, he wriggles his body and head until he slams his head into hers (or if she puts him in a chair, he slams the back of his head into the chair..or crib..or carseat..whatever). He repeatedly hits her for no reason, usually in the face. She'll grab his hand and say "NO" and lightly smack his hand, but now he just laughs. He'll walk up to the cat and hit or kick him. He'll walk up to my sister's curio and repeatedly slam his hands hard against the glass, so they've moved the curio to a room he has no access to. When my sister tries to change his diaper, he'll kick her in the face or chest. He weighs 35 lb, so it's tough for her to hold him down while she's trying to change him.

Just this past week at Gymboree, he walked up to another mom who was kneeling & tending to her own child....and hit her square in the face. He's hit other children at Gymboree as well. I would not be surprised if they asked my sister not to return. During "time out's", he has meltdowns so bad that my sister fears for his safety. It's taking its toll on her, especially since her husband is no help whatsoever.

It's not an attention issue. He gets more attention than any other child I've ever seen. Caring, loving attention. My sister is a great mom, who is trying her very best with this child. Definitely has the patience of a saint, but I can see she is losing it. She is starting to cry a lot (not in front of the child).

I have no kids, so I am limited as to suggestions. My guess is that he has ADD or similar, but I have no clue.

Are any of you out there able to offer some advice? I don't know anything about autism, so maybe some of you can tell me if the above-mentioned behavior could be a symptom.

I've gotten her the name of a child psychologist affiliated with Childrens Hospital, so maybe this will be a good first step.

Thanks for any advice you can offer.

 

[freckles and boo]

Seeing a professional is definitely the best way to nip this in the bud or deal with any neurological issues that may be involved. What you don't mention is if he is being spanked by dad. Kids at that age can't process spankings as punishment and only understand it as attention. Redirection is the best way to change the behavior when they are that small.

As for autism... My child has both autism and ADHD. She is not at all aggressive. She sometimes has to be reminded to pet the cat gently but she isn't oppositional or defiant and she never intends to hurt. There are some kids with autism who get aggressive but I believe that is all about frustration and not being able to communicate their needs, frustrations, and discomfort.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

especially since her husband is no help whatsoever.

Please elaborate.

 

[sha_lyn]

Too little information to really make any suggestions.
I believe we are way too quick to label children with "disorders"
So my first line of thought is he needs some direction and when he acts out, he needs redirection.
Children do tend to get very aggravated and act out when they don't have the verbal skills to express themselves. since boy do tend to develop verbal skills later that girls, what is perceived as a behavior or developmental problem is often related to the inability to express themselves verbally.

 

[Christine]

Aggression is not necessarily a trait of ADHD. Both of my kids have it and neither has been aggressive. "Extremely energetic" might be a better description!

Seriously, I agree this isn't normal behavior but I would have an idea of what it is. I have only known one child like this. A co-worker of mine had a little boy who was EXACTLY like this. He was very rough and violent. It was awful and the parent did NOTHING to figure it out but I don't know what the cause was.

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

Is your sister consistent with him? Does she mean it when she says no or does she cave in an effort to stop his behavior? I've seen a lot of wussie parents in my day. Kids go bezerk and mom says, "now dearheart, you know that mummy doesn't like when you behave that way," and that is the end of the discipline.

(I, of course, don't know if your sister falls into this category; I'm just throwing this out there)

 

[claudia]

it sounds like there might be some anger issues with the child. You stated that the father was of no help....are there issues in the marriage such as arguing and fighting? I think your suggestion of seeing a psychologist immediately would be the beginning step. Things like hitting mom in the face is not that unusual, but kicking her in the face during changing, kicking the cat, walking up to a stranger and slapping her in the face and having meltdowns are concerning.
As far as the ADD, my oldest son has ADD and there have never been any issues as far as agression....

 

[StrollPatrolMom]

Toddler boys are creatures unto themselves.

My 1st was a girl, I'm getting a whole new taste with my lil guy. He's 15 months...and very physically aggressive, hits, bites...tell him no and he'll walk around whacking everything in sight in anger. If it wasn't my kid, it might actually be funny to watch.

Boys are slower to develop verbal ability. My daugher spoke in short sentences by my son's age (15 months) and my son has a handful of words, and uses gestures and actions to tell me the rest

Even though he's a "baby" in her eyes, she has to be consistent. Nolan (my lil guy) thinks his antics are quite amusing as well. I'd make time out a spot away from everyone else...I'd set up an empty Pack N Play in his room (or another "lonely" spot) and stick him in there for one minute for every little outburst. Tantrums and aggression are not out of the norm for the age, and its all how you manage it.

We also engage in LOTS of physical play, and use redirection and try to get out in front of any physical issues. They needs lots of stimulating activity as to not get bored, then frustrated, then aggressive. I wouldn't expect Nolan to last very long in a store before things get out of hand...we made it about 20 minutes in Target today before he started whacking inanimate objects on the shelves cause he was PO'ed about something....

All sounds pretty "normal" to me!

 

[Camicar]

I have known several children like this. Here were the different reasons for it:

1. The father encouraged this behavior.
2. The father was physically abusive to the mother and the children and the kid was acting out/mimicking the behavior.
3. The child was misdiagnosed and mismedicated as ADHD when he had Asperger's -- the wrong medicine actually made him psychotically violent. When he was taken off the ADHD meds and given the correct meds, he totally changed and is now very calm and a pleasure to be around.
4. The child had an inherent anti-social pathology and has required years of intense therapy.

I would encourage this mom to talk to her doctor and possibly a pediatric therapist. She should NOT allow her doctor to pass this off as a phase. Before going in she should document in writing the incidents and what (if ANYTHING) provoked them. It is especially important to note what the parental response is to this behavior and the child's response to the parentel correction.

For example, if the child's response is to act physically aggressively toward and laugh at the parent or other adult whom they have hurt, then the child has the mistaken notion that he is king of the world. This notion can be a result of improper cues to the child or it could be a sign of a pathology. (Please note that giving improper cues to a child can contribute to the development of a pathology.) This pathology is typically one in which the child has no concern for anyone but himself and has no empathy. Even at this young age, the child should have SOME sense of empathy, esp for his mother.

At the barest minimum, all children need to learn self control and empathy to be part of human society. The fact that this child is not showing evidence of this necessary path in human development should be a serious concern.

HTH

 

[StrollPatrolMom]

Too little information to really make any suggestions.
I believe we are way too quick to label children with "disorders"
So my first line of thought is he needs some direction and when he acts out, he needs redirection.

I agree. I'm SHOCKED some people would jump out and say it sounds like ADD. ADD is a brain disorder...and one thats way overdiagnosed at that...and no reputable doctor is going to diagnose ADD in a 19 month old...thats a BABY.

to the OP: does he talk much? My guess is probably not. I'd be very leery about the idea of suggesting anything other than mentioning this to her pedi.

I would also buy her the "Happiest Toddler on the Block" book by Dr. Karp, lots of great positive behavior modification suggestions

 

[OceanAnnie]

19 months. I was wondering how consistent his mom is too. With that kind of behavior I wouldn't *blame* her for going along with him, knowing what's to come if she doesn't. But in the long run it would only ensure more of the same.

It is hard to say what's going on with the child. Is he around older kids or siblings that are aggressive towards him? Maybe he's mimicking behavior.

Not sure how I'd handle it until I got to the root of the issue. But I do know I would keep outings to a minimum until he could contain/control himself and I'd tell him why (in as few words as possible).

 

[RadioNate]

Sounds similar to my DS. However, my DS isn't typically aggressive to strangers or w/out provocation. He wouldn't hit another mother or the cat. He does however lack anger management skills and the ability to cope with normal frustration levels. Even now meltdowns are pretty normal here.

My DS's issues started around that age. Is he talking yet? My DS was a very late talker (after 3) and that was a big part of it.

How do the parents (dad maybe) deal with anger and frustration?

Holding him down or restraining him in any manner (even a hug) is going to make it worse. At least it did/does for us. Even with ultra consistent parenting some kids just don't 'get it' easily. In our situation we had some sensory defensiveness happening. But things really improved once his communication skills improved.

 

[Jpgirl]

Your sister may want to seek professional advice and probably sooner than later to give her peace of mind. My ds was exactly like that from day 1. He was dx'ed as ADD,PDD, possible Asperger's Autism and his current dx is Bipolar 1. We went from doctor to doctor, specialist to specialist trying to get a good diagnosis. I feel that if they were diagnosing mental illness then like they are now my ds (and us) would've been saved a whole world of suffering. I'm not suggesting that your nephew has Bipolar 1. I was told during his toddler years that he was just a rough and tumble boy, but in my heart of hearts I knew there was something wrong-and I couldn't get anyone to listen until at age 13 he put his hand through a window and threatened to sneak into my room and bash my brains out with a baseball bat.
I found a book The Bipolar Child (after he was hospitalized) and my ds hit every single marker. He wasn't diagnosed with Bipolar when he was little because the "experts" back then didn't believe that children could exhibit mental disorders.
If you sister has a gut feeling that something's not right please encourage her to seek help. I've found that in a lot of cases the father is in complete denial and that makes it rough. Thankfully my dh was on board with me-because his mom had untreated mental illness. Good Luck

 

[mickeyboat]

I would first be inclined to speak to my pediatrician.

But I quicker think your sister needs to take a different approach to disciplining. She is responding to his aggression, with aggression of her own - holding him tightly, lightly hitting him back. I think she needs to find another method - possibly a naughty chair - and then ignore his behavior while he is in the time out (unless he is in danger of hurting himself). I see this as negative attention-seeking behavior. And she is reinforcing it by giving him so much attention while he is acting out.

Another idea would be to set up a reward system, at least positive reinforcement for good behavior. I still use this with my 7 year old, who has insisted she does not like to read and isn't good at it. I praise her every chance I get, and it is making a difference - her teacher notices it, too. (BTW - I am not telling her she is the smartest child in the world, but I compliment her when she sounds out a tough word, or when she uses a silly voice for a character.)

I always recommend the book 1-2-3 Magic when dealing with discipline. It has made a huge difference in our family.

Good luck!

Denae

 

[sha_lyn]

hitting in the face....... look at it from a toddlers POV. They want eye contact with you now face= eyes

kicking while having diaper changed...... the mother has forcible held him when he acts out so he equates being held down with punishment.

kicking the cat, hitting the curio cabinet etc...... he is still a bit young to realize that the world is not "all about him". Sympathy, empathy etc aren't in his realm of feelings/abilities yet.Kicking the cat or hitting the glass doors are no different to him than pushing the buttons or spinning the wheels on a toy.
It's still all about cause and effect. Hitting the glass makes a fun sound, kicking the cat makes it move/makes sounds etc.

 

[everylastbreath]

I would not get too deep with it, I seriously doubt it's a serious mental problem, that will require medication/therapy, he is approaching the "terrible 2's" and they call them that for a reason, I think the suggestion of re-direction is the best, when he does these things - distract him. Wait until he's past the "terrible 2's" to worry, after reading some of the replies to this post, I would be more worried than you originally started.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I think Children's Hospital is a very good place to start. If it is similar to the facility here, the Doctor will refer to the services needed as a team approach.

Whether the problem is neurological, social, or just a normal little boy going through a phase -- when it gets to the point where Mom is overly frustrated and frequently in tears, and he is being banned from facilities, it is time to call in the reinforcements.

 

[Kim&Chris]

Please elaborate.

His dad is much older than my sister, and believes the mom should solely raise the child. I don't think he's even ever changed his diaper. He works endless hours and has little time for him. Everything is on my sister in terms of raising this child.

I don't know if that really could be associated with this behavior, because there are many children raised primarily by a mom who are fine.

 

[truedisneyfan]

Sorry can't comment on the behavior. When DS was around that age he did not want to hold still for a diaper change. He was to busy playing. When I changed him he would want to roll around and thought it was a game. I would sit on the floor and lay him to where he was horizontal to me. I would place my leg that was closest to his chest on his chest. That way he could not move his arms as much and wiggle around and I had both hands free to change the diaper. Some people may that it's strange, but it worked and got the job done. He eventually learned I was going to hold him down and he was going to cry or he could hold still and it did not take that long.

 

[wwallydoc]

as a physician (and parent)you can NOT make the diagnosis of the above until at LEAST age 4. usually age 5. the scenario sounds more like a behaviour problem to me. Very concerning that the husband isn't involved. The physical acting out that he is doing is a very basic behaviour children will exhibit when not consistently disciplined. For a child this age a stern no and immediate redirection is usually effective. ANY attention both good and bad is the same to a child---that's why spanking often times doesn't work. Time out is effective only if done correctly. Most likely mom and dad need to communicate and come up with a plan that BOTH will follow through with--this will be especially difficult now with the child current age but can be done. Definitely should go to see their pediatrician (mom and dad TOGETHER, if this child will stand a chance) Also, keep in mind children are easier to make adjustments then adults. As his verbal skills increase his behaviour will improve (again only if parents TOGETHER are consistent in how they handle his aggression)